So where do I begin?  I get a phone call at 3:30 from my mom asking me if I wanted to help her go get some things for my aunt who just got home from the hospital.  I said that I needed to get out of the house and it had cooled off.  It was actually only about 85 today.  She picked me up and said all the places we needed to go.  I filled a car with bags of soil.  I have no clue what a woman who just had knee replacement surgery needs with 20 bags of soil.  I almost had a feeling that it involved me being taken out of the family because I remember earlier in the year she bought a lot of lime.  When I got that to her house I unloaded into her shed and saw that she has more soil, mulch, potting soil, and other lawn care products than most lawn care stores.  Anyway after we picked that up, we had to go to the pharmacy to pick up her prescriptions.  My mom said she was there to pick up the pills and the pharmacist does the lawful thing and shows my mom all the pills, which I don't understand..."Hey you dullard, this is what your pills look like.  Hope you don't mistake them for candy."  "And this is the Vicodin." DING DING DING DING...what?  They just handed my mom a large prescription of Vicodin.  You mean I could just go in and say I'm there to pick up pills and hope I'm picking up Vicodin?  I have a new summer project.  I then walked to the next door liquor store.  The place was brand new because you could smell paint and varnish.  I found a nice assortment of Four Loko and blueberry wine and my favorite beer, Hopalicious.  Then my mom says we may as well get supper and I was thinking light but she insisted on going to a Mexican restaurant.  After that she needed to get my aunt some supplies and I bought myself some new sheets.  We also had to pick up Culver's for her.  Culver's...mmmm.  Get everything to her house and I was surprised I didn't eat all the Culver's custard.  Then my mom and her are talking and I doze off.  Next thing I know it's 9 and my mom says that it's time to go.  We get home and my mom asks me if I would water her plants.  It's 9:15 and I can't see anything.  So I'm just spraying my house everywhere, sort of like when I have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee.  I get the hose back and she thanks me and hands me a box of Nerds.  I get home, prep for my celebrity round-up and come to Xanga.  Once I post this, I'm going to christen my new sheets and eat some Nerds.  If only there was innuendo in that last sentence...sigh.

1.  Do you read The Onion?  If you don't know what The Onion is, it's a newspaper that was originally based in Madison, WI at the U.W. that was an excellent satirical newspaper.  Now it's a massive enterprise.  They have some pretty funny articles.  This is the first article I ever read.  Anyway, I came across a tumblr that had real headlines that read like they were from The Onion.

2.  There was a website that sprouted up called Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes.  It was geared to get The Onion a Pulitzer Prize.  Well it didn't happen and ever since the Pulitzer Prizes were awarded the site has gotten very interesting.

3.  Sometimes The Onion can read like it is real.  If you don't know what The Onion is, you can get very confused.  Of course, with the rise of a certain social networking site that rhymes with mace look, people are getting really confused with The Onion.  Here is a site that is devoted to posting some of those confusions.  I don't blame people for getting confused, even FOX News has been fooled by The Onion.

4.  I caught this story on another Xangan's site and I can't remember your name now...sorry...it's about a live action movie of a comic book character that I'd never in a million years thought would be adapted.  I for one am quite anxious.

5.  The folks at Black Acre Brewing Co. offer a nice product but to view their website you need to be over the age of 21.  For shits and giggles, click that link and say you are under 21.

6.  I have been sitting on this one for a while but it's a fun site that has been collecting votes for the most hated athlete in pro sports.  I'm actually sort of surprised as to who is number 1.

7.  For those of you who didn't know, Pauly Shore is a close friend...ok, so maybe not close but he did accept my facebook request and I'm pretty sure he's stolen some of my status updates.  Well if you want to work for the Weasel, click here and you can learn how you could be his assistant...that is if I don't win.

8.  Do you have a catch phrase?  Is that your final answer?  Winning!  Anyway, here's a list of the most played out catch phrases. 

9.  I don't think we need to state the obvious here but Saved by the Bell was the greatest show to ever air on TV.  Well here are some facts about Saved by the Bell that you may not have known.

10.  According to Rotten Tomatoes, here are the worst 25 current movies.  I'm surprised I haven't seen any of those.  There actually are a couple that I would be interested in seeing.

11.  I once was a horrible cook but then I took time to read a cookbook and started to get a knack for it and over time I've become quite excellent if I say so.  Well if you aren't a good cook now, check out this site called Cooking for Assholes.  It will help.

12.  Just in time for Shark Week, you can watch sharks at the Atlanta Aquarium.  It's supposed to be 24 hours but I've found that they don't always broadcast at night.

Why, yes, Coco, I finally understand what you mean when you claim it burns when you pee.

The sequel is called "Stayin' Alive: Argentina After Hours"

The first little pig made his house out of straw.  The second little pig made his house out of sticks.  The third little pig made his house out of bricks.  The fourth little pig made his house out of his brothers and now he's living in a white padded room.

And then get congestive heart failure and diabetes.

Look, I swear it's really mayonnaise.

I was thinking of adopting this but I'd probably get sued but then I could sue them for stealing my name and making a movie about my life.  Oh well, they'll just have to enjoy my nude pics.

I was going to say something funny here but I have nothing so you get to look at tattoos.

Looks like he really does enjoy Popeyes.

Her cleavage isn't showing much loyalty.

So the story behind this one is that a group of guys had a fantasy football league and the person in last place had to get a tattoo and this was the loser's tattoo or should we say winner's tattoo.  I really do need to invest in a laser removal clinic.  I'm also thankful there's an NFL lockout so I won't be drawn into fantasy football.

Oh yeah, she's a star.  Here's a interesting fact: she is a model at the local planetarium.

How special!  I would too but you don't see me tattooing it on my body although maybe I should.  It would be good advertisement and probably help me get over this dry spell.

I bet his "famlee" is proud of that work.

I wonder if he gets money or discounts for those tattoos.

If you can't make it out, it's one of the songs from a Legend of Zelda game.  I tried playing that game and doing that tune but I guess I'm not far enough in the game.  Does anyone still play N64?

I feel his pain. 

Wait 'til she sees my death star

Hey, I get it!  I can have a 10 inch dick too if my ruler on my leg wasn't to scale.

"Fra-geel-lee"...must be an Italian tattoo.

I always thought Jesus was perfect in all aspects.  This certainly can not be the Christ I have learned about.  He looks like something Picasso might have doodled on a bulletin in church. 

Meat Curtains???? Get it????  I am sort of understanding the cobwebs and broken glass but the fly, what is up with that fly?  Oh now I think I get it but then I never get "it".

More meat curtain tattoos.  This is just too scary for even me.

Yeah I sort of compiled this one.

1. Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
I would hope they would use both to cleanse the pores and then they'd have to liberally apply the turtle wax to get a nice shine.

2.  Would you ever have plastic surgery?
No but as I age I'm considering lipo or because I'm lonely I was thinking of getting lipo and ribs removed.

3.  Describe to us what you wear when you sleep.
Well I usually wear a pair of gym shorts and a smile

4.  Can you roll your tongue?
No but I'm looking for a wife who can

5.  What did you dream last night?
I think last night was the first time in a while that I didn't dream

6.  Do you think the media sensationalizes things? (i.e. Casey Anthony)
Of course they do all in the name of ratings and not innocent until proven guilty

7.  Are you racist?
As if anyone will answer this question...no, I'm a lot like Crayola

8.  What is the best way to begin a conversation with a member of the opposite sex?
Nice shoes, where did you get them?

9.  What type of porn is most enjoyable?
The type that doesn't make me cry because it makes me feel alone

10.  Do you think illegal drugs should be legalized?
Some.  I think we should legalize crystal meth, LSD, and crack but forget weed, that stuff is a gateway drug.

11.  What was your easiest course in school?
It was social studies and religion.

12.  What was the most difficult course for you?
Latin but once I got the hang of it...look out.  I also hated science courses

13.  What was your favorite course during school?
German, Russian history, a class about minorities because this one kid made me laugh and every time I think of it I actually laugh out loud...he said that he understood the sufferings of African Americans because he was a waiter at Denny's

14.  Would you rather be known for saving 500 people’s lives or being the sexiest person in your town?
I'd like to be known for saving the lives because then girls may find that sexy and I could save a girl's life and trick her into marrying me.

15.  Would you rather have an alarm clock that woke you by dousing you with ice water or one that shook your bed violently?
ice water because then I'd get woken up and have a bath all in one shot.

16.  If you could fly, how would you fly? (i.e. fairy dust, wings, cape etc.)
There was this one time in grade school when we were having track practice and I was staring at my girlfriend's butt and of course I became engorged.  There is a point to this.  I was wearing a pair of shorts and my dick didn't want to stay in place.  I was called to run and my dick made it's way out and started flapping around like a helicopter.  So...helicopter dick.

17.  If your body odor was a food scent, what would that scent be?
eggs benedict and chicken kiev

18.  What is the strangest food you have ever eaten?
see I don't think any food is strange but people cringe when I talk about eat caviar or alligator.  I think the thing that grosses people out the most is eating a raw deer heart after I killed the deer.

19.  How many pets have you had throughout your life?
4, 3 cats and 1 dog

20.  What do you do when you receive bad service at a restaurant?
I will sit there all calm and not tip unless it's bad food.  I'll tell the waitress that it was bad and I'll tip her because it wasn't her fault.

21.  Do you enjoy the smell of your own farts?
No, this evening I learned that Italian sausage and gnoochi are a lethal combination

22.  Have you ever popped another person’s zits?
No, some things are sacred

23.  Have you ever let another person pop your zits?
No, out a guy popped one without asking me.  I was in high school and the guy came into my dorm room.  I was sleeping shirtless on my stomach and had one on my shoulder.  That was a hell of a way to wake up.

24.  When was the last time that you got dressed up in formal attire?
two Sundays ago

25.  Why did you get dressed up in formal attire?
I went to church and didn't want to feel like some sort of fake Christian who wears jeans and t-shirts to church

26.  When showering, what body part do you wash first?
My left arm

27.  Who was the most beautiful teacher you ever had?
This is nearly impossible for me because my kindergarten teacher was in her 60s, preschool teacher in her 70s, 1st and 2nd grade teacher had an afro, 3rd and 4th teacher was sexist because she hated boys, I think in all my high school years I only had three female teachers one was a drunk, one was a man-hater, and the other was 500lbs and farted in the middle of class.  In college I had a piano teacher that was decent but I hated piano so no go.  I think the only teachers I'd consider beautiful were the T.A.s

28.  Why haven’t you made out with @godfatherofgreenbay yet?
My lips can't be inverted

29.  What is the strangest talent you possess?
I drink liquids quickly

30.  Do you parallel park or drive around the block hoping extra spaces will open up?
Because I drive an SUV and find it difficult to parallel park it I drive around or I just find a place where I can park and walk

31.  Which shoe do you put on first, the right or the left?
Left

32.  List one thing that all your ex’s have in common.
They all wore the same perfume

33.  Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe hunting?
Snipe hunting is the best, I retired from cow-tipping.

34.  Do you think of @godfatherofgreenbay before you fall asleep?
I think about things I want to post or say but never do

35.  Has anyone written a song or a piece of poetry about you?
the closest I've had is someone gave me a mix CD where every song was supposedly about me

36.  Have you found anything disgusting in your parents’ bedroom?
I found my dad's drug paraphernalia and condoms.  I would've said porn but for some strange reason he kept it in cardboard boxes in my closet.

37.  List any nicknames that you have been given.
Tank, Wurm, Tiny...that one hurts

38.  When was the last time you played air guitar?  What was the song?
Today, "Free as a Bird" by The Beatles

39.  What is the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
Let a friend urinate out of the passenger window.  I almost crashed because I was laughing so hard.

40.  How many drinks does it take for you to become drunk?
I haven't really tried this but if I keep up a regular pace then it could take about 20 to 30.

41.  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
42 and don't even argue

42.  How often do you clean out your ears?
Every day, I need something to do to keep me occupied while in the bathroom

43.  Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
I had nasal problems when I was a kid and the doctor looked up my nose and said, "Well here's your problem." He pulled out a balloon.

44.  Have you ever stuck a foreign object in your ear?
I had to be taken to the emergency room to have an orange seed removed

45.  Describe for us your most embarrassing situation.
A friend and I went with my parents to visit a high school I planned on attending.  It was a private school and my parents told us to be on our best behavior.  My friend and I took that to mean that we had free reign to be asses.  We were at Pizza Hut for lunch before our scheduled tour and my friend and I started acting like we were wrestling...throwing fake punches and elbows.  Well he threw a punch at me and I started acting like I was knocked out and I staggered and fell into a door.  I fell into the fire exit and set it off.  Everybody was staring and then the cops showed up and then the fire department.  Then there was the time I was in football and one of my teammates who was a freshman was complaining of having a hurt finger.  He thought it was broken so I said, "Let me take a look." He held up his hand and I blurted out, "Holy shit, dude! No wonder your finger hurts, it's missing."  He was born with only 4 fingers.

46.  List any phobias that you have.
I'm not looking up the terms but I fear birds and spiders and spider-birds.

47.  If you had to shove anything up your butt that was round, what would it be?
An alien probe because it would mean that I'm special. 

48.  Have you ever urinated or defecated in your pants?
There was this one time when I was playing football in high school and it was about 10 degrees.  The temps dropped unexpectedly and I was out there in my uniform.  Pee was the only thing that kept me warm that game.

49.  Is it OK for a grown man to admit he enjoys Coldplay?
Never and not even Coldplay cover songs

50.  What is your go to name when you forget someone’s name? (i.e. bud, man, chief, etc.)
Man, dude, guy, fella

51.  Have you had your wisdom teeth removed?
I had them removed when I started high school which would explain why I did so many stupid things.

52.  Do you whip your hair back and forth?
not the hair on my head

53.  Describe the outfit you are currently wearing. 
blue semi-mesh gym shorts

54.  What would you do if the person you were kissing had bad breath?
Keep on kissing...it's been too long to care.

55.  List 4 celebrities with whom you would like to have carnal relations.
Olivia Munn, Ellen Page, Zooey Deschanel but I don't know since she is a vegan and considers human beings to be animals and she can't swallow anything that comes from an animal, Sarah Silverman, Angel Melaku

56.  Do you currently feel like someone is watching you?  Why did you just look over your shoulder? 
My cats are staring at me.  I looked because my new air conditioner is talking to me again.

57.  What is your beverage of choice?
Honestly, I've been drinking so much water but I think my go-to drink is surprisingly not alcohol but root beer.  I love a good root beer.

58.  Name three material items that you currently wish you owned.
I've been craving a boat.  I also would love to have one of them 3D TVs.  I'd also like a wife.

59.  How many car accidents have you had?  How many moving citations have you incurred?
I have had 5 accidents, 4 involved deer.  I have been pulled over for a loud stereo and was pulled over for going too fast because a guy sped up when I tried to pass him and the cop saw my and blocked me from exiting my car at a gas station, he read me the riot act and let me go.  I got a written warning for doing 55 in a 25, I told the cop I was excited because I finally had access to my accounts after having my identity stolen and the cop also knew I contributed a substantial amount of money to the police department.

60.  What is your favorite sound?
Probably "Dark Side of the Moon" or geese flying over my house in the morning as I go to school

61.  What is your favorite scent?
Women, gasoline, and that perfume

62.  What is your porn star name? (first name= first pet’s name, last name= street name where you currently reside -or- first name=your middle name last name=first pet’s name or some combination))
George Mechanic or Edward George

63.  What is your Star Wars name? (first name=first 3 letters of your name and the first 2 letters of your middle name, last name= first 2 letters of your mother’s maiden name plus the first 3 letters of the name of the town where you were born, honorary title= reverse the last 3 letters of your last name add the make or model of your first car you owned or drove then write “of” and the name of the last medication you took)
Mated Slhil, Respontiac of Zinc

64.  What is your favorite social network?
That one with the kid from Superbad, the fidgety kid who was also in Youth in Revolt.  I think it was called The Social Facebook Movie.

65.  Would you ever want to date @godfatherofgreenbay?
He's pretty much a jerk so no

66.  Please describe your body.
I am fat, out of shape (well I guess that is redundant if I said I was fat), undersexed, balding, glasses, haven't shaved in a few days, hairy chest but not Magnum P.I. levels of chest hair.

67.  Why did you do this survey?
Because people told me I should write one and then I thought that I had better fill it out so that other people can see how enjoyable it is

68.  Did you feel awkward answering these questions?
Yes, because awkward is my middle name.  Actually it's not but it does rhyme with awkward

69.  Why do you love @godfatherofgreenbay?
because he buys me things and gives the best handjobs

Bernie is coming for you.

Only when he leaves Milwaukee

Well when he leaves Milwaukee next season he won't field because he'll be a DH and bloat up just like his father.

Thank you to a certain Wisconsinite who reads this site.

That's pretty much what's going on.

My dream woman can do the splits without spilling a drop of the shot of Jagermeister she’s holding in her belly button.  Ladies, I’m basically looking for someone who makes me laugh, makes me hard, or makes me a sandwich so give it your best shot.

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex that whenever I see a crack in the sidewalk I get horny.

Is this a Twilight Zone marathon on SyFy, or am I just watching FoxNews with the color off?

I’ve thought of getting one of those friends with benefits but it wouldn’t work even though the benefits part would be easy it’s the friends part I worry about.

You know what the world needs?  MORE SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES!

Speaker of the House is supposed to lead the House but what's sad is Boehner can't even lead his own party. Pelosi has bigger balls than him.

I was told to fuck off today.  How does one fuck off?  Does it involve rubberbands and yoga?

Girls, if a cannibal ever asks for your digits…RUN!

I’ve found out that the waterpark is a great place for my weekly bath.

Do you ever wonder if more people would attend church if churches offered a cocktail hour before and after services?

My girlfriend asked me if there was anything better in the world than a long walk on the beach.  I said, “Other than blowjobs, beer, hard liquor, porn, football, cars, and guns…no.”

I am not good at math so could someone please tell me how many threesomes I need to participate in before I have erased my ability to love.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation

I bought a new air conditioner but I don’t think it’s working properly.  Are they supposed to hiss and gurgle and whisper, “I’m going to kill you while you sleep”?

They kicked me out of the casino last night because one of my testicles slipped out of my shorts.  I don’t get the double standard; there were women all over the place with cleavage popping out of their shirts and not all of it was attractive.

If I was a porn star, my name would be Alan Thicke.

Because of the Minnesota state government shut down, many bars were unable to renew their liquor licenses so they were running out of alcohol.  This is good news for the state of Wisconsin because our tourism slogan, “Escape to Wisconsin to get completely shit-faced” finally paid off.

So the U.S. women’s soccer team lost to Japan and this may have been the only time I’ve felt bad about a group of women choking around balls.

I think Casey Anthony is the only woman in America who doesn’t have to beg a guy to wear a condom.  If she wanted to kill someone with a pacifier in their mouth then she should have went to a rave.

I was at the gas station and I found a USB key and it was filled with nude photos of a woman and some sex.  I wish I knew who the woman was not because she was hot or knew how to do things I can only dream of but because of the guy.  She looked like she was an excellent cook.

For some people, the best form of birth control is nudity.

I don’t know about you but I find it more fitting to wear my Juicy Couture sweatpants backwards.

Class, I have to say I am quite pleased with your recent assignment.  You all get a gold star and 100% and a smiley face sticker.  You will also be given money for the school store where you can buy Cheetos because we all know that the best way to reward academic success isn't praise, it's junk food. 

Rob_of_the_Sky, I thought I told you to go to the principal's office.  Get that finger out of your nose and get to the office.

Here's your next assignment:

Make sure you clearly state the books and how they impacted you.  You may say something like "Fight Club" impacted me because it taught me to think that not everything is as it seems.  Good luck and get to work.

My books:
1.  "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk   I saw the movie first and then read the book.  It was an awesome adaptation; I think the best book to movie adaptation ever.  After I read "Fight Club" I became addicted to Palahniuk.  I have read all his material.  "Fight Club" isn't my favorite book but it did introduce me to one of the best current American authors.

2.  "Kick Me" by Paul Feig   This guy was one of the creators of Freaks and Geeks and a few of the storylines from that TV show came straight from Feig's life.  I remember reading this book when I was teaching and thought, "God, this kid was bullied" but the funny thing is, he never really complained.  He made something of himself.  I love Feig's other book "Superstud".

3.  "Friday Night Lights: A Town, a Team, and a Dream" by H.G. Bissinger   I love football and this book pretty much captures my love for football.  There was a movie based upon this book and of course the greatest TV show of all time is based upon this book.  I loved reading this book when I was coaching football although I never had any of the problems that occur in this book.

4.  "Fahrenheit 451" by Ray Bradbury   I remember reading this book in high school and the teacher who assigned it tiptoed around the political aspect so it felt weird but I cam to that conclusion on my own.  It really moved me and

5.  The Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder   The first time I was introduced to these books was when I was in 1st grade and out teacher read them aloud to the class.  The books aren't what you'd call literary classics but the ease in reading makes them memorable.  Even though Wilder isn't the greatest writer in the world, her descriptive writing is what brought me back to these books.  She was writing for her blind sister to make her remember those past vibrant colors.

The heat...the heat...the heat...it is sapping my energy.  I barely have enough strength to keep one eye open and type with one finger.  At 10PM, with the heat index it felt like it was 100F even though the thermometer said 85F.  I woke up and it was hot.  I went to church and it was cool actually.  They keep the air conditioning on in there and they keep it low because I think a lot of the people are old so we are trying to prolong their lives.  I don't know what that is supposed to mean other than my brain is sweating and not functioning.  I was the last one to leave church today because we had a meeting and I made sure everything was locked up.  As I was shutting the main doors I saw a Harley round the corner by the church.  The female passenger on the back saw fit to show me her breasts.  I appreciated her effort but it was too hot to do anything about it.  I went home and sat in front of a fan and tried to stay cool but it was difficult.  It was so hot in my house that my asthma started acting up and I couldn't inhale.  I then get a call saying I had to go pump gas for my mom because even though she has lived all these years on earth she doesn't know how to pump gas but then this is the woman who said she didn't know how to use a garden hose.  Ugh...I go out in the heat and am sweating like someone turned on a water faucet on my skin.  I pump the gas and then realize I have to go pick raspberries.  The only good part of picking raspberries was that I got about 6 cups worth but the bad part was the heat got to me and I think I fainted.  All I know was that I fell and was woken up with a friend dumped a few buckets of cold water on me.  I came home and sat in front of fans all night.  I'm thinking of checking into a motel for the next week. 


Even though they lost to Japan, they won my heart's world cup.  Once this heat wave breaks...better invest in hand lotion stocks.

I love watching women's soccer with all the dirty innuendo that creeps in...she loves headers....wait that isn't dirty.  My brain is sweating.

Maybe I'll start following volleyball.

I am looking forward to football mostly for the cold weather and the Badgers domination of the Big Ten or whatever the hell it's called these days.

Yeah, this is the real reason why I watch Packers football.

I wonder what the fine is for not collaborating and listening.


You know there will be a storyline in an upcoming season of Dexter regarding her case.

Fucking idiots.
How's that for predictable?

So apparently I'm predictable.  I read that in a comment today when one fellow said he had nothing against me because I'm Christian.  Another person replied that I was predictable.  I don't understand what that has to do with my Christianity but for confusing the hell out of me I blocked him.  Anyway, look at these cats. #caturday

Aww...what a pampered pussy!

OK so the title says "Cat barks like dog until it's caught".  My cat, Kiki, barked when she went into heat.  I am glad I had them fixed not long after that because there was no way I could go through that again.

Have a great rest of your weekend and stay hydrated.  See that wasn't predictable.  I don't usually remind people to stay hydrated.

I am exhausted but I can't sleep.  I hate this feeling.  My dad came home this evening because the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong but they ruled out his heart.  My mom was pretty upset but then she finds something wrong with everything.  Nothing pleases that woman.  She is always so negative but I have to agree that the service at the hospital was lousy.  I think it's because it was a Catholic joint and we're #Lutheran and they're still upset because our boy exposed their sale of indulgences being a crock of shit.  Time for links before I create new Xanga drama.

1.  Have you ever started a sentence with the phrase, "I'm not #racist, but..."?  I've said that a few times myself but never on facebook so I haven't been featured on I'm not racist, but.  Oh ignorance, you are so funny.

2.  Have you ever started a sentence with the phrase, "I'm not #sexist, but..."?  I've said that a few times myself but never on facebook so I haven't been featured on I'm not sexist, but.  Oh ignorance, you are so funny.

3.  I've come to enjoy this site called Sorry I Dropped Your Baby.  It looks at childcare from the aunt/uncle/godparent point of view.  And because I find that site funny, I will never have kids.  Well that isn't the only reason but I'll make that site the scape #goat.

4.  I've been seeing signs all over the place around here advertising something called Harry Potter Adventure.  A local historical society has decided that kids no longer care about history so they are converting their historical re-enactment village into a Harry Potter re-enactment village for a day.  You know I'll probably end up attending or driving by and hurling insults like "You are all muggles." 

5.  People think there's too much Xanga drama.  Earlier this week, former baseball player and drug user, Jose Canseco, posted his ex-girlfriend's cell phone number on Twitter along with a message telling people that she'll trade sex for pot.  The Miami Herald confronted #Canseco and he said he'd do it again and wasn't sorry.  Well the Miami Herald took the high road in this matter and posted Canseco's phone number.  I hear if you give him drugs he'll give you home runs.

6.  My last Caturday post featured a photo of a cat asking "What part of carnivore don't you understand".  That got me thinking about cats' diets.  #They need meat and so I was shocked to see a website offering vegan cat food.  Is there nothing they won't ruin with veganism?

7.  I found this epic crank text message on CrankTexts.  I've had texts come through like that accusing me of cheating but they always turned out to missdial.  I want to shake the hand of the guy that has broke up all those relationships or do I?  He's probably a walking #STD.

8.  So there's this movie #out about friends with benefits.  Here's a handy guide on how to have one of those type friends.  I think I'm too old for something like that.

9.  Remember how Courtney Love had a Twitter and she got in trouble for things she posted so she quit?  Remember how #CourtneyLove had a facebook and she got in trouble for things she posted so she quit?  Well Courtney Love is back in a social network and this time she went to the most crafty social networking site...ESTY.  Here's her site.  I hope to hell she starts selling things.

10.  When I was in college, a few of my friends and I would make Simpsons references whenever something would come up.  It was always #natural and never forced.  Yes I know this makes me sound like a gigantic nerd and you know how to defriend and block me so there.  Every once in a while when I go out and about I will see something that reminds me of The Simpsons.  Well this author went to Costco and found 11 Simpsons references.  Some were forced but from now on whenever I go to Walmart I will put ranch dressing with the hoses.

11.  And while I'm on the topic of The Simpsons, here's a site that released some leaked drawings from Film Roman of Simpsons characters as characters in Pulp Fiction.  #I really dig Milhouse's mom as Mia Wallace.

12.  I'm not much of a fan of religious billboards along the highway because I have yet to hear of a successful conversion.  "Hey, I'm a motorist driving along this highway and I have no purpose in my life and what's that a billboard with Jesus and Bud Light?  Looks like I'm going to have one last hurrah before I give my life over to Christ."  Here are some very unfortunate Jesus billboard locations.  I was referencing #7 because I was thinking I've seen that one in #Minnesota but maybe that was a church advertising above a Miller Lite billboard.

I am so eager for the NFL strike to be over but I doubt the Detroit Lions are anxious because those Random Girls will demolish them once again.  The NFL players' union must be stopped.  Where is the Tea Party outrage?

Our girls are going to win some World Cup this Sunday and Hope Solo will do it looking all hot.  I wanted to say "I'd love to have her swat at my balls" but I'm not into that pain stuff.

Yes, our girls are going to bring back the world c cup.

Finally someone made Tumblr make sense for me.

Yes, I completely understand #Tumblr.  Maybe I'll have to quit Xanga with this new-found knowledge.

They really are running out of Mountain Dew flavors.

I'm not sexist but that's stupid.

Casey Anthony jokes will never die despite her attempts to smother them with #chloroform.

Even without a foreskin I can fap...probably too much.

Thanks for reading.

Well I haven't done one of these in a while so here are some questionable #tattoos and some of these are #NSFW

Maybe this one isn't so bad as it is questionable.  Who am I kidding?  I'd love a Shatner tattoo, especially one of him when he performed "Rocket Man" because I'm a hipster like that.

I wonder if the tattoo artist is to blame or if they were just complying with the customer's wishes.  I wonder if anyone is working on a tattoo spell-checker. 

I think people should seriously use spell check or grammar check before they get a tattoo.  Is the tattoo artist to blame?  No, the artist simply follows instructions...sort of like a Nazi.

His brain is full of shit.

Hey, that one Xangan would be upset because it looks like you're trying to chop your Cox.  I liked that manager but I don't think I'd get his drunken image tattooed on my body.

Novel idea but not properly executed.  I guess I shouldn't criticize this tattoo because James Harrison may call me a fag.  You know they make those Terrible Towels for the Pittsburgh Steelers in a town in Wisconsin?  Yeah, us Packer fans don't need to wave hankies around, we just wear cheese on our heads.

Well, that's debatable.

I wonder how she'll explain that to her children.

You know I've always wondered about those character tattoos.  I've always had a feeling that they say things like that.

HAHAHAHAHA!  I guess there are tattoo fails in English as well.

Well that's swell.  I just hope it isn't blue and yellow.

Looks like @Rob_of_the_Sky got himself a tattoo or maybe he should get this tattoo to have have Weird Al follow him on Twitter.

Truth in advertising.

Hey, I caught her at the right angle.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA  How cool is it to see a tattoo of the Pythagorean Theorem?  Well it is for nerds like me.  Actually I hated geometry and only passed because I was in football. Strangely I also did poorly in Algebra I but I aced Algebra II.  FREAKY!  Geometry class was a blast because I got to sit next to the hottest girl in my class all year.  Thank you God and thank you faulty brain.

Mathlete+(nattylitex30)-(inhibitions)= this tattoo.  I was trying to solve for a but I no longer do algebra. 

Give peace a chance or at least a flaming dagger stabbed through it.

Proof positive that crappy tattoos work against you. 

I have nothing witty to say here.

I am a pure athletic specimen which is why I could model bowling products.

You know those balance wristbands?  They release negative ions from the body and dollar bills from the wallet.

I was watching some Little League the other day and I heard the coach tell a few players to go shag the balls.  That got me thinking, where did the term “shagging balls” originate?  From my studies it was Catholic priests who coined that phrase to desensitize young boys.

The reason why insurance companies are the main corporate sponsors of baseball is because they figure that people of color wielding big sticks will sell their product faster.

Kids who once played football to try to make it to the NFL are now reading law books to be the true stars of the NFL…lawyers.

I think Inception is real and whoever is doing mine is extremely perverted or maybe that’s just me.

Have you ever farted so hard it set off a car alarm?  Have you ever farted and it smelled so foul that it made Casey Anthony’s trunk smell like roses?

So apparently the DMV has the right to refuse to issue licenses to people who aren’t citizens but shouldn’t they also refuse to issue licenses to people who can’t drive?

I was reading ESPN today and saw that the Minnesota Timberwolves fired their coach Kurt Rambis which made me ask, “Kurt Rambis was the coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves?”

I heard a woman in Texas gave birth to a 16lb baby this week.  Doctors said that the baby and mother are doing fine but they didn’t know when she’d be able to walk again.  I sort of picture pushing a watermelon through the neck of your favorite turtle neck.  Try it sometime, I guarantee that the turtle neck will never fit right again, but it will shrink if you wash it in hot water and then through it in the dryer.

The Republicans cost the Wisconsin tax payers about $500,000 for fake Democratic candidates.  Where is the Tea Party outrage?

And now for your weekly dose of #motivation:

So I haven't really been around her for the past few days.  I slept in on Saturday and did work around my house.  I was supposed to take my dad to dialysis but because I had been doing a lot of work for him he decided to give me a day off.  Ha...such a joke.  Anyway he allowed me to have a day off and to do work for him at his house.  Sunday I was beat and it was hot so I just laid in front of a fan most all day.  Monday I took my dad to another doctor's appointment to check to see how his eye surgery was progressing.  I guess the doctor said it was looking decent but my dad still has to go back for another exam sometime in August.  Anyway we tooled around up there and I had to go all over the place looking for things for my dad.  Then I came home and rested because I had to take him to dialysis.  I want to visit some friends but I had to run errands for my dad and my aunt came along and wanted to visit a few places and get things before she has surgery.  Anyway it was about 30 minutes before my dad's dialysis appointment was over.  I was in the lounge waiting and I could hear him talking and figured he was almost finished.  Then all of a sudden I see two paramedics walk in with a gurney.  I knew right then and there that it was my dad.  Yep, a nurse came out and said he was complaining of chest pains and having a hard time breathing.  She said he wanted me to take him home but I said no and he's going to the hospital.  I call up my mom and she rushes down and we sit in this emergency room for like 3 hours trying to figure out what is going on.  The doctor said something like he didn't have a heart attack but he may have had a heart attack and that my dad was a high risk factor because he has diabetes, kidney disease and is a smoker which my mom didn't know and you could see she was thinking of wrapping around the IV hose around his throat.  They were running all sorts of tests and couldn't figure it out so they decided to ship him to a large hospital in Madison.  I didn't go to Madison because before they transported him my dad gave me a list of errands I have to do.  How can I be a concerned son when I'm nothing more than a servant?  My mom called and said they hadn't seen a doctor yet.  Well maybe if I have time tomorrow I'll go down there.  All I know is that if he needs a heart transplant I will refuse to give him mine.

Update: I can't believe I didn't include this in the original post.  When my dad was laying in the ER, there were other trauma patients being examined.  There was an old man across the hall who had been brought in because he was severely constipated.  I couldn't help but eavesdrop because the nurses were trying to calm him down because he was screaming that he wanted to go home.  Apparently they tried an enema and it didn't work so they had to take extreme actions.  The old man started screaming, "JESUS CHRIST!  STOP IT!  NO MORE!  RAPE!  RAPE!  RAPE!"  That went on for about 15 minutes and then I hear a nurse yell, "Don't lean back because there's poop everywhere."  Sheets across a door entrance do not give a person any privacy.  Today was nuts, I drove down to Madison with my aunt.  Of course my mom didn't want me to get there until after he came out of surgery which was ridiculous because he was so drugged up that most of the time I was there he was asleep.  And of course I hit rush hour traffic.  It was so horrible and it was weird because the rush hour traffic was leading into town and not out.  I was sitting on the beltline across from one of the TV stations.  I honked my horn hoping it would disrupt the news broadcast.  It didn't work.  The only thing honking in rush hour did was make more people honk and tell me that I'm number 1.  I get to the hospital and valet park because it's free and I'm too lazy to find a parking space.  I go up to my dad's room and he's sleeping.  My mom screams at him that we were there.  He wakes up and says, "OK" and then went back to sleep.  We sat around in his room which was ice cold but the air unit was putting out hot air.  I got up and walked around and was sitting in the family lounge watching people cross the street to get off the hospital campus so they could smoke.  It's funny because someone set up an empty coffee can on the corner for cigarette butt collection.  I put my shoes up on the air unit and then all of a sudden I smell something burning.  I looked at my feet thinking I am on fire and then all of a sudden the lights shut off and emergency lights come on and the fire alarm goes off and a mysterious voice announces that there is a code red and we must proceed to leave via the stairs.  I am sitting there and there's a 10 year old kid who asks me, "Mister, what should we do?"  I told him to stand by the stairs and I went to the nurse's station to find out where we should go.  The nurse says to exit via the stairs and get as far away as possible from the building.  I asked her how serious it was and why did they lock the door to get into my dad's unit.  She told me to evacuate.  I turned around and there was a janitor carrying a fire extinguisher.  I was dumbfounded.  The kid looked panicked so I started going to the emergency exit.  I look out the window and there is the Madison fire department.  As I open the door for a few other people I hear the janitor say don't worry it's taken care of.  A nurse was toasting a bagel, left it unattended, and it went up in flames.  I laughed and went back to watch the fire trucks and people evacuating.  Then once the alarms went off and doors opened I went to my dad's room.  The doctor came in and said that he didn't have a heart attack and his heart was normal and there were no blockages but they didn't know what caused his chest pain.  I guess that is good news.  They are going to keep him another day and give him dialysis and monitor his heart while he has that done.  My dad did say that the best part of being in the hospital was he had a great view.  The way he was positioned in the bed, he could see the capital building.  This last week has been exhausting.  I drove home and stopped at Denny's.  Nothing like fearing a parent had a heart attack by eating at Denny's...Philly Cheese Steak Omelet?  Philly Cheese Steak Omelet!  I got home about an hour or so ago and now it's time for bed...well watching a little Friday Night Lights before I fall asleep.  Friday Night Lights is by far the greatest show on TV and it's hard to believe that the last episode will air this Friday.