June 22, 2011

• Motivation

  They say breaking up is hard to do but it’s not when you were dating someone who didn’t know Family Matters was a spin-off of Perfect Strangers.

  I’m trying to play guitar more often.  I learned the theme song to Bonanza.  Now if I could just use it.  I’m hoping some day guys will ride horses in my backyard with a giant piece of burning paper behind them.

  I’ve been listening to a lot of songs from Disney lately.  I think it’s just my way of killing time before I go see the gynecologist.

  Why are kids in America so fat?  40% of all of McDonald’s profits come just from Happy Meals and we criticize the Chinese for killing off their kids.  Newt Gingrich can’t hold on to any employees but at least he has his tip-top health…oops.  People are claiming that teachers who make $30,000 a year are spoiled but the average teacher’s salary has decreased while corporate profits have sky-rocketed and that’s because they’re shipping jobs overseas.  Rick Perry is bragging that he balanced Texas’ budget but he’s conveniently forgetting to mention that it was balanced with stimulus money.  He claims everything is bigger and better in Texas and Texas is one of the greatest states of the union.  Well he’s right, Texas has the highest pollution rates, poverty rates, crime rate, and number of uneducated people in America.  He also refused to use state funds for education but gave $25million to Formula 1.  Amy Winehouse has endorsed Ron Paul because he wants to legalize heroin.  If Anthony Weiner had a bigger wiener then he wouldn’t have been forced to resign.  Bristol Palin said she lost her virginity in a tent after getting drunk…well who hasn’t?  The Palin’s family motto is: “It’s always someone else’s fault.”  Gabrielle Giffords is out of the hospital and all I wonder is how long it will be before Sarah Palin puts bulleyes on her again.

  Sometimes I dislike when people post photos of food they cook on Xanga.  I’ve been thinking of posting photos of my poop and having people guess what I’ve eaten.

  Half of college freshmen think they have above average intellect and the rest enrolled in an SEC school.

  The key to a successful marriage is shutting the fuck up.

  When life hands me lemons, I grab a bottle of tequila and salt shaker.

  And now you weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I am horrible at dating and I assume it’s because I can’t come up with a proper greeting.  I want something more intimate than a handshake and less personal than asking if this thing on my left testicle might be a cancerous lump.

  The only thing better than eating a corndog is watching a hot chick eat a corndog.

  People who complain that baseball is boring should have to buy WNBA season tickets and watch every minute of every game.

  Erections are the male’s way of giving females standing ovations.

  I was thinking on Father’s Day that I can’t wait to have kids so they can celebrate the fact that I got laid and suffer from premature ejaculation

  I’m making a swimsuit out of Sham-Wows so I can go to my neighbor’s house and steal all the water in their pool.

  Porn in the morning is like drinking in the morning.  Once you try it you get hooked because it makes your day that much better.
  

  M. Night Shamylan is directing a movie about Chubby Checker.  He was hired because he was sure to include The Twist.  (That one was brought to you by my dad except he said Alfred Hitchcock.  I didn't have the heart to tell him Hitchcock was dead.)
  

  Why are they putting graphic warning labels on cigarette labels?  They should be putting them on fast food labels because more people die from fast food than from cigarettes.  My naked body would make anyone stop eating.
  

  I like mocking the Amish because they don’t have internet access.
  

  The best conversations always start with “I don’t usually do this…”

  • 3:27 PM
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