February 17, 2011

  • Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 2/16

    For those of you who are new to these parts, I used to do a regular post featuring me answering questions alongside my cock, my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.  Cocky and I are back to tackle your questions after an exhausting Valentine's Day.

    Me: So Cocky how was your time off for Valentine's?
    Cocky: You should be asking how was my time getting off.
    Me: Umm...no.
    Cocky:  Oh it was so exciting.  I finally tricked out my car.

    Cocky: Do we tell the readers of the Valentine's Day debacle.
    Me: Oh please don't.
    Cocky: Well I won't have to tell them, I have photographic evidence and it is very graphic.

    Me: Please...stop.
    Cocky: Funny how saying "stop" didn't stop you from stroking me and crying how alone you were.
    Me: It is a depressing day.
    Cocky: Christ, the only thing that got depressed at your house was the computer chair being depressed from your ass cheeks.
    Me: Oh...OK...are you ready?
    Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
    Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

    Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:


    Fighting Cock Bourbon. 

    Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I have become weary of the state of Xanga.  I mean all that people seem to talk about is racism, abortion, or evolution.  The worst part of all the arguing is that they are all saying the same things and they agree with each other in theory but for the sake of argument they disagree.  What is your take in all of this?
                                             Beleaguered in Beaver Dam
    Me: Well I have been a silent observer.  It seems that no matter which side you take, you get attacked even though you are against racism.  I have had experiences with racism.
    Cocky: Experiences, man...because I am a colorful character, I've had people say I look like parrots.  That is blatant avianism.
    Me: I am so sorry you had to experience that.
    Cocky:  It makes me feel so abused.
    Me: How about that time when I was called the n-word.  That lady walked into the store where I was working and asked me, "N-word, where can I find a toothbrush that says Wisconsin Dells?"  I felt weird.  Then there was the time at Blockbuster where I was reading the back of a DVD case and a guy came up to me and said, "Oh snap!  N-word that movie will scare the shit out of you!" 
    Cocky:  They called you a derogatory name for another race?
    Me: Yes and then there was the time I was at a chain restaurant/bar with a guy from my church and we were talking about deer hunting.  I said that because of my health I hadn't been able to go out and all I could do was shine.  I went on about shining.  Then one man stood and got in my face and asked, "Who you calling a shine, cracker?" 
    Cocky: So your alleged intolerance was answered with ignorance?  Bravo!
    Me: I guess what I am saying is that no Xangan is going to cure society's ills unless Fred Durst returns to Xanga, then it may happen.  Promotion and awareness are great but name-calling to make your argument is not warranted.  My greatest piece of advice is not to click the link. 

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I have a friend whose wife is expecting their first child.  He just told me about an extramarital affair he was having with a 16 year old girl.  I was angered and reminded him of his wife at home.  He said that he had a moral lapse of reason.  Should I remain friends with him?  Should I write an anonymous letter to his wife explaining the affair?
                                             Conundrum in Coon Valley
    Me: First of all, your friend is a moral zero.  If I was you I would dump this friend. 
    Cocky: The best way to dump someone is with a good old punch to the throat....it feels great to bring back that piece of advice.
    Me: As for the anonymous letter, they accomplish nothing.  If you are concerned sit down with his wife and explain what is bothering you.  If he is out fucking teenagers then he is risking exposure to the wife and future child with disease amongst other things.
    Cocky:  Yeah, you also get your friend to give you that girl's number and send her over my way so I can peck her eyes out for homewreckin'.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    How has the Simpsons lasted so many seasons?
                                              Simpsons Fan in Spring Green
    Me: They keep putting out quality material because of great writers and they don’t have a “real” cast so they can get away with never aging.
    Cocky:  Bullshit!  They are starting to repeat their own storylines.  The real reason they have lasted so long is the same as how another Simpson got away with murder.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Does it make me gay if my girlfriend likes to screw me up the butt with a strap-on?  I forgot to mention that she has a beard.
                                        Anally in Alma Center
    Me: No, I think it only makes you gay if you are gay.
    Cocky:  So are you auditioning to be the next Dali Lama?
    Me: No, his question is valid because many straight men fear that receiving anal pleasure makes them gay.
    Cocky: And with that statement, you’ll be the next victim of the bait bus.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    How do you tell your girlfriend you want have her get some fake titties without hurting her feelings?
                                        Chesticles in Chilton
    Me: There is no way you could go about doing that without hurting her feelings.  You should love your girlfriend for who she is and accept everything about her.
    Cocky: Don’t listen to the hippy.  What you do is this: pour maple syrup all over her breasts and when she asks why, you say you thought you were eating pancakes.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    What is the world’s worst pick-up line?
                                        Pick-up Artist in Peshtigo
    Me    : Cocky, are you ready to unleash your worst?
    Cocky    : Of course, fruity, I’m always ready to beat you.
    Me: Are you from Tennessee? Is that why you're missing teeth?
    Cocky: Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to stalk you?
    Me: Pardon me, do you have an orifice you're not using?
    Cocky: Do you know karate? 'Cause I need to know if you're gonna put up a fight.
    Me: Are your legs tired? THEN STOP RUNNING FROM ME, BITCH!
    Cocky: You’re prettier than a new set of whitewall tires.
    Me: Do you want to see something swell?
    Cocky: Hey, sis, get in the back of the truck.
    Me: And we have a winner

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I am a college student and I am a romantic at heart.  I am preparing a meal for a girl and I want a movie to watch afterward.  Do you have any recommendations?
                                            Dater in DeSoto
    Me: Well I can tell you one movie to avoid...The Princess Bride.  I watched that with a girl in college and halfway through she was talking of marriage.  At that time I was of a sound mind and was freaked out by her "proposal".  I think the best movies to watch would be in the PG or PG-13 comedy genre.  Whatever you do make sure you watch the movie before you view it with your date.
    Cocky: The movie you want to watch with a date is 9½ Weeks.  With that movie, you get dinner plus a show!  If that doesn't work try Pink Floyd's The Wall but make sure you load up your meal with morning glory seeds and also make sure if you view that one, the red wine which you use should actually be Robotussin.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Recently I was on a date with a girl and things were going smoothly.  Then as I was driving her home she reached over and grabbed my crotch.  It wasn't that pleasant because she was rough.  I laughed nervously and she removed her hand.  She called me up later and said she was devastated because she had never touched a guy in that manner before.  I guess my question is should I go out with her again despite the awkwardness?
                                             Touched in Twivers
    Me: Well I would say go for it.  There will be some awkwardness at first but you may want to explain why you were shocked.  If this is truly the first time she grabbed a guy like that then maybe she has feelings for you and didn't know how to express herself.
    Cocky: Yeah, dude, either she is nuts about you are she wants to be your urologist.  Go out with her again or both the godfather and I will come and punch you in the throat.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    How would you go about picking lotto numbers?
                                        Lotto Lover in Luck
    Me    : Well the lottery isn’t something I play.  I do play scratch-offs occasionally but the big games aren’t for me.  It’s nice that some money goes to school districts but that is miniscule.  I would say just do a random guess. 
    Cocky     : You go up to the nearest old lady, punch her in the throat, steal her purse, and then use her social security card to select your numbers.

    Dear Cocky,
    were you ever considered for the role of Rooster Cogburn in the re-make of True Grit? Because I think you would have been a natural for that part, especially the drinking scenes.
                      Melfamy
    Cocky: Well you know something, they hired me as a consultant.  The Cohen brothers didn't want to put me on camera because I was too gritty and they feared that my performance would make John Wayne look like he was acting in a middle school play.  Oh and if you didn't know the name Cogburn was derived from my family name.
    Me: Really?
    Cocky: REALLY?  Yes, of course it was.  They wanted to Americanize the name McCockburns.  Also they thought my surname sounded a little dirty and ethnic-y.
    Me: Well that makes me question the whole naming process because we have a sponsor named Cockburn's Port.
    Cocky: Same family...when they arrived that Portugal's version of Ellis Island they made them drop the Mc.
    Me:  I wish they would have done that with the fine Scottish restaurant called McDonald's.
    Cocky: Just get rid of the entire chain?
    Me: Yes, it is deplorable with the working conditions and health care.
    Cocky: But where would you take your dates?

    Me: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

      And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
    Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
    Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
    Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
    Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
    Cocky     : Wrong!  I'm a cock.


    Rec or die!

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