August 6, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 8/5/11

  So with the news of a credit downgrade I'm thinking I need to move but I haven't settled on a country.  Anyway I have nothing to say so it's time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  This is Tom Aldredge.  He is best known for playing Carmella's father on The Sopranos and playing the lead role in the stage production of On Golden Pond.  He passed away this week at the age of 83.  He had a lot of small roles but whenever I saw him in something I recognized him because of my obsession with The Sopranos.  He will be greatly missed.
  
  Former NFL player and actor Bubba Smith passed away at the age of 66 this week.  His playing career is probably most memorable in that the fans would chant "Kill, Bubba, Kill" when he took the field.  He is probably best remembered for his role of Hightower in the Police Academy movies.  Bubba will be greatly missed.
  
  This is Annette Charles.  She is best known for her role in Grease as Cha-Cha DiGregorio.  She passed away this week at the age of 63.  She had mostly TV roles and TV movie roles.  She wasn't a well known actress but her role in Grease will make her memorable.  I looked up what she did when she wasn't acting and apparently she was a speech professor.  I know I have explained how it seems like celebrity deaths occur in patterns of three and maybe I'm just stretching it a bit this week.
  
  Bam Margera celebrated the life of his friend Ryan Dunn who passed away this summer by tattooing his image on his body.  I usually say that portraits are a no-no for tattoos but that one isn't too bad. 
  
  I was really excited to see Selena Gomez this week.  Shut up.  It's been a long time for me and the slightest things set me off such as the first sight of female flesh.  Shut up!
  
  Samantha Ronson was busted for DUI this week.  She was pulled over for speeding at 10:30 in the morning and the officers smelled something fishy, which isn't out of the ordinary for her, so they gave her a field sobriety test and she failed.  She was taken to the police station and given a breathalyzer and she was over the legal limit so Sam got booked.  She is pretty stupid because driving drunk goes against the entire drunk experience.  You get drunk to feel mellow and driving while drunk just stresses a person out...not that I know.  Another reason she is stupid is because in California when you get busted for DUI you have to take a mandatory alcohol awareness class.  Chances are she's going to end up sitting in the same class with her former lover Lindsay Lohan.  Her mugshot looks straight out of Faces of Meth.
  
  Rihanna was spotted celebrating in Barbados this week.  It looks like she is having fun simulating anal sex on a tropical island.  America, we should put aside our differences with other nations, get drunk, and have anal sex with people of all nations.
  
  If you were thinking that Octomom liked sex because she had a lot of kids, well you are dead wrong.  Apparently she'd rather get intimate with a needle instead of a guy.  In this magazine she talks about her first marriage and how she didn't have sex and doesn't like sex: "I can tell you that I never touched him physically. It was a different type of marriage.  That's all I want to say about it. I'm the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don't need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don't .. I have zero sexual interest.  And in the spirit of sharing more than you'd probably ever want to know. I've never even touched myself in that way. Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. It's like a trigger food. I never tried it so I don't know what I'm missing.  I couldn't even imagine kissing something. I'll be your friend but it would take at least five years for me to even consider having sex with you."  When I was in Lutheran high school and studied the Old Testament the teacher made a joke about Onan and said that most churches taught that masturbation is the "do it and die rule" because Onan rubbed it out.  The teacher said, "Come on, if that were the case then the only people on earth that wouldn't be struck down dead by God are probably a small enclave of nuns."  I guess he can add Octomom to the list.  I couldn't image that kind of life but of course I'm living it.
  
  President Obama turned 50 this week.  What can you get a guy who runs the free world?  A good credit rating?  Legalized marijuana would be great.
  
  This is a recent photo of Nicole Kidman.  I didn't recognize because the last time I saw her she was nothing more than a red-headed skeleton.  She's looking pretty good now and no, not because she's blonde but because it looks like she's put on some weight.
  
  I'm a mark for the Batman movies and you can image the erection I had when I saw these photos from the set of the next Batman.  If you want to see more, click here and here and here.
  
  Last week I wrote about how Morrissey took time to say that the massacre in Norway was equal to the animal holocaust caused by McDonald's and KFC.  Well people didn't take too kindly to his words so Morrissey took time to clarify what he meant: "The recent killings in Norway were horrific. As usual in such cases, the media give the killer exactly what he wants: worldwide fame. We aren't told the names of the people who were killed - almost as if they are not considered to be important enough, yet the media frenzy to turn the killer into a Jack The Ripper star is .... repulsive. He should be un-named, not photographed, and quietly led away. The comment I made onstage at Warsaw could be further explained this way: Millions of beings are routinely murdered every single day in order to fund profits for McDonalds and KFCruelty, but because these murders are protected by laws, we are asked to feel indifferent about the killings, and to not even dare question them. If you quite rightly feel horrified at the Norway killings, then it surely naturally follows that you feel horror at the murder of ANY innocent being. You cannot ignore animal suffering simply because animals 'are not us.'"  Basically he's say, "Why, yes, I am an idiot."   I was reminded last week that if Bono had said that he would be praised and given a Nobel prize which is sadly true.  I don't get why when Morrissey says it he's an idiot and when Bono says controversial things he becomes Irish Jesus.  Just so you know, I hate Bono.  Anyway, I think Bono and Morrissey should go gay for each other but there is no way they could be in the same room because no building on earth could house both of their massive egos.
  
  Miley Cyrus sent this out via Twitter.  No, she's not showing the world that she needs nail cream but that she got an equal sign tattoo for marriage equality.  I have a feeling that Mickey Mouse is raging.  I don't think it's for marriage equality.  I think she's a closeted math fanatic.  If Miley really wanted to draw attention to gay marriage rights then she would have skipped the attention whore tattoo and got into a inflatable swimming pool filled with Jell-o and wrestled Taylor Swift and then they'd start ripping their clothes off and then they'd end up making out.  Oh they better make sure that the Jell-o is sugar free because no one is an advocate of fat rights.
  
  Miley Cyrus was also spotted out enjoying the weather with her puppies.  Gosh, I love me some puppies.  They're so cute, big, fluffy, round, and feel like bags of sand.  I also see Miley is an advocate of smoker's rights.
  
  Mel Gibson made the claim this week that he has been sober for 5 years.  He said the last time he drank was in 2006 after he was arrested for DUI and made the infamous "sugar tits" comments and his whole act was parodied on Law & Order.  You know this is sort of scary.  He wasn't drunk when he made all those phone calls to his exgirlfriend, the ones where he said she'd be raped by a pack of racial epithets.  He probably celebrated his sobriety by doing shots with his friends and I can just hear it now, "Hey, bartender, another round and this time don't be so Jewish with the tequila." 
  
  Here's a little something for the ladies because I've been getting so many requests for more Larry King.  I hear that the reason he divorces so often is because he has a gigantic penis.  This is also why he can only have sex with women over 6ft 6in. tall.
  
  Lady Gaga was interviewed by Rolling Stone and she opined about Amy Winehouse: "It really affected me quite deeply," she said. "Isn’t it strange to say ‘She is,’ and now I have to say ‘She was?’ I’m just really glad that we got to admire her and tell her how much we loved her when she was alive. I hope she knows now in Heaven, where she is, how much we all loved her.  But she was really the best of all the young artists that I met in the current scene in the last 10 or 15 years. She was really singing true jazz. It’s just too tragic. I wanted to talk to her and tell her that if she doesn’t stop she’s going to die. I wanted to talk her out of the drugs, but unfortunately I never had a chance to talk to her.  She’s really special. She just gave me a lot of hope and she deserved a lot better than what people gave her. And I hope that the world learns a lesson from this. I really hope they do. Because it’s not her lesson to learn – it’s the world’s."  See that there...she tried to help Amy.  A self-confessed drug addict was going to help another drug addict.  She tried to help her.  What, was she too busy gluing unicorn horns to her head and cutting off bat wings to glue to her face so she could use them as eyelashes?  Maybe she was trying to use Inception to get inside the mind of Madonna to see if there was anything else she could steal.  I'm just glad she found her way in front of a microphone to tell people how she felt about Amy Winehouse after Amy had died.  Lady Gaga is a true humanitarian and in true humanitarian fashion she's going to capitalize on the death of Amy Winehouse.  She has approached movie studios about playing Amy Winehouse in a movie about her tragic life.  I can't wait since Lady Gaga does such a good job acting like Madonna, David Bowie, Marilyn Manson, and Grace Jones on stage.  I bet she'll be a natural pretending to be Amy Winehouse.
  
  I've defended the Kings of Leon when they battled the heterophobe creator of Glee, Ryan Murphy, but now I don't know if I can defend the Kings of Leon or should it be Queens.  Last weekend the lead singer quit in the middle of a show because he was too hot and needed to go have a drink.  So while ALL THE FANS STOOD THERE, he was carted off the stage.  The audience waited but the band never came back on.  Two members of the band came out and told the audience to hate the lead singer and not the rest of the band.  One of the band members sent this out via Twitter: "Dallas, I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. There are internal sicknesses & problems that have needed to be addressed. No words.  I love our fans so much. I know you guys aren't stupid. I can't lie. There are problems in our band bigger than not drinking enough Gatorade."  Well those bigger problems forced the band to cancel the rest of their tour.  They claim that the lead singer is suffering from vocal exhaustion.  So that's what they call being a douchebag these days?  Today's rockstars are pussies.  Iggy Pop has to be 80 years old and he's still performing and would perform in the middle of a volcano.  Heat...that's nothing to Iggy.
  
  This was some shit sent out by E! to have people celebrate Kim Kardashian getting married.  The wedding will be a two night special on E! and will be nearly 4 hours long.  I have a feeling that the wedding special will be longer than the marriage itself.
  
  You know, those Scientology rituals keep getting stranger and stranger.  I thought the barley water was bad, now it's barking at raccoons.
  
  John Legend is quite noticeable.  It's almost like he's done that to his girlfriend Krissy Teigen before.  Gosh, I hope they don't participate in premarital sexual intercourse!
  
  This is Jeremy Jackson.  He's come a long way since Baywatch and then being a meth addict and then Dr. Drew's phony rehab and then a steroid addict and then Dr. Drew's phony rehab for a second time and then thinking that plastic bottles cause bisexuality.  This is something for the ladies and to get you to stop drooling and to make you say "Awww" he did some stripping with Chippendales for charity...all together now...AWWWW.
  
  Hugh Hefner tweeted this photo of himself doing the latest crazy, planking.  Wait a second.  Oh OK, he has a pulse.  Just checking.  I thought he was dead for a second.
  
  SO we go from Hugh Hefner planking to someone he used to plank.  This week Holly Madison won the Beautiful Humanitarian Award from the North American Hairstyling Awards.  The awards show was held in Las Vegas.  Where else?  America, look closely.  Are you looking?  THIS IS WHY THE REST OF THE WORLD HATES US!
  
  Helen Mirren, who is 66 years old, won Body of the Year from L.A. Fitness.  The second place vote getter was Elle MacPherson, who is 48 years old.  Were they polling retirement communities?  Where is Brooklyn Decker?  Where are the girls you can have sex with and not worry about breaking their hips?  Oh who am I kidding...fap fap fap.
  
  People are claiming that George Clooney is now dating Stacy Keibler.  What is Stacy Keibler famous for (other than being the heiress to the Keebler cookie fortune)?  She was in the WWE and was on Dancing with the Stars.  It seems George is picking out someone with a lot of talent.  Others close to Clooney say this isn't a relationship but it's just for fun.  Stacy better not be thinking of marriage.  And if you click on that link, Joel McHale will have an orgasm.
  
  A few weeks ago I reported how the National Enquirer released a story about how Chris Hansen was busted in a sting operation cheating on his wife.  Well this week another mistress stepped forward and said she was sad because she thought she was the only whore in Hansen's life.  This time the mistress is named Kathleen Collins who is a stripper/aspiring country singer.  You know, I wish that were my job title.  The National Enquirer has photos of the two embracing and kissing.  I'm upset with Hansen.  He made a living busting guys who wanted to have sex and now he's gotten caught twice cheating on his wife.  How can this guy hide in a pantry of a house to catch a pedophile but he can't successfully cheat on his wife?  The police should tackle him and take him to jail because he really does give cheating man-whores a bad name.
  
  TMZ showed photos of the happiest family reunion ever.  Charlie Sheen and his estranged wife Brooke Mueller reunited last weekend briefly.  They said that they are going to take things slow.  I hope that means that they are going to gradually increase the amount of coke they snort.  The look of their faces is the same look of methed-up addicts who wander the Walmart parking lots looking to trade their children for cash, antifreeze and sudafed.  TMZ has also reported with photos that the first episode of the next season of Two and a Half Men will indeed be a funeral for Charlie Harper.  A lot of people will guest star and there will be a raunchy funeral and then Charlie's house will be put up for sale.  The episode will feature potential buyers coming to see the house such as real-life celebrities and stars from Men co-creator Chuck Lorre's other series, with Ashton Kutcher among them. However, he will not be the rightful owner of Charlie Harper's digs by the end of the premiere episode, with the storyline expected to be extended into Episode 2.  A year ago Charlie Sheen was the highest paid actor on the highest rated show on TV.  Then he did a bunch of drugs and moved in a bunch of whores to his house one of whom he tried to kill and he was fired.  He's untouchable much like a ghost and if there's anything I've learned from Ghost Hunters it's that you need nightvision goggles to see ghosts and ghosts don't have teeth so I guess Charlie Sheen is covered.  Looks like drug abuse does pay off.
  
  Casey Anthony was spotted in Ohio this week.  Why am I reporting this?  Well it's just in case anyone from the Justice League or Avengers reads this blog.  Is it me or did she get implants?  Maybe she just bought a quality bra because those prison bras aren't that flattering. 

  Video Section:
  Taylor Swift covered an Eminem song in concert and believe it or not it wasn't that bad.
  
  I hope everyone has a swell weekend.

  • 8:23 PM
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