July 8, 2011

• Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 7/6/11

  There seems to be four formulas for writing blogs on Xanga.  One formula is to present a situation or story and then to ask a question of the readers.  Another formula is the rant.  Some people are quite excellent with the rant and this is all they blog.  Another formula is the artistic post.  People write stories, poems, post music or post artwork that that they have painted.  The final formula is the advice column.
  The first formula isn't quite my style.  My professors in college, doctors of education, said it was great to ask children questions and let them find the answer for themselves but you need to provide guidance and not just stand back and let all hell break loose.  Rants are great and I have tried them but usually I rant when my blood pressure is high or I have had about enough of idiocracy in my life.  Art isn't my thing.  I struggle with creating anything that might be called artistic.  I think writing or comedy is my art and that has been called into question. 
  So that leaves me with the advice column.  It's simple, just like me.  I am going to attempt an advice column however I cannot do this alone.  I scoured the internet looking for a writing partner but my quest turned up nada.  I was sitting in my living room when the perfect candidate popped up.  I hope my co-author will rise to the occasion and give you much pleasure. 
  
  Ladies and gentlemen, friends and fellow Xangans, I now expose my co-author of this advice column:
  
  

  My Cock
  
  Cocky McCockburns
  

  
  Me: We started writing these two years ago and I see so many people make the "cock" joke.
  Cocky:  OH and I suppose you're going to take credit for it?  Sort of like the person on Xanga who took credit for inventing the interview?
  Me: No, but I've grown tired of not getting on the front page.
  Cocky: Oh God, Xanga envy.
  Me: No it's just that you see posts that get there where the person put absolutely no effort into the post but for some reason it makes it to the top.
  Cocky: Maybe you need to quit being a little bitch, grow a pair of balls, and kiss some ass by making friends.
  Me: But that would sell out my ideals.
  Cocky: This coming from a guy who masturbates to music videos on MTV Jams.
  Me: Anyway...Cocky, are you ready?
  Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
  Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

  

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  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I am a college student and I am a romantic at heart.  I am preparing a meal for a girl and I want a movie to watch afterward.  Do you have any recommendations?
                                          Dater in DeSoto
  Me: Well I can tell you one movie to avoid...The Princess Bride.  I watched that with a girl in college and halfway through she was talking of marriage.  At that time I was of a sound mind and was freaked out by her "proposal".  I think the best movies to watch would be in the PG or PG-13 comedy genre.  Whatever you do make sure you watch the movie before you view it with your date.
  Cocky: The movie you want to watch with a date is 9½ Weeks.  With that movie, you get dinner plus a show!  If that doesn't work try Pink Floyd's The Wall but make sure you load up your meal with morning glory seeds and also make sure if you view that one, the red wine which you use should actually be Robotussin.

  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  What do you guys do to beat the heat?
                          Hot in Hustisford
  Me: Well my strategy for beating the Heat will be to expose LeBron James.  Get him frustrated shooting and he will shut down.
  Cocky: The weather, moron, the weather.
  Me: Oh, I like to take a dip in the local lake when it isn’t flooded.
  Cocky: Yeah, it also doubles as fishing because the Godfather goes naked and the fish try to bite his little worm.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  My girlfriend is obsessed with her iPod-she listens to it while studying, eating, working out, reading, even watching TV! And she insists that she has to wear her headphones while making love to me. She claims she has better orgasms when she is listening to music. I find that very annoying. How can I get her to put away that iPod and focus on me?
                                         iHater in Ixonia
  Me: It sounds like your girlfriend is obsessed with music so it is probably futile to ask her to turn it off. Instead, buy some speakers for her iPod and say you want to listen with her. Make a playlist for your bedroom, and offer to download sexy songs for getting busy.
  Cocky: I hear those earbuds can be pretty painful when used as a whip which you should do to her because she isn't in the kitchen making you sandwiches.  She gets better orgasms when she listens to music?  Female orgasms are myths so tell her to get down on her knees.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  How many women have you had sex with?
                                           Just Asking in Jackson
  Me: A gentleman doesn't divulge such information unless it's pertinent to my current relationship.
  Cocky: "A gentleman doesn't divulge"...pussy, the only sex you're having is with your hand.  I'm happy to share.  The number of women I've slept with is the same number of decimals as pi
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  What's the best way to please a women?
                                            Pleaser in Potosi
  Me:  I once had someone tell me that the easiest way to keep women happy is to follow the three A's: attention, affection, and appreciation.  Attention should be simple.  Ask about her day and actually listen.  Ask why she hates all her female co-workers.  Appreciation is another simple one.  Tell her what she means to you.  Don't just grunt when she makes you a great meal, TELL HER!  Guys often get affection wrong.  Like Jack Black sang, sometimes you have to fuck her gently.  Hold her and tell her how you feel about her.  Chicks love it.
  Cocky: You really are a pussy or maybe you're just trying to hard to get some.  Well because women need to be in the kitchen...a new set of Teflon coated pans.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Marry me?
                                            Marriage in Marianette
  Me: Well thank you, I'm flattered but I think I'd like to get to know you or at least see your photo before we tie the knot.
  Cocky: I don't believe in marriage, but I'm capable of giving you the most memorable night of your life.
  Me: Cocky, I've noticed something about your recent responses.  You seem to have pent up aggression.
  Cocky: You really are a pussy...pent up aggression...say it already!  I'm horny.  I'm waking up every morning at sunrise and I'm sitting on a fence post if you know what I mean.
  Me: Not really
  Cocky:  Well go into your nightstand and eat a handful of those blue pills and then maybe you'll understand.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky
  How big is your dick?
                                  Curious in Cassville
  Me: Looks like I had a few questions over on the formspring waiting for me.
  Cocky: Step aside limp dick and let me handle this one.  Ron Jeremy won't stand near me at a urinal out of pure jealousy.  Lets just say Osama tried to fly a plane into it once.  My dick graduated from high school a year before I did. 
  Me: Are you finished?
  Cocky: No, Tiny...Every time I get a hard-on there's a solar eclipse.  It's so big you can ski down it.  I live in Wisconsin and get blown in New York.
  Me: That doesn't even make sense.
  Cocky: Of course it doesn't because you're packing a thumb tack.  My dick is so big that when I broke my leg they didn't put a cast on it, they just taped it to my dick.  Every porno I make has to be on a 4 disc collector's DVD.  My dick thinks the Grand Canyon is a virgin.
  Me: Oh come on, this is getting old.
  Cocky: Don't hate, I have to tell them how big my dick is.  I have to satisfy the readers.  My dick is so big that it's part of the government bailout program.  Sometimes my dick jerks me off.  My dick is so big it dwarfs Keith Olberman's ego.
  Me: Are you done?
  Cocky: I could go on but my dick apparently has cut your political beliefs to shreds.  I don't want to hurt you any more.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  Every girl I go out with seems to wait at least three dates before letting me into her pants. Is there an unspoken rule that women secretly agreed upon about dating guys? Is there a way to get her to violate this rule? And what should I do to appear less desperate to get her to put out—shag that homely but ready-and-willing broad at the neighborhood bar?
                                          Rules in Rutland
  Me: Well I don't think there is an actual rule committee and met that decided they needed three dates before they put out so they don't seem slutty or desperate.  Don't worry about it.  Just date.  Most vertebrate males have to put in work before they do the deed so just go with the flow.  You should truly get to know the whole person instead of just their genitals.
  Cocky: I think it's pretty damn inconsiderate that they won't put out after the first five minutes.  If you aren't getting any, just go to your neighborhood slut.  Don't worry about ruining your appetite waiting for the main course by eating junk food.  This is why Penny is the most popular hen in the farm.  All the other hens are so uptight about not wanting to seem like a slut so all the roosters go visit Penny.  Hell even the farmer's son visits Penny on occasion.
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  I have been married for more than 15 years. My wife and I never had children, and our sex life is virtually nonexistent. A few times in the past couple of years when we did attempt intercourse, I was not able to orgasm—I’m not sure why. We have a very loving and caring relationship, we cuddle and do things together, and otherwise get along great. Is it possible to be happily married and not have sex?
                                           Sexless in Seneca
  Me: There are plenty of sexless marriages out there and these same marriages can be very happy and fulfilling.  Women tend to miss the closeness and intimacy instead of the actual sex.  Remember the 3 A's that I mentioned earlier?  You should really apply those in your relationship and you will bring back the closeness.
  Cocky: No
  Me: Is that it?
  Cocky: Yes.
  Me: OK
  
  Dear Godfather and Cocky,
  How would you go about picking lotto numbers?
                                            Lotto Lover in La Crescent
  Me: Well the lottery isn’t something I play.  I do play scratch-offs occasionally but the big games aren’t for me.  It’s nice that some money goes to school districts but that is miniscule.  I would say just do a random guess
  Cocky: You go up to the nearest old lady, punch her in the throat, steal her purse, and then use her social security card to select your numbers.
  

  Me: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a mentally-challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
  
    And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
  Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
  Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
  Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
  Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
  Cocky : Wrong!  I'm a cock. 
  

  
  Rec or die!
  

  
  

  • 3:22 PM
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