March 12, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 3/11

  I really don't have much to say here.  I had a boring day other than having kids walk out of school but that's to be expected.  I got an email from my college and I'm thinking of going back to see if my degree is not just a useless piece of paper but I don't think they would take me because I have way too many questions that they can't handle.  I'm also looking at UW for some sort of new degree but because my college is a renowned diploma mill or at least it's seen that way in the work force I'll probably have 4 years of college to look forward to.  Fuck.  And I split the crotch out of a pair of sweat pants this evening.  I can't tell you how or why but it just sucks.  My favorite pair of Zubaz...ruined.  Anyway...some items may be NSFW or NSFL...should I explain it or do you even read this?
  
  At recent event or some shit like that Vanessa Hudgens was asked if she was dating and she said she wasn't but she was taking potential suitors' phone numbers.  I hope my agent gets me in that casting call.  She has to screen guys because she probably doesn't like being a beard anymore.  Well if Vanessa is interested I have 8 numbers for her...8 as in inches.  But she'd be disappointed to know it's more like 10.  But in all seriousness it's 13 inches.  She really shouldn't be advertising that she wants a man because one thing that guys hate is a desperate girl.  But I hear girls love desperate guys.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DATE ME! 
  
  On New Year's Eve 2009, Usher and Beyonce performed a private show for Moammar Gadhafi and it was rumored that each artist was paid 6 or 7 figures each for their performances.  Nelly Furtado performed for Gadhafi on New Year's Eve 2007.  When confronted with this, Beyonce made a $1million donation to a Haiti earthquake relief fund.  Furtado has said she will be making a $1million donation to charity.  My name is really Charity by the way.  Usher has said he was going to donate $1million to Amnesty International but they claim they haven't received any money.  You know what Usher should do?  Since he "discovered" Justin Bieber, he should make Bieber perform in Libya this weekend or better yet...Somalia.
  
  Taylor Momsen, 17 years old, wore this little leather bar wench costume for her bands' performance at an S&M club in Germany.  Hmmm...Deutschland über alles!
  
  These are photos from another performance by 17 year old Taylor Momsen and her band.  She looks like she will be fun when she turns 18.  I bet the reason why she acts this way is because there's too much fluoride in the water.  That has to be the reason why our young people are over-sexed.  THE FLUORIDE!
  
  Suri Cruise is 4 years old and still uses a pacifier.  I hear that's bad for your teeth.  I asked my parents if I ever used one and they claim I did but once I turned 1 the pacifier wore out and they tried to give me a new one but I refused and that was the last of pacifiers.  Nothing could shut me up but little did they know beer works fine now.  Back to Suri...little do we know, she's just on her way to buy clothes for a rave.  She has the pacifier and she's there to pick up her Jinco jeans, her Superman t-shirt, and her candy necklaces.
  
  Hey look, it's Old Broads Gone Wild!  Paula Deen went wild on Robert Irvine's chest after he smeared some butter all over it.  That was foolish of him.  She licked it up really quick because she can get every bit of butter out of every nook or crevice.  If he wanted to challenge her, he should have smeared some pizzaiola.  That would have been a challenge since it doesn't have butter in it.  Does anything she make not contain butter?
   
  Here's a promotional photo of Wendy Williams for the new season of Dancing with the Stars.  She is my early pick because...well I find her hot.  I'm like Crayola.  My only fear is that she may not be able to dance in heels and stand up straight.  She has something up top weighing her down.  Oh well, she'll give Joel McHale plenty of fodder.
  
  Here's the promotional photo of 60 year old Kirstie Alley.  Yeah, she's 60 and damn she looks pretty good.  It's also good to hear that she is as horny as a 16 year old boy.  She took to twitter and said that her partner should be nicknamed Johnny Ampleseed.  So, Kirstie, we don't want to know that your partner produces large amounts of ejaculate but I want to know what happened to Rebecca after Cheers went off the air.  Oh I also want to know what revenge you have planned for Wendy Williams since she regularly grills you on her show.  I know you have refused to be photographed with her and that includes cast shots.  It's nice to hear you're still a diva.  I also can't wait for your departure or Wendy's departure because Wendy is set to unload all your secrets.  I may have to watch this season.
  
  O...M...G...Paris Hilton can exit a car without exposing her snatch to all the paparazzi snapping photos.  I think she has finally reached adulthood.
  
  Pastor Mike Huckabee(and former governor of Arkansas and FOX News commentator) criticized Natalie Portmann for glorifying single motherhood.  He said this "People see a Natalie Portman who boasts, 'We're not married but we're having these children and they're doing just fine.' I think it gives a distorted image. It's unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of- wedlock children. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can't get a job, and if it weren't for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care," he said. "And that's the story that we're not seeing."  Hmmm so it's bad for Natalie Portmann to have a child out of wedlock but not Jamie Lynn Spears, Pastor Huckabee?  But you said this on another radio program: "Apparently, she's going to have the child, and I think that is the right decision, a good decision, and I respect that and appreciate it. I hope it is not an encouragement to other 16-year-olds who think that is the best course of action. But at the same time I'm not going to condemn her. It's a tragedy when a 16-year-old who is not really prepared for all the responsibilities of adult life is going to be now faced with all the responsibilities of honest-to-goodness adult life."  I know, I know...different circumstances.  Actually not.  A penis emits sperm and it travels to an egg and it fertilizes it and presto chango you have a baby.  So to recap, a 16 year old having a baby with no father=OK, an adult whose engaged having a baby=BAD.  I bet Pastor Huckabee loves Teen Mom.  OK so Natalie Portmann isn't guiltless.  She did say that eating meat is rape and she defended a guy who raped and sodomized a teenage girl.  Pastor Huckabee, there are plenty of other reasons why you can hate Natalie Portmann.  Like that movie she did with Ashton Kutcher.  Sweet Lord, I hate Ashton Kutcher.
  
  Miley Cyrus posed for a magazine spread.  She wore some short leather shorts but no one carries anymore since she is of legal age.  Sorry, old woman.
  
  Miley Cyrus is also reportedly dating via text messages Jared Followill of Kings of Leon.  Sexting...what is that?  I'll stick with my cybering thank you very much.  Either this guy will score with Miley or earn some sort of merit badge for figuring out what the hell she has on her head and why she considers those panties "hot".
  
  Mike Starr, former bassist of Alice in Chains, passed away at the age of 44 this week.  He had a trouble past few years.  He was on Celebrity Rehab for his drug abuse and in the last month was arrested for drug possession.  Alice in Chains may have been my favorite band to be labeled "grunge".  I hope Mike found his peace.
  
  Mike Meyers got married this week to his long time girlfriend at a tea shop in New York City that he co-owns with Moby.  You're not fooling anyone, Mike.  We all know you go "schwing" for schlong.  It's not any wonder that he got married now.  He's trying to pitch another Austin Powers movie.  Do we need another Austin Powers movie?  Maybe a remake of the first Austin Powers.
  
  Mel Gibson struck a deal and will not serve any jail time for beating his former girlfriend.  Sweet!  I now know it's OK to beat women and there will be absolutely no repercussions.  The judge should have sentenced him to be Charlie Sheen's personal valet for 6 months because that would be worse than jail.  Two words: semen puddles.
  
  Here's Megan Fox in a scene from her movie Passion Play.  This is the movie that Mickey Rourke said would make people know Megan Fox is a great actress and should be nominated for an Oscar.  Yep, people will get to know quickly because it was released straight to DVD.  Is it me or does it look like she got implants?  I seriously think she got magnet implants and they are polarizing.
  
  Lady Gaga just got cool in my book because of this outfit.  I think she's throwing out props to one of the best gang movies ever made, Mi Vida Loca.  Yeah, screw you, it's an awesome movie and the guy who played Earl in My Name is Earl made his debut in that film as a skateboarder looking to buy weed.  Oh she is totally Sad Girl.
  
  You know, I haven't said much about Kim Kardashian lately so here we go.  Damn!  Those pants and that ass, it looks like she has a family of rabbits in a garbage bag.
  
  Ke$ha recently partnered with LifeStyles condoms to put her face on a limited number of condoms that she will throw into the audience at her shows.  Talk about prevention.  If I want to lose an erection, I think of her.  The condoms could get used by concert goers if they put them over their ears to protect themselves from hearing awful music.
  
  Katy Perry can't sing or dance or write songs so she did the smart thing and parted ways with her music producer Dr. Luke.  This isn't good for her career since he's one of the big reasons why she is so popular.  I'll give you a hint at the other two big reasons why she's popular; they rhyme with "rubes".
  
  Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have broke up.  It's not a surprise since he was banging Amanda Seyfried, Olivia Munn, and Mila Kunis on the side.  A representative for Jessica broke the news.  Justin wasn't able to be reached for comment because his penis was in Mila Kunis.  I feel bad for Jessica.  The good news is, Jess, I'm single and I can afford to buy you a sheet set for your bed.  I may also be able to afford to buy you clothes that cover up your body.  It gets cold up here.
  
  Jesse James celebrated Kat Von D's birthday by kissing her in front of the paparazzi.  They are gross but I can't help but wonder if when they have sex does all the ink smear?
  
  Guy Fieri is such a douche but this story had me laughing.  He had his Lamborghini at a dealership on display.  Apparently a thief or thieves broke in and stole his car.  This isn't sad because an expensive car was stolen from its owner.  No, it's sad because Guy Fieri can afford a $200,000 car.  Most guys who are effeminate with spiked hair that is frosted would be ballerinas or some shit like that.  Oh and the thieves were caught on camera and they stole the car in under a minute. (So much effort for a Minute to Win It joke but I hate Guy Fieri)
  
  Emma Watson is a somewhat popular actress and now she can add college drop-out to her resume.  Here's a letter she sent out to her fans on her website: Hi everyone, As you know, I love Brown and I love studying pretty much more than anything but recently I've had so much to juggle that being a student AND fulfilling my other commitments has become a little impossible.  I've decided to take a bit of time off to completely finish my work on Harry Potter (the last one comes out this summer) and to focus on my other professional and acting projects. I will still be working towards my degree... it’s just going to take me a semester or two longer than I thought : )  Hope you are all well! Thank you for all your continuing support.  Emma xx 
  Wow that reads like my life story but you change "Ivy League School" with "tech school" and "making movies" with "smoke a ton of weed".  Shit, I have the chills.  I think my brain is set to explode.
  
  This week was a heck of a week for Chris Brown.  Somehow a photo of his penis wound up online and he talked about his relationship with Rihanna.  He said it was all a mishap.  No, looking and dressing like Urkel for a photo shoot is a mishap and not beating a woman senseless.  Fucking hell give me 5 minutes with this animal and I will teach him the meaning of mishap.  You know he would come off as a better guy if he would say in his best Urkel voice..."Did I do that?"  Fuck him.  Oh and if you want to see his schlong...here. Let's recap: a grown man doesn't lay hands on a woman, you look like a damn fool, and beating a woman until she requires plastic surgery isn't a mishap. 
  
  This is a photo of Brad Pitt from the set of his movie about the guy who played Uncle Fester, Jackie Coogan.  Actually it's not, it's a movie called Cogan's Trade.  He plays a guy investigating a mob poker game and happens to share the name with Uncle Fester.  You know, I'm not one to find guys attractive but I am digging that hair.  I wish I could rock my hair like that.  Curse you male pattern baldness!
  
  Audrina Partridge recently broke up with her boyfriend.  It looks like I can now win her over with my amazing thumb removal tricks.  "Gee, Mister, are you a wizard?"  Can you blame the guy for breaking up with her?  One of my requirements in a girlfriend is that she's able to spell and form coherent sentences.  I guess I have high standards and should plan on being alone since they plan to cut $900million from my state's education budget.
  
  Angelina Jolie recently made inquires to adopt a child from the Philippines.  Soon her family will resemble the United Nations.  I think this photo may shed light why she adopts so many kids.  She can't breastfeed her children since she has no nipples.  I stared and stared(which is supposedly a way to lower blood pressure according to German scientists...Deutschland über alles!) but I could find no nipples.
  
  When Adrianne Curry isn't playing World of Warcraft or talking about Star Wars, she's helping me have a nice day via Twitter.  Here's some nerdiness...does anyone else see the Eye of Sauron?
  
  I'm just going to say this once...I am so jealous of this guy.
  
  Maybe not.  Carlos was fired from Two and a Half Men this week.  To add insult to injury, Carlos had suggested that CBS use Rob Lowe to be the new Charlie on the show but CBS said they would not offer the role to Lowe.  I hope they don't bring back the show.  Maybe they should just have one more episode and say he died and Alan ends up homeless.  If they don't do that, they could always introduce a character for Sandy Duncan.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Valerie's Family became The Hogans?
  
  In case you didn't know, Britney Spears is still bat-shit crazy.  Britney did an interview for Out magazine and when asked if reincarnation was possible what would she come back as and she said she'd want to come back as a bird so she could fly.  Shit...she's so high on all her happy pills that she's 10,000 feet in the air.  See Britney doesn't get the whole reincarnation thing because they asked her who she may have been in a previous life.  Britney said she was Audrey Hepburn.  Audrey Hepburn died in 1993 and Britney was born in 1981.  She was also asked what she felt about gay marriage since she has been married twice and one of those times was for a mere 55 hours and Britney said that everyone should be treated equally.  Yes, all people should have the right to be married for 55 hours.  Oh well, she still knows how to pose for a good photo.

  Video Section
  Miley Cyrus was recently on Saturday Night Live and did a skit where she played Justin Bieber.  It was actually pretty funny.
  
  Justin Bieber got pissed at a paparazzo.  Maybe he was still sore from Miley portraying him on SNL.
  
  Tom Brady was spotted at Rio during Carnaval sporting a pony tail.  What a douche!  I wish the NFL would come back just so I could have the opportunity to tackle him.
  
  Charlie Sheen gave what he claims is his last interview.  He was on the Dan Patick Show.  It was so odd listening to that because Dan says it's time to take calls and here's Charlie from California.  It's odd how all the craziness started on the Dan Patrick Show and is supposedly going to end on that show.  I bet the mothership wishes they never cut ties.
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 12:57 PM
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