May 22, 2011

• Celebrity Round-Up 5/20/11

  What a day!  I didn't sleep last night because every time I fell asleep I'd have a cat jump on me and demand attention.  I really should get their claws trimmed.  I know people think I should have them declawed by I think that is inhumane.  This way I get them in to see a vet every 6 weeks or so for a free check-up.  I only pay $4 to have the nails trimmed.  It was pretty bad because I was wearing a grey shirt last night and this morning I noticed red spots from where their claws broke my skin.  I had the day off so I watched Zodiac...god I love that movie and the whole story surrounding it.  I then planted a bunch of raspberry and blueberry bushes in my yard.  I am going to have quite the collection in a few years.  I am going to add a garlic patch in the next week and will plant my tomatoes, bell peppers, and jalapenos within the next few days.  I also picked my rhubarb today.  I don't really know how to cook it so I give it to my mom and she makes me all sorts of desserts.  I love rhubarb.  My mom wanted me to go to the local chain hardware/home improvement store to pick up some stuff for her garden.  I bought myself a couple more peppers.  One was called Pinot Noir and the other was Hungarian Death peppers.  CAN'T WAIT!  My mom has me load up her cart with mulch, fertilizer, and soil.  I was dragging around at least 400lbs.  Now my shoulder aches and because I planted those plants while it was sunny I am throbbing from sunburn.  I hate the side-effects of my medicine.  I can no longer get tan.  I am pasty white or burnt red.  We ate a Burger King which was a stupid move because next door to the Burger King is a VFW and they were hosting a middle school dance.  Christ, our world is screwed if those kids are the future.  We got out of there quickly and went over to the Culver's.  Do you have Culver's?  You should.  Their frozen custard flavor of the day at this location was Chocolate Eclair.  Is it wrong to get an erection from eating frozen custard?  Vanilla custard, chocolate syrup, pieces of eclair, and a little pudding...damn.  Now I am wearing one of those Japanese foot pads that is supposed to draw out impurities in your body.  Last time I wore one it turned black.  Anyway that was basically my day but you are probably reading celebrities by now.  Enjoy.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Trent Reznor turned 46 this week.  What an awesome photo!  You should check that site out.  If you had someone from your class that became famous would you post their high school photos?  I would but then I don't think anyone from my class ever became famous.
  
  This is a leaked photo of Tom Hardy as Bane in the new Batman movie.  I've been apprehensive about that movie and that mostly has been regarding Anne Hathaway as Catwoman and I'm sure if they leaked a photo of her in her Catwoman gear I'd probably be saying "this shit is going to suck" instead of "I'm looking forward to this movie".  I don't think that makes me gay, it just makes me a real big fan boy and happy to see that Bane will have a storyline in a Batman movie other than being a mute slave.
  
  Steven Tyler confirmed the obvious this week.  In his new book he talks about how he experimented with gay sex but it wasn't for him.  You know, I think everyone is gay but just to different degrees.  I mean, when a guy masturbates no matter what he thinks about he's still touching a dick for sexual gratification.  Anyway, if you have hate mail over that comment send your hate to thetheologianscafe@yahoo.com.  I think Steven should now leave American Idol because I'm pretty sure Ryan Seacrest is going to take it upon himself to bring Steven back.
  
  Suri Cruise made a list of the best dressed in the U.K.  So are people over there wearing nothing but potato sacks that a 5 year old makes that list?  Suri has now accomplished more in her 5 years than I have in my...more than 5.  I think she's just being dressed up and shown off for the public.  If that's the case, Tom Cruise should've just bought a doll instead of going to all that effort jerking off into a turkey baster.
  
  Sharon Stone wore this outfit to take her son to the park.  Why wouldn't she?  If you are not on the edge of fashion then you are behind.  I still think it would be awkward for all my friends and everyone in the park staring at my mom and her hooker boots.
  
  Hey look, Sarah Jessica Parker is auditioning for the new Medusa movie.  Her hand should definitely get that role.
  
  A rumor made it's way around the web and even ended up on CNN that 13 year old Rebecca Black was pregnant.  She took to Twitter and informed us that she wasn't.  She's 13!  Girls that young don't have sex unless of course they live next to Roman Polanski.  Even if she did have a baby, it wouldn't be the worst thing to come out of her.  Have you heard Friday?
  
  OOOOOOOHHHH NOOO!  Macho Man Randy Savage died this week after having a heart attack behind the wheel and crashing his car.  He was 58 years old.  Macho Man is reunited with Miss Elizabeth in the squared circle in the sky.  Snap into a Slim Jim in his honor.  OOOHH YEAH!  I am still thankful I had him do a guest blog.
  
  This is Olivia Wilde and she was spotted being very friendly with Salman Rushdie.  He sort of looks like a homeless guy and she is apparently dating him.  Salman was married to Padma Lakshmi.  Maybe Salman's pen is mightier than other guys' swords.
  
  So now Miley Cyrus is posing like this.  Next thing you know she'll be doing Playboy and then Penthouse and then she'll do a Skinemax film and then it'll be Hustler and then she'll be appearing on VH-1 for one of their "Where are they now" specials.
  
  This is Michelle Williams.  She has been cast to play Glinda the Good Witch in an upcoming prequel to The Wizard of Oz which is being tentatively called Oz: The Great and Powerful.  Sam Raimi is directing and Mila Kunis will play the Wicked Witch of the West and James Franco will play The Wizard and Rachel Weisz will play the Wicked Witch of the East.  The story is basically that Glinda and the Wizard join forces to battle the evil witches.  They are filming in Michigan.  I couldn't think of a more fairy tale-esque location.  I wonder if Oz: The Great and Powerful will sync up with Dark Side of the Moon.  Maybe they should try to sync it with a different Floyd album.  I'd go for Meddle.
  
  Mel Gibson is in Cannes to hype The Beaver.  It looks more like he's hyping The Passion of the Sugar Tits.  Seriously, Mel, it's time to look for a Mansierre or a Bro.  I know a guy that sells them for a good deal and he's very discreet.
  
  Lindsay Lohan was interviewed by a radio station this week and the host asked her if she was a lesbian or if she was bi and still into guys.  Lindsay said she was bi and still liked men.  THANK GOD!  Now I can rapture a happy man.  I couldn't live any longer without knowing whether she was into men or women or both.  Too bad she's still an idiot.  It's been estimated that she's paying $250,000 for her legal defense against the charges that she stole a $2,500 necklace.  So why is Lindsay's life in the toilet?  She's a bad actress, drug addict, or terrible at managing her money or a little of each.  If she was smart with money, she would have known that buying the necklace outright would have left her with enough money to pay rent, buy a car, and buy a case of Valtrex and the morning after pill.
  
  Lars Von Trier stirred up a shitstorm at Cannes this week.  He had this too say: "I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He's not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I'm not for the Second World War, and I'm not against Jews. ... I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I'm a Nazi.  I don't have so much to say, so I kind of have to improvise a little and just to let the feelings I have kind of come out into words. This whole Nazi thing, I don't know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this shit, you know?"  I sort of understand what he's saying.  I think it's sarcastic in how that people assume that Germans are Nazis.  I say I'm German and I get looks.  I studied Hebrew with a rabbi and I wanted to apply for a job at the synagogue but he was apprehensive because my name was "very German".  It sucks.  I can't help it that I had a family member who was a higher up at a death camp and I also can't help it that I had family who died in the death camps.  How fucked up are my family reunions!  I'm pretty sure Von Trier's career in America will be screwed even though Americans seemed to have forgiven Henry Ford.  I really enjoyed his movie Dancer in the Dark and I dug his style of using non-simulated sex in his movies.  That's right, if there's sex in one of his movies it's real but people won't watch them because he's a Nazi but they will drive a Ford.
  
  Last week Stephen Hawking said that there was no afterlife and the notion of heaven was a fairy tale for people who are afraid of the dark.  Well this week, Mike Seaver...I mean Kirk Cameron weighed in: "Professor Hawking is heralded as 'the genius of Britain,' yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life.  Why should anyone believe Mr. Hawking's writings if he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came?  [Hawking] says he knows there is no Heaven. John Lennon wasn't sure. He said to pretend there's no Heaven. That's easy if you try. Then he said he hoped that someday we would join him.  Such wishful thinking reveals John and Stephen's religious beliefs, not good science."  OK here's the thing, may I point out where Kirk is wrong?  He says Stephen Hawking has no evidence and yet Kirk Cameron provides no evidence the other way.  And I don't care what you think of me but...NOBODY HAS PROOF!  There was no eyewitness footage either way.  Believe what you want and don't harass someone who believes something that you don't.  I'll respect what you believe but that is dependent on your respect for me.  Give respect, get respect.  And if you want to send me hate mail, here's my address: thetheologianscafe@yahoo.com.  So often Christians stray so far from what the Bible teaches and who Jesus was and what he taught.  Jesus' message sure sounds like the conservative Christian movement in politics, doesn't it?  I love seeing all those Hummers parked at megachurches with the NRA stickers on one side and the "I accepted Jesus as my Lord" stickers on the other.  Sort of makes me think that Christ's message is a message of inconvenience to most modern Christians.  "Do I really have to help the poor?"  "Did the early Christians really live in a communal state?"  "Do I really have to turn the other cheek?"  "Do I really have to love my enemies?"  I'm guilty of not always doing that so I guess that doesn't make me a true Christian.  Oh well, I'll enjoy spending time with you after you aren't taken up in the Rapture.  Maybe we can pawn the Jesus fish on the back of your car.
  
  Khloe Kardashian...wow, just wow.  I think I want to charge that because of the red and the tightness and the...fap fap fap.
  
  Katy Perry is very reasonable and demanding.  I guess being a manufactured pop star who only gets people to listen to her because hangs her tits out of her clothing is a tough job.  Smoking Gun got a hold of her 45 page rider contract.  Here are some of the demands.  Her dressing room has to be colored cream or pink and must have two cream-colored egg chairs, one of which should have a footstool.  A coffee table needs to be “perspex modern style.” A pair of floor lamps should be in “French ornate style.” And the singer’s refrigerator must come with a glass door.  She also demands these flowers: white and purple hydrangeas, pink & white roses and peonies and if they aren't in season or available she'll settle for a selection of seasonal white flowers to include white orchids but absolutely NO CARNATIONS (that part was in caps and underlined in the rider).  Katy requires that her hotel stay be at a presidential suite in a 5 star property with free internet service and a complimentary breakfast must be provided to the performer and her touring party.  Chauffeurs are not allowed to start conversations with her and are also banned from talking to her guests or fans.  Drivers can't stare through the driver's mirror and can't ask for autographs and every car in which she rides must have four bottles of water.  She also reserves the right that her company be allowed to purchase tickets to sell them to ticket brokers.  Basically she is scalping tickets for her own shows.  People claim this is standard so I guess my argument is made.  I'm wondering about the carnations.  Did one try to molest her?  Are they poisonous?  Seriously, someone has to let me know.
  
  Julianne Hough was spotted in Miami this week.  That breaks my heart.  She told me she wasn't going to the Sadie Hawkin's Day dance but here she is frolicking poolside in Miami.  I can't go on living with such deceit.  Thank God tomorrow is the end.
  
  Donald Trump announced this week that he won't be running for president.  And he issued this statement: "After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector."  So he says he would win the nomination and the presidency if he ran but he's not going to run.  The good news for Republicans is that Jimmy McMillan from The Rent is Too Damn High Party has tossed his hat into the ring for the GOP nomination.  I think disclosing his financial and business dealings isn't in his best interest.  The only way he can be President is if President is the name of one of his housing projects.  If you thought he'd actually run and win, oxygen is a precious resource so please stop breathing and let the rest of us breathe. 
  
  There was some buzz about an anchor at a major news network coming out of the closet and here he is, Don Lemon.  I think people were disappointed it wasn't Anderson Cooper.  I was sort of upset it wasn't Dick Quest, the CNN anchor who was arrested in Central Park for possession of crystal meth.  That wasn't the oddest thing about the arrest, he had a rope tied around his neck and genitals and he also was packing a dildo.   Don Lemon had this to say about coming out: "I’m scared. I’m talking about something that people might shun me for, ostracize me for.  It’s quite different for an African-American male. It’s about the worst thing you can be in black culture. You’re taught you have to be a man; you have to be masculine. In the black community they think you can pray the gay away.  You’re afraid that black women will say the same things they do about how black men should be dating black women. I guess this makes me a double minority now.”  No, I will not make a Tyler Perry joke.  I'm glad he can now live with himself openly.  What are the perks about being "out"?  He probably won't get third looks if he's making out with a dude in public and he won't be embarrassed if he's caught listening to Ace of Base on his iPod. 
  
  Demi Lovato posted this on her Twitter this week along with this tweet: “I’ve been working so hard to get healthy and fit.. I can’t believe I’m about to do this but I’m so excited.. Here’s my bikini time body!”.  She has lost a significant amount of weight since she left rehab.  I'm not saying she's starving herself or back on drugs but she's probably worked harder at cleaning her room than she has at being healthy and fit.  Some how I get the feeling that we'll see this photo in a new Hydroxycut commercial soon.  But she could have at least taken a better photo.  I look at it and ask, "is she trying to hide a penis?"
  
  Courtney Love was at Cannes this week.  I now know because of this photo I won't be going on up to the East Side in the Rapture this weekend.
  
  Cher turned 65 this week and now it's time for my obligatory "If I Could Turn Back Time" joke.  When Cher realized she was 65 this morning she looked into the mirror and said "if I could turn back time" and she did by going to her plastic surgeon.
  
  It appears as if Miley Cyrus has signed Cameron Diaz to be the first model for Miley's new line of clothing...Hillbilly Apparel.  I hate Cameron.  Why must the media insist that I like her?  Why is she in the top 5 of Maxim's Hot 100?  All my female readers on Xanga should be ranked higher than her...am I trying too hard?  Sorry, I'm bad at being single.
  
  Raise your hand if you have an illegitimate child.  And that is all I'm going to say about that shitstorm.
  
  Amy Winehouse checked into a clinic this week in an attempt to prepare her body for a potential pregnancy.  They need those experts from Hoarders to clean out her body.  People are claiming she'll be having her implants removed.  Well I guess that's a good thing because she wouldn't want her breast milk to be tainted with silicon although with all her drinking she probably still has vodka mixed with her breast milk.  What a loving mama!  She's going to give her child a White Russian.
  
  And so it begins...the new cast of Two and a Half Men.  Jon Cryer is pretty sarcastic because he said Ashton Kutcher was a great actor and extremely talented.  I'm surprised he isn't a comedian because saying that about Ashton Kutcher brought me to tears from laughter.  Just look at him in the left photo.  The look he is giving is the same one I give when someone suggests we try the vegan restaurant.  Angus Jones is laughing because he realizes how much money he'll make in this season and hopefully last season of Two and a Half Men. 

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  Make it a good one because I hear it's going to be the last one.  As I said on my facebook, I was driving around and noticed the bars were empty and most every house had no lights on.  Everyone must be getting a good night's sleep so they can get yardwork done tomorrow so their lawn can look pretty for the Rapture or they want to be well rested to meet Jesus.  Anyway, have a great weekend. 

  • 12:31 AM
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