August 17, 2011
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Motivation
I was asked to grade President Obama’s job performance. I gave him an AA+. The silver lining in our downgrade is gold. Obama was right when he said change would come to America because my 401K only has some spare change left in it. I have a question for the next GOP debate: if President Obama said that drinking strychnine was bad, how many of you would advocate drinking strychnine? If you said “Yes” here’s a glass of strychnine, get to work.
Colt McCoy has reached out to Brett Favre to ask Favre to be his mentor. Favre’s first bit of advice, “Get rid of all your cellphones.”
When I talk about watching The Office, a lot of people will say they are most like Jim or Pam but in truth most of us are like the drunken redhead.
I bet there’s a deleted scene in Toy Story where the kid strips his toys naked and pretends the dolls are having sex with each other. That is normal, right?
Substitute teachers are awesome except if you are homeschooled and your sub is your drunken uncle who insists on taking you to the VFW war museum.
I was at a hospital recently and they had Bibles in the waiting room. I opened it up and thought it was one of those red letter editions. Turns out someone just went through and marked it up with a red crayon.
15 minutes of exercise a day may add up to 3 years on to your life…minus all the time you spend exercising of course.
Underage smoking is at its lowest level since 1991. The only reason smoking has dropped off is because kids can’t afford cigarettes.
The iPhone 5 will debuted on September 7th and as of September 8th all people who have an iPhone 4 or lower will be considered a loser and people with iPhone 5s will be the new generation of pretentious assholes.
The sale of luxury items rose 19% last month but that’s only because gas is now considered a luxury item.
With all this talk about Los Angeles potentially getting an existing NFL team to relocate, why is no one asking why New York City doesn't have an NFL franchise?
A recent study says 83% of Americans who spend the day with their family crave an alcoholic drink by the end of the day and the other 17% are already drunk.
Studies show that teen pregnancy numbers drop significantly once girls are no longer teenagers.
The NFL has decided to stream all the preseason games online in HD. Now you can sit at home and watch fans leave after the 2nd quarter in high quality detail.
Have you ever thought that the Food Network spends more money on hair products than on food?
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
Ladies, when a guy tells you that he loves you it usually means “I’m horny” or “I really like that thing you do with your tongue.”
I was going to write a list of things I wanted to accomplish today but I couldn’t find the note pad. Not to self: buy paper.
Since when did the “E” on the gas gauge not mean “enough”?
Why do girls bother asking if guys want to have sex? Is it a trick question?
With all the years of constantly being criticized I can now eat an entire pizza without shedding a single tear.
I think I’m going to fall in love with the next girl who’ll have sex with me or give me a cake with my name on it. You know, whichever happens first.
The best part about having a big penis is that I can please women but the worst part is that I can’t wear tight jeans.
I was set up on a blind date. I called her on the phone and she said her idea of a perfect date was a hotwing eating contest. This may be the best night of my life or the worst night of my life.
I had a can of Milwaukee’s Best. I’d hate to imagine Milwaukee’s Worst.
Remember when America was a bastion of technological advancement and we produced some of the greatest innovations to mankind? Now all we produce are reality shows with Kardashians.
I was recently in Barnes and Noble and loved how they redid the sections although I feared going to the “Teen Angst” department.
Saving your virginity for someone special is like holding in a dump for a special toilet.
I don’t like hair on anything I eat. ANYTHING!
Ladies of Xanga, I am now wearing a pair of sweatpants, no shirt, and a snakeskin belt. Your sexual fantasies may commence in 3…2…1…
Awww…the Malaysian mafia blocked me on Xanga and Twitter. I’m so sad.
Xanga addiction is a lot like meth addiction just without the nasty scars.
Every time you recommend this post an angel gets its wings.
Comments (73)
Oh, there's scars. Mostly from realizing that Curtis and Loborn are the same person.
Oh damn. Harrison Ford in that picture is so good-looking. Oooo la la.
WHOA. Sweatpants, no shirt, and snakeskin belt? That's a deadly combo of ultimate sexiness there.
There's an overload of sexiness in this post. I don't know if I can handle it.
I always felt terrible leaping off of Yoshi's back and letting him plummet to his doom. Then hanging out with his identical twin later on like nothing happened.
@bloggicus_maximus - I still have suspicions that it's someone else. My latest guess was that she was Jenn from Datingish.
I saw the picture that said "Futility" and thought it said "Fatality"
@Cestovatelka - I watched Witness and always question how people couldn't see he wasn't Amish. He was too good looking to be Amish.
It's the cheese bra, right? There used to be a shop at the Madison airport that sold just cheese items. Bras, cheesehead tri-hats, cheesehead baseball hats, ties, can holders, footballs...it made me cringe whenever I saw it.
@GodlessLiberal - I loved how Mario World was so diverse and how Mario got along with Yoshis of all colors but he still used them for his own gain.
the sign a woman is holding up, "Cut taxes, not defense" is priceless. hahaha. what the hell does she think pays for defense? oh yeah, cut taxes for everything but defense. cut taxes for roads, infrastructure, education, etc. and there will be nothing left to defend.
Hey
, I'm a pretty fuckin good chess player actually! 
@TheSutraDude - She sounds so obviously brain dead but they continue to put forth similar theories on FOX, just tonight I saw them. If they keep that link really fuzzy (which apparently isn't too difficult to do in the minds of many Americans) then that sign might even make sense to some; it's tragic.
@lovejennyy - You have Mortal Kombat on the brain. Maybe it's time to step away. I just found my SNES copies of 1 and 2. I love how in 1 on SNES they don't bleed and there's sweat coming from them. I haven't figured out how to do the fatalities on that one because it's been a long time.
@TheSutraDude - I never quite understood the logic of people wanting tax cuts for themselves and for the super rich. Where do they think the money comes from? Do they think we just print money and it's money?
Favre has never wanted, and will never want, to be anyone's mentor. Anyone that thinks any differently can take their sunshine-and-rainbow-filled world and shove it.
I've always felt most like Meredith, just minus 25 years and blonde.
I don't understand why the homeschool sub ISN'T awesome. FACT: Boyf just bought a condo less than 2 miles from a VFW. Related fact: I have wanted to hang out at that VFW for MONTHS.
Fact 3: Harrison Ford will always be sexy. Always.
Snakeskin belt, you say? Hmmmm . . .
Consider another angel to have gotten his/her wings.
@Diva_Jyoti_3 - lol...well I guess generalizations are just that. I know I suffered through blond jokes after my friends saw my childhood photos. I was blonder than you up until I turned 9 or 10 and then my hair went dark and currently it changes shade.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Yes, that is ABSOLUTELY what WAY too many people think. "We're out of money? Print more!!!" You assholes, those are pieces of paper and chunks of metal; they mean NOTHING until we have some valuables to back them up.
Not to get all political here, but GOD, I hate stupid people. (These tend to be the same types that say, in April, "The government gave me money!!!" when they get a tax return. Hello, Einstein, that was YOUR money to begin with & the government just got an interest-free loan off of you; PLEASE learn how our society works & comment when you have more than 2 brain cells rubbing together.)
@GodlessLiberal - bahahhaahahaahaha.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl - I loved when Cam Newton brought up how he was interested in having Favre as a mentor. I laughed and thought that he must not want to go far in this league.
Truth be told, I really dig Meredith.
Well my war museum tour wasn't because of homeschooling but was from a drunken uncle who thought I needed to learn because my dad was a "bleeding heart pussy". I didn't learn much about war but I did learn that alcohol does more to a person than make them drunk and I also learned how to make and enjoy a Manhattan.
Snakeskin belt bought at Parson's Trading Post.
The angel thanks you.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Well, I knew it was a blonde joke, not to worry. It wasn't a very good one though, I've heard a lot of really good blonde jokes!
also regarding the toy thing. totally used to do that. my one ken was a fucking pimp.
I really like Jay and Silent Bob! So.... I don't know much about economics except that without money, I can't pay for rent, food, and children. Now I had my children during the Clinton years and I hate to sound like such a "Kennedy was a goddamn saint" person, only with Clinton, but things were good and we could afford the two kids we had....even if they were accidents. I did the responsible thing and was "fixed" so as to not have kids when I couldn't afford them. (I hear the Catholic backlash in the background). I went to school, became a nurse and broke my back working during the nursing shortage and saved countless grandmas and grandpas from breaking a hip because they refused to let me help them and knocked the crap out of me when I tried to help them to the bathroom. Grandma can be pretty mean in Alzhiemers state. Now... the medical condition is no ones fault and had I known it would disable me so bad, I would have chosen a less physical job, but we didn't, I became a nurse and now I had to retire and need my social security disability to help provide for me so I can go back to college and get a sedentary job. What freaken Republican has the balls to stand up and say they will support me because I worked hard, paid my taxes and did a job that no one else wanted to do, but they wanted their grandparents taken care of? I lost my entire retirement before Obama was even elected. I spent my savings on medical bills so I can provide for my family. It pisses me off that the very people who expected excellent care for their grandparents won't even shell out 33% of taxes to help me out. Nurses don't get paid shit because it's pretty much charity work. We do it out of the kindness of our hearts. Why won't people who still have their jobs give a little too? Consider it charity that doesn't have to last. We can put time limits on these things. Please tell me there is a Republican out there willing to do the same, because I'm not seeing one whose sticking up for us? Romney was my pick and he even pissed off a little old guy at the Iowa State Fair and got heckled for it. Check the Youtube videos! (Sorry for the rant, but I do feel better now. =)
@godfatherofgreenbay - i know. they are often the first and loudest to complain about the pothole on their street as if there are people out there somewhere who are supposed to fix everything for them free of charge. talk about a sense of entitlement.
@Diva_Jyoti_3 - it's terribly tragic. it's destroying the fabric of our society and FOX is right there feeding them propaganda. i'll never forget when maybe 6 months ago the FOX talking heads went on for a day claiming a billionaire from the middle east was funding terrorist organizations. they were probably trying also to tie him to Obama but i don't remember. turns out the guy is the second biggest shareholder in FOX's parent company. oh that was hilarious. they shut up in a hurry. typical though of their fact checking process. come to think of it by investing in FOX he's probably doing more harm to this country than any terrorist could dream of.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl - oh god, my stalker is that way with his tax return. "I got money from the government and I have to go spend it right away." Now try saying that with your tongue hanging out of your mouth and that's how the guy sounds when he says it.
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas - My G.I. Joes ran trains on the female soldiers.
@TheSutraDude - I am feeling a bit more encouraged and optimistic about Americans following the outcomes in WI, and especially tonight. If they can just recall what's his name (the gov. I'm blocking his name, he's evil) that will really send a message that the tea party protest is on it's last legs.
@godfatherofgreenbay - I mostly like Meredith just because she KNOWS who she is & isn't afraid to admit to it in front of ANYONE. It's like she's constantly giving people the middle finger, but with a small grin on her face.
@hesacontradiction - I think my mom votes Democrat because of how anti-healthcare the Republican party has become and not in the free healthcare for all sense but the industry or more like the people behind the industry especially nurses and the researchers. My mom lamented at how medicine suffered from advancing under the Bush years because of tight regulations. The weird thing I've been hearing is that Paul Ryan wants to see if he can run for President. He's the one who wants to cut and privatize Social Security and he's also the one who received Social Security payments from age 16 to 18 because his father died.
@Diva_Jyoti_3 - Scott Walker. i agree. the overall recall results are encouraging. the Koch brothers and others poured a lot of money into the republican campaigns but the people won. the approval rating among Americans of the tea party is in the shithouse according to polls.
@hesacontradiction - "It pisses me off that the very people who
expected excellent care for their grandparents won't even shell out 33%
of taxes to help me out. Nurses don't get paid shit because it's
pretty much charity work. We do it out of the kindness of our hearts.
Why won't people who still have their jobs give a little too? Consider
it charity that doesn't have to last. We can put time limits on these
things. Please tell me there is a Republican out there willing to do
the same, because I'm not seeing one whose sticking up for us?"
What are you TALKING about????? Are you saying that those who make over a certain threshold are supposed to be WILLING to give 1/3 of it (their earnings) to fund charity programs?? Guess what: According to our Founding Fathers, charities were ALWAYS supposed to be private and voluntary; paying for others due to government mandates is NOT charity, it's a form of taxation. Furthermore, lawyers (save for a select few) don't get paid shit, either, but we still had to pay A LOT for our degrees AND everyone hates us. Why don't people that DIDN'T get a degree in an over-saturated field just give each of us a few bucks toward our student loans? I mean, honestly, do YOU want to contribute a few dollars toward some sort of law school loan repayment fund just because a few hundred thousand people didn't fully think through their choice/commitment?
@godfatherofgreenbay - Either way, the system is fucked up no matter how you look at it.
Mario betrayed Yoshi only to end up between a Goomba and a hard place. #karmaftw!
I want an angel to get it's wings!!!!
I used to have Barbie "play" with G.I. Joe when I was but a girl!
A cheese bra!!!!! That's SO gouda!
I listened to Tom Waite as I read!
Thanks for the motivation, M.!
HUGS!
It is totally normal to put your toys into, ahem, interesting positions.
I never owned g.i. joes. just barbies. I remembered feeling so cool cuz I had a black barbie when everyone else only owned the blonde white barbies. God what a fucking nerd. lol.
I will say this, all my barbies were married to ken...OH MY GOSH MY BARBIES WERE PART OF A CRAZY MORMON COMMUNE!!!!!
Gas is a luxury there too? Man here things are unbearable considering gas prices, among many other things of course! I forgot how fun these posts are! Cheers!
Tremendous! It's 6:30am, I got nothin else.
Why do girls bother asking if guys want to have sex?Is it a trick question?
If you're a single girl, you ask the guy. If you're married, you figure the answer will always be no and decide to have a hershey bar instead. Or a beer.
Speaking of which...that's the reason why I've always referred to it as 'Milwaukee's Beast". Perhaps the batch that spawned the signature flavor was judged to be a step up from drinking out of the toilet. A small step, but still...it was better than the last two dumpsters full.
@Rob_of_the_Sky - I never understood why a mushroom was a Goomba, shouldn't that name be reserved for Mario and Luigi? Maybe they were just referencing all the mushrooms used in Italian cuisine.
@AdamsWomanFell - glad you enjoyed, you know guys up here would love cheese lingerie, I think it's time to head to the laboratory for designs.
@opticalnoise - I suppose it is. I got out my G.I. Joes when I was 13 or 14 and this was after I saw my first porno and I "wrote" my own pornos with my G.I. Joes. I can't believe I was so perverted back then...wait, things never changed.
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas - hahaha...did you have them all wearing ankle length dresses?
@ccRowp - I wrote to my senators and congressman and asked about gas prices and none of them gave me an answer. I asked if they were stupid enough to believe that allowing these high prices wouldn't have a negative effect on the economy or if they were just being paid off by the oil companies to rape the American public's bank accounts. People have to face decisions, do I buy food or do I buy gas to go to work? I was going to take a summer job but it probably wouldn't pay off because I'd be spending so much on gas that I'd barely break even. And of course food prices are going up because of transport costs. I can't believe the governments are just allowing this but then they are sharing in the record profits of the oil companies.
@thesoftlights@blackhk - thank you...I appreciate the read and comment and the fact that you aren't blocked out because of content. A while back I went to a library to use their computers and I could log into Xanga and my inbox but I couldn't bring up my own page. It was so sad.
@ZombieMom_Speaks - I think it got the nickname "Beast" because of the bitter after taste when drinking. I know it always made me cringe and make a face that made me look like some 1950s movie horror creature.
I loved that episode of Chapelle Show with the Samuel Jackson Beer with the music from Curtis Mayfield playing in the background.
Nintendo made it up to Yoshi by making him the main character in the sequel: Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island. Loved that game!
I haven't used FireFox in almost two years and I hate IE. I've been utilizing Google Chrome since.
Reality shows is one of the reasons I stopped watching T.V. I realized I could save money by turning off my cable and watching any show that came on it online for free.
@bluepillorredpill - I should try Chrome. I hear people swear by it so maybe it's time for an upgrade.
I never played Yoshi's Island, I may have to look for that.
I learned about sex because my older sister put her barbies in interesting positions when they were in "their" house.
@SasGal - I always knew there was some shenanigans going on in Barbie's house.
Oh god, the cheese bra. CANNOT UNSEE. x.x
@godfatherofgreenbay - I never understood how walking into a mushroom kills Mario and Luigi.
I wanna be part of the other 1/2. Which half? I gotta go. *cricket
@godfatherofgreenbay - you're definitely still a pervert. And yes, they wore ankle length dresses and referred to each other as sister wives. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! gross.
There's something strange in the neighbourhood. Who ya gonna call? Godfather
Youse a very witty guy and yet you're German. I don't get it ... and that's half my trouble.
I think all my barbies slept together when I was little. If it's not normal I don't know what is.
I now dread sept. b/c of the iphone 5. I actually have the 3gs and am regretting the purchase. They make you get the internet package with those phones and now I have an extra 15 dollars a month to pay for my cellphone. I also have an addictions to pushing app. buttons just to see what's up.
Great post.:)
The thing about the cigarettes - totally true.
Man, if I spent anymore time with my family...it wouldn't be good and no alcoholic drink wouldn't save me. Lol
Unfortunately, I don't know much about economics except that I did take a class in it in high school...
Yeah, well, I am wearing a shirt and a blanket. Match THAT for sexiness. I know you will probably be hard for hours. Want some cake?
This was a cruel read! Unlike capitalism, I appreciate this.
@carolinavenger - There once was a store in the Madison airport, first thing people saw when they got out of the standby area, that sold only cheese products be it the cheeseheads, cheese ties, cheese bras, cheese can coolers, and actual cheese, but after 9/11 they changed up the layout and the cheese store went away. It must have been a matter of national security not to sell cheeseheads.
@Rob_of_the_Sky - I assumed that the mushrooms were toxic or had fangs and bit them.
@BenelliMan - well I'd like to be the top half because then I'd be able to see and talk but then what is the point of life if I don't have my junk.
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas - hahaha...thanks, I think I wear that title well.
@Sir_Sparrow - if there were more Germans like me then I think there wouldn't have been a couple of wars.
@NightlyDreams - yeah I hate that you have to pay those extra charges. I remember my company had a sale where phones were a penny but you certain ones you had to pay an additional $20 a month because they had internet.
Do you sell iphones?
@Willowshollow - thank you, glad you enjoyed
@emily_shannon - not that I care because I don't smoke but it is shocking because I can remember when they were like a $1 a pack.
@Hinase - oh man my high school economics class...I can't remember a thing other than the term "paradigm shift". I also remember drawing all sorts of charts.
@adventofreason - I like cake.
Current attire: black sweat shorts, braided chest hair, one Walmart velcro lowtop shoe.
@windoftheforest - glad you appreciate my cruelty
You had me at braided chest hair. I would love to braid your chest hair for you . . . with my teeth.
@godfatherofgreenbay - I just remember it being very boring. Lol
@godfatherofgreenbay - yes we do sell iphones but only with a contract and only with the data plan.
i've noticed some of the cellphone companies on my way to work have buy one get one frees advertised.
Comments are closed.