May 19, 2011

  • May cause dry mouth, nausea, and psychotic disorders

    OK so here are some of my haikus.  Nothing exciting.  I included a lot of the ones I used as comments from my last collection.

    A pelican haiku                                      I apologize
    I would never have thunk it                    I'm a huge asshole right now
    I still fear the birds                                 How about a beer?

    How could I forget                               Charlie Sheen is god
    To write a haiku for you                        He will never go away
    I apologize.                                           Just like HIV

    That unique haiku                                Coprophagia
    written for Rob of the Sky                    I should give it up for Lent
    Rick Astley is god                                There's always next year

    Love your approval                            Buddha is quite smart
    the laughter makes me fuzzy                He came to my home last year
    loosening my tie                                  Really just my town

    I do what I want                                 I'm glad you enjoy
    Haikus are what you make them         These unreal, crazy haikus
    man man man man man                      Here's your very own

    Watching The Office                          I make the pizza
    inspired me to write more                  You should bring the alcohol
    win back Angela                                Hot wings for breakfast

    Baskets filled with cash                      Thank you very much
    or better yet cash baskets                  Did you notice these haikus
    What's up Big Tuna                           Comments are haikus

    Must get back clients                         Will do my dear sir
    Should I turn right or go straight          Are you working on any
    Car is in a lake                                   New stories about blues.

    Where are the turtles
    GIVE ME BACK THE TURTLES NOW!
    They just don't get it

    Let us hug it out                                 Speaking of bingo
    over a couple fine beers                     I should get to the casino
    I swear I am straight                          Shuffle up and deal

    Vampires in Nawlins?                         Winning is winning
    Such an eerie location                         This is another haiku
    Witch training camp near my house     You will now have two

    (OK I found it really weird that a few weeks before bin Laden was killed I wrote one about him.  I'm like some sort of freaking haiku Nostradamus)
    You want a haiku?                              Do you crave a beer?
    Find Osama bin Laden                        I have some varieties.
    Then you get haikus                            Schells and New Glarus

    Evil teenagers                                    I consume some wine
    The bane of society                           Wine made in Minnesota
    Shouldn't be vampires                       Morgan Creek Vienyards

    Thank you very much                         Should write about sex
    I appreciate your thoughts                  Can't remember what it is
    Thanks for stopping by                       Spam haikus suffice

    Comments are haikus                         Whiskey yum yum yum
    I love to write my haikus                    Whiskey in a girl who's dumb
    It's time for whiskey                           That makes me happy

    You watch TBS                               Keys you hang up there
    Wow, I watch that station too           Sometimes you can be useful
    According to Jim                              But not when I'm drunk.

    Episode today                                  Wooden plank holds books
    Launch Party part one of two            It also holds other things
    I hate two parters                              Its color is brown

    Can I start talking                              There you are full with cheap ink
    Is this thing on, give signal                  Grey and black, made of plastic
    Need real sushi                                  You printer of stuff

    Alfredo's Pizza                                   A painting of boats
    Hot flaming circle of trash                   Looks like a paint by numbers
    quote's hard in haiku                           Hotels fucking suck

    You've heard it here first                     Fan in room is on
    I hope you have a good night              Blowing cool air while playing
    Here's a hug and kiss                          Dungeons and Dragons.

    Picture of cancer;                               Colorful and small
    Article on how to stop                        Stills upon its pedestal
    It from killing you,                               Unfortunate hat

    Corner of my wall                               Both Calvin and Hobbes
    Nothing is anywhere near                    Getting high on my desktop
    Just chilling up there.                           I too can relate

    My name is The Hulk                         Small can of Nestea,
    You shouldn't make me angry             Artificially sweetened,
    I will rape your face.                           I want to drink it.

    Book about improving my brains,        Oh lamp over there
    Even the white tiger passes you by.      You illuminate my room
    A muffin skeleton.                               When the sun is down

    Puckered swollen flesh                        As I peer into
    I don't think that belongs there             The darkness beside my screen
    Crimson summer rain                           Eyes cannot adjust

    Oh magic 8 ball                                   Big Sanyo TV
    You predict nothing of use                   You were cheap but also a
    But I shake you still                             Bit blurry and lame

    Books over yonder                              Pillow on the floor
    Filleth mine mind with knowledge         You have a sock that's on you
    If i ever read...                                     I should pick it up

    Empty Poweraid                                  Haiku start with five
    Bottle sitting on my desk                      Then seven in the middle
    Why are you empty?                            And five at the end.

    Slowly killing me,                                 Crazy ass fan thing
    With Monotonous garbage,                  You have no blades inside you
    Damn television.                                   Are you a wizard

    Blue lava lamp,                                     Boobs inside lacy bra
    Why are you never turned on?              You tease me so 
    Hold on I'm coming.                             I will rape you with a stick

    Companion cube                                  Rice field in china
    How I loves you so much                     Poster i got for birthday
    Cake is a lie                                         Starts getting dusty

    Bowl of emptiness                                Neon green dishrag
    You once were full of food                   Why do you blind me so much?
    Barren and now dead                           Time for a lighter

    DSL Router,                                        Electric kettle
    How much internet you give,                 Turn it on for hot coffee
    Thank you for the porn.                        Sexual metaphors

    Goddamn wine bottle                            Guitars make music
    You've been on the window ledge         Sometimes they're decorations
    Since my last haiku                                I'm no guitarist

    My shoes are awesome                         Hi amplifier
    Step in dog shit on way home                Why do you make things louder?
    GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!               It is annoying

    Ugliest curtain                                       Five inch heels of death
    In a room of ugly things                         Sexy leather crossed spiked straps
    Fuck, is that an ant?                              I love hooker boots

    Oh, soft sweet kleenex                         Japanese haikus
    Without you I'd make a mess               Americans love this shit
    You poor cum dumpster                      You fucking weaboos

    Balls hanging too low                           Haikus are easy
    Careful you'll put an eye out                 First line; five syllables, then
    Give them room to swing                     Seven, five again

    Jerking lubricant                                  V For Vendetta
    Providing such sweet relief                   I never saw that movie
    During those hard times.                      The Mask is cool though

    Pictures that move so                           A warm sandy beach,
    Show me what I want to see                Palm trees on the horizon,
    You're my slave, TV                            Poster is wrinkled.

    Jabroni beatin'                                     Freddy Garcia
    Pie eatin', Trail blazin', Eye-                 Oh how I hate the Yankees
    Brow raisin', Great one                        Here we go Red Sox

    Such a great album                              A highlighter pen.
    It's Jethro Tull's "Aqualung"                  The color is navy blue.
    I have the vinyl                                     This haiku sucks dicks.

    Jack Daniels candle                              Picture of my ex
    Candle sitting in bottle                          Why can I not take you down
    I want Jack Daniels                              You are such a bitch

    Hello, dirty sock                                    IE shortcut icon,
    You are hung up there to dry                 Patiently waits on desktop,
    Till we meet again                                  It is never used.

    Monster energy.                                    The world is so small
    Keeping me awake all night.                  Shrunk down so minuscule why?
    It will kill me soon.                                We see it so light

    Ghost of my dead dad                           I've been wondering  
    First thing that comes to my mind           How to drive away Xangans
    Bring on the whiskey                             Photos of my dick.

    And for those that don't want to read haikus:

    You know, this pretty much sums it up.

    Have a great night and may all your parties be awesome.

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