March 26, 2011

• Celebrity Round-Up 3/25/11

  Well I’m going to try this.  Some people are self-aware of their weight or hygiene but I am self-conscious of my spelling so please bare with me.  No, I meant “bare”.  It’s getting warm in here so I’m taking off my shirt.  You do the same.  Some images may be not safe for work or life

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Will Smith was in an airport in Dublin, Ireland this week and he was ready to board the plane with his daughter who is touring with Justin Bieber.  Will got on the plane only to find out that he was booked in coach with all the mouth breathers.  He took Willow and booked a charter jet to fly them to Manchester, England.  It was a 50 minute ride and cost $15,000.  Weird…that sounds like something Paris Hilton charges.
  
  Here is Tiger Woods and his new girlfriend Alyse Lahti.  The photo of Alyse is a mugshot from a DUI arrest when she rear-ended a truck in Orlando last year.  What?  I thought Tiger was the one who did the rear-ending.  Wait, Tiger Woods jokes went out of vogue in 2010.  Sorry, sorry everybody.  The thing that makes this weird is that Tiger knew her when she was a child because her father is one of the agents that represents Tiger.  Couldn’t you just imagine the foreplay…”Alyse, draw me a stick-figure drawing with crayolas of what you want to do to me.”  Maybe she’s just getting Tiger to date her so he can get her a sponsorship for some Proactiv.
  
  I’m going to be honest.  When I first saw this photo I got sort of excited because I thought it was a hot lesbian make-out session.  Turns out it was Steven Tyler kissing his daughter Liv.  We all have issues we’re working on.
  
  Sammy Hagar released a new autobiography this week and it talks about all your standard Van Halen stuff like the sex tents under the stage and all the drug use.  What isn’t covered is about how Sammy claims he was abducted by aliens however when asked by MTV about the aliens Sammy was free-flowing with information.  Here’s what he said when asked about being abducted: “That’s right. It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, “Fuck, they downloaded something into me!” Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. “See what this guy knows.”  That happened. That friggin’ happened, I’ll tell you right now. Another thing happened when I was about four that I didn’t put into the book. One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and shit. And I don’t know what happened after that.  I couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t understand the technology. But now I’m pretty sure it was a wireless situation. Either a download or upload. They were tapped into my brain and the knowledge was transferred back and forth. I could see them and everything while it was happening. There was a visual involved, almost like … I don’t know.”  I once drank some of his tequila and it felt like I was going to give birth to an alien.  See, his brain is fried and it happened because he just couldn’t drive 55.
  
  Meet Rebecca Black, internet sensation.  She’s 13 years old and with the notoriety of her song “Friday” she may be a millionaire.  iTunes usually gives 70cents per download and her song has been nearly downloaded 2 million times.  Then lets not forget about her Youtube video that has almost 40 million views and that generates money.  This little kid is rich.  I can’t believe she has that much money from a song about one day.  The “Happy Days” theme song covers all the days of the week and doesn’t have 2 million downloads.  I think she should give all the money to help rebuild Japan.
  
  I need someone to find out the identity of Rebecca’s back-up dancers because they are really setting back the white race thousands of years.  Not all of us are that bad at dancing.
  
  Quentin Tarantino is suing his neighbor because the neighbor’s birds are too loud and won’t be quiet.  Tarantino is suing Alan Ball, writer of the movie “American Beauty” and creator of “Six Feet Under” and “True Blood”.  Alan placed an outdoor aviary in his backyard and Quentin complains that the birds let out screams all day long.  This is why I don’t live next to rich people.  They have weird things like birds or kids.  I enjoy living next to the projects where I only worry about the people rioting if their social security checks are late and people sifting through my garbage looking for aluminum cans.  How much do you want to bet there are birds that get killed in gory fashion in Tarantino’s next movie? 
  
  Here we see Olivia Munn and a dog at some sort event for the Humane Society.  I’d like to walk her dog every morning if you know what I mean.  I’d even bag it’s dropping if you know what I mean.  I am so awkward.  No wonder I’m single.
  
  Nicki Minaj is rumored to be on the list of potential judges for Simon Cowell’s new show X-Factor.  Mariah Carey was rumored to be on this list but people associated with the show say she’s not stable enough to be a judge.  So they are not going to use Mariah Carey but they are going to use a woman who looks like Krusty the Klown if he drank water from the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant’s cooling pond.  Oh well, I’ll sign off on her being judge under two stipulations: 1.  She brings her non-Jewish friend there and 2. she wears her Evel Knievel jumpsuit.
  
  If you are from California and hate that your state is in debt, don’t blame Barack Obama, blame Lindsay Lohan.  With all the trials, postponements, arraignments, judge fees, lawyer fees, 3 stints in jail (84 minutes, 2 weeks, and 1 day), probation officers, drug testing, SCRAM bracelets ($100 to install and $18 a day to monitor), and extra security, a tax attorney figures Lindsay has singlehandedly cost the state of California several million dollars and with her planning on going to trial it is going to go one for a long time.  Her attorney fees could cost the state over $10,000 if the trial is under 100 hours.  While she is costing a lot of money just think of all the people she’s keeping employed.  She’s kept at least 50% of California’s state workers out of the unemployment line.  She is all about creating and maintaining jobs.  Too bad she’s not old enough because Sarah Palin ought to choose her for a running mate in 2012.
  
  In other news, Lindsay is trying to change her name to be just Lindsay.  I can see why she’s doing that.  She wants to fool the people with the arrest warrants.  When they come looking for Lindsay Lohan she’ll say she’s not her because she’s just Lindsay.  Damn…that may work.  She’s also in violation of her probation because she’s been drinking a type of tea that contains 5% alcohol.  LOCK HER UP FOR LIFE!  Her next drink should be the San Quentin vintage that tastes of apples, oak, orange peels, and sweat socks.
  
  Joseph Gordon Levitt is now officially attached to the next Batman movie.  He’ll be playing Alberto Falcone, who is a character in Christopher Nolan’s favorite Batman storyline.  This could be good but then I remember Anne Hathaway is going to play Catwoman…meh…I don’t know how to feel about this movie.
  
  Jamie Pressly has told friends that she’s worried her DUI arrest will hurt her image and she won’t be able to get any work.  Well Jamie it’s not the DUI arrest but the fact that you’re 35 in Hollywood which won’t get you work.  The only thing that could be bigger kryptonite to a career in Hollywood is to admit being a Republican or getting caught jerking off in a porn theater.
  
  What kind of person would turn down the wish of a kid dying from cancer?  A Food Network celebrity, that’s who.  Ina Garten, known as the Barefoot Contessa, said she was too busy to have a meal with this child.  The child loved watching her show with his mother.  The family said they’d love to meet her and have a meal with her when he schedule cleared up and that was a year ago.  Make a Wish Foundation approached her again and she said she was still busy.  The boy’s back-up plan was to go swimming with dolphins.  The bad news is that Ina found out and she finally decided to cook a meal for him.  It will be roasted dolphin basted in the tears of a child with leukemia.  More like the No-Soul Cuntessa.
  
  Hugh Hefner’s fiance is cheating on him with Dr. Phil’s son despite their June 18th wedding date.  So she’s cheating on an 85 year old man with a boy who has more daddy issues than a pregnant teenage stripper.  I feel bad for Hef because if you can’t trust a woman who sells her soul and takes off her clothes for money who can you trust?
  
  Hayden Panettiere recently had an intruder break into her house.  She heard the intruder so she grabbed her Taser and cellphone and announced she had a Taser and then she ran to the bathroom and hid behind her toilet while she called police.  Why would she need a Taser?  She should just force the intruder to watch the last season of Heroes. 
  
  Elizabeth Taylor passed away this week at the age of 79.  She died of congestive heart failure.  She was surrounded by her 4 children.  She will be remembered for her movies, HIV/AIDS fund-raising, perfume, and helping Joel McHale maintain a job.  I hope she finds peace.  She was also pretty witty and I found a few quotes that made me laugh.  “I don’t think President Bush is doing anything at all about AIDS. In fact, I’m not sure he even knows how to spell AIDS.”  “If someone’s dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a picture, I’m certainly not dumb enough to turn it down.” (She was the first female to earn $1million per movie.)  “The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.”  The oddest thing about all this is that her obituary that appeared in the NY Times was written a long time ago and the guy who wrote it died in 2005.  And like the true diva she was, Elizabeth Taylor was late to her own funeral.  Yes, she had it stipulated that she arrive in her coffin 15 minutes late.  I guess a true queen always keeps her subjects waiting.  Oh and that coffin was $11,000.  I don’t know about you but I hope she has a comfy ride wherever she’s going.
  
  This is Corey Harrington better known as Big Hoss on History Channel’s Pawn Stars.  He was in California this week and arrested for a brawl at a bar.  Stories are sketchy about what was happened but Big Hoss was very drunk.  I wonder if someone asked for Battletoads or if he didn’t like the prices
  
  That piece of paper that said Chris Brown passed domestic violence classes must feel pretty stupid about now.  He was on Good Morning America this week and host Robin Roberts brought up his assault of Rihanna.  Chris strayed from her questions however afterward TMZ found out that Chris Brown approved the questions Roberts asked him.  After the interview, Chris went back to his dressing room and started screaming and throwing things.  He smashed the window of his dressing room sending glass to the street below.  People inside the studio freaked out and called the police.  He then ripped off his shirt and stormed out.  The photo on the left is of him leaving and the photo on the right is the aftermath of his tantrum.  Even though shit like this is a violation of his probation, ABC won’t press charges.  Has anyone ever checked to see if this guy is on steroids because that’s some sketchy behavior.  Despite agreeing to her questions, Chris Brown says that he was asked about Rihanna unexpectably and trashing his dressing room was just his way of blowing off some steam.  You know, when I get anger and smash up dressing rooms, I’m usually hauled to jail.  Maybe he should take up a hobby to blow off that steam and that hobby shouldn’t be like his other hobby…beating women.  OK so maybe he wasn’t upset about Rihanna questions.  Maybe he was upset because his bracket was busted.  My NCAA tournament brackets were pretty much busted last night and I think there were tears rolling down my eye.  I didn’t trash any dressing rooms.  Seriously, who would have thought Virginia Commonwealth would make it this far?  In other news, Chris Brown’s publicist quit and went to work for someone more stable, Mummar Gaddahfi.  Is it me or does this guy look like some sort of weird spawn between Dennis Rodman, Steve Urkel and Susan Powter?  I know a lot of people are going to hate me for this.  I’ve received hate mail because I’ve expressed my views on this douchebag before.  I can’t stand violence against women and I cannot tolerate his behavior.  It’s habitual and no sheet of paper is going to prove that he’s cured.  He’s a violent person who rhymes words.  He hasn’t changed and this is evidence. 
  
  TMZ got a hold of a contract that Britney Spears’ back-up dancers had to sign in order to work with her.  The contract said that dancers are forbidden from exposing Britney to any alcohol or drugs.  OK this confuses me.  How are they supposed to put up with Britney and her music without drugs or alcohol?  Making someone listen to her music without a controlled substance is how they tortured prisoners at Abu Ghraib.
  
  This is Kacey Jordan, one of Charlie Sheen’s former goddesses.  This week she was placed in a psych unit for a suicide watch after she attempted suicide.  She claims she just cut herself and didn’t try to commit suicide and she’s not crazy.  Crazy?  I don’t remember saying anything about being crazy.  I guess it’s perfectly sane to post suicidal messages on Twitter, cut yourself with a corkscrew, attack police, date Charlie Sheen, and specialize in DP for a career.  Perfectly sane.
  
  How about this for a twist?  CBS president Les Moonves wants Charlie Sheen to come back to Two and a Half Men.   So his options are to bring Charlie back or lose the most popular show on TV and face a $100million lawsuit.  Hmmmm which would you choose?  Sources say he sent out a memo to everyone involved saying they need to get over what Charlie did and said so they can get the show back on the air.  I think Charlie Sheen becoming a member of Westboro Baptist is a greater possibility than Chuck Lorre wanting to work with him again and because Charlie Sheen is a volcano of self-entitlement (see I’m drinking the Tiger Blood) he’ll probably erupt when he sees Les Moonves and Chuck Lorre on their knees begging him to come back and then we will see Sheen go nuts.

  Video Section
  Speaking of Charlie Sheen, he made a guest appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.  Do you realize that is probably the most of Jimmy Kimmel I’ve watched in two years?
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 12:30 PM
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