June 29, 2011

• Motivation

  The L.A. Dodgers filed for bankruptcy and San Francisco Giants fans everywhere feel vindicated for all the years spent chanting “Dodgers suck”.

  Mardy Fish is the only American left at Wimbledon and Americans everywhere are asking “What the hell kind of American name is ‘Mardy Fish’?”

  Ben Roethlisberger had surgery to repair his broken foot.  The good news is that his reputation as a womanizer remains unbroken.

  The U.S.A. lost to Mexico on Saturday.  The good news is that to console themselves after the loss, the United States checked passports and tightened border security.

  The women’s World Cup kicked off this week and I’m only interested in perhaps seeing bouncing boobs and sports bras.

  I applied at the CIA to become a spy but was turned away because I don’t own a pair of designer sunglasses.

  When I urinate I hold my penis with two hands but I do end up pissing on 4 fingers…OK, 6 fingers…screw you, I’m average.

  I will only talk with telemarketers if they refer to me as “your highness”.

  Someone once told me they would “mace my ass”.  I thought about it and would rather have mace in my eyes than my butt.  First dates suck. 

  If they deport all the illegal aliens, who will change John McCain’s depends?  Sometimes I get the feeling that President Obama was pro-breathing, the Republicans would be against it.  Michelle Bachmann’s popularity is growing in the Midwest because one of her campaign promises is if she gets elected president she’ll allow every farmer to count each stalk of corn as a foster child so they can collect even more subsidies.  She’ll make a great president because she knows the difference between a movie star and a child molester.  I love that she’s against the government handing out money and yet a farm in which she is a partner received $260,000 in federal subsidies.  Rod Blagojevich was convicted of being an asshole.  If the Republican party worried about job creation half as much as they have worried about destroying Planned Parenthood, the economy would have been corrected months ago.  Herman Cain announced that to help his sagging numbers he plans on wearing a white hood and robe to Tea Party events.

  Have you ever noticed that a lot of Christians teach that they are not forgive and punch the other cheek?

  Have you ever wondered why the Travel Channel doesn’t feature anything about travel but the majority of their shows are centered around competitive eating?

  Have you ever heard the term “shit eating grin”?  I can’t imagine anyone would smile after eating shit.

  Here's your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I need to call the insurance company about getting some funds because my house had damages and I blame it on this whole solidarity movement in Wisconsin.  A friend dropped a beer bottle on my floor and it shattered so because of solidarity I took one and flung it at the wall and screamed, “Fuck this place!”

  Why does my girlfriend always want to talk during sex?  I should just let my phone go to voicemail.

  My girlfriend wanted to go to Babies R Us.  I think she was sending me a message so before we went in we shotgunned a 12 pack of beer in the parking lot.  I hope that reminded her that a pregnancy would interfere with her drinking problem.

  83% of Americans own cellphones but we are still beat out by Taiwan where cellphones outnumber people.  No wonder China wants to invade them.

  A girl approached me at the bar and told me I was old enough to be her dad.  That would have made me 10 when I fathered her.  I called her an idiot and told her she was fat enough to be a Volkswagen.
  

  The only thing bad about gay marriage is now there is a whole new group of people that girls would rather marry before me.  Everyone should be allowed to get married but no one should be allowed to divorce.
  

  Two local gas stations, Kwik Trip and Kum & Go, have merged and will be called Kum Kwik.
  

  When I have nothing of value to say, I talk on Xanga.
  

  If you are new to Xanga, here’s a helpful hint: everyone on here is better than everyone and everything or at least that’s what they claim.
  

  Xanga is like high school because the moment someone does or says something than everyone instantly knows.  It’s also like a refrigerator because you check it and then come back a few minutes later to check it again only to find out that nothing has changed.

  • 1:32 PM
  • 32 Comments