March 17, 2011
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Your homework has been graded
OK, class, let’s settle down. I had a chance to look at your homework and I must say I’m quite please. Rob_of_the_Sky, take that pencil out of your nose this instance. I was impressed with your answers. Some of my favorites were Billy Joel, Charles Bukowski, Hunter S Thompson, Nelson Mandela, Robert Frost, Bach, Christopher Walken, Les Claypool, C. S. Lewis, me, the Earl of Sandwich, Andy Kaufman, Traci Lords, Randy Savage, Dean Smith, Bob Dylan, ABBA, Blaze Starr, Bertrand Russell, and Martin Luther King Jr.
These are all great choices. I know some of you were merely selecting with your hormones but you are developing those feelings after all and it is to be expected. I won’t name names but you know who you are. For the love of all that is sacred, Rob_of_the_Sky, take the pencil out of your nose.
I have decided that since you did this assignment and put a lot of effort into it that I would give you my guests. This has been difficult for me because there are just so many I could choose from. I’m sure if I selected with my hormones you’d be freaked out so I will leave it to historical people. OK, Rob_of_the_Sky, you have a bloody nose. What did I tell you about putting a pencil in there? You can’t sharpen a pencil with your snot. Once you get done seeing the nurse, go see the principal. I want you to write me a 500 word essay about why you should put a pencil in your nose.
OK, here’s my dinner guests.
1. Martin Luther, I went with Luther because he has had such an impact on Christianity and not always for the good. If it wasn’t for Luther, we wouldn’t have any other church beside the Catholic and Orthodox denominations. I’d also like to quiz him about his hatred for Jews and ask how he felt about inspiring another guest to comment genocide. I’d also like to know what he thinks about modern Christianity and if he likes Michelle Bachmann’s quest for the presidency.
2. Tom Waits, we need a good musician for my meal and I am in the mood for some Tom Waits. There is just something about his voice. The dulcet tones make me just so relaxed. I figure that with him as a guest we’d sit around the table drinking scotch and smoking cigars as we listened to him lament about the winter lasting forever but looking on the bright side that spring would be coming soon…symbolism, class!
3. Julius Caesar, a military genius, politician, and poet. Caesar was an amazing individual. I’d love to pick his brain and ask him why I had to translate his writings in freshmen Latin class. I would debate whether or not “Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres” and if he was a gambling man because he once said, “Alea iacta est”. I’d also ask him if he had to say “puella, puella, puellam, puellae, puellā, puellae, puellae, puellae, puellās, puellarum, puellis, puellis, puellis”. Also Caesar could feed us with his salad.
4. Adolf Hitler, yes you heard me right…Hitler. I would like to ask him where he got the balls to do what he did and maybe if there was time, I’d ask him to paint me a picture. The main reason why I sat him in seat #4 is because that is in the corner and at the end of the dinner the rest of the guest and myself could gang up and stop a mudhole in him.
5. Sarah Silverman, I find her hilarious and Jewish. She would be seated next to Hitler because I think he’d find her hot even though she is verboten. I think he’d also like her jokes about Jews.
6. Bettie Page, there’s something about her that just makes me giddy. I also have fond memories of her because my grandfather had pin-ups of her in his leather repair shop. Yes, my grandfather had photos of a woman clad in leather exhibiting forms of S&M in his leather shop. We get freaky because of all the snow.
7. You, I’d sit you in the best seat in the house, my right hand side because that is the seat of honor and I have bad hearing so I could lean over and you would have my good ear.
Rob_of_the_Sky, I know you’re standing outside the door making faces at us. Get to the principal’s office immediately! I was so pleased that I’m giving each of you an A. I didn’t give you an A+ because I don’t want any of you slacking and there’s always room for improvement.
Comments (26)
Rob_of_the_Sky
First!
Why you should put a pencil in your nose
By: Rob of the Sky
Since the dawn of time, man has had to deal with itchy noses. The cave men used to stick a stick up their nose to relieve itching, but it would go in too deep and would hit their brains, causing permanent brain damage. Later humans used their fingers to scratch the inside of their noses, but fingers don’t go in deep enough. So man invented the pencil to not only write, but to scratch their noses too. It turned out to be perfect, as it would go in deep enough to relieve itching without causing brain damage. That is the reason why you should put a pencil in your nose. Is that 500 words? It isn’t? 500 is a lot of words. Hmmm, I need to pad this out a bit more. Ah ha, I’ll insert some Rick Astley lyrics and teacher will never know the difference. Ooh ooh
We’re no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
We’ve known each other for so long
Your heart’s been aching but
You’re too shy to say it
Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it
And if you ask me how I’m feeling
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/rick-astley-lyrics/never-gonna-give-you-up-lyrics.html }
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
(Ooh, give you up)
(Ooh, give you up)
(Ooh)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
(Ooh)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
We’ve know each other for so long
Your heart’s been aching but
You’re too shy to say it
Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it
I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
In conclusion, drugs and alcohol are bad and you should never use either. The end.
I forgot about Sarah Silverman! I wish I could rec this!
@Rob_of_the_Sky - lol
all I can think of now: “…and the doctor said I wouldn’t get so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there!” You can’t make me laugh so hard at night, I’ll wake up the entire house.
and thank you for having me to dinner though I can’t promise I won’t fling vegetables at Hitler with my spoon.
@Automaton_Emotion - Wow, I feel honored that people are saying “First” on my posts.
@Rob_of_the_Sky - Thank you, I hope you learned your lesson
@hesacontradiction - I could never forget Sarah Silverman and her foul mouth. Oh I could never forget.
@carolinavenger - How about this to make you not laugh any more…I was going to invite Coach K.
@godfatherofgreenbay - that’s fine. He just wouldn’t be leaving the table in one piece is all.
I’m afraid I have to say this, but you seem such a good teacher!
Can I be seated on Caesar’s lap? I would like to feed him grapes while he whispers sweet Latin nothings in my ear. KThx.
@godfatherofgreenbay - I have learned my lesson. I’m never gonna listen to the rap music again because it gives me the brain damage, with the hippin and the hoppin and the bippin and the boppin.
Wow, i’m surprised Jesus isn’t on your list. He’s the only one i’m for sure about….i’d also throw Hitler in there too.
yeah, i guess i was one of those hormone people, sorry =P
@windoftheforest - oh thank you so much…when are you going to apply to my all new academy?
@Writing_the_Tides - I am sure that can be arranged as long he’s able to serve his salad and show his diagrams on why all Gaul is divided into three parts. Notice I took the high road and avoided any tossed salad jokes
@ShamrockLover - I always go back and forth with adding Christ to a list like this. I guess I don’t because I figure he has better things to do than to hang with me and my cadre of fanatics.
@Peridot21 - well I’m surprised you didn’t throw in the Mayhem guy because you seemed to talk about him before.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Lot of character and definiton in your feed back. You’ve style and class. I love it!
@jiazy1 - thanks, I’m glad you like it.
These are some interesting choices for dinner guests and poor Rob of the Sky. =(
@Hinase - Thanks, as for Rob of the Sky, that’s what happens when you stick pencils in your nose
Tom Waites is a good choice, but I can’t always understand what he is saying.
I would like to hear a conversation between him and Hitler.
For some reason, the interaction between those two sounds the most interesting.
@FoliageDecay - Yeah and after seeing The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus where Tom Waits played the Devil, it makes the conversation those two would have all the more interesting.