July 23, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 7/22/11

  Wow, two weeks since one of these.  Not a lot is happening or maybe I just say that because more is happening in my life.  I took my cats to the vet today to get their claws trimmed.  I can't get them declawed.  Anyway they growled the whole time they were there.  It was funny.  I get them home and she goes through her regular routine of walking around the house hissing at everything.  Then I spent the rest of my day in air conditioning and didn't eve bother with Xanga.  I thought it was supposed to cool off.  I also thought this global warming thing was a hoax.  Time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Vannesa Hudgens cut her hair for a new movie called Gimme Shelter in which she plays a teenage girl who gets knocked up and is kicked out of her parents' house because she refuses to get an abortion.  WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!  This has to take place in an alternate universe where Teen Mom doesn't exist because she isn't offered money to have cameras follow her around to document her pregnancy so she can get money and spend it on everything but the baby.  It also must take place in an alternate universe where boyfriends actually do pull out after they finish the night shift at Burger King and they pick their girlfriends up to talk about math and one thing leads to another and you spend the next 9 months worrying whether or not the baby is yours because your girlfriend is a lying whore....where was I?  She cut her hair.
  
  Because Vanilla Ice is relevant he gave his thoughts on Justin Bieber this week: "I mean, I did 'Ice, Ice Baby' when I was 16. So I can kind of relate a bit. Sold over a 100 million records. And I had a weekend that lasted about three years, and I didn't know who I was, what's my purpose in life.  So my prediction about Bieber is that he's going to go through one of those weekends that lasts a few years because he's had such success as a child act.  Then something else new will come along and he'll be forgotten and he can try to put all the pieces back together, so it's going to be entertaining to watch."  Holy crap, I didn't know he was 16 when he did Ice Ice Baby.  Well I guess I was thrown because he had such a hardcore gangsta image.  The difference between Vanilla Ice and Justin Bieber is that Mr. Ice has more number one hits...1.  Sure Bieber has had numerous songs on the chart at the same time but not one has reached the top spot.  Bieber better stop, collaborate, and listen to the sage wisdom that Vanilla Ice offers.
  
  Speaking of Justin Bieber, he's finally taking all the threats against Selena Gomez by his fans seriously.  He's scared that she might get hurt so he's hired extra bodyguards to protect her.  I think the only protection she needs to worry about can be bought at a pharmacy.  It's so obvious what Bieber is trying to do here.  He's set to drop the A-Bomb.  "Hey, Selena, there's this thing my fans who are virgins talk about all the time.  It's called 'anal sex'.  You want to try?"
  
  Phyllis Diller turned 94 this week.  She celebrated by not falling and breaking a hip and reminding people that she is still alive.
  
  OctoMom was caught in lies this week when she denied saying she hated babies.  In her defense, who doesn't hate babies?  In other OctoMom news...the earth is still spinning after OctoMom was seen partying with former Rock of Love contest Angelique Morgan aka Frenchie.  Why would a star such as Frenchie be seen slumming with the likes of OctoMom?  Maybe she's recruiting her to do some pizza delivery boy porn.  OctoMom has bills to pay and 14 kids to feed.  Let's just hope she doesn't feed them pizza.
  
  They will drop the sign and the show will be called Two and a Half Inches because that's the type of humor Ashton Kutcher will bring to the table.
  
  Mila Kunis admitted that she used a butt double for the movie Friends with Benefits.  She said that she was part of the casting and they had all these models walk in and show their butts and she was supposed to help pick which one looked most like hers.  She also said she didn't feel comfy giving away her butt when she showed side-boob in the movie.  Oh my, how conservative!  It took me two months to get a b.j. from her, who does she think she is, the queen of England?
  
  All the drugs are finally catching up to Lindsay Lohan.  Her mind is so warped.  A magazine paid her to do a photoshoot and have a writer follow her around.  Some of the things the writer noticed was when they arrived at a restaurant there was an orange cone blocking the restaurant and Lindsay screamed to move the cone because she was Lindsay Lohan.  The weird thing about it is is that they actually moved it. During the meal/interview Lindsay discussed her sobriety while drinking glass after glass of wine.  She also kept trying to start drama with her sister or the wait staff....hmm she sounds like certain Xangans.  She also talked about how she studied ballet for years and was rather indignant that she wasn't offered a role in Black Swan.  If Casey Anthony can drown her daughter why can't I legally drown Lindsay?  Lindsay is also being sued.  Remember when Lindsay assaulted the staff member while she was in rehab?  The staff member, Dawn Holland, is suing Lindsay for $1million for mental, physical, and nervous pain and suffering.  She also claims that Dina Lohan offered her $25,000 not to file a report.  Does Lindsay even have a million dollars?  Lindsay will have to steal a good deal of necklaces to pay her if she wins the settlement.  Lindsay was interviewed by an Australian radio station this week and they asked her what she thought of her house arrest.  Here's what she said: "I enjoyed it, actually, as I was able to get a lot of work done from home, and it was very nice not to have to worry about cameras being outside."  I really am not kidding about that drowning bit.
  
  People are claiming that 60 year old Kirstie Alley has been hitting the clubs and picking up guys in their 20s.  They are claiming that she offers to buy them a meal and then while they are eating she says that she will get them a role in a movie and then they leave.  And because I offer grades in exchange for sex and all of a sudden I'm labeled as an unfit college teacher.  Fucking double standards.
  
  Good news everyone!  Kim Kardashian is not a vampire.
  
  Bad news everybody!  Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy because she claims they stole her image and used it to sell their merchandise.  Because Melissa Molinaro has black hair, brown eyes, and a tan, people said she looked like reality and porn star Kim Kardashian.  Kim was fine with this because the ads were run about 6 months ago but last month Molinaro started dating cheater and average NFL player Reggie Bush who happens to be Kim Kardashian's ex-boyfriend.  So now she sued Old Navy for $20million.  If Old Navy wanted Kim they would have hired Kim because the Kardashian family is a group of whores who will put their name on anything and take off their clothes if you rub a little money under their noses.  If you promise to get her on TV for five minutes you may get a blowjob out of it.  I was at the Dollar General today and saw they were selling those old school circus peanuts.  Kim should sue Dollar General because that candy is useless and orange and mostly made of wax.  She should also sue the New York City subway system because they stole her scent.
  
  If a light breeze blew on Kelly Brook, it would knock her over on her back and she wouldn't be able to get up because of the massive weight on her chest.  She's sort of like a turtle in that respect.  I think I'm in love.
  
  Jonah Hill went to the ESPYS and showed off his new body.  He dropped 40lbs.  He almost looks unrecognizable because he's no longer fat and belligerent.  He's just another victim to fall prey to Hollywood's idea of beauty.  Women like men with curves not thin men who have the hips of a 10 year old boy.  Women aren't pedophiles.  Maybe he'll be on The Office and will portray the illegitimate son of Michael Scott.  So which Jonah is hotter:  Jonah the whale or Jonah the rail?
  
  Speaking of The Office, Jenna Fischer is pregnant and this will play into this season.  I should have written "spoiler alert" first, shouldn't I.
  
  Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have ended their marriage.  They issued this statement: "We have decided to end our marriage. This was a very difficult decision. We have come to an amicable conclusion on all matters.  It is a painful time for all involved and we appreciate the respect of our privacy at this time."  Damn right, it's painful.  After seven years of marriage to JLo, Marc Anthony deserves a medal.  I've been sick of her after I typed her name in this entry.  At a concert this week, Anthony announced to the audience that he was single and everyone started cheering.  See, I'm not the only one that hates JLo.  Apparently this has been in the works for two years because Marc was caught cheating with a flight attendant.  He begged her back and they went to counseling but something happened that made them break up.  Maybe he thought she should stay on American Idol and she didn't want to hear that.  Marc Anthony is a douche but he was married to her for seven years.  I don't know, 7 years of marriage to JLo or sticking my penis in an electrical outlet.
  
  Oh look, Hayden Panettiere is smoking.  She's so hip and cool.  I guess she didn't pay attention in health class because it will stunt her growth when she finally hits puberty.
  
  Emma Watson was at the premiere for the final installment of Harry Potter when she was photographed with her double.  Well not exactly.  See the guy on the left is named Cameron Adams.  He plays a character in a porn adaptation of Harry Potter.  He plays Emma's character but his name is Himmione Gainghimin and the porn movie is titled Whorrey Potter and the Sorceror's Balls.  So Emma meets her gay porn counterpart...awkward.
  
  Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods' ex-wife, is back on the dating scene and has been spotted dating a guy named Jamie Dingman who is the son of a billionaire.  Tiger was only a millionaire and millions don't buy a private island.  If they get married you know Elin's vagina will make an old school cash register sound once the officiant says "I now declare you man and wife."  The funny thing about her taste in men is that this Jamie Dingman used to date one of Tiger Woods' mistresses, Rachel Uchitel.  Just because she dated him doesn't mean Elin can't marry him and then divorce him and then throw half of his money in her vault.  Of course Elin is dating a guy who dated one of Tiger's mistresses.  At one point I think I dated one of Tiger's mistresses.  There's only like 5 people on earth that have no connection to a woman that Tiger banged and one of them is the Pope and the others have been on a spiritual quest in Tibet for the past decade.
  
  David and Victoria Beckham posted photos of their baby girl this week.  They named her Harper Seven.  David claims they gave her the middle name Seven because that is his soccer number but we all know that he stole that name from George Costanza.  Two people have now stolen George's perfect name for his child.
  
  
  Coco was in Miami this week so that means she was in a bikini.  So modest...so demure...so pure.  Who needs talent when you're Coco?
  
  Here's a fun fact, Coco is the only human on earth that cannot die from drowning.  God bless you, plastic surgery!
  
  Remember a while back when a former bodyguard of Britney Spears announced to the media that she beat her children with a belt?  Then remember a few months later when the same bodyguard said that Britney constantly tried to have sex with him?  Remember when he filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against her?  Well a few months have passed so the bodyguard, Fernando Flores, has a new Britney Spears story.  Court documents were released and Flores says that: "Spears was mentally unstable, and personally obnoxious and demanding, requiring her staff on various occasions and for no rationally discernible reasons to address her as "Jennifer" or "Queen Bee," on other occasions, Defendant Spears would cut her hair in an erratic fashion, leaving uneven and bald spots on her head.  Spears had obnoxious personal habits, such as chain smoking cigarettes, which made her smell continually of stale tobacco.  She broke wind or picked her nose unselfconsciously and unapologetically before Plaintiff (Flores) and others and she was constantly and gratuitously loud and profane in her speech.  She did not bathe for days on end, did not use deodorant, did not brush her teeth, did not fix her hair, did not wear shoes or socks."  If there weren't any "nots" in that statement then this would have been a statement issued by the department of new information.  Britney wasn't farting at the guy because an artist like Britney uses her farts for only special occasions.  She was merely fart-synching.  Remember when music artists were known more for their music because they made good music?
  
  This is Brian Wilson.  He's a bat-shit crazy pitcher with the San Fransisco Giants.  He attended the ESPYS wearing a spandex tuxedo and ninja socks.  It's getting sort of old but he is crazy just like his namesake.
  
  Normally Lady Gaga rips-off Madonna's act but now she decided to rip-off Bette Middler and Bette isn't taking it lightly.  For a long time now, Bette has did a routine where she dresses as a mermaid and sits in a wheelchair.  Of course Lady Gaga had to do it so she rolled out onto stage in a mermaid costume while sitting in a wheelchair.  Bette took to Twitter: I’m not sure @ladygaga knows that I’ve performed my mermaid in a wheelchair for millions of people -- and many of them are still alive...Dear @ladygaga if you think a mermaid in a wheelchair seems familiar-it's because it is!You can see it on youtube 24/7-with ME performing it...Dear @ladygaga Ive been doing singing mermaid in a wheelchair since 1980-You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits-mermaid's mine...Of course Gaga's little monsters chimed in and said that Bette Middler was a disrespectful cunt who need to STFU.  I have a feeling Bette is joking about this but just in case she's not, I hope Bette throws a net over Lady Gaga and has her harpooned by one of the Deadliest Catch boats.  Also I think we need to start calling Lady Gaga, Lady Xerox because her act is nothing but copies of other acts.
  
  AnnaLynne McCord was filming a scene for the next season of 90210 at UCLA this week.  She was seen being pelted with eggs and sprayed with water.  She's a pretty good actress because that's the same face she made last year when she first saw my penis.
  
  Looks like Adrianne Curry is still doing good after her break-up and is being consoled by friends.  She posted these photos on her Twitter this week.  You know, I think we've seen everything but her cervix.  God bless the inventor of the hand bra.
  
  This is the poster for The Hunger Games movie.  Have you noticed that I'm anxious?

  I hope everyone has a cool and safe weekend.

  • 11:00 PM
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