August 20, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 8/19/11

  ♫It's the most wonderful time of the year!♫  That's right it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.  The high school football season kicked off tonight and I went out to see a couple of games but it didn't last long because I ended up at a Walmart and then a Mexican restaurant and then exhausted at home.  I think I wore myself out because I kept thinking of something and I was so focused on it.  That reminds me I have to take care of something.  Anyway Friday night high school football kicked off and that means in two weeks college football will kick off and about a week after that the NFL kicks off.  Football on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  ♫It's the most wonderful time of the year!♫ On to the round-up

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Here we see the Kardashian Klan at some sort of event.  They are blowing kisses to their adoring fans.  So does anyone know if syphilis or chlamydia are airborne diseases?
  
  Taylor Momsen announced the saddest news of all this week.  She is retiring from acting.  So what exactly did she give us?  How the Grinch Stole Christmas?  Gossip Girl?  Well the producers of Gossip Girl claim they won't kill off her character but they will hire a new actress to replace her.  They will get a wild raccoon and slap a blond wig on it to take over Taylor's role.  In the same interview Taylor claimed that while she is on tour, she doesn't have much time for cleaning.  She also said the only beauty products she takes with her is her black eye shadow.  So she only has time to make herself look like a raccoon but not enough to shower.  EVEN TRUCK STOP HOOKERS HAVE TIME TO WASH BETWEEN JOHNS!  She's 18 now so imagine seepage and imagine that has been encrusted in vinyl pants and fishnet stockings and crotch sweat from all her concerts every night of the week for weeks on end.  Are you still imagining?  Good, if you still want to have sex with her I'd consider going out and rubbing battery acid all over your genitals.
  
  Tara Reid got married last weekend rather unexpectedly.  On Saturday she announced via Twitter that she became engaged and then a few minutes later she announced that she was married.  She even tweeted a photo of her ring.  The best tweet: "Just got married in greece I love being a wife!"  Oh Tara, how long before we see a tweet saying, "Just got divorced in dominican republic I love being an ex-wife!"  Why the Dominican Republic?  Because whatever happens in Greece gets a quickie divorce in the Dominican Republic.  Originally sources were saying that she married a Danish businessman named Michael Lilleund.  Tara had to take to Twitter to clarify that the name of her husband is Zack Kehayov.  Not much is known about this guy other than he married Tara Reid.  See I can see a problem with this and that maybe Tara rushed into marriage if people don't know the name of the groom.  He sounds like he's foreign sort of like a guy whose entire knowledge of American culture comes from bootleg DVDs.  He probably just found copies of American Pie 1 and 2 and thinks that she's still a big star and she will propel him to fame and fortune.
  
  Seal was spotted at the beach with his wife Heidi Klum this week.  He seemed to be enjoying the surf, sun, and sand and potato salad.  Whew...I'm so happy.  Now a question for the ladies, do you like Speedos? 
  
  This week Miley Cyrus was inducted into the bowling hall of fame.  All I have to say is, "IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!"  She was elected by a fan vote that the hall of fame set up to ask fans which celebrity should be inducted.  She beat out some fierce competition like Andy Dick, Jonathon Coachman, Mike Greenberg, and Elmer Childress.  I don't get why she was voted in.  Is it because of her hillbilly background?  I only say that because I suck at bowling.  I guess I have something in common with the President after all.  Actually I think I get it.  Miley and the pins both have rednecks.  She's also rumored to be starring in a remake of Dirty Dancing.  PLEASE LET THAT HAPPEN!  I just want to see it because we all know Billy Ray would have to have a part and maybe the movie could explore the seedy side of line dancing.
  
  A former private investigator who is incarcerated for illegal wiretapping said in a jailhouse interview that he was once hired by Michael Jackson to bug the houses of the family who accused him of molestation and also to follow them around to dig up dirt.  The P.I. said that he didn't find anything on the family but he spied on Jackson as well for leverage and he claims to have evidence that Jackson did things far worse than molestation to the boys.  What's worse than molestation?  I think this guy is just trying to earn a buck or get himself out of jail sooner.  I'm just surprised it's taken him this long to say anything.
  
  Madonna turned 53 this week.  I'm surprised that she and Lady Gaga Xerox don't share the same birthday since Lady Xerox has copied Madonna in most every other aspect.
  
  Kate Hudson gave birth to a baby boy this week and she named him Bingham Hawn Bellamy.  Bingham?  Isn't that the name of a material?  That kid may have issues later on in life.
  
  Jessica Alba gave birth to a baby girl this week.  She named her new daughter Haven Garner Warren.  Her other daughter's name is Honor.  Honor and Haven...sounds like they have the potential to be crime fighting siblings who donate all the proceeds from their adventures to charity.
  
  Hilary Duff didn't give birth this week but she announced she is expecting and she is not trying out for a role in the sequel to Wizard of Oz.
  
  Kate Gosslein was fired from TLC this week.  OK so maybe she wasn't fired.  TLC did say they wouldn't renew the "Let's Exploit My Uterus and Children Show".  This is good.  Those kids have been living the high life and it's about time that they learn what it's like not to be coddled by cameramen and TV nannies.  Sadly this isn't the end of the Gosslein nightmare but just the beginning.  She'll be on every network trying to whore herself out for a new TV show and she'll also probably spew out some holier than thou parenting book.  Why did a network called The Learning Channel air a show called Kate Plus 8?  The only thing I learned was that I should always wear a condom.  I have one on right now by the way.  If she doesn't whore herself to networks or publishing companies I see only two options for her: porn or joining a cult.
  
  Kat Von D will be joining Kate Gosslein in the unemployment line because TLC didn't renew her show as well.  I guess the publicity stunt of her break-up with Jesse James didn't work.  The series finale will air sometime in September.  But now that TLC broke up with her, she's claiming that she's back with Jesse James.  She claims that any break up was concocted by the network.  So we should hate TLC because they wanted to boost ratings and Kat said she would do anything for ratings.  The producers should have told her that the highest rated TV show in history was the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry died (wink).
  
  An 11 year old girl won a "mayor for a day" contest in Texas and she renamed the main street in her town Justin Bieber Way.  The sign was stolen almost immediately but was recovered from a group of rabid teenage girls.  This is why we should let kids play with politics and we shouldn't let them out of the house.  After studying this photo I have determined there is a hidden message.  Can you find it?  I'll give you a hint: think of the beginning of Boyz in da Hood.
  
  An inside source recently revealed the true cause of JLo and Marc Anthony's divorce.  It wasn't his gigantic penis.  It was Xenu!  See Jennifer Lopez is the most recent celebrity being brainwashed by the "Church" of Scientology.  She wants to raise her kids in the "church" and Marc isn't buying any of those barley water enemas.  JLo's close friend Leah Remini is a member of the "church".  I think you can tell what I think of this. 
  
  Hulk Hogan's ex-wife, Linda, was on a radio show this week.  The host was asking questions from fan's emails and one question was if Hulk had any intimate relationships with fellow wrestlers and Linda said that the Hulkster had carried out a relationship with Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake.  Can you blame Hulk?  The dude's name was Beefcake!  I call bullshit on this story.  It seems like the second that a guy breaks up with a woman she will say 1 of 2 things.  The first is that he had a small penis and the other is that he's gay.  Most men have a friend whose company they prefer over their wife or girlfriend.  Why?  Because the friend likes things that he likes such as silence and hates things he hates such as talking.  This friendship undermines the very premise of marriage and a woman feels threatened because she can't understand how her man can willingly spend time with another man because since the dawn of time women can't stand being around other women.  The only thing Linda has going for her is that Hulk was in a profession that is very homoerotic.  Two guys get oiled up and go into the arena and roll around on the floor trying to solve their issues.  Yeah, that's pretty homoerotic and also the very definition of our political system. 
  
  Brooke Hogan must've read my blog last week because I insinuated some things about her relationship with her father.  Of course she took her disgust to Twitter and posted this: "Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!"  Well I hate to break it to you but I am at my home you dumb bitch.  Why do you think people make these allegations?  Could it be the photos that show your father rubbing sun tan lotion on your ass?  How about that one time your dad exposed himself to you on a wrestling broadcast?  Or maybe it's because your dad is dating a woman who could pass as your twin?  OR maybe it's because your dad was at a photo exhibit of your naked photographs?  Guess we will never know where people are getting these crazy notions.
  
  Hey look it's Helen Hunt.  It looks like she's trying to draw everyone's attention to something that rhymes with Hunt.  I am eagerly waiting for Coco's reply to this camel toe.  We need to start a contest called the Great Camel Toe Rodeo.  If we held one I wonder who would snatch this year's crown.
  
  This is Hayley Marie Norman.  She was one of the case girls, number 25 to be exact, on Deal or No Deal.  If this story that TMZ posted about her is true then I think I will be heading to jail.  I toned it down in this issue just in case.  She was forced to turn herself in to police after she sent a text message to her ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend which said "Fucking cunt".  The woman took the message to the police and they charged Hayley with making obscene or threatening phone calls which is a misdemeanor.  Hayley is also being investigated for vandalism because someone spray-painted on front of this unnamed woman's apartment "This girl sucks dicks for free" and "This girl is a fucking cunt".  The new girl is stupid because when someone calls you a cunt you wear it like a crown because being branded a cunt is better than being knighted by the queen.  Doesn't the Constitution guarantee us the right to call each other cunts?
  
  Halle Berry celebrated her 45th birthday by frolicking on the beach with a friend.  The funny thing is, I had this exact dream and I was that friend behind Halle but I was a male of course and I had a rag soaked with chloroform and a windowless van.  God...I really need to stop watching Law & Order: SVU before I go to bed.
  
  Gerard Depardieu is still alive.  I know, I thought he was dead too.  He was on a flight from Paris to Dublin.  The plane was on the tarmac and was about to take off and Gerard needed to use the bathroom but a flight attendant told him that he needed to remain seated and had to wait until they took off.  Gerard didn't like that so he said oui oui to the wee wee and pissed himself right there.  The plane had to return to the gate and was delayed for two hours so it could be cleaned.  If this would've went down at an American airport you can guarantee a plane marshal would have beat him down, hog-tied, tasered a few dozen times, and then charged with an act of terrorism.  I wanted to write something funny about this story but Anderson Cooper beat me to it.  Oh and watch that video because you can hear the most infectious giggle in known history.  Gerard did issue a statement and said he was sorry for what he did and offered to clean up and that he has prostate problems and he was completely sober at the time.  He also claimed he tried to piss in a bottle but it overflowed.  I can never do the bottle thing because I have an irrational fear of slicing my penis and this is a guy who was pierced. 
  
  Abercrombie & Fitch released a statement this week that they were worried that their image was being tarnished by all the people on Jersey Shore who wear their clothing.  "We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael 'The Situation' Sorrentino and the producers of MTV's The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response."  The last time I was in an A&F store it was horrible.  It was dark so you couldn't see anything, the music was so loud that you couldn't hear anything other than the music, and you couldn't breathe because it was like a gas chamber of cologne.  What the hell pristine image are they concerned about?  Clean up your damn stores.  A day after they issued this statement the company's stock fell 9% to a record low since they offered stock publicly.  Of course the stock fell.  When your target demographic is shitheads, alienating the most prominent one is sort of like if McDonald's issued a statement saying they hated fat people.
  
  Here's something for the ladies...Gene Simmons decided to moon the camera.  How is that guy considered sexy?
  
  David Letterman is a jihadist target.  A terrorist group with links to Al Qaeda has called for the death of Letterman.  An online forum calls for American Muslims to break Letterman's neck and cut off his tongue for making fun of Osama Bin Laden.  One post said this: "I have seen with my eyes and heard with my ears one of the scum of the Jews, one of their pigs, mocking the leaders of the mujahedeen."  By the way, Letterman isn't Jewish.  He's currently on vacation and people are urging him to hire bodyguards.  Loud mouthed extremists have always called for the assassination of people they don't agree with.  If you have to declare a Holy War on David Letterman, you may want to re-examine your choice of religion.  Now from the home office in Coon Valley, the top 15 better reasons to declare a holy war against David Letterman:
  15.  Paul Schaefer
  14.  His gap tooth shows disregard for dental care
  13.  He refused to wear make-up during the filming of Man on the Moon thus making the scenes from the early 80s look like crap.
  12.  All the Oprah/Uma jokes
  11.  He actually apologized to Sarah Palin
  10.  Stupid pet tricks has had to have lead to cases of animal abuse
  9.  Manny the Hippie
  8.  Calvert DeForest or Larry "Bud" Melman
  7.  Did you see the one interview he did with Natasha Henstridge?  To make a long story short, she basically tried to pick him up during the interview and clearly wanted to jump his bones but he turned her down.  Why?  Because he liked boning interns
  6.  Did you ever see that Crispin Glover interview?
  5.  Michael Richards apologizing for his racist comments via satellite
  4.  Letterman is somehow losing to Leno in the ratings.  HOW?
  3.  Not hiring me as a writer.  He is a breast man and I have luscious moobs.
  2.  Remember how many punchlines ended with Boutros Boutros-Ghali?
  1.  Popularizing funny lists.
  
  Frances Bean Cobain turned 19 this week.  Has it been that long already?  She looks great, way better than her mom.
  
  David Cross made Amber Tamblyn an honest woman this week.  He married her.  Maybe it's love or maybe he makes her laugh because he is a comedian.  I hope for my sake that it's the latter...fingers crossed.  Congratulations to Amber for marrying the world's first analrapist.  I wonder how her dad feels about this since David gave him a shout-out on the jacket of his last book.  The photo is of her father and read the last sentence.  I love David Cross.
  
  So who rocked the iconic Baywatch bathing suit better: 16 year old Courtney Stodden or 42 year old Pam Anderson?  I just saw Courtney released a bunch of photos showing off her love of Baywatch on Twitter.  I also found some interesting tweets: "I love these steamy mornings that allow you to erotically roll out of bed in nothing but your cheeky string bikini. Mmm, how electrifying!"  "Stepped my paws into a sexy wet cat-suit; Prowling mysteriously around the house while lickin' my lips searchin' for some nip! MEEEOWWW! " "A soft sensation sweetly kisses my body as I prepare for a sexy hot photo shoot this afternoon. What a breathtaking morning it has been! " "Slowly slipping under these sensuous silk covers as I lie down in bed & entertain myself w/the classic movie "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes". XOs"  WHERE IS CHRIS HANSEN WHEN WE NEED HIM?  That is some creepy shit.
  
  Candice Swanepoel was spotted at the beach this week reminding ladies to give themselves regular self-exams even if you are in public, especially if you are in public.
  
  Here's something for the ladies.  Look at Arnold Schwarzeneger attack that ice cream cone.  That's exactly like how he does his ladies...or maybe just his housekeepers.
  
  Anthony Bourdain took a break from eating panda burgers and bald eagle egg omelets to say some things about the stars of the Food Network.  Here's what he said about Paula Deen: "The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she’s proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you . . . plus, her food sucks."  Here's what he said about Rachael Ray: "Does she even cook anymore? . . . To her credit, she never said she was good at it."  Here's what he said about Sandra Lee: "I hate her works on this planet, but she is not someone to be dismissed, clearly."  And here's what he had to say about Guy Fieri: "I look at Guy and I just think, ‘Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me.’"  You know he has great points.  I really do think that the Food Network spends more money on hair care products than on actual food.  Rachael ray is nauseatingly annoying.  Sandra Lee couldn't hear what he had to say because she was passed out from making one too many cocktails.  Guy Fieri was too busy looking in a mirror.  Paula Deen, I can't stand her, issued this statement: "Anthony Bourdain needs to get a life. You don’t have to like my food, or Rachael’s, Sandra’s and Guy’s. But it’s another thing to attack our character. I wake up every morning happy for where I am in life. It’s not all about the cooking, but the fact that I can contribute by using my influence to help people all over the country. In the last two years, my partners and I have fed more than 10 million hungry people by bringing meat to food banks.  My good friends Rachael, Guy and Sandra are the most generous charitable folks I know. They give so much of their time and money to help the food-deprived, sick children and abandoned animals. I have no idea what Anthony has done to contribute besides being irritable. You know, not everybody can afford to pay $58 for prime rib or $650 for a bottle of wine. My friends and I cook for regular families who worry about feeding their kids and paying the bills . . . It wasn’t that long ago that I was struggling to feed my family, too."  I know Anthony would change his mind if Paula offered him some of her bacon wrapped bacon deep fried in a gallon of butter with a butter drizzle.
  
  Adam Carolla recently said something insensitive on his radio show.  He was talking about LGBT and he asked about the T portion.  He said, "When did we start caring about those people?"  Of course LGBT came out and said that Carolla should be taken off the air for his comments.  Yeah, because if someone says something you don't like you take it off the air.  It worked for Hitler.  See I have a huge problem with this.  I don't like that he said it but in a nation of free speech there will be things people say that you don't like but by God they have the right to say it.  I hate broccoli.  Are the broccoli farmers of America going to ask for my site to be shut down?  See LGBT have good intentions but these people are bullies.  Lately it seems like all they can talk about is how Marcus Bachmann is a closeted gay and how he needs to come out of the closet but when someone says something about them they start crying like a 5 year old.  They are bullies.  That being said, Carolla's an idiot but he has the right to be an idiot.
  
  Zac Efron was trending on Twitter over weekend.  It was because he allegedly sent out a naked photo of himself.  I saw the pic and I learned two things:  1.  Even celebrities masturbate and can't pull poon every night like Coach B.  2.  Zac Efron is Irish.

  
  @aloysius_son suffered 2nd degree burns this week.  He took a break from making the official Xanga meet-up site log cabin and he wanted to entertain everyone so he did what any male would do, he decided to light his farts on fire.  He got out his trusty lighter and sources say he lit a massive fart and it lit up his whole backside and he was dragging ass like a dog when it has worms and drags its butt all over your carpet.  Mr. _son was released from the hospital and went back to work on the Xanga meet-up cabin.  OK so none of that happened.  He just complained that he wasn't famous enough to be in a round-up. 

  Video Section
  Charlie Sheen was at the gathering of Juggalos this year.  He didn't have stones thrown at him like Tila Tequila but he looked so out of place.
  
  Michelle Bachman wanted everyone to wish Elvis a happy birthday this week.  Too bad Elvis is dead and that this week wasn't the anniversary of his birth but it was the anniversary of his death.  Well it looks like she has lost the critical Elvis impersonator vote.
  
  Anne Hathaway was on Conan O'Brien this week and she did a rap.  Let's hope that she doesn't rap in the next Batman film.  I feel so embarrassed for her.
  
  I just saw Packers highlights and realized that the tickets I turned down tonight were in the section where Greg Jennings did a Lambeau Leap...sigh.  Have a great weekend.

  • 4:48 PM
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