August 29, 2011

• My Least Favorite Comedians

  Last night I got thinking of a post I did two years ago and thought I’d re-post it with some additions.  It seems like everyone lists their favorites in list form so I thought I’d list my least favorites.  Of course this list is subjective and my personal taste but to me these people are the absolute worst.

  #10  Gallagher or Gallagher Two or is it Gallagher
  
  Maybe I should have dedicated this comedian to two spaces on my list.  Leo Gallagher made a living doing all these hippie and yuppie jokes in the 80s and he tried to make a difference in comedy.  Well apparently it didn’t work out for him because people only wanted to see him smash watermelons.  Then when that got stale he sold his trademarked name to his brother Ron.  Then Leo came back as Gallagher Two and eventually brother Ron sued but the courts sided with Leo.  Gallgher then went on to become a political comedian and made many homophobic and racial jokes in his sets but people only wanted to see him smash watermelons.  In his defense, Gallagher pretty much invented the one-man cable comedy show.  Still, I once heard Gallagher described as the Richard Simmons of the comedy world and about as funny as a baby with cancer.  The only thing funny about Gallagher was Dave Chappelle’s Black Gallagher skit.

  #9 Sandra Bernhard
  
  Listening to her tell jokes is about as enjoyable as getting a prostate exam.  It’s also pretty difficult to watch her perform because well isn’t it obvious?  You’d think she could take that ugliness and work it into her act.  Nope, she still tells lame jokes.  I know comedians aren’t always much to look at as much as they are to hear but that horrible permanent sneer…ARGH!  She tried to make a little bit of a come back and used Arnold Schrwarzenegger’s philandering to become relevant for a few minutes.  She claimed he hit on her.  She claimed that he wanted to date her but she told him she didn’t go out with Germans.  So she’s an idiot as well?  Oh and about that time she claims she slept with Jay Leno.  Yep, idiot.

  #8 Yakov Smirnoff
  
  I think the best way I can describe Yakov is if you imagine Borat but not funny.  He makes excrusiatingly painful jokes about American culture and adds “what a country!” to every punchline.  One example, “In America you give people piece of plastic and they give you stuff.  What a country!”  So I get it, life in communist Russia was pretty difficult and you had to wait in line to buy everything including toilet paper.  But what’s worse than life in communist Russia?  It’s telling jokes in Missouri that only people over 75 years old appreciate because they still think Communism is the enemy of America.

  #7 Carrot Top
  
  I guess we should’ve learned from Gallagher that prop comics aren’t funny.  It’s not only that his props are a little on the lame side but it’s mainly that his delivery and timing is so awkward.  You just don’t feel comfortable watching him perform.  Maybe it’s a stretch calling him a comedian.  If Gallagher is as funny as a baby with cancer what does that say about Carrot Top since he’s basically copying him and he couldn’t come up with anything better than smashing a watermelon with a hammer.  Bill Hicks once said this about Carrot Top, “Carrot Top is for people who didn’t get Gallagher.”  It’s sort of sad that the high point of Mr. Top’s career was doing commercials for pay-phone collect calls. 

  #6 Kathy Griffin
  
  I really don’t need to explain Kathy Griffin. She is just plain horrible and unfunny and listening to her is like listening to nails on a chalkboard.  I think her whole career has been based upon the character she played on Seinfeld.  She wasn’t funny then and she isn’t funny now.  She’s like Joan Rivers with more swearing and more gays.  Kathy claims to be on the celebrity d-list but for a while there she was everywhere you looked.  Maybe I’m not in her Target audience of people who read US Weekly, read Cathy comics, and religiously watch Bravo.  Is it me or has she been 40 for the past 15 years?

  #5 Paula Poundstone
  
  This is a strange question, but do you think anyone has benefited from the tragedies of the terrorist attacks of 9/11?  If you answered Paula Poundstone, you would probably be correct…no I am not going to go into how Dick Cheney’s stock in Haliburton rose by 4000% during his time as vice President.  Paula Poundstone had a bit of a drinking problem and she got liquored up during the summer of 2001 and drove her kids to an ice cream parlor.  Well workers at the parlor noticed and called the police after she left.  Paula was arrested for drunk driving and child endangerment.  To make matters worse she was also charged with committing lewd acts upon a girl under the age of 14.  Then 9/11 happened and the media had a new focus and Paula slipped through the cracks.  She received probation and was barred from being a foster parent.  Now she uses all those experiences for her new material because apparently child molestation jokes are the new “in”.  Well Christopher Titus got a couple years out of a horrible sitcom based on his jokes about his dad beating him.  The Minneapolis library system was set to have a rally to get kids and adults to read in 2006.  The original comedian scheduled was Kevin Nealon but he canceled so they booked Paula Poundstone.  Numerous schools dropped out of the program after she was booked….gee I wonder why?

  #4 Jeff Foxworthy
  
  Is it the mustache?  The pseudo-mullet?  I can’t stand this guy.  I just want to rip that silly ‘stache off his lip.  That show he hosts on Fox, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader, is fitting since the last time I laughed at a Foxworthy joke was when I was in fifth grade.  I hate the redneck jokes and then all the other “you might be a…” jokes that he spawned.  The worst was when I was living in southern Minnesota.  It was the southern part of the state so people took that to mean that they were actual southerners.  One of the houses that was across the street from my place held some of the biggest troglodytes I have ever seen.  They were Foxworthy fans and one night they were drinking the southern Minnesota staple, Michelob Golden Draft Light, complete with olives in the glass, which we call a Minnesota Martini, and they started in with Redneck jokes.  The winner: You may be a redneck, if’fn you’re me!  HAHAHAHAHAHA….yeah that was the same guy who destroyed his front door and couldn’t fix it so they used the side window on the porch to enter and exit the house.  Do rednecks still find this guy funny?

  #3 Larry the Cable Guy
  
  Ugh…this guy.  I had students constantly saying his line…GIT-R-DUN!  Also the neighbors I mentioned above would at all hours of the night scream “GIT-R-DUN!”  Oh it was so bad.  How can a bigot get so famous?  Well, Larry has said that he speaks what America thinks so I guess that means everyone in America is a racist and homophobe.  He’s a fraud.  Take some time and look up his early work under his real name.  I really loved seeing him in a perm and Cosby sweater and telling jokes about cubicles. 

  #2 Carlos Mencia
  
  This may come off as racist but it’s not; I just hate Carlos Mencia.  If he is the most talented comedian to come out of Latin America, then I am surprised more Americans aren’t clamoring to put up a 50 foot fence with barbed wire that packs a 50,000 volt punch.  Carlos is a thief.  He has stolen from Joe Rogan and numerous other comedians.  Do yourself a favor an look for his feud with Joe Rogan.  It got very heated and there were times when Rogan would confront Mencia and they almost came to blows.  Also one of the funniest things I ever heard concerning Carlos was when he was doing a radio show and talking about a skit he was working on for his show, whose format was basically a rip-of of the Dave Chappelle Show.  It was something about the Olympics for the deities of world religions.  Well they did air it but after Carlos hung up the DJ said that they would never have Carlos on the air because he stole the bit from them.  He then played the skit they aired a year prior that had been floating around the internet.  Oh and another reason I hate Carlos Mencia, his catch phrase was “dee dee dee.” WTF?  I think his thievery caught up with him and eventually his show was canceled and I have not seen him do any performances but low and behold CNN paraded Carlos Mencia out to speak about Hispanic Americans thought about healthcare.  WTF?

  #1.  Dane Cook
  
  Sweet Jesus I hate this guy.  I blasted Carlos Mencia for thievery.  Cook is just the same.  Do a youtube search for him and Louis CK.  There is one video that shows how Dane took Louis CK’s act verbatim but gave his strange twist to it.  That strange style…where did he get that from?  When he was writing out Louis CK’s jokes did he think to himself, “How do I make this better?  I GOT IT!  I will say the joke in a normal voice, repeat it in a strange voice, and then shout it!  I AM A FREAKIN’ GENIUS!”  Yes that is his style.  Say the joke, repeat it in funny voice and then scream it.  I guess when people hear someone yell it is funny.  I think I have only laughed at Dane Cook twice.  Once was during a stand-up routine and I had a few too many beers and seeing him run around stage was cool because my eyes were having a difficult time focusing.  The other time was when his brother embezzled millions of dollars from him.

  Last time I posted this I had someone create a Xanga site just to argue me about how awesome Dane Cook was.  So now I ask you:

  Who is your least favorite comedian?
  

  • 8:17 PM
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