February 28, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 2/25

  I didn't post this on Friday because I went to visit my friends and godchild.  She is amazing.  Then I went to a haunted bar which I will have to post about tomorrow.  The Academy Award...who's watching, seriously?  Anyway, here's the round up...NSFW and NSFL.  The secret word for this entry is "wait".
  
  On a recent episode of The Jersey Shore, The Situation was spotted doing coke on the dance floor.  This isn't the first time he's accused of doing coke on the show.  People close to the show say the cast is good at avoiding the cameras but this time The Situation was caught.  You know with all the shows on MTV why aren't the religious right and the Tea Baggers storming MTV headquarters with pitchforks?  Look at what they put out...Jersey Shore...Teen Mom...Skins...come on!  A girl recently made me watch an episode of Jersey Shore because I knock it all the time yet I hadn't watched a full episode.  The Situation comes off as psychotic idiot who explodes at people and tries to make others miserable if they don't do what he wants or if he feels bad so they should feel bad as well.  He's a spoiled kid who takes steroids and has a fucked up haircut and who wears shirts too small for him because he needs to sop up all the fake tanner and will dry hump women at the drop of a that.  What would make a guy act like that?  Oh yeah, cocaine.
  
  OK there was a time when I found Roseanne attractive.  There I said.  And because I hate you, here's a current pic.  Yep, this is payback for your support of anti-Semitic behvaior on Xanga.  Look at this Jew.
  
  Good news!  Randy Quaid will never face charges for criminal vandalism in the United States.  Canada has refused to extradite him because his wife is a Canadian citizen and she has sponsored Randy to become a citizen.  Damn...we are losing Cousin Eddie.  I had a feeling if there was a new National Lampoon's Vacation movie it would feature Cousin Eddie becoming a citizen of Canada.  They are both insane and I guess this is a fair trade since Canada gave us Avril Lavigne.
  
  HELL YES!  I CAN NOT WAIT!  AAAAHHHHHHH I SAID THE SECRET WORD!
  
  Paris Hilton and her boyfriend were spotted this week shopping for engagement and wedding rings.  People close to her have said she is also shopping for a wedding and that she wants it to be a once in a lifetime event.  I'm sorry Paris but you live in Hollywood and the first wedding is just an appetizer.  Most "stars" don't get settled until the third marriage.
  
  Here we we see the Olsen Twins with their dog.  Only one of them doesn't have fleas.  Can you guess which one?
  
  Billy Ray Cyrus was supposed to be on The View this week but Miley threw a fit and he canceled his appearance.  She was livid because of the things he said in GQ magazine and didn't want him airing any more dirty laundry.  Billy Ray has portrayed himself as a selfless hero but I'm starting to see the gun pointed at the back of his head.
  
  Mariah Carey has spent upwards of $1million for her nursery.  Some things that have been bought include designer clothes, music system, diamond encrusted iPods, a flatscreen TV that descends from the ceiling, state of the art cribs, changing tables, and reclining massage chairs for those late night feedings.  Her kids will be brats and will grow up to think the world revolves around them sort of like Lindsay, Britney, Xtina, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Gwyneth, Paris, Miley...oh I could go on.
  
  Lindsay Lohan was in court this week and the judge said he didn't care  who she was and if she cops a plea she will go to jail and no where else.  So this means that Lindsay faces serving at least a year in jail for theft or go to trial.  Maybe it was jail or foot massages for a year.  I don't know, this is the California penal system.
  
  Lindsay is also back with Sam Ronson who tweeted this week that Lindsay was sleeping next to her while they were watching Grey's Anatomy.  For once Lindsay has made a wise decision in sleeping through Grey's Anatomy.  The backs of my eyelids are more interesting than that show but then that may be because of some illegal substances from my wild youth.  Hopefully Sam can get better taste in TV than her taste in women.
  
  This is Kellan Lutz.  This is for the ladies since my regular writings seem to be so mammory-centric.  I'm sorry but the body screams "Jolly Green Giant" and the brain screams "ho ho ho".
  
  Maybe with all the money he saves in paying child support if he covers his stump before he humps, Kanye West could fund Planned Parenthood.
  
  Justin Bieber cut his hair and all the Bieber fever sufferers are suffering all the more.  I hope he loses all his power much like Samson.  Lesbians who looked like Justin Bieber have let out a sigh of relief.  I wonder why he cut it.  Drug tests?  Maybe Selena Gomez was jealous that he had the longer hair in their relationship.
  
  Holly Madison was in Las Vegas at the Planet Hollywood for something or other.  I'm sure the people at that restaurant were just looking for a way to get her to bend over and expose her ginormous rack.  Jokes on them, she would have done it for as low as $500.
  
  George Takei sent this out via Twitter.  I want to know what you think it means.  If I get enough repsonses I'll tell you want I think he thought it meant.
  
  I remember before Barack Obama was picked by Bohemian Grove to become president, people talked about George Clooney running for office.  Well in the recent Newsweek Clooney said he wouldn't run because he's "fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs".  Hey, that never stopped George Bush or Barack Obama or well what president hasn't fucked too many chicks or did too many drugs?  Jimmy Carter?
  
  The look of sheer terror on that kid's face is understandable given that Gary Busey is within 15 miles of him but I think I'm still going to call CPS.
  
  A rumor is circulating that Christina Aguilera took her new boyfriend to a family gathering and while the family was eating she excused herself and took her boyfriend to have sex in the bathroom near the dining room and it was loud and the people at the dinner were quite uncomfortable.  Of course sex is the best way to break up the boredom of a family reunion...wait,  I should rephrase that or make it sound less dirty...sex with people who you are not related to is the best way to break up the boredom of a family get together.  If I have to hear about Aunt Mildred's swollen ankles one more time I'm going to bring a hooker to a reunion.  I'd rather be coming than going to a family reunion...or something like that...gah...forever alone.
  
  Remember 2 years ago when Rihanna was beat up by her boyfriend Chris Brown and TMZ refused to print photos of Rihanna because they were too gruesome?  Well this is one of those photos.  Chris Brown probably claims she just fell down 70 flights of stairs.  So why does a guy who is destined to be forever alone feel like I want to inflict harm on Chris Brown?
  
  Photos have surfaced of Bam Margera with a woman who is not his wife and who happens to be 17 years old.  I always thought Bam was sort of sleazy but this is further proof.  How does one land a 17 year old girl in order to have an affair?  Top shelf booze!
  
  Amber Portwood from MTV's Teen Mom recently sold nude pics to Radar Online and if you want to wash your eyes out after seeing Roseanne click here.  The reason she posed nude is because she thinks she is an aspiring pin-up model and she wants to exercise her freedom of expression.  Well let me express this...she is probably only posing nude because of the sky-rocketing price of meth or she doesn't want to get a real job.
  
  It's baseball season which means I have The Sandlot in my DVD rotation.  It looks like Yeah-Yeah and Ham have grown up.  Ham hasn't changed a bit but Yeah-Yeah looks like a Jersey Shore reject who had to settle for Jerselicious.
  
  Britney Spears is being sued by the Bellamy Brothers for the likeness of her new song to their hit from 1979.  Come on, how can anyone that looks like Britney be taken seriously?  You can't tell her she needs to consult an attorney because she probably thinks an attorney is some sort of horse or a pie eating contest.
  
  Ramon Estevez wants us to leave his son Carlos alone and has said this: "He's doing well. We pray for him. If he had cancer, how would you treat him? This disease of addiction is a form of cancer. You have to have an equal measure of concern and love and lift him up."  Maybe Ramon should be saying that to his son Carlos. 
  
  Kacey Jordan, one of Charlie Sheen's harem, admitted to Radar Online that she had an abortion: "I had the abortion last Thursday, I went home to Oregon to have it because that is where I grew up. I was sick and on the couch all day. I think it might have been too soon to be Charlie's baby, but you never know. I get pregnant very easily. Charlie and I tried to use protection... I kept having to put it on again. I don't want people to think I just had sex with him and didn't try to use one. I was just impressed he was able to finish really. A week earlier I had been with another celebrity, so it could of been his, but I can't talk about him because I had to sign a release."  I...get...pregnant...very...easily?  WHAT?  THE?  FUCK?  OK when I taught sex ed. I told the kids that they should imagine unprotected sex like standing in a hallway and someone firing a machine gun at you and not expecting to get hit by a bullet.  Christ...she really is giving Planned Parenthood a great name.  It's not like she doesn't use condoms in her film or hasn't already had 4 abortions.  So yeah...let's keep abortion legal for the brain dead.  She also had this to say: "I had a sugar daddy in New Jersey for 5 months, he bought me everything but then, he put the lockdown on me and I felt like I couldn't do anything, and he was in control. You know, you get used to that lifestyle, then you end up having to do everything he says so you can keep it. I want to make my own money so I have freedom.  It is better to have lots of sugar daddies and rotate them. Yes, I want multiple sugar daddies."  What a modern independent woman!  I think she should go on Jerry Springer because she could supply him with a whole season's worth of shows.  Feminism!  Maybe Rolling Stone should ask Justin Bieber what he thinks of her having 4 abortions since he can't even think of one.
  
  Charlie Sheen went on the Alex Jones show for an interview.  OK I have often thought that Alex Jones is pretty crazy himself but Charlie took the cake.  Let's start off with what Charlie thinks of one of America's founding fathers: "Thomas Jefferson was a pussy."  Well after seeing the John Adams series I might have to agree.  Charlie had this to say about his haters: "They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."  Joke's on you, Carlos, I'm single and forever alone.  Charlie had this to say about AA: "I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years. I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. It’s vintage, outdated and stupid and it’s followed by STUPID people. I hate them violently. They will come at me. Debate me on AA right now. I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it right now with my mind. I cured it, I'm done! ”  Believe it or not, I sort of agree.  Then Charlie had this to say about Two and a Half Men's creator Chuck Lorre: "I violently hate Chaim Levine. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I'd never want to be like. That's me being polite. That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family's pocket, and, most importantly, my second family -- my crew's pocket. You can tell him one thing. I own him."  Well this interview didn't set well with Warner Brothers or CBS so they released this statement: "Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of 'Two and a Half Men' for the remainder of the season."  I think the writers are preparing for next season and are calling it One and a Half Men.  Of course Charlie fired back with an open letter to fans sent to TMZ: What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.  Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...Charlie Sheen
  Charlie has been telling people that HBO has offered him a talk show but HBO denies such an offer exists.  I think the only shows Charlie could do would be Intervention or a biopic about Qaddafi.  Charlie did come under fire for using Chuck Lorre's real Hebrew name.  People claimed that he was being anti-Semetic.  Charlie said that because his haters call him Carlos Estevez it doesn't make them anti-Latino.  I like to sit back and think that Carlos stopped by my site.  Hey Carlos!  Can you get me in Major League?  Charlie went on another radio show and said this about whether or not he'd be back on Two and a Half Men: “These guys are a couple of AA Nazis and just blatant hypocrites.  Can you imagine going back into the sludge pit with those knuckleheads at this point? Can you imagine? It would go bad quickly."  And when asked about if this is the last we'll see of him he said this: “Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch – it’s about to get really gnarly.”  Gnarly?  Did he graduate from the Jeff Spiccoli school of public speaking?  I really don't have to write anything funny here because just read what Charlie said or make that Carlos.  Hey Carlos!  Yeah, I don't think this will end well.

  Video Section:
  Justin Bieber played in a celebrity basketball game during the NBA All-Star weekend.  The best part was when he got knocked down.  Why do I wish he stayed down and never got up?
  
  Paula Deen was on Top Chef this week and well she opened her mouth and something came out that was semi-erotic.
  
  This week on American Idol, Jennifer Lopez had to break the news to some poor schlub that he wouldn't be joining the top 24.  Apparently this was difficult for her and she broke down and gave the best performance of her life.  She should be nominated for the Best Actress Oscar.
  
  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  Don't expect one of these next weekend.  I'm going to be drinking beer at a brewery.

  • 12:57 PM
  • 38 Comments