June 15, 2011

• Motivation

  So I was watching the TV and a commercial for the Dr. Pepper with cherry came one with Fergie drinking and then she pulls out a cherry stem that has been tied in a knot.  Are men supposed to believe that a girl tying a cherry stem in a knot in their mouth is a turn-on?  I don’t want my dick tied into a knot so that doesn’t turn me on at all.

  Don’t think of your life as wasted just think of it as one stupid fucking mistake after another.

  Why is asking a pharmacist for a custom condom fitting frowned upon?

  That first GOP date sucked more than Bristol Palin on a first date.  I think Guy Fieri should be the proctor and it should be Minute to Win It rules for the nomination so we don’t have to put up with all the useless debates.  Why does anyone want to get into government if they run on the campaign that they hate government?  Mitt Romney would make an excellent president if he was running for president of China or South Korea or wherever he sent American jobs to when he worked for a company that bought up companies and shipped jobs overseas, Bain Capital.  Why do Republicans cheer whenever there’s a downturn in the economy?  Do they hate America?  Michelle Bachmann is celebrated for being a foster parent and Obama is disparaged for being a community organizer.  WTF?  Oh and Michelle Bachmann has as good of chance at becoming president as Herman Cain has at making a good pizza.  President Obama nominated Burt Reynolds to be his fashion and style czar.  Reynolds first order of business was to start a Cash for ‘Stache program.  I plan on announcing my run for U.S. Senate by texting everyone I know a photo of my dick.

  Phone conversations with women at 3AM are never good unless you’re paying by the minute but those still aren’t good.

  If a black or Hispanic girl goes missing, the parents should tell the media that she’s blonde and white so they will get coverage.

  The only time men wished they had a bigger penis is when they are asleep or awake.

  Ladies, if a guy tells you that you have nice eyes it probably means you’ve already passed the “nice boobs” test.

  I’m surprised there isn’t fetish porn of people having sex while wearing CPAP masks.

  I got pulled over for speeding today.  I told the cop I was dyslexic and he didn’t give me a ticket for doing 52 in a 25.  The cops are good with their speed traps working so now if they could just get their murder traps to work.

  I refuse to talk with midgets because I’m not one for small talk.

  My mom told me that I was born a genius but that the doctor dropped me on my head a few minutes after birth.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation (it sort of has a theme):

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Is there anything sexier than looking at porn while a Tyler Perry TV show plays on your 20 inch TV in the background?

  I think the greatest gift God gave to men was the ability to translate everything a woman says as “blah blah blah blah”.

  I want to open a store that is the male counterpart to Victoria’s Secret.  I plan on calling it Godfather’s Obvious Package Enhancers.  I also have a plan on opening a tire shop and strip club combo, basically a place where you can get a lapdance while waiting for your tires to get rotated.  I plan on calling it Treads and Spreads.

  I didn’t have enough money to go to a strip club so I went to a local ice cream parlor and watched women eat ice cream cones.

  Ladies, if you call a girl a ho you better make sure you’re correct because if I try to bang her and she doesn’t let me then you’re a lying cunt…I love all the name calling on Xanga.
  

  Taco Bell calls their 12 pack of tacos a Taco Pack.  I call it “Coping with another lonely Friday night.”
  

  Have you ever had the feeling that if you read a L. Ron Hubbard book, you’ll get 20 pages in and then wake up wearing a chauffeur’s uniform and asking, “Where to now Mr. Cruise?”
  

  It must really suck for LeBron that he didn’t win the NBA championship and he doesn’t have a ring even though he has millions of dollars and countless douchebags buying his jersey and shoes.  Delonte West screwed LeBron's mom, Rashard Lewis screwed LeBron's girlfriend, and the Dallas Mavericks screwed LeBron…it really has been a hard season for him.  The only thing LeBron is king of is not winning a fuc-king championship.  I wonder if Mark Cuban will give Rashard Lewis a ring for taking LeBron out of his game.
  

  All arguments on Xanga need to be solved with a break dance competition.

  If it wasn’t for Xanga, we’d all be doing stuff.

  • 8:22 PM
  • 32 Comments