March 2, 2011
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Motivation
It was national pancake day at IHOP so women with flat breasts felt pride.
I hear that the best way to get fresh breath is to spray it with Febreeze.
Someone asked me what size my shoes were so I said, “Bend over, I’ll show you.”
March is a beautiful time for camping in Wisconsin especially at the capitol building. Ha-ha…closing it is unconstitutional according the the state constitution.
My goal is to never win an Oscar and so far I’m living the dream.
If someone honks at me seconds after the light changes to green, I usually put it in park just to see their reaction.
A recent survey said that 50% of respondents said sex was a meaningful and intimate act between partners and the other 50% were men. Asian massage parlors are like love stories because they both have happy endings. Never date a stripper because you’ll end up broke, broken-hearted, and you’ll never be able to wash the glitter off your junk. Gynecologists and pizza delivery people have something in common, they both can smell it but they can’t taste it. I’ve been getting a lot of emails for boner pills so all those companies obviously don’t know me; they should be sending me emails about penis reduction surgery. Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets knocked up. Having sex with a clown is fucking funny. I like girls with beer guts because you know they can party. How many times having sex with the same sex does it take to mean you’re not bi-curious? Girls, if you’ve ever wondered if a guy you’re friends with wants to have sex with you the answer is always yes. Every time I masturbate, I have a stroke of genius. Most of the time a successful Plan A will lead to a Plan B. My girlfriend has a weird fetish of wanting to cuddle after sex. A spoonful of sugar may help the medicine go down but a bottle full of vodka helps the ladies go down. Ladies, what do you do with your breasts when you aren’t using them? I sort of would like to borrow them. Guys, you shouldn’t lie to your girlfriend because that’s why you have a wife. If I had a dollar for every time a woman said I was great at sex, I’d have 50 cents. If I die and someone needs to erase my porn on my computer, it’s in the file labeled “Gluten Free Recipes”. I blame my sexual failures on John Goodman’s shaven arms in The Flinstones.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
The best way to save money on car insurance is to drive away from the scene of your accidents.
The best way to drink is to drink like your parents’ acceptance is at the bottom of the bottle.
You can lead a horse to water or you can drive a car like the majority of the 21st century.
If Myspace was a real live person his name would be Guy Fieri. Did you know that Guy has a dog named Rock Star? Yeah, I’m not surprised either and yes, I still want to punch him in the face and shave his head.
I remember sitting on my grandfather’s lap and him saying, “Get off, you fat fuck. You’re 20!”
In Walmart the man with the most teeth is king. I would be king then but whenever I go to Walmart, I fear there will be a Kid Rock or Nickelback concert that breaks out.
I think I have tourette’s syndrome and my tic is that I fart.
Charlie Sheen isn’t crazy; he’s smart because he knows how to get out of paying hookers. You know, Iran could be wiped off the face of the earth by Israel but no one would notice because of Charlie Sheen. I think the reason he’s going through such a horrible time is because he forgot to send out that chain email from this weekend.
WINNING!
Comments (68)
“If someone honks at me seconds after the light changes to green, I usually put it in park just to see their reaction.”
I like to tap my breaks when people get too close, it’s almost guaranteed to get a rise out of somebody.
Great.. the malt liquor song is stuck in my head.
Charlie Sheen for Governor of CA!
I played “Boys Don’t Cry” and “Simple Man” while I read. Good tunes!
I have that weird fetish, too. Maybe all women have it. ???
The Mike Litoris poster made me LOL!
Love the “love is fun and games…” quote! So true! Ha!
And your computer file of “gluten free recipes”!
Dwight always makes me feel a bit smarter.
HUGS and thanks for the motivation!
Haha! I seriously can’t believe those shake weights were actually produced. They make me laugh every time I see them.
I only got half the jokes and I still had a great time here this morning.
If someone honks at me seconds after the light changes to green, I usually put it in park just to see their reaction.
I think I saw the result of this a couple of weeks ago. Three SUVs and three small cars attached end-to-end to the tailgate of the SUV at the head of the conga line. The little cars seemed to have gotten the fuzzy end of the lollipop, having been crumpled between the SUVs like a string of twisted tootsie roll wrappers. No one appeared to be hurt, but I couldn’t help noticing the painfully conspicuous absence of the local constabulary.
Traffic urged us forward before I could get a picture, to my dismay. Larry LOL’d.
man oh man, Charlie Sheen… i may join twitter just to follow him…
Hahaha I went to school with a boy who’s name was Mike Hunt.
Good ones sir. I’m surprised no one’s made one of that ab pump thing.
I remember sitting on my grandfather’s lap and him saying, “Get off, you fat fuck. You’re 20!”
This post is full of win. The snooki/Jersey shore posters are great.
The EPIC FAILURE was so true!
I was always surprised that guy gierri does such a lame actually him cooking show- sure he is the perfect his face in or jump on in and drive to a diner dumper drive up window and just twich and jive….or somethinglike that-…imagine how cool that car is driving to the taco house 3 blunts in…the look on his face would about cover in one picture the criticism of drive in diners and dives. it really isn’t a highbrow show- the food’s flipping great as i’ve visited the places some of them anyways. but I can count the times I’ve been excited to see a travel america store….it’s more than none but not that many…if you’ve ever traveled greyhound to beyond timbuktu- only to a middle of the night tain flickering streetlamp that mostly didn’t work and vending machines…. you’d soon praise the almighty for a travel america and promptly dropa jackson for the junkfood action….get your own bag…..
@Dust_to_Dust84 -
That was something they taught me in driver’s ed. If someone is tailgating you, just tap your brakes to let them know. I wonder how many people actually know that. I do that from time to time when I’m out in the country and someone gets too close.
That song is by Roger Alan Wade. He is Johnny Knoxville’s cousin and his music has been featured in the Jackass movies.
It was so nice not having to work all of February. I could stop in and see your blog nearly every day. Now that I have to work I have to read three posts in a row, just to catch up. Which By the way I didn’t do. I only read two of them. (The ones with pictures) ;-D
@adamswomanlost -
I don’t get cuddling. I think you’d want to be apart from someone who just did the nasty times thing with you.
I would love that to be his actual name.
Yeah I was thinking about a friend who just told me he knocked up a random bar skank and somehow it reminded me of my grade school teacher always saying, “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.” I think her brother lost an eye playing baseball or football.
@Lithium98 -
I remember the first time I saw one I was at my parents and I had to hold back my laughter. The first time I saw them at Walmart I was with my 70 year old aunt and she started making the male masturbation motion. I had to hold back my laughter. At least I let it all unload when I saw the South Park episode with those.
@twoberry -
Hahaha…glad you had a fun time
@Mikke3vArt -
Glad you liked
@ZombieMom_Speaks -
Maybe I won’t do that any more.
By the way, is that profile pic from Zombies and Pride and Prejudice?
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Ha! I love the cuddling afterwards…sometimes I even sing to him quietly, or chat quietly, and sometimes both of us just go to sleep. I always thought jumping up and getting a sandwich or ordering a pizza would be fun, too.
It would be funny if that Mike Litorus named his kids things like “Chris” “Cathy”…you see where I’m going with this.
@Peridot21 -
so far his twitter hasn’t had that much action just him retweeting what people say about him but once he starts writing stuff then I expect all hell to break loose. Oh he did post a picture of him with a porn star and chocolate milk and called it “pick your vice” and then he took a photo with Babe Ruth’s World Series ring…winning.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Out of curiosity, who taught you to drive? My grandfather ran a drivers ed school in Green Bay a ways back called Bay City Driving School.
@Nipsyyy -
Oh those parents, how could they not know? My dad was teaching once and he had a student named Mike Hunt and he thought it was a joke but it turned out that was the kid’s name.
@npr32486 -
I haven’t seen those ab pumps advertised. I will have to keep an eye out.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
If I can remember what the darn thing is called I’ll link it to you
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength -
I think grandpa had week bones.
I think CPS needs to be called on the people who dressed their kids like Jersey Shore.
@kachino -
I think the Vikings are pulling for a strike so they can figure out what they’ll do for a stadium.
@I_once_was -
Exactly, his cooking is pretty boring because everything is just a regular food item but with his added peppers or some form of heat. It doesn’t help that he has an 8 year old’s vocabulary with a 14 year old’s fashion sense. PLUS THE PRONOUNCIATION OF HIS NAME!?!!?!!?!!?! GAWD?!?!?!?! It’s FERRY not FEE-ITTI. Now I am a seething ball of hate.
@Aloysius_son -
Photos are fun but not as fun as living in a garbage can.
@adamswomanlost -
I often want to go to a restaurant to order take out and use the name Mike Hunt so they call out Mike Hunt. Also…Andy Bangderhard, Ramsey Cockinner, Howie Feltersnatch, Jack Mehoff(funny side note, there was a pastor in these parts with the name Hoff and I went to high school with his son Phil, he always joked that he had a cousin named Jack), Mike Oxbig, Drew P. Sack, Kareem Oliver DaBeli, Sharon Seamon, Eric Shun
@Dust_to_Dust84 -
I took my driver’s ed. in La Crosse, although it says Green Bay in my name that’s just for my love of the Packers.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
Ha! that’s SO funny! When my kids were little, I used to do something similar…only I just used names like “Elvis”, “PeeWee Herman”, “Batman” and such. The fun thing was to watch the people’s reaction when that name was called.
It embarrassed my kids to death! They finally begged me to quit doing it, so I quit. If you can’t embarrass your kids who can you embarrass??!? 
@godfatherofgreenbay -
as for regular food- i do believe justin wilson ‘s regular ol’ lousianna food, frugal gourmet’s good old regular for- julia childs regular old elite french food ;_ nick stelino’s italian food with the finger walkinking motif between started and done or better yet mary ann espisito pleasure of dinner food which makes lydia italian table a delight but mary ann’s stuff is still a delight- then there is the exotic asian….. now not really the same meley of vegetables and slap on a different sauce- for home chefs i still say the best home dish I ever had was a busted pan on a sketchy electric stove- foodbank or itty bitty bottles of store brand stuff- the rice was buttered minute- it isn’t hard to figure out….the chicken was fried in canola oil then he tossed in water and a chicken boulian or really got a lot of fond off the pan and steam/boiled the drain most of the water and added soy andfloured water to finish a salty chickeny chicken and broccoli. the cooking method was only remarable for it’s lack of seeming elegance and yet the dish beat outevery good chinese joint in town- you could taste the love within it. and not to mention the chicken broc and sauce distinctly a trick many cooks fail. I’m tellin you if I’d filmed it- you’d thought me weird or avant garde.
You make me laugh, funny man.
-Putting your car in park in such situation is just brilliant! And same thing goes for that “Gluten-free recipes” file.
-The parents’ acceptance one is full of win. Let’s hope no teenager is going to read and apply this one xD
-Poor myspace
-That’s one precious memory to have @you and your Grandfather.
I like both Simple Man and Ripple best.
And, hopefully, you will win something that’s a whole lot better than an Oscar!
I hope you’re having a nice week, Matt. =)
haha! charlie sheen is my hero!
@nov_way -
I have thought that no one is interested in Gluten free recipes although I found out my aunt has moved to that type of diet so I may have to think of something new.
I wish I could have see the Grateful Dead live but it will never happen. I have seen the band that did Simple Man both Clem Snide, who did the cover, and Lynyrd Skynyrd although not the original version.
Hope you are having a great week yourself.
@Automaton_Emotion -
How am I funny? Like a clown sent to amuse you?
@ThePrince -
Winning…I love it
@godfatherofgreenbay - You’re not that short, are you?
Clown meat definitely looks funny. I don’t think I’d want to try it lol
@Automaton_Emotion -
No but made a short temper but actually not
@Shining_Garnet -
I question what it is made of so I probably wouldn’t eat it.
Dan knows Charlie Sheen! I’m impressed.
@NightlyDreams -
Who?
Charlie Sheen and LiLO would make a great couple you know.
I almost cried at the Jersey Shore poster.
@bluepillorredpill -
Well it may happen because I hear they’ve been giving each other words of encouragement
@GodlessLiberal -
Have you ever wondered what the future of our country will be when the people who grew up on MTV’s reality shows take political office? Oh wait, there’s a guy from the Real World serving as a representative in the Wisconsin assembly.
@godfatherofgreenbay - The blind leading the blind.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
I try not to think about these things, except for use in my stand up. Thinking out it as a reality makes me very, very sad.
Haha that’s exactly why he’s going through such a hard time…
Love the motivation.. and those were some very interesting sentences b4 the motivation as well
sighhh … why does everybody around here hate Nickelback?
@CPKviperphoenix -
Have you seen Charlie’s Twitter? I not convinced it’s really him.
@Writing_the_Tides -
well I disliked them because they got way overplayed where I was in college. It was like they were made gods in MN and some people used their songs to justify actions. I had neighbors who loved that song about the guy who beats his girlfriend…yep, they thought it was pro-abuse.
lol, your blogs are totally EPIC
my goal is to never become a best-selling author. i am so living the fucking dream
@Diva_Jyoti_3 -
Aww…thank you
@hilaw -
I think you have a better shot of being a best seller than I do of winning an Oscar.
I love when femenists go off about people being sexist. I want to just pull out a mirror…..but then it would turn into a cat fight!
@hesacontradiction -
I remember hearing a woman protesting that we should stop sexism and she called all men filthy pigs…something is a bit wrong.
@godfatherofgreenbay - ah…they’ve got role models now.
@godfatherofgreenbay - http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347 Indeed it is. I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my ‘must soon read’ list.
I noticed you’re using Pickles from Metalocalypse. Did you see ‘Dethdad’? The guys went to Norway and were riding on Nathan’s cycle, with the wind blowing Pickle’s dreads combover like a wind sock. Laughed my ass off. That and the firecracker bit with Murderface made the entire episode for me.
Finally, Xanga started sending me my daily subscription again and I can enjoy your post. Loved it. Loved too many parts to comment on any one part.
@ZombieMom_Speaks -
Oh I haven’t watched that show for some time. I need to get the dvds eventually. I did find some sites that hosted mp3s but I seem to have lost them.
It’s a fun book. The author who wrote that also wrote Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I only got into those books because I heard the one about Lincoln was being made into a movie. I’ve heard rumblings about the other being optioned but I don’t know if it will work.
@curiousdwk -
Glad you enjoyed. I have no clue what is up with Xanga emails. I was getting them religiously and then for the longest time they stopped.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Here’s the episode: http://www.viddler.com/explore/paulvin/videos/12/
At first I thought the show was going to be stupid as hell, but I started watching the DVDs with John (my oldest) and fell in love with it.