April 16, 2011

• Celebrity Round-Up 4/15/11

  So today was quite an interesting day on Xanga.  This afternoon I was replying to comments on my blog entries and all of a sudden it said the pages didn't exist.  They had to exist because I was just replying to comments on that specific entry.  Well I guess it was about the same time that I noticed the newer themes on Xanga feature this new box for recommending comments.  That John guy said something was wrong with my look and feel of the blog so I changed my theme, the first time since I started Xanga.  I feel so weird with this new one.  Maybe I'll work on something new over the next few days if my computer will let me.  It looks as if Xanga has caught up with Facebook for a little while.  Oh and I watched a couple of movies I got at the library tonight...Little Fockers and My Name is Khan.  Oddly enough both of those movies made me cry.  On to the round-up

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Prince Von Anhalt or as my friends at Twenty Mile Zone call him, Prince Von A-Hole, says that 94 year old Zsa Zsa Gabor wants to be a mother.  DEAR LORD THIS HAS TO BE A PUBLICITY STUNT!  Actually they are thinking of egg donation, artificial insemination, and a surrogate mother.  Seems sort of pointless for all that work.  Do you think she'd make it to the child's first birthday?
  
  Zach Galifinakis appeared in GQ.  Way to keep it classy!  I wish I could have worked with this guy but oh well that's how life works.  I guess I'll have to settle for being Facebook bffs.
  
  In a recent interview Vanessa Hudgens said the worst invention in the world was the internet because she claims it's ruining everyone and everything.  She's probably upset about all those nude pics that have been leaked but she shouldn't bite the hand that feeds because those leaked nude pics have kept her relevant since the internet also seems to show what terrible actresses people are.  99% of her reputation on the internet is nude pics and bad acting.  Which would you rather have on your resume?
  
  Oh man, Suri Cruise already has a paparazzi face or maybe she's just constipated from all the Scientology approved food that Tom forces her to eat.  Tom probably stole those gummi penises for his own pleasure.
  
  Ladies and gentlemen, may I present a millionaire.  That's right, Snooki is a soon to be a millionaire as are the rest of the cast of Jersey Shore.  They got a raise.  Normally they would make $10,000 per episode of Jersey Shore but now they will be making $100,000.  This is the future of our great nation.  Each season is typically 13 episodes and also realize this is just the money they make per filmed episode and not what they make in worldwide distribution or from guest appearances or from endorsements...so are you vomiting yet?  Maybe we should pay them what they're worth, nothing, and take all that money and put it into the medical industry to combat all the STDs that have been spread because of that show.  You know the German philosopher Nietzche may have been on to something when he said "God is dead".
  
  Sam Ronson took this photo after she was biking and fell off her bike.  At first I thought she may have "fell" into a fist belonging to her on again/off again girlfriend Lindsay Lohan but if she fell into her fist she'd be smiling.
  
  So Russell Brand's movie "Arthur" tanked at the box office.  So why is he smiling?  He gets to go home and bang Katy Perry.
  
  Nicole Ritchie is working on bringing her very own daytime TV talkshow to your television this fall and she's getting big support from an unlikely person, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who claims that Nicole has the right stuff to be the next Oprah.  OK this is just what we need, a spoiled, rich, drug addict giving life advice.  Yeah, I think most women can relate to that.  The only group she should be standing and speaking in front of is AA.
  
  Awww....Mariah Carey is so happy and so damn sexy.  I'm just surprised she isn't spitting out breast milk because I think Nick Cannon is squeezing a little too hard on her udders.
  
  Lady Gaga recently conducted an interview about her outlandish costumes.  When asked if she used prosthetics she said this: "Well, first of all, they're not prosthetics. They're my bones. They've always been inside of me, but I have been waiting for the right time to reveal to the universe who I truly am. They come out when I'm inspired. We all have these bones! They're the light from inside of us." And when asked if she's ever had plastic surgery: "I have never had plastic surgery, and there are many pop singers who have. I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification. And how many models and actresses do you see on magazine covers who have brand-new faces and have had plastic surgery, while I myself have never had any plastic surgery? I am an artist, and I have the ability and the free will to choose the way the world will envision me."  I think the interviewer had to have downed a bottle of Valium to put up with that nonsense.  The more I think of it, the more I'm convinced that Lady Gaga is a performance piece and one of these days Sasha Baron Cohen will rip-off the mask and give us the act that has topped Borat and Bruno.
  
  During a recent game, Kobe Bryant had a technical foul called against him and while he was sitting on the bench he called the referee a "fucking faggot".  The league fined Bryant $100,000 for the comments.  I figure the fine was so high and Kobe isn't appealing because they don't want this overshadowing the playoffs.  Of course Perez Hilton weighed in and no one took him seriously because he uses that term quite regularly.  Why does Kobe need to apologize to Perez and GLAAD?  He didn't direct the comment at them.  $100K isn't that much to Kobe; he earns that much money every time he takes a piss.  And in honor of my first ever comment to be recommended: A black guy, a rapist, and a homophobe walked into a bar and everyone ran up to Kobe Bryant and asked for his autograph.
  
  Oh Kim Kardashian...that can't be real, can it?  She needs to be listed as a modern wonder of the world.
  
  Karina Smirnoff of Dancing with the Stars posed nude for Playboy.  Why do I want to see this spread?  Hef has said the photos are unforgettable which is quite a big deal since he's 85 and forgets things easily.  I look at those eyebrows and wonder if she's invested in Sharpies.
  
  Ashley Tisdale posed for Allure magazine and taught Vanessa Hudgens how to pose nude.  You do it through some high class magazine and not a timed shot on a digital camera.  So what do you call that style of pose?  "Farting on toes"?  Kaley Cuoco also posed in Allure.  She's in that show about the nerds.  I don't know if she's been featured on the round up but then she hasn't posed naked or been in a sextape.  See, my standards are high.
  
  Justin Bieber is going to get us all killed.  If things in the Middle East aren't bad enough, Bieber cause a political spat in Israel this week when he refused to visit Israeli children who were wounded in a Palestinian rocket attack.  For doing this Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu canceled a meeting with Bieber.  I don't like to make sweeping generalizations but that would be a lie so if the U.S. left the Middle East for good and let the place explode, I'd be OK with that.  You know Islam is a religion of peace and that is quite evident when you disagree with them or draw photos of their leader or take away their burqas or pouring acid on women for honor but then the same can be said of Christianity.  Sweeping generalizations are fun!  If Bieber wanted to do a concert in front of a bunch of childish Jews he should just do a show at the Federal Reserve.  I really don't know what's wrong with Bieber.  First he makes all those comments about God willing rape and now this.  He should take the Michael Jackson approach to children and never turn them down.  Speaking of Michael Jackson...
  
  Justin Bieber was sent this tweet by NAMBLA...OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
  
  Jennifer Lopez was named the world's most beautiful woman.  I demand a recount.  Did the world start spinning backwards and suddenly 1998 broke out?  I think there'd be a long list of others.
  
  OK, Hayden Panettiere has been dating Vladimir Klitschko for quite some time and of course you think they probably have sex but this is where it gets awkward.  HOW DO THEY DO IT?  He's like 6'8" and she's barely 5 feet tall.  She said that fans asks her if they have sex and she says they find a way to make it work.  How weird would that be to see a person whose work you enjoy and the first thing you ask is "How do you have sex with your boyfriend?"  They probably are quite elaborate about it.  Vladimir lies on his back and then Hayden is lowered by a trapeze and leprechauns jump on trampolines on either side of the bed while a choir of mermaids sings in the background.  Isn't that how everyone does it?  Of course they just have to be careful not to rearrange her internal organs.
  
  Haley Joel Osmet turned 23 this week.  Remember when he was the next big star?  Of course his career was ruined by drugs.  He smoked way too much weed.  Sadly, those clowns probably are getting more work than he is.
  
  The cast of The Facts of Life reunited for some made up awards show for shows that never received awards when they aired.  I think that it was the TV Land Awards.  Anyway, you take the good, then you take the bad, then you take it all and you have a cast of old but still hot women...damn, look at Jo and Blair.
  
  Christina Hendricks took to the stage for a production of the play "Company".  Her bra won an award for best supporting actress.  WOW!  How are those things held in place?  Neil Patrick Harris also won the best actor award because he played a straight guy.  How could he not just reach over and motorboat her?
  
  YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES...I am now having dreams of Patrick Bateman being resurrected and taking an axe to the cast of Glee starting with Ryan Murphy but then I guess that makes me a homophobe.
  
  Bradley Cooper has been pegged to star in a remake of quite possibly my favorite movie, The Crow.  Hasn't Brandon Lee been through enough?  They say that The Crow series has been cursed so in that case maybe they should have Lady Gaga or Charlie Sheen serve as Cooper's stunt double.  Certain roles are defined by the person who plays them.  Brandon Lee will always be Eric Draven and they can remake this movie hundreds of times and Lee will always be the best.  If Bradley Cooper got shot and killed on the set of this remake it wouldn't be a loss because Hollywood could remake him easily...dirty blonde hair that gets whipped around and blue eyes and a smile that makes ladies faint...so how many actors did I just describe?
  
  This has to be the best photo of Bob Barker ever captured on film. 
  
  Last week I mentioned how there was a Miley Cyrus sex doll that was sold out within 48 hours.  Well this week the same company released one of Charlie Sheen and it sold out within 24 hours.  #notWinning? 
  
  Oh Charlie Sheen...you're still doing that tour, right?  Last Friday, Sheen performed in NYC.  He was 35 minutes late and his show barely lasted an hour.  He was given a standing ovation when he appeared on stage but people walked out confused.  Ticket prices started at $110 and if he performed for an hour that means people paid $1.83 per minute to hear Sheen ramble and shout his catchphrases.  One person said that he hopes Sheen goes back to Two and a Half Men because Charlie Harper seems more stable than Charlie Sheen.  He's now milking his fame to avoid the unemployment line.  If people question why they parted with their hard earned money to see him perform here's the answer: they're stupid.  During a radio interview this week, Sheen said that he was in negotiations with Warner Bros. to get back on Two and a Half Men.  He said he was 85% certain he'd be back.  Well someone from Warner Bros. heard the comment and had a lawyer respond: "Those statements are false. As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement with the series."  Since Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA don't exist in reality, Charlie Sheen is just a drug abusing liar whose using every situation he can to manipulate people to give him money.  The only way Charlie will see his name on Two and a Half Men is if he catches it in syndication.

  Video Section
  Ellen Page sure knows how to handle balls.  In related news, I love Ellen Page.  In related news, they used to call me "Eddie Torrez".
  
  I hope everyone has a swell weekend.  Did you notice the new layout?

  • 6:24 PM
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