August 31, 2011

• Motivation

  I’ve started filming porn to make ends meet.  Let me tell you, my end has met plenty of ends.

  I’ve been trying to set up a dating profile but I’ve become disheartened because there isn’t an option for “I just want to give a little cunnilingus”.

  Michelle Bachman’s new campaign slogan: Helping Obama get re-elected in 2012.  I actually think her candidacy is one of the signs of the apocalypse.  Obama’s 2012 campaign slogan is: “Maybe we can”.  Early estimates say that Hurricane Irene did millions of dollars of damage.  The good news is that Eric Cantor is reassuring the super-rich that the working Americans will pay all the damages.  Have you heard that the Republicans are blaming the President for all the cuts the Republicans made to FEMA?  I love how tea baggers are always saying big government this and big government that but when a natural disaster rolls in it turns to “Government, help me.”

  I’m heading out west to see if I can get a medical marijuana prescription.  Does anyone know of any doctors that prescribe weed for blue balls?

  95% of people are reported to like that one reggae song about weed.

  A recent study found that 400 million Chinese are considered obese.  Nike promises that it will introduce dieting programs in China by making kids work longer hours and for less pay.

  Nancy Grace is expected to join the cast of Dancing with the Stars and in a surprise move, Casey Anthony has been named her partner since Nancy Grace can’t do much of anything without her.  *Lame joke of the week alert*  Hope Solo is also joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars.  I wonder if she will be dancing...solo.

  88% of people who said they watched MTV’s VMAs last night had no clue MTV still played music videos.

  My horoscope was quite interesting today.  It said, “Most people hate you but you could care less because you’re the type of guy who masturbates at a funeral.”  Wow, those things are so specific.

  Experts expect a large amount of children to be born in the east coast region 9 months from now.  They also predict that many will be named Irene and a few who will become strippers later in life will be named Hurricane.

  The FCC has told ESPN they need to edit the sexually charged grunting sounds during the U.S. Open.  ESPN will replace all grunts with the sound of Mel Kiper’s voice saying the word “tennis”.

  The commissioner of the Big 12 athletic conference is demanding that the letter A on Texas A&M’s jerseys be colored scarlet because they are whoring themselves out to other conferences.

  Danica Patrick is going to race in NASCAR, the sport with the least amount of sexual fantasies possible to think of while watching.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Guys, if you have a wife or girlfriend and she owns a dildo, hide it on her.  That way when she’s running around the house screaming, “where the hell is it,” you’ll know she’s in the mood.  Also a good way to know whether or not you’re good in bed is to find out how many batteries she goes through.  If your woman isn’t into anal sex you can always tell her that it will help keep her regular.

  The best part of kids is when they aren’t yours.

  Pick-up line sure to fail: If I said you had nice breasts would you hold them against me?

  When people tell me I am a lucky man I tell them they haven’t met my ex.

  I’m surprised there aren’t many tramp stamp collectors out there.

  There are three criteria you need to meet before you can become a reality star.  1.  Have a sex tape.  2.  Be addicted to drugs.  3.  Make cakes.  Can someone teach me how to bake?

  I think the guy who predicted the Rapture a few months back got a new job as the meteorologist who predicted that Hurricane Irene would be catastrophic.

  I can tell I’ve been single way to long.  The doctors told me I have carpal tunnel in my wrists.

  When I get home late at night I like to turn my stereo up really loud and blast Pink Floyd’s “Great Gig in the Sky” so my neighbors will think I’m getting some.

  I like my women like I like my chicken fried steak…cheap, thick, tender, and smothered in country gravy.
  

  I like my violence like I like my beer…domestic.
  

  Saying cereal is only for breakfast is like saying sex is only for married people.
  

  My girlfriend says a lot of stupid shit.  Most recently she said, “I love you.”
  

  Next time I see a friend of mine in real life, I’m going to ask them to give me a rec.  I’m taking Xanga to the streets, yo.

  • 1:10 PM
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