April 7, 2011

• ABCs and Trouble

  by god it works, if you have the cursor thing in the title box and press enter it posts...I've been here for a few years, like 5 or 6 and just figured that out.

  I was going to do something thoughtful tonight but my mom and aunt called me and asked if I wanted to go to Walmart.  I couldn't pass that up although it was disappointing because I kept seeing these beautiful women and I was like "hey, how's it going?" and then I checked them out as the passed and they didn't have butts.  I think some od'ed on lmaoing.  Then my mom bought me some Burger King.  I haven't eaten in that dump since Christmas time.  I was sad to see that they no longer have the Buck Double.  Then my aunt treated us to Culver's.  mmmm Culver's.  As we were driving through the burg on the 4 lane mainstreet that runs the entire length of town, we were at a red light and heard honking.  My aunt thought these people were honking at her but the light was red.  It turned out it was these teenagers in a blue Neon that cut off a teenager in a gold Regal and gold Regal laid on the horn.  The light turned green and we started off and blue Neon kept pace with us and then sped up.  Gold Regal sped up and tried to go into the opposite lane but blue Neon blocked it from changing lanes.  Blue Neon went down the main street blocking gold Regal's attempts at switching lanes.  I was for sure I would see an accident but then a police car showed up and blue Neon let gold Regal pass.  It was the craziest thing I've ever seen since I saw Amish going through my town at 3AM or cows in my backyard.

  Since everyone is doing it, I'll jump off the bridge too.

  A. Age: well you're going to have to guess that but I'll give you a hint, I've seen 5 presidents in my lifetime and two popes.  I tell people I'm 23 or 25.

  B. Bed size:  king or my whole house.  Sometimes when my back acts up I like to sleep on my floor. 

  C. Chore you hate: washing dishes, there's just something so demeaning to it if I cook. You never see any tv chefs cleaning up after themselves

  D. Dogs: I have two cats but I've had dogs in the past.  I had a Rottweiler in high school but it was probably stolen by a certain ethnic group living in that area who believe black dogs were demons

  E. Essential start to your day: shaving, I can't leave the house without a clean shave

  F. Favorite color: navy

  G. Gold or silver: I'm not into jewelery mostly because my skin is so weird.  I break out from a lot of things but the only thing that doesn't cause me to have a reaction is sterling silver so I guess silver.

  H. Height: 6'2"...I was 6'4" at my tallest but lost two inches after a car accident

  I. Instruments: I've played piano since 5th grade, play a little guitar, tried teaching myself harmonica but found out it's nearly impossible with asthma, and skin flute.  I was also in choir so I guess my voice is an instrument
  

  J. Job title: education, lackey, aspiring alderman, heckler

  K. Kids: if a lady came a long and presented an interesting case filled with Venn diagrams then I'm game but until then, no

  L. Live: yes, I am.  I am live-blogging.  My name is a misnomer.  I'm not in Green Bay, just a Packers fan.  If you want to know where I live, you'll have to take me to one of the indoor waterparks in my town.

  M. Mom’s name: Mother Dear

  N. Nicknames: Wurm, Tiny, Tank, You, Big Balls (high school kids can be so mean)

  O. Overnight hospital stays: every year from birth to 5th grade I was in the hospital with croup and had to be in a tent.  I've also been in the hospital for pneumonia a couple times in the past few years

  P. Pet peeve: when people don't flush, how gross is that?  I don't want to see your shit.

  Q. Quote from a movie: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

  R. Right or left handed: Ambidextrous...I loved thrilling people by writing math problems on the white board with both hands.

  S. Siblings: my brothers and sisters say I'm an only child

  T. Time you wake up: usually 6AM to 7AM but I don't go in tomorrow and I don't plan on sleeping

  U. Underwear: whitey tighties...remember the nickname, yeah, I don't like feeling free because that leads to awkwardness and split pants and mucho pain

  V. Vegetables you dislike: broccoli

  W. What makes you run late: the news, I yell and cuss at it because the local news in the morning is the worst, they talk about who ate lunch at whose house on Sunday

  X. X-Rays you’ve had: I think I've had most everything x-rayed

  Y. Yummy food you make: remember when I did cooking posts?  I did.

  Z. Zoo- favorite animal: I always liked the monkeys because too often my behavior was similar.  I also enjoy watching snakes

  Trouble I've gotten into:
  I was in a group called Boy Pioneers (the girls had Girl Pioneers...how original).  It was my church's answer to Boy Scouts because my church has issues with the Boy Scouts stance on "God".  Anyway we went caroling one Saturday before Christmas and then we were having fun in the church basement afterward.  An idiot sat next to me and by idiot I mean this kid was dumb.  A year earlier we were playing baseball on the playground and he tried to steal home.  He was way to early on his steal attempt and got to the plate just as the batter was swinging.  He got hit in the forehead with an aluminum bat and it knocked him unconscious and gave him this gash.  Blood was everywhere and we dragged his lifeless body to the school. The principal came and then the ambulance showed up.  He was never "right" in the head after that.  Anyway he sat next to me and was being dumb so I looked at him and unscrewed the top of a salt shaker and dumped the salt in his hot chocolate.  The leader of the Girl Pioneers wagged her finger at me and called me a heathen.

  One summer when I was given free reign of the neighborhood (summer after 4th grade) I had some friends at my house and we procured one of my father's adult magazines.  Then after flipping through all the pages, we decided to go outside and play catch (no euphemisms).  One of my friends said he had a stomach ache and needed to use the bathroom.  He went in and came out a few minutes later and said he needed to go home.  About a day later my dad calls me and is screaming at me.  I was terrified so I went to his store.  He told me that my friend and his mom came in and presented him with one of his adult magazines and said that I gave it to him.  I tried to explain what happened but no one believed me and I lost my home alone privileges and had to stay at my grandmother's the rest of the summer.

  In grade school there was this nerd, even bigger than me.  We picked on him.  It wasn't bullying.  It wasn't like we tried to destroy this kid.  He sort of deserved it because he always invited himself to our gettogethers like my one birthday party where he was the first person to fall asleep so somehow whipped cream found its way to his hair and this was a Friday night and there was still whipped cream in his hair on Monday morning.  There were others in the school that hated him like the kid with buckteeth.  My 8th grade year there was a play for all the school and I didn't have a part and neither did the kid with buckteeth or the nerd.  There were a couple of others but that's not relevant to this story and neither is the play and neither is the kid with buckteeth but it's funny.  I was working on a project on the class computer (playing Monkey Island) and nerd was working on an art project in the back next to me.  He was actually watching me play Monkey Island but he was trying to pretend he wasn't.  He finally got caught up in the art project and wasn't aware of his surroundings.  Kid with buckteeth walked into the room and held his finger to his mouth to tell me to be quiet.  He pulled a cane that was used as a prop in the play and tiptoed up to nerd.  Buckteeth lifted the cane like a baseball bat and swung with all his might right across nerd's ass.  Buckteeth ran out of the room yelling, "Caning!  Caning!  Caning!"  This was at the time when the American college student was going to be caned in Singapore for something like spray painting a car.  Nerd got mad. "If that Bucktoothed bastard does that again I'm going to explode." "OK!  I want to see a fight between you two."  They were the weakest kids in class.  They couldn't bench press the bar.  Even the gay kid could bench 100lbs.  A few minutes pass and here comes Buckteeth with a cane and he motions for me to be quiet.  Nerd has take a strange pose while leaning on the back book cases in the room.  He's leaning with his back parallel to the ground and elbows on the case so his ass is sticking way out and he has his legs spread like he wants a cop to frisk him.  Well Buckteeth sees a new option to inflict pain.  He takes the cane by the end and hold out the hook.  He quietly puts the hook in front of Nerd's package and then he yanks with all his might.  Buckteeth is laughing and starts crying because he's laughing so hard.  Nerd is screaming in pain and I am playing Monkey Island.  Nerd starts to Hulk-Up ala Hulk Hogan.  He has a black magic marker in his hand.  He then runs at Buckteeth and starts throwing bionic elbows like the American Dream Dusty Rhodes.  Elbow...elbow...elbow...elbow...he must have thrown 3 dozen elbows to Buckteeth's body.  He elbowed him the entire length of the classroom and then Buckteeth slips and falls into the blackboard and knocks over the Excited Southerner's (teacher) magic eye painting of the Nebraska Cornhuskers logo.  Buckteeth yells, "Timeout!  Timeout!  Timeout!"  Nerd has turned a bright shade of purple and is huffing and puffing as he agrees to the timeout.  Nerd starts to walk away.  Buckteeth picks up the magic eye frame and places it on the Excited Southerner's desk.  Buckteeth runs up behind Nerd and says, "Time-in!"  Then he punches Nerd in the head and nerd falls down and breaks a kid's desk and lands marker first on another kid's desk and the marker case was crushed so the thing inside that contained all the magic got over everything.  I finally had enough and run to the front of the room and stand between them and say, "If you want to fight, fight me."  They both backed off and Buckteeth looked at his fined denim jacket which was covered in marker and said "Nerd, you owe me a jacket."  Nerd yelled "Fuck you, you bucktoothed bastard."  It was pretty accurate because Buckteeth didn't know his father and he did have buckteeth."  Nerd went to the bathroom to cool down and then the classmates who also witnessed the fight came into the room.  They started throwing fake elbows.  It was the greatest fight in grade school history.  Then the kid whose desk was broken got pissed and was sitting there all mad and then this girl whose desk had the magic part of the marker all over it was staring in disbelief.  Then the Excited Southerner entered the room and said, "Oh...my...gaw-osh!  What happened?"  I told him and he asked why I didn't stop it.  I told him I stopped it before it got worse.  Buckteeth and Nerd had to settle their differences in the principal's office while I told everyone how it went down.  Well that doesn't play any factor into why I got in trouble but I thought you might enjoy the story.  Well we had recess once in 8th grade and we were playing some game where we tried to take off people's shoes.  I think that made them "it".  Well Nerd wanted to play so I told him to run.  He ran on top of this jungle gym.  Well I ran underneath and grabbed his shoe and pulled it off and threw it.  Nerd ran and got his shoe.  He then went on top of the jungle gym again so I snuck underneath and popped out and grabbed his shoe, pulled it off, and threw it.  He ran and got it and put it back on.  Then he announced loudly, "I tied my shoes extra tight so you won't pull them off.  I bet you can't!"  So guess what Nerd did?  He went on top of the jungle gym.  I snuck underneath and he knew I was down there so he dangled his foot down.  I grabbed the shoe but I couldn't get it off.  Nerd hung onto the jungle gym as I pulled.  I pulled too hard and there was Nerd being stretched.  He yelled at me to let go so I did and Nerd fell about 6 feet.  He got up crying and went and told the Excited Southerner.  He grabbed me by the shoulder and asked, "What the hell are you doing to Nerd?"  "Mr. Excited Southerner, Nerd told me to let go so I did."  "Well, by god, you're gonna do some writing."  He made me write this sentence 100 times: I will not pull Nerd off of the jungle gym because this isn't Christian behavior.  After I wrote it 100 times I asked, "Shouldn't it be 'I will not pull Nerd from the jungle gym because this isn't Christian behavior'?"  Excited Southerner threw my paper in my face and told me to write it 200 more times.

  Nerd went to my high school and this was an accident but I got in trouble.  He tried to raise a pine tree in his room and he kept it on his bed.  I was in there after evening study hall (7PM to 9:30PM) to talk to Nerd's roommate, Wiz.  Wiz will attest to this all these years later.  I lost my balance...honest to god...I lost my balance and I fell on Nerd's bed and knocked over his pine tree which happened to be growing in a glass filled with water.  His bed was soaked and I tried to clean it up but the 5 minute before lights-out bell rang so I ran to my room and locked the door.  Well dorm supervisor Skoal from the second floor came to make sure lights were out and we were in bed came through.  The worst part was Nerd and Wiz's room was right next to mine so I heard it all.  Nerd was out of bed and Supervisor Skoal asked why he was out of bed.  Nerd said that his bed was wet and he blamed me for knocking over his tree because Wiz told him I fell.  Wiz started laughing when Nerd started crying.  Skoal came to my room and was like "Tank...oh wait you know my name is Matt...Matt, why did you get Nerd's bed wet?"  I then heard laughter coming from other rooms in the dorm.  "What are you going to do about this, Matt?" "Well I don't know.  Give him some dry sheets?"  Skoal then said, "How about you give him yours?"  "Well what am I going to sleep on and with?"  "I don't know and I don't care.  Now get up and give him your sheets and blanket."  I did because he was God's called authority.  Well I snuck out of my room at about 2AM because I couldn't sleep and was freezing because it was January in Wisconsin and the heaters didn't work in the dorm.  I called my parents and explained what happened.  They told me to nut-up.
  I know it's not Caturday but I took these videos today because I had cats crawling all over my desk
  
  
  Sorry this was another bad post.

  • 2:25 PM
  • 38 Comments