July 20, 2011
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Motivation
My dream woman can do the splits without spilling a drop of the shot of Jagermeister she’s holding in her belly button. Ladies, I’m basically looking for someone who makes me laugh, makes me hard, or makes me a sandwich so give it your best shot.
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex that whenever I see a crack in the sidewalk I get horny.
Is this a Twilight Zone marathon on SyFy, or am I just watching FoxNews with the color off?
I’ve thought of getting one of those friends with benefits but it wouldn’t work even though the benefits part would be easy it’s the friends part I worry about.
You know what the world needs? MORE SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES!
Speaker of the House is supposed to lead the House but what’s sad is Boehner can’t even lead his own party. Pelosi has bigger balls than him.
I was told to fuck off today. How does one fuck off? Does it involve rubberbands and yoga?
Girls, if a cannibal ever asks for your digits…RUN!
I’ve found out that the waterpark is a great place for my weekly bath.
Do you ever wonder if more people would attend church if churches offered a cocktail hour before and after services?
My girlfriend asked me if there was anything better in the world than a long walk on the beach. I said, “Other than blowjobs, beer, hard liquor, porn, football, cars, and guns…no.”
I am not good at math so could someone please tell me how many threesomes I need to participate in before I have erased my ability to love.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation
I bought a new air conditioner but I don’t think it’s working properly. Are they supposed to hiss and gurgle and whisper, “I’m going to kill you while you sleep”?
They kicked me out of the casino last night because one of my testicles slipped out of my shorts. I don’t get the double standard; there were women all over the place with cleavage popping out of their shirts and not all of it was attractive.
If I was a porn star, my name would be Alan Thicke.
Because of the Minnesota state government shut down, many bars were unable to renew their liquor licenses so they were running out of alcohol. This is good news for the state of Wisconsin because our tourism slogan, “Escape to Wisconsin to get completely shit-faced” finally paid off.
So the U.S. women’s soccer team lost to Japan and this may have been the only time I’ve felt bad about a group of women choking around balls.
I think Casey Anthony is the only woman in America who doesn’t have to beg a guy to wear a condom. If she wanted to kill someone with a pacifier in their mouth then she should have went to a rave.
I was at the gas station and I found a USB key and it was filled with nude photos of a woman and some sex. I wish I knew who the woman was not because she was hot or knew how to do things I can only dream of but because of the guy. She looked like she was an excellent cook.
For some people, the best form of birth control is nudity.
I don’t know about you but I find it more fitting to wear my Juicy Couture sweatpants backwards.
Comments (38)
=D Have you ever seen the movie “No Strings Attached?” Freaken funny! I laughed all the way through it. You should check out a trailer. =)
Let’s see… well… I probably don’t make you laugh, you definitely are the funny one.
I haven’t made you hard yet, because when I posted a sexy picture of me you told me not to hide my eyes so I know I’m not someone you’d get hard for….
So how’s Roast Beef, tomato, lettuce, cheddar, mayo and mustard on whole wheat sound?
“chuckling” Now that stuff is funny.
And for some people, merely being alive is the best birth control. That has kept me from having unwanted children since 1985!
Darn that casino! I see nothing wrong with a ball drop. And why are there no loose balls at the casino here?
Ha! yes, the friends part is the worst part about friends w/benefits. I just want the benefits.
Funny stuff tonight, Matt!
I listened to Clocks. I love that song!
HUGS and thanks for the motivation!
“Other than blowjobs, beer, hard liquor, porn, football, cars, and guns…no.”
-got a really good laugh out of that one! you speaketh the truth oh great and wise celestial teacher greenbay.
I love these posts, lol.
Actually, I think the slogan is “Escape to Wisconsin to get shit-faced. Your mom did.”
I’ve been shit faced in Wisconsin, and I’ve been tipsy topsy turvy at Wrigley Field. And yes, weed was easier to get back in the day. You are a total hoot. What is this ‘sex’ thing you always talk about? I’ve forgotten.
Use to watch How I Met Your Mother and wondered if it was ever going to end with How He met the Mother!! It’s was so irritating I finally stopped watching. Love that I finally found how how it happened lol
Is that all you require of a girlfriend? Cause I can do all of that shit. ;)
You made me snort. I know snorting is not lady like when the lady is laughing. But I cannot help it. Those kinds of ac’s, btw, are being sold indiscriminately across the US as we speak. Data is sketchy at this point as to whether they are seeing through with the threat. I would suggest sleeping with a crucifix and with one eye open. Keep plenty of freon available to deter it from going after you . . . kind of an offering type deal.
Also, love that song by Arcade Fire . . . one of the best parts of “Where the Wild Things Are.” I would tell you to stay cool, but it appears that you are already too cool for school.
I don’t know how exactly fucking off involves rubber bands and yoga, but I have a few ideas…
Tolkien white guy…LOL!!
I’m sure a lot of mothers were met that way…without the money involved but too much alcohol instead.
That limeonut looks so tasty!
I didn’t know that melody from ‘Clocks’ was originally done by the Buena Vista Social Club! There’s nothing new under the sun…
For some reason the ‘Weed’ pic makes me think of the Elmo song with new lyrics:♪♪La lalala, la lalala, puff puff give…♪♪
mucho lulz
I LOL’d out loud at the otter one.
@hesacontradiction - I haven’t seen that one because I can’t stand Ashton Kutcher. I don’t know what it is but he just annoys me. It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard.
@opticalnoise - well I was transfixed on your eyes, they are so deep and mysterious so don’t give up hope…;)
@Tymedancer_is_Grannyinboxers - glad you enjoyed
@godfatherofgreenbay - hahahaha. :-p. Thanks Matt.
@Rob_of_the_Sky - well I think that has been my story since a couple of years after the turn of the century.
@AdamsWomanFell - I remember talking with a girl who worked as a change cart person at the casino and she said the worst thing she ever saw was a guy playing a slot machine and a woman servicing him right there in the middle of the casino. She said the thing that was hard to believe was that there were people on both sides and they didn’t seem to notice because they were so wrapped up in their machines.
@UR_MUSE - there’s a reason why I am single
@ArmyWife4Life2007 - thanks, glad you enjoy
@chromepoet - oh yeah, I forgot the “your mom did” part. I think that’s my mantra when I crash parties at the UW.
@jamekablue - I don’t know but I hear it’s fantastic and I’m just obsessing.
Where in WI were you shit-faced?
@NightlyDreams - I have a feeling they won’t pay off on who the mother is until the very last season. I was reading about it and they said this past season ended a year in future so it’s possible that this coming season is the season they introduce the girl with the umbrella. But, yeah, I really hate how they draw it out and I have a feeling it’s going to be a let down when it is revealed because I have a feeling the writers will try to do some sort of swerve.
@SasGal - yeah I am pretty high maintenance. Actually I don’t know how anyone could stand me long enough to be in a relationship with me. My last girlfriend was going to marry me and I never understood why.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Awww, that can’t be true!
@adventofreason - where is the pride in the craftsmanship that made this country a great place? Maybe it’s a Chinese model and it’s telling me of their plan to dominate us. The first wave was to inundate us with buffets making us all obese, the second wave was putting lead in toys, and now we are in the third wave of having air conditioners scare the bejesus out of us at night so we shut them off and become dehydrated and lose strength because of the heat.
Oh and I never saw the movie but just heard that song because of the movie. Then earlier this year I started watching a sports show on TV that I always thought was only on the radio and anyway every Friday they play that song when they come back from commercial for the last segment and the host usually sings along.
@emily_shannon - Well I would draw diagrams but I’m pretty sure some uptight people may rate my site EX
@bluepillorredpill - I think that’s a cover of Clocks, a while back I found all these covers done in that style. I always wanted to post more but never got around to it. I had an idea for an epic post but if I did that it would go against my ideals for Xanga use.
@npr32486 - mucho grassy ass
@godfatherofgreenbay - I have a toilet that hisses at me after I have the audacity to flush it. If I listen carefully enough, I can hear it’s foul plans for me. You can only imagine, due to the nature of the device, how foul the plans are.
(Is nothing sacred, dammit?)
@GodlessLiberal - I wish I had an otter who would drink beer with me.
@opticalnoise - no problem, I should tell you my theories on porn and the like
@godfatherofgreenbay - The Pokegama Inn in Chetek, also the Elks Lodge (at a WEDDING!) and the Mexican restaurant on Main street. I’ve also been tipsy in Milwaukee and Spooner. How ’bout you?
@jamekablue - hmmm never been to Chetek. I tend to get in trouble over on the western side of the state near the Mississippi. I also do a lot from the Mississippi to Madison and occassionally Milwaukee. People in a place called Fond du lac have started telling stories of times I visit that town.