August 27, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 8/26/11

  So tonight…ARGH!  I went shopping tonight for materials for my Labor Day parade float.  Even though it’s not technically mine but representing the church to which I belong I call it mine because I picked the theme and designed it and have put a lot of time into it.  Anyway I think I’m set.  I just have to do a lot of painting tomorrow and Sunday.  I went shopping and then I ended up at a Denny’s and now I am home.  I’m leaving major gaps because if I did write about everything I would rant and this would be really long which is something I love hearing people say.  It’s such an ego booster to see a lady post in the comment section, “This is long.” Well thank you, ma’am…sorry so many of my dreams start that way and end with “Was that it?”  Time for the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Let’s get the not safe for life out of the way first.  Snooki showed off this little number on her way to church.  No, she was going to the free clinic to get her shots.  OK, girls, you see that face she’s making?  Those lips?  STOP THAT!  It’s so fucking stupid.
  
  Tori Amos turned 48 this week.  Wow!  She still looks great.  Hubba hubba…did I just say that? 
  
  Look out, fellas, Sinead O’Connor is single and ready to mingle.  She is really hard up for a man and took to her blog to mention her affliction: “My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.”  She also put out a list of what she is looking for in a man: “He must be no younger than 44.  Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.  Must not be named Brian or Nigel.  Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.  Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.  Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.  I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.  No hair gel.  No hair dryer use.  No hair dye  Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.  No after shave.  Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.  Must be wham-bam.  Has to like his mother.  Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.  Has to live in own place.”  In another posting she said that any man she picked must enjoy anal sex or as she put it “the difficult brown”.  You know I thought about applying because all of that describes me except the Ireland bit.  I’m also too young and I’m not sure about the difficult brown.  I think anal sex is down right shitty.  Maybe I’ll get Sinead to write me a post on Craigslist.
  
  Sara Gilbert, left, closed her legs to her partner of 10 years.  She is now a single woman and she’s pretty hot on that daytime talk show, The Talk…I think.  Maybe I’ll have a shot.  Oh who am I kidding, I’d never be able to date her because whenever we would be intimate I’d hear, “DARLENE!  KEEP IT DOWN!”
  
  Larry Flynt and Hustler magazine claims to have in their possession an intimate tape featuring Rihanna and a rapper named J-Cole.  He was one of her opening acts on her last tour.  I think “intimate tape” is code words for no exposed genitals, just dry humping, and no orgasm.  If I wanted to watch that, I’d just watch Cinemax. 
  
  Besides, why bother watching an intimate tape featuring Rihanna when I could just go to one of her shows to watch her jill off.  I’d rather watch her do that than do a guy.
  
  I never knew the politics of Reese Witherspoon but I think we know where her heart lies when she posed like this while surfing.  It also may explain why she immediately said, “Wir mussen den Fortbestand unserer Rasse bewahren und auch die Zukunft arischer Kinder sicherstellen.”  It would also explain why she’s trying to play Eva Braun in a movie.
  
  Paris Hilton will be heading to the unemployment line because her show on the Oxygen network was canceled.  I’m happy to know that now I can safely watch TV without wearing a condom in case I accidentally flipped through channels and landed on her show.  Having her show canceled must make Paris burn almost as much as it burns when she pisses.  Maybe the cancellation of these reality shows shows that Americans are finally starting realize that Paris and all her reality star ilk are nothing but spoiled brats with too much time and money on their hands and no brains.  If you really wanted to watch people act like that you could just watch CSPAN.
  
  Octomom took time out of her busy schedule of being a mother to 14 children to show off her battle scars.  Ummmm….OK.  That’s for you @raiderjester
  
  Remember when the band Oasis was pretty good and actually one of the better bands on the scene?  Yeah I think I was in high school back then.  Well I think this pretty much sums up what the band has been up to for the past 10 years or so.  Liam Gallagher is suing his brother Noel for comments that Noel made insinuating that the band had to drop out of a concert in 2009 because Liam had a hangover.  Liam says it’s a lie and that he was upset that he couldn’t perform for the fans.  He claims that all he wants is an apology but he hasn’t received one so he’s had to take matters to court.  They are brothers so this lawsuit is probably like one giving the other a titty twister and trying to get him to say uncle.  The court needs to order these two to receive a good horse whipping and then to start making some good music again.
  
  Nick Ashford, right, passed away this week at the age of 69.  Along with his writing partner Valerie Simpson, left, wrote some memorable hits for artists such as Ray Charles, The 5th Dimension, Aretha Franklin, Marvin Gaye, Gladys Knight and the Pips, Dianna Ross, Teddy Pendergrass, Smokey Robinson, and Ronnie Milsap.  They had a huge impact on the Motown music sound.  Ashford will be greatly missed. 
  
  Derek Jeter broke up with Minka Kelly this week.  Why?  She is just so stunning.  I want to make a joke about 3000 hits but it’s too late.  All I’ll say is that the Yankees really suck.
  
  Michael C. Hall, 40 years old, has a new woman in his life.  In December of 2008 he married Dexter co-star Jennifer Carpenter.  In January of 2010 he said doctors diagnosed him with lymphoma and four months later he was declared cancer free.  Then this past Christmas he divorced his wife.  He traded her in for a younger model.  Jennifer Carpenter was getting pretty old, 31, and his new piece is 25.  The girl he’s dating is an executive for Showtime, the network that owns Dexter.  When they go out people wouldn’t know they were dating because they are never seen together and if they go out together in public she walks far behind him so people won’t suspect they are together.  Most of the time she goes to his house where they hang out.  So Hall gets a woman who is 15 years younger than him to come over to his house to bang him and when they go out she has to walk a distance behind him.  Some dudes really are living the life.
  
  Megan Fox revealed that she is going to be removing her famous Marilyn Monroe tattoo.  She claims that she wants to remove it because Marilyn was such a negative and disturbed person and that she doesn’t want the tattoo to attract evil forces.  Why, yes, tattoos are a conduit of evil forces entering your and possessing you to do more evil.  Tattoos are the leading cause of death no place.  See this is why kids these days are stupid.  God, I sound like my dad.  Kids impulsively get tattoos in a highly visible part of their body to show off their rebellious nature and then they hit adulthood and regret the tattoo so they have to spend thousands of dollars on laser removal surgery when they could be spending that money on something productive like porn or drugs.  Kids who read this, you will not get hired if your arms look like a freeway overpass.  Don’t get tattoos on visible parts of your body.  That’s why I got the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven” tattoed on my penis.
  
  Marky Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are opening a burger restaurant in Boston.  I wasn’t shocked by the name but it was still a little surprising.  This is the best name for a burger restaurant since Burger She Wrote.  The name of their restaurant will be….wait for it…wait for it…WAHLBURGERS!  They have leased a 4,300 square foot building where they plan on making the good vibrations happen.  They said that if the burger joint takes off they plan on expanding.  You know they are going to have menu items such as So Hi to Your Motha’s Cookies, The Right Stuffed Burger, Please Don’t Go Grilled Cheese, Good Piebrations, and the Funky Bunch of Lettuce Salad.  PLEASE GOD, YOU DON’T ANSWER ANY OF MY OTHER PRAYERS BUT PLEASE OH PLEASE LET THOSE BE ACTUAL MENU ITEMS!
  
  Bitch got married.  Our long national nightmare is over and do you notice what’s missing in the photo?  THE FUCKING GROOM!  A chick who sky-rocketed to fame because she had sex with a guy on film a few years ago married a guy who sits on a bench in the NBA and only averages 5 points a game.  There were many celebrity guests at the wedding such as Eva Longoria, Demi Lovato, Mario Lopez, Avril Lavigne, Serena and Venus Williams, Nicole Richie, Ryan Seacrest, Julianne Hough, Maria Menounos, and incredibly, Dina, Ali, and Lindsay Lohan.  Lindsay wasn’t invited.  She just smelled the free bar.  She’s a bloodhound when it comes to booze.  Sources are saying that right before the wedding, Kim’s sex tape partner Ray J texted her this message: “And to think you really have me to thank for all this “  I am happy to see Ray J is admitting his guilt but he should’ve included Ryan Seacrest and O.J. Simpson as his accomplices but they are both imprisoned, one in jail and the other in the closet.  I’m shocked that Kim didn’t make a toast to O.J. and Ray J’s bladder for making this marriage popular.  Speaking of the reception, it was scheduled to last until 4:30AM at the Kardashian compound but police arrived and told them that there were noise complaints so it ended early.  Kris Humphries teammates have taken to calling him Kate Middleton because he married into a royal family.  I feel sorry for the guy.  Sources are saying that the Kardashians spent nearly $17million on this wedding and none of it went to the Humphries family.  They had to buy their own plane tickets and fly economy to California.  People are also claiming that the Humphries looked shocked and appalled the whole time.  Well I’d be shocked too if my kid married one of the biggest whores in the world.  An insider claims that Kim and Kris have decided not to go on their honeymoon yet because of work commitments.  Please.  The only work she does is sitting in front of a camera and she can do plenty of that on a honeymoon and besides that Kris ain’t working because the NBA is shut down.  The only reason they aren’t going so soon is because they want to space things out so that they don’t use up all their attention at once. 
  
  As I already mentioned, Lindsay was at the Kardashian wedding and people are claiming that she got incredibly drunk and had to be carried out.  Well that’s great.  In other Lindsay news, she is suing rapper Pit Bull because of lyrics in his song “Give Me Everything”.  Here are the lyrics she has taken offense to: “Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’ / I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan”  In the lawsuit Lindsay claims that she is a professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild, and is suing under the New York civil rights laws, which protects people from having their name exploited for commercial purposes.  She should throw in some pain in suffering while she’s at it.  Now back to the wedding…there was a cover band and they played this song.  Lindsay sat fuming while people were out dancing to the song.  So embarrassing Lindsay at her wedding was the real reason Kim invited her.  That and inviting Lindsay would give Kim more media coverage.  With all the attention-whoring those two do, I’m shocked the universe didn’t collapse upon itself but as as shocked as I was when I realized Kim didn’t sell advertising space on her wedding dress like the ads on NASCAR cars.
  
  Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart’s daughter, and Benecio Del Toro welcomed their baby girl into the world this week.  They named her Delilah.  Part of me is happy that they named their daughter after a Biblical whore and the other part makes me want to punch Benecio for putting that crappy Hey there Delilah song in my head.  Kimberly Stewart is also upset that Benecio hasn’t really been enthused about the birth of their daughter.  Apparently he claims it was just a one night stand but Kimberly thought the child would bring them together for a real relationship.  What did she expect?  This was the biggest mistake Benecio has made besides Wolfman.  I think the only way he’d be involved is if she needed a ride to Planned Parenthood.
  
  This photo was taken seconds after Jennifer Lopez farted.  There is no word as to how many survivors there were.
  
  Helen Mirren was at the premiere of some movie this week and you know for an older dame she’s quite a juicy tomato.  Oh that broad is gammin’. 
  
  Here’s a little David Beckham showing off his package while playing soccer for the ladies.  You know when I think of soccer this is pretty much what I see, a bunch of guys prancing around wearing short shorts and squealing like Minnie Mouse.  I’ll just stick to the NFL where guys wear skin tight pants and announcers circle the guys who have the sweatiest asses.  I’m just glad I my uniform had black pants.
  
  This is Courtney Stodden.  She’s 16 years old and she’s married to a 51 year old man.  Her and her husband were on an Australian morning show this week and they announced that they were working on a reality show.  Oh gee that’s swell!  They also said a bunch of other cringing things.  When asked how she fell for Doug Hutchinson, Courtney said: “Because of his face, his body, his sexy hair. Talk about seducing! He seduced me immediately! I knew off the bat that he was the one for me and that was it. When you find that one man you know you love, go for it!”  Doug said this: “Courtney embodies the classic iconic figures of the past. The Marilyn Monroes. The Sharon Tates. The Pamela Andersons.”  Courtney replied: “Old Hollywood. Very classy! The world should not forget beautiful woman like that. They have made a beautiful impact on the world.”  Hmmm Doug is setting her up for failure by comparing her to those women.  Marilyn Monroe died of a drug overdose.  Sharon Tate was murdered and Pamela Anderson has hepatitis.  They also said they have two dogs named Tuna and Bizarre.  Bizarre can only be used to describe this relationship and not a damn dog’s name.  If you have a Twitter and want to follow this mess check out @CourtneyStodden.  She gave us this classic: “Experiencing such a wet ‘n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs”  She’s 16 remember.
  
  Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Brooke Mueller are trying to get back together and raise their children.  This past week Charlie took her and the kids to Mexico.  Good for them.  Remember the kids did already witness their dad choke Brooke and threaten to kill her in from of them.  Maybe they’ll get to see their crackhead mom stabbed by their raging warlock father and then they can get Dora to help hide the body.  So Charlie has been telling Twenty Mile Zone that he is trying to get Brooke clean.  So it’s another case of the crackhead leading the crackhead.  I’d never thought I’d hear Charlie Sheen be called a sobriety coach.  He claims that his work is paying off and she’s more sober and healthy than he’s ever seen her but when he’s the one saying that, you have issues.  The guy knows sober living as much as I know runway modeling.  He probably just took her to Mexico so she can be his drug mule.  You’d be shocked to know how much drugs you can fit inside an empty skull.
  
  Carrie Fisher is working for some weightloss thing and she’s lost 50lbs in 9 months.  I wonder if she can get into her Princess Leia bikini.  I hereby challenger her to loss as much weight as it takes to get back into that bikini and I promise I will not masturbate to Star Wars until she releases photos of her wearing said bikini.
  
  Burger King announced this week that there was a coup d’état at Burger King headquarters and the King will no longer be a spokesman.  They want to go healthy and appeal to the mom crowd.  They started the movement by pushing the California Whopper.  My dad said he ordered one and the guacamole was brown.  Yep, that’s healthy.  Come on, the only reason people want to eat at Burger King is so they can get some grease in their body to soak up all the booze.  We need to get the King back on his throne before he is spotted fapping in the back of a porn theater.  LONG LIVE THE KING!
  
  This is Brenda Song.  She was on some Disney mess show and she was also the girl who gave head in The Social Network.  This week she announced that she was pregnant and the father was Trace Cyrus, Miley Cyrus’ older brother.  So the parents of this child will be a hot Asian woman and an inbred hick.  What a genetic combo!  Look on the bright side, this will be the first Cyrus kid who will be good at both math and playing an empty jug.
  
  Ashton Kutcher is allegedly bribing the cast and staff of Two and a Half Men to get them to like him more.  He had an on-set party where he supplied $12,000 worth of sushi.  He’s also trying to take the time to get to know everyone affiliated with the show.  People are saying he’s trying to get people to like him better than Charlie Sheen.  If Ashton wants to do that then all he needs to do is not get the show shut down and have jobs potentially eliminated because of drug abuse.
  
  So here we see a friend cupping Adrianne Curry’s breast.  Let’s review the tape here, Adrianne won a reality show, was cast on another reality show, hooked up with Peter Brady, married Peter Brady, and now has divorced Peter Brady.  What does she do?  She plays video games, has boobs, goes to comic conventions, has boobs, experimental scientist, has boobs BOOBS!  Reps are saying Adrianne and Peter are still friends and are amicable.  He’s also hoping that they can once again find happiness.  Poop on that noise!  She’s going to run-off with a guy she meets on World of Warcraft.
  
  I definitely wished this happened.  In a recent interview Britney Spears said that if she wasn’t a pop singer she would have become a teacher because she likes kids and she loves meeting her fans.  She also said she’d focus on teaching reading and history.  Bitch obviously should be reading the history of her life.  Remember that she is 29 years old and is still under court ordered conservatorship which was extended by psychiatrists.  If you don’t know what that means, a judge said she was too stupid to live her life so she had to have her father to assemble a group of people to make sure she didn’t run in traffic, wore underwear, jump-rope with downed powerlines, or like electric sockets.  Do teachers need to love their kids?  Well Britney did take her kids hostage and had a stand-off with the police.  Remember all the care she gave them when they were infants?  I guess she loved them enough to drop them repeatedly and let them piss everywhere and eat a steady diet of Cheetos and Sunkist.  She also showed love by fucking one of her bodyguards while they were present in the hotel room and that was the same bodyguard who said she beat her kids with a belt.  Then she did just give up custody of her kids so she could go on tour.  She probably shouldn’t be allowed around photos of schools much less a real school.  Can you image what your kids would be like if they had her as a teacher.  They’d be more whacked than my penis after watching the Lingerie Football League.  The only place she should teach is an exclusive finishing school for former Disney stars.  She’d teach the girls that if they are dating a wannabe rapper and they have sex, make sure he pulls out.  Brenda Song should have been a student.

  Video Section
  Did you see this video of Jim Carrey talking about Emma Stone?  Apparently it’s a joke but in reality it is creepy.
  
  I hope everyone is having a swell weekend.

  • 9:23 PM
  • 30 Comments