July 6, 2011

• Motivation

  I saw my first sign language argument today.  You’d never believe what the gesture for “camel toe” is.

  My dad said I could do anything I put my mind to.  He’s full of shit.  I’m not a billionaire and I’m not dating Playboy playmates.

  Nathan’s had their annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island, a contest I like to call “Fuck you to all the homeless and starving, sincerely America!”  During the event people were said to be chanting “Screw you, Africa!”  I once took my girlfriend to a hot dog eating contest hoping it would turn her on.

  While Tiger Woods has been sitting out to recover from an injury, PGA members are forced to find a new token black friend.

  Nike re-signed Michael Vick to an endorsement contract after dropping him 4 years ago.  This can only mean one thing, quality dog fighting will soon commence.

  The funny thing about the NFL and NBA lockouts is that so many of the players are familiar with bars and chains.

  The only thing I miss about college is how easily the pick-up line, “Hey, wanna make-out” worked.  Hey, wanna make out?  No?  See I was right.  It wouldn’t work since it’s nearly impossible for me to make out these days with the asthma.

  The most unsung hero in the United States’ history is whoever invented the American flag bikini.

  The only thing we can all agree with about Casey Anthony is that she knows how to party and she is probably guilty of murder.  The jury is in deliberation even though Nancy Grace declared her guilty years ago.  The only thing I find her guilty of is being hot.  I hope they don’t give her the death penalty because I’d like to be her penpal.  Casey Anthony is a great Republican and should run for president because like most Republicans she’s also a compulsive liar.  I think the only injustice here is that Nancy Grace won’t win an Emmy for best comedy series.  Rick Scott called Casey Anthony to thank her for making him the #2 most hated person in Florida.  I wish Casey Anthony would adopt a few Kardashians.  Note to self: never write jokes about a court case until AFTER the verdict is reached.

  I figured my relationship was dead when my girlfriend let me fall asleep on the couch and instead of waking me up for sex; she woke me up by checking my pulse.

  Do you ever think aliens get upset when they aren’t included in our Miss Universe contest?

  I used to think that pro-wrestling was real but it turns out it’s fixed just like boxing.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  A congressman from Michigan, named Thad McCotter, announced that he was a candidate of the GOP nomination and Arnold Horshack was so excited by the news that he called McCotter to say welcome back.  Eric Cantor said he bets that the nation defaults.  Why?  He’ll probably make a lot of money if it does so my only question is why isn’t he being charged with treason?  He also walked out of a budget meeting because he wasn’t getting his way.  I guess he’s emulating the leadership style of Sarah Palin by quitting.  The only thing Herman Cain could bring to the presidency is $1 off coupons for Godfather’s Pizza.  In 2008 Republicans were saying that Obama had no experience in politics despite being a senator and now Herman Cain comes along and he has absolutely no political experience and he’s a “qualified candidate”.  Michelle Bachmann received a cease and desist warning from Tom Petty for using the song “American Girl” in her campaign stops.  She also received a cease and desist letter for using the song “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves.  Thankfully Ted Nugent stepped in and let her use “Stranglehold” and “Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang”.  I wish that was a joke but it’s the truth.

  A study recently revealed that 7 million teenagers in the United States are binge drinkers.  What is the best way to eliminate teen drinking?  Wait until they turn 20.

  If you didn’t see any fireworks this year, the best way to recreate the experience at home is to pluck nose hairs.  When I go to fireworks displays, I record the “oohs” and “ahhs” so I can replay them when I have sex with my girlfriend.  And if you light your own fireworks, the safest way to light them is to have your drunken friend light them for you.  I celebrated the 4^th like my forefathers except I beat the shit out of British tourists in a bar.  I also watched Independence Day on Independence Day…it was so literal, it was like I was actually there.

  I think most women who date me would argue that all men are created equal.

  If there are any ladies out there who’d like to kiss without shirts on, just drop me an email because I’m completely normal.

  If you ever look up the word “condescending” in the dictionary, there’s a photo of an Apple user.
  

  I got a new stick of deodorant today and read the instructions.  It said to remove cap and push up bottom.  I took off my hat and now my farts smell amazing.  Speaking of farts, cellulite is caused by holding in farts which is why men never get cellulite.
  

  I quit looking at porn.  It’s sort of like reading a cookbook and having no food.
  

  People ruin relationships, not Xanga…wait, Xanga pretty much shits on everything.

  • 3:57 PM
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