May 30, 2011

• Celebrity Round-Up 5/27/11

  What an exciting 48 hours!  I’ve learned my lesson…stay the fuck away from LoBorn, ish sites, and not embrace your inner-Jew.  I’m just curious why I had my IP blocked within 12 hours of things I said and someone who made a post about hating Jews didn’t have anything done to their site or post.  I’ll just let the ADL handle that matter.  I also think I’m now a member of the Tinfoil Hat Society because I believe that a certain Xangan is a government agent working here on Xanga to monitor subversives.  COINTELPRO…look that shit up and be scared.  Today, I wasn’t around because I went fishing and worked on my garden.  Then this afternoon as I was reeling in yet another crappie I get a phone call from my mom asking if I could drive her and my aunt to the Farm and Fleet to pick up soil.  I agreed if she’d buy me some fishing tackle and supper.  I got some new bait and I had a nice supper at a Mexican restaurant: grilled chicken and spinach enchiladas smothered in cheese and green chili.  Oh it was so good.  I then washed it all down with some Culver’s.  If you don’t know Culver’s you don’t know real frozen custard/ice cream.  Their flavor today was something called Chocolate Oreo Volcano.  If you follow my twitter you know all about this.  Chocolate custard mixed with chocolate flakes, Oreo cookie bits, M&Ms, and chocolate syrup.  I think I’ve had my quota for chocolate this week.  Anyway, you should be glad I’m back because it’s time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Well there are still all these rumors floating about who the father of January Jones’ unborn child is and somehow I think Zach Galifinakis is one of the potential fathers.  Even though this week he made a comment about how big of bitch January is, it’s just to throw us off track.  A website asked if he’d ever do a sex scene with her in a movie and he said no.  They said she thought he was very funny and this is how he replied: “If I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other. It was crazy. I was at a party – I’d never met her – and she was like, ‘Come sit down’. So I sit at her table, and [we] talk for ten minutes, and she goes, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave now’.  So I say, ‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so fucking be nice’, and I got up and left. And she thinks that’s funny?”  Wow, they should hang out more often because she really brings out the best in Zach.  He better watch out though because if experience has taught me anything it’s that if you are the below-average looking guy who makes fun of the blonde cheerleader type girl, she’ll go to prom with a popular guy while you sit at home hating yourself and masturbating while listening to “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure as you hold back the tears.  That didn’t happen to me, I just know a guy.
  
  They keep releasing photos of Adrianne Palicki in her Wonder Woman costume.  I’m thinking that maybe NBC is regretting cutting that show.  I’m hoping another network picks it up.  ABC, the ball is in your court.  I just need some new fap material.
  
  Bob Dylan turned 70 this week.  Did you see my post about it?  Anyone going to Bob Dylan Days in Hibbing?
  
  Less than 24 hours after Osama bin Laden was killed by SEAL Team 6, the Walt Disney company tried to file a trademark on the name “SEAL Team 6″.  The United States Navy blocked them from trademarking this name.  Disney dropped the trademark appeal.  This is sort of bizarre.  Disney movies aren’t typically about terrorists and murder.  If I wanted explosions and lifeless bodies, I’d just watch some porn.  You know damn well that if Disney got that name, they would crank out a movie of talking seals killing a penguin terrorist. 
  
  Uma Thurman was at Cannes.  Wow!  You can really see her Uma.  You know, the first time I saw this photo it was like the first time I saw Star Wars.  I just sat there and drooled and begged for more which also happens to be how I act whenever I see a naked girl.
  
  And people wonder why I can’t stand Tom Brady.  What a silly ass!  Oh and what do gay cows eat?  HAAAY!
  
  Here is a first look at the new Three Stooges.  That’s Chris Diamantopoulos getting eye-drops as Moe, Sean Hayes as Larry and with his back to the camera in the bottom photo Will Sasso as Curly.  Sofia Vergara is in there too.  She’s the hot one with the boobs.  This movie, I don’t know what to think of it.  It’s sort of like Leinenkugel’s Berry Weiss.  It’s a berry flavored beer.  People think that it sucks but when it’s combined with another fine product from Leinenkugel’s such as the Summer Shandy or Sunset Wheat, Berry Weiss can be quite tasty.  So I guess Sofia Vergara is Summer Shandy and the Farrely Brothers are Sunset Wheat.  This story has been brought to you by the Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company.  Join us out here for a ice cold Leinenkugel beer.  Every day is a Friday fish fry.  Yeah, you can’t block me Xanga, I bring in corporate sponsors!  Time to head to the liquor store to get my free case of Leinie’s.  Did I mention that I have a bobber on my fishing line that is a Leinie’s Honey Weiss can?
  
  This is Raushan Hammond.  He played Thud Butt in Hook.  These days he’s trying to score dates on Plenty of Fish.  There may be hope for me yet.  I just have to tell people on Plenty of Fish that I’m the fat boy from The Cosby Show.
  
  Mariah Carey has been a mother since Mother’s Day and she’s already had her first visit from the Department of Children and Family Services.  It all stemmed from Mariah having problems breast feeding.  A nurse told her that if she drinks a little beer before she breast feeds it will help her lactate.  Ladies, if this is true consider enjoying an ice cold Honey Weiss from the good people at the Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company.  Well Mariah drank some Guinness (should’ve went with Leinies) and someone snitched on her.  Well DCFS came and investigated the complaint that Mariah was drinking and giving her children liquor.  They found nothing wrong and dismissed the case.  That is a waste of time and money.  Shouldn’t they be out helping children and families who really need the help instead of preying on celebrities?  Haven’t the wealthy suffered enough?
  
  PEEKABOO!  I think her bare nipple is so pink because it is such a contrast with her orange skin.  Anyway Lindsay Lohan was out frolicking at the beach before she turned herself in for house arrest.  That’s right, Lindsay is serving 120 days under house arrest.  She was supposed to go to jail however the jail is overcrowded so she gets to her 3000 square foot, 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom cell.  This cell also features a living room with double height ceilings, poured concrete floors, a forged steel fireplace, the finest stainless steel appliances, and a wall of huge, south-facing windows that bathe the house in an abundance of natural light.  OH HOW BRUTAL!  Where is Amnesty International?  She will have her sentenced reduced if she exhibits good behavior.  What?  The only way you fuck up house arrest is if you LEAVE THE HOUSE!  You can get pretty much anything delivered to your house these days so I don’t know what to expect.  Lindsay is already considering what she wants to do after her sentence is finished.  There’s rumors that there will be yet another Carrie remake and Lindsay Lohan is trying to get the titular (see what I did there) role.  Stephen King was asked about this remake and here’s what he had to say: “I’ve heard rumblings about a Carrie remake, as I have about The Stand and It. Who knows if it will happen? The real question is why, when the original was so good? I mean, not Casablanca, or anything, but a really good horror-suspense film, much better than the book. Piper Laurie really got her teeth into the bad-mom thing. Although Lindsay Lohan as Carrie White… hmmm. It would certainly be fun to cast. I guess I could get behind it if they turned the project over to one of the Davids: Lynch or Cronenberg.”  Shit…that would be awesome with David Lynch at the helm.  I’m still trying to get around how they’ll make Lindsay look like she’s in high school since she looks like she’s 40.  Personally, I think they need to remake Strangers with Candy and cast Lindsay as Jerri Blank.
  
  Lenny Kravitz turned 47 this week so here’s your birthday present ladies.  That belly button is freaking me out.  Lenny received a birthday present this week as well.  He was cast as Cinna in the upcoming movie The Hunger Games.  I am really anxious for that movie, can’t you tell? 
  
  Here’s Lady Gaga wearing a normal outfit that she uses to go grocery shopping.  Apparently she was born different so she has to act different.  It doesn’t make sense but just humor her, she’ll be gone soon.
  
  Kirstie Alley said that her dress size has been cut in half because of her training on Dancing with the Stars.  Well she looks great in both pics but anyway…since she’s 60, does this make her a GILF?
  
  Kim Kardashian is engaged to Kris Humphries of some NBA team.  See he isn’t that great and if he was I’d know what team he plays for.  Anyway, he spent $2million on her engagement ring.  See, Kris, you’re supposed to spend 2 months of you salary on the ring and not 2 years.  No way does someone like Kris Humphries make $12million a year playing basketball.  Anyway, he got two Bible passages inscribed on the inside of the ring.  No word as to what they are but I’m sure they are from the book of Sir-Mix-a-Lot: “I like big butts” and “Shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt.”  Oh and their marriage will be televised on E!.  I fairly certain that the Kardashian clan will film everything because that’s the type of whores they are.  “Kim is constipated and needs an enema, mom.”  “Well we better notify E! so they can get the cameras over here.”  Kris Jenner is nothing more than a pimp.
  
  Ke¢ha is still weird and trying to remain relevant.  She was talking on her twitter that she received a tooth from one of her fans and she now wants a necklace made entirely of human teeth so Ke¢ha asked her fans to send her their teeth.  Whatever happened to the good old days when all a singer had to do to get attention was to make quality music and have an occasional overdose?  These days all they do is try to out-shock each other.  It probably won’t be too hard to get a necklace of teeth since a good portion of her fans happen to be meth addicts.
  
  Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez on vacation to Maui.  When I was 17, I took my girlfriend on vacation to my backyard fort and I laid down a blanket on the floor, lit a candle, snuck a few beers and we made out.  Justin and Selena had a typical vacation that most 17 year olds experience they did some swimming, parasailing, jet-skiiing, and searching local pharmacies for the morning after pill and then telling the pharmacist, “You gotta help me, my mom will kill me.”  It’s also come to my attention that Selena is 18.  This makes her a pedophile.  Where is Chris Hansen when you need him?  Selena, he told you to take a seat but not on Justin’s crotch.  Also Justin announced this week that he’d be introducing a perfume for his female fans.  He really is bleeding his fans dry.  First it was the music, then it was the movie and now it’s a perfume.  Why doesn’t he just have his fans send him their allowances via direct deposit?  The sad thing is, this perfume will be a huge seller because Bieber fans will believe anything he says.  I wonder if they’ll believe him when he’s driving this van around.
  
  Jeff Conaway passed away this week at the age of 60.  He is best known for his role as Kenickie in Grease.  He was also in Taxi.  In recent years he gained fame on Celebrity Rehab.  Dr. Drew has chimed in and said Jeff died of pneumonia and sepsis but some close to Jeff say he died of an overdose that may have been suicide.  Quick, someone other than a VH-1 executive producer tell me who has actually benefited from Dr. Drew?  Jeff Conaway dies after being through Dr. Drew’s treatment.  Mike Starr died after “graduating” from Celebrity Rehab.  Then there are these people who died at Dr. Drew’s facilities.  I think Dr. Drew’s biggest claim to fame is that he prevented Tom Sizemore from killing his girlfriend.  I think it’s time he hung up the stethoscope. 
  
  If you like Hillary Duff’s melons, you should really try her peach.
  
  If you read only one story this week, it has to be this one.  Estella Warren, best known for her work on…gee, I don’t know, is in jail for hitting three parked cars, kicking a cop, and escaping from jail all while drunk.  Cops say Estella was driving in L.A. when she struck 3 parked cars in her Toyota Prius. Warren drove away but cops spotted her and placed her under arrest for driving under the influence, though not before she resisted and kicked an officer. Warren was taken to the police station in handcuffs, and during the booking process she managed to get out of her handcuffs and then run out the back door.  She was quickly recaptured and then booked for escape.  She was also booked for assault, hit and run and DUI.  Her bail was set at $100,000.  The only way that could have been better was if a samurai sword was involved.  I think Lindsay Lohan would be proud.  It sounds like Estella Warren turns into a monster truck driver who wants to be a UFC fighter when she drinks.  Drunk driving is as wrong as choking a kitten.  Hitting a parked car and not leaving a note is like leading a blind puppy to the edge of a cliff.  Kicking a cop is as stupid as using a public toilet seat.  But escaping from a police station while drunk wins you a lifetime achievement award in comedy.
  
  Courtney Love gave an interview and boy, is she crazy.  She claims she’s never drank a crazy tea but she advocates everyone drink it: “You couldn’t pay me a billion dollars to take marijuana. I don’t really like coke anymore. I’m scared of ecstasy. The one drug I’d like to try one day is Ayahuasca, which should be mandatory for everybody. It’s apparently this crazy tea that gives you these intense hallucinations. Everyone who takes it sees a wise old black man who takes you on a wild journey. I’m not going to name names, but everyone who takes it sees the same black guy. I’m not kidding you. Everyone! 
Shut up! No! My drug counselor did Ayahuasca with Sting one time and Sting spent an hour chasing a bee through Joshua Tree. I didn’t join in because losing control is not my jam. The few times I’ve been really drunk, I was plastered on tequila, which is no fun at all. One of those times was at the M.T.V. Awards, when I nearly fell on the floor because I took so many benzos.

  ” So how does she know everyone sees the same guy?  I wonder if they sell that tea at Starbucks.  I bet the wise old black guy is either Morgan Freeman or George Clinton.  Then she had this to say about her sex life: “Yeah. After I stopped doing drugs I started to fuck like a bunny…. I had this Norma Desmond moment, I guess. I started sleeping with this dude who wasn’t so great, and then I hooked up with another dude who was in an open marriage, but he wasn’t so great, either. I’m a very sexual person, but in general, I think sex is kind of overrated. Most of the guys I sleep with have tended to be actors and musicians and directors. And they tend to be lousy lays. “  So what about celebrity bloggers?  God, I wouldn’t want to find out what Courtney Love thought of my sex skills.  I’d actually have to have sex with her and I think that’s a death sentence so I should just put a bullet in my brain instead.  Courtney also doesn’t think too highly of Dr. Drew: “I mean, I wouldn’t want to end up at Dr. Drew’s place. He’s such a phony, that guy.”  You know you have problems if Courtney Love says you’re a phony.  Later in the week Courtney had an interview with GQ for their tribute to Nirvana.  She gave us this bit of information: “Kurt had more presence and more beauty than Brad Pitt. He was a leader, he was strong, in fact he was well fucking hung, if you really want to know.”  And here I thought Courtney couldn’t keep her mouth shut because of all the drug use.  It turns out she got permanent lockjaw from Kurt Cobain’s penis.  Who knew?
  
  It’s been awhile since I admired Coco.  She is the most talented woman in the world.  The royal family should invite her to Buckingham Palace so she can entertain.  Forget Kate Middleton, Coco would make a better princess.  Hmmm I think I finally understand what people mean when they say, “This beer tastes like ass.”  Coco’s ass is such a good thing and that must be the best tasting beer in the world.
  
  Coco announced this week that she has started her own clothing line called Licious Clothing.  You should really check it out.  Just remember, camel toe sold separately.
  
  Please tell me that Fergie is modeling something from Licious Clothing.
  
  TMZ has reported that former pro-wrestler Chyna approached the CEO of Vivid Entertainment, the same company who sold her first sex tape, about doing another porno for the company.  She asked that the male actors in the movie be the biggest in the business.  Here I thought she was doing good.  This is sort of sad.  Notice I said “sort of”.  I’ll still probably watch it.  Right now it’s tentatively called “Back Door into Chyna”.  Her former boyfriend, Sean Waltman, said: “It saddens me … but she obviously hasn’t progressed very far in life.  She used to say how low she felt after the first [sex tape] was released … what does that say about where she’s at in life now?” If E! is throwing around money for the Kardashians doing inane shit like getting married, they can give the 9th Wonder of the World a few bucks so she doesn’t have to do porn.
  
  This is Christy Turlington and she just did 10 hours of Kegel exercises.  She has the strongest vagina on the planet.  She can bend steel bars with her vagina and I’m not talking about those weak Chinese steel bars, I’m talking about the huge, good old Wisconsin steel poles.
  
  Christopher Meloni will not be returning to Law and Order SVU this season.  Apparently he was in negotiations with producers for this season but they broke down and he will not be returning.  They are currently seeking a replacement.  My mom will be so upset when she finds out that he won’t be returning.  She really likes that guy.  I think the only way they could make her happy is if they replaced Elliot Stabler with a permanently shirtless Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds circa 1980.
  
  Christina Hendricks told the world this week that her breasts were real.  She said she got fat and when she slimmed down she kept her massive mammaries.  AWESOME!  So I wonder how many girls who want bigger boobs will gain a lot of weight and then work it off just to get bigger boobs.  She also talked about how her boyfriend won her over.  He bought her a chandelier and then she fell in love.  That’s it?  Well, single ladies, I have a few lamps around my house that could be yours if you promise to fall in love with me once I give you the lamp.  Ladies?
  
  Amy Winehouse checked into rehab for the 571st time.  She obviously never listened to her own song.  Before she went to the rehab center she went to a bar and got trashed on vodka.  That’s how you do it!  Then she went to a hair salon to doll herself up for check-in and she went into the bathroom and ralphed all over the place.  People in the salon said it was rather violent and loud.  Then after she threw up, she apologized and left to go wash out her mouth with vodka.  You know, she’s pretty smart.  The best thing to cure a hangover and wash out your mouth after throwing up is vodka.  Does she really need rehab at this point?  Can’t we just call her a full-blown alcoholic?  There’s a fine line between struggling with drinking and drinking so much you barf in a beauty parlor and then drinking some more before you check yourself into rehab.  God, and she wants to have kids.
  
  Scotty McCreery won American Idol.  It’s nice to see he’s already doing the milk mustache commercials.

  Video Section
  This lady is really happy Scotty McCreery won.
  
  Lisa Lampenelli performed in Topeka, KS this week.  She learned that Westboro Baptist Church would picket her show so she promised to donate $1,000 for every Westboro protester that showed up.  44 protesters showed up so Lisa donated $44,000 to the Gay Men’s Health Crisis.
  

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I’m glad I am unblocked so you can read this so be kind, comment, and recommend and promise not to turn me into COINTELPRO.

  • 7:28 PM
  • 53 Comments