September 1, 2011
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Checkerman
I was looking for something to write about this evening and I was going through my word docs of things I have written and intend to share eventually and one stuck out. It was titled "Checkerman". I opened it and there was nothing inside. Apparently I just titled the document "Checkerman" and left it at that. I'm trying to remember why I did that. I have a feeling it's because I wanted to share the tale of Checkerman with you but I didn't have time to write it and I just sort of ignored that document. Well that is about to change.
I went to a Lutheran grade school in what is considered south central Wisconsin. I really love that area of the state. It's so rural and removed from what people consider the big city. I rode a bus to this school every day. I lived about 10 miles away from the town where the school was located. This particular town had a population of 216. I remember that because it was the number of a hymn in a hymnal that I rather enjoyed. Anyway the location of my school was ideal. It was a one story school located right underneath a bluff. We would always try to climb that bluff at recess but the teachers would be other there and scold us if we got too close. After school was a different story. On top of the bluff there was a camp that supposedly trained people to become witches. This always led to some interesting encounters like the one time a group from the camp came to worship one of the trees on our playground. They considered it to be the oldest living thing in the state of Wisconsin. They were idiots because even I as a grade school student could tell this was a young tree.
The school had 5 classrooms. Each classroom was split between two grades. In one room at the end of the building was the kindergarten and preschool room. Back then kindergarten only was in the morning and preschool was only once or twice a week. Then there was 1st and 2nd grade. When I was in that classroom the teacher became pregnant and was out of school for a while. She had a boy and gave him my name. That was sort of odd. When people realized what sex was they asked if it was my child. The 3rd and 4th grade classroom still gives me nightmares. The teacher was about 6 feet tall and weighed about 300lbs. She was so mean. I think she had issues with males because only boys got in trouble. I remember forgetting to put my name on a paper and I had to run laps around the playground which was about the size of a football field. A girl forgot to put her name on the paper the same day and the teacher told her to remember it next time. She also made boys do push-ups if we didn't sing. One day I couldn't sing because I had a sore throat. I actually was diagnosed with strep throat the next day. She stopped playing piano because I wasn't singing and told me if I didn't start singing she was going to make me do push-ups. I told her I couldn't sing because my throat hurt. She said that I could sing if I tried. I said I couldn't. She told me to do 20 push-ups. I threw my hymnal into my desk and cried. I was then told to go to the principal's office. I was sitting there and he asked what was wrong. I told him I couldn't sing because I had a sore throat. He felt my forehead and said I had a fever and so he called my mom and she came and got me. I never had an apology for that either. My only fond memories of 3rd and 4th grade was recess. The teacher liked to build classroom unity so she had us all play the same thing every single recess. In fall we played kickball. When the weather got bad we would go to the gym to play dodgeball. Then in the spring we usually played softball. She also picked the teams and batting/kicking order.
My 5th and 6th grade teacher was the principal and usually every day he went into a rant and he usually ended it with talking about how horrible drugs and sex were. There was the one time we had to take a county mandated sex survey and he apologized for it before we took it. I was in 5th grade and had to answer if I had ever had someone stick their genitals in my butt. Yep, that was a fun survey. The teacher also smoked like a chimney. He would walk outside the classroom between classes and would smoke his pipe and he would stand outside the classroom windows to make sure we were doing our work. My 7th and 8th grade teacher was a lovable buffoon. We called him the Excited Southerner because he was originally from the South and had a very noticeable accent. It was very present when he said the word "peanuts". We were in geography class learning about South America and it came time to talk about each country's exports.
"OK, class, the chief export of Brazil is peanuts." But it didn't sound like "peanuts". With his accent it sounded more like "penis".
Then he at the end of class he did a little review. "What's the chief export of Brazil?" No one knew.
"It's penis." HAHAHAHA.
"What's so funny?"
"Mr. S., what is Brazil's chief export?"
"Penis." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"What's so funny about penis?" HAHAHAHAHA
"Penis." HAHAHAHA
"Alright if anyone laughs about penis I'm taking away you recess. The chief export of Brazil is penis." HAHAHAHAHA
"THAT'S IT! Y'ALL ARE STAYING IN AT NOON TO EXPLAIN WHY Y'ALL ARE LAUGHING AT PENIS!" It was worth it.So I just had to give you a little background of my school. This one kid who went to my church was odd and saying that he was odd is an understatement. He was a foster kid and I guess his family had issues. All his siblings were split up. I remember they would come to church with him maybe once or twice a year. All I can remember is his sister always looked pregnant even though she was only 10 or 11. It turned out that she was a nervous eater and would chew on her hair. She ended up having surgery and they removed a ball of her hair that was about the size of a softball. I also remember she wore the same t-shirt every time she came to church. It was an old school glittery screen print shirt that had a photo of J.R. Ewing and said, "I Love to Hate J.R." Her brother also had the same habit of wearing the same clothes over and over again. It wasn't that his foster family didn't provide for him. He just loved wearing the same clothes over and over and over again.
Lucas' favorite outfit was a white t-shirt and red, black, and white plaid checkered pants. I think he wore that outfit 4 school days and then for Sunday church. Well when we were in 6th grade and Lucas was in 4th grade, his first year at our school, my friend Steve took a look at Lucas after about a quarter of school had passed and said, "God that guy is weird. He wears the same outfit all the time."
I replied, "Yeah, he even wears that to church. Maybe he's some sort of crime fighter and that's his uniform." "What kind of hero is he? A checkerman?"
Well the name stuck and soon we were calling Lucas "Checkerman". He actually dug the name and told me on the bus that he was going to debut his crimefighting outfit at church on Sunday. I just said, "Oh God."
Well Sunday came and he Lucas comes running in his white t-shirt and checker pants but they were a little different and he also was wearing a black and red cape. Lucas came up to me and screamed, "DO YOU HAVE ANY CRIME THAT NEEDS FIGHTING? CHECKERMAN IS HERE!"
I was staring in disbelief. Lucas had taken a white t-shirt and wrote "Checkerman" on it with black marker and he also drew a few black and red circles on the shirt. His cape was interesting. He said he cut a pillow case and colored it with red and black markers. He also glued a few checkers on the outside. Lucas looked exactly like what you'd think a superhero named Checkerman would look like.Well had Sunday school and all the grades met together for a brief devotion and introduction to our lesson. I can't remember how it started but Lucas got up during the middle of the devotion and started hooting as loud as he could and he jumped up on a church pew and started throwing checkers at people. Yes, he carried checkers with him and threw them at "evil doers". Well a Sunday school teacher didn't cotton to Lucas throwing checkers at evil doers so she grabbed him and pulled him out of the church. Then we didn't see him for the rest of Sunday school but when church was about to start here comes Lucas running into church acting as if he's flying and he screams, "HAVE NO FEAR, CHECKERMAN IS HERE!" Surprisingly he didn't do anything weird during church but you could just tell he had big plans for school. After church I went home with my parents and called my friend Steve and told him all about Checkerman and told him to be ready for tomorrow.
Lucas and I rode the bus with a couple other students from my town and sure enough Lucas was dressed like Checkerman. Brian, who was in my class, and I sat in back and wondered aloud what would happen once we got to school. Well that was quickly answered. Lucas ran off the bus and into the school. He ran into the doorway of every classroom and screamed, "HAVE NO FEAR, CHECKERMAN IS HERE!" No one had a clue as to what just happened. I get into my classroom and the kids are asking me what Lucas was doing. I explained how he thought he was now a superhero named Checkerman. Everyone was thankful we weren't in his classroom.
School started and everything was going swimmingly. We were just about to start math class when we heard the 3rd and 4th grade teacher scream "LUCAS!" It turned out that right at the end of their religion class he stood on top of his desk and screamed about being Checkerman, put on his cape, started throwing checkers at people and was jumping from desk to desk. We could here the teacher yelling at him to get down. The principal heard the commotion and he opened our classroom door and went to try to bring Lucas to an order. Lucas was jumping around from desk to desk The teachers tried to grab him but Lucas evaded them and he threw marbles on the floor. Apparently he was a fan of cartoons. He then came running into our room and threw checkers at some of us. Then he took off through the principal's office which was attached to our classroom and he ran outside. The 7th and 8th grade teacher tackled him and Lucas started screaming an ungodly death scream. Lucas' foster parents were called in and he was taken away. The principal came into the classroom and told us to pray for Lucas. I raised my hand and asked, "What should we do with the checkers?" The principal told us to bring them up front. 20 checkers were placed on the desk.
It turned out Lucas had a pretty severe case of ADHD and was put on so many behavior altering medicines that he was practically a zombie. He didn't wear the checkerman outfit for a few months and then one day he wore the complete outfit but he was totally zombified and did nothing crazy. Lucas had a pretty much uneventful rest of his academic career at that school except for one instance when he drew the name of his crush for secret Santa at Christmas time. He didn't buy her a gift. He made her present. He recorded himself singing Achy Breaky Heart but he changed a few of the lyrics to make it personalized for this girl. She was horrified. She gave it to the bus driver and he played it on the bus's stereo. Lucas had recorded himself singing Achy Breaky Heart for 90 minutes, 45 minutes each side. I wish I had that tape because I would definitely upload it. Then I graduated 8th grade and I didn't see much of Lucas. Because I went away to high school I usually went to church where I was living so I didn't see him much. When I was in college I found out Lucas had moved into an apartment across the street from my parents. I asked him if he had come over and threw checkers at them. Then one day I was visiting and I was outside enjoying a beer. Lucas came walking by and said hi. I waved and said hi. He just didn't seem to be the same.
It wasn't until last year that I had my next run-in with Lucas. It wasn't in person but through the newspaper. It turns out Lucas went off his medicine and decided that he was no longer a crime fighter and he beat the shit out of his girlfriend. The police were called in and that made Lucas furious. He started beating police and their tasers didn't phase him. He put one cop in the hospital because he beat him in the head. Lucas was getting tired from fighting and the tasers so instead of kicking or throwing punches he pulled down his pants and defecated into his hand and then he threw his shit at the police. Once he was out of shit he was tackled. A cop had Lucas in a choke hold and Lucas lowered his mouth and bit the cop putting him in the hospital for 30+ stitches. When they finally got him handcuffed and hog tied he attempted to urinate on them as they carried him away.
Lucas is currently a resident of the state of Wisconsin in one of our jails. It was sort of sad when Lucas' foster dad died and he couldn't come to the funeral because he was in prison. Anyway, I can't believe I hadn't shared my story of Checkerman before. I hope you enjoyed and if it was too long for you to read, here's some photos. I must admit I need to work on a better ending but then who knows what will become of him when he gets out of prison. Maybe he'll go back to fighting crime.
I think you need to get your dogs a new toy or else you need to find a better hiding spot.
Any lady who comes to my house will be stuffed one way or another.
Alle Damen lieben der Führer.
Oh, girls.
Brewers...fuck yeah!
Comments (25)
That was an interesting story, but it made me choke up
Poor Checkerman, so hurting and out of control.
The pictures though... man, those made me laugh.
The part about penis being the chief export from Brazil made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pantaloons!
That you got into trouble for not being able to sing, made me upset. I hated it when teachers did things like that....and wouldn't believe the kid.
I thought Checkerman was very creative...especially the checker throwing.
The Achy Breaky tape...that is so sweet, yet so sad.
I'm sorry Lucas had such a tough time in life and is now sitting in prison.
I taught some kids who were just like Lucas and were filled with great anger. I often wonder where they are today. 
I have actually expected to hear some of their names on the national news for going on a killing spree...they were so violent as children. But, so far I haven't heard anything bad about them. Kids like Lucas have such tough lives. 
Thank you for sharing this story. It has some good messages in it.
LOVE the photos! Ha! Especially the first one! And I am going to try making those shape-eggs soon!
HUGS!!
It was a kind of long story; thanks for sharing. It was very sad story
Well funny also but the ending is sad. I hope his ex is ok.
That kid was amazing up until the beatings part... which was very sad.. but still kinda impressive in its own way
Poor Lucas! He was the kind of kid I would have been afraid to laugh at because I always thought that one day the weird, unpopular kids would try to kill us all Carrie-style at a class reunion or something.
The penis story made me laugh out loud. Saw a similar incident in college, although that was because of someone saying "peanuts" with a mouth full of peanuts.
I have to admit, I was hoping for a happy ending for Checkerman. :C
one of my old teachers gave her baby my name too. WTF.
Poor guy.
Checkerman...bummer.
Brazilian exports - AWESOME!!
One more thing: I wonder if Lucas was on the autism spectrum, but undiagnosed? While Zoe was receiving behavior therapy at the clinic, her therapists told me about some of their experiences, and it sounds a lot like what you've described here. Throwing poop, spitting, peeing, lashing out, throwing menstrual blood, smearing bodily fluids (and solids) on walls, floors and people. All common on the spectrum among people with behavioral disorders.
your checkerman has to be comprised of many characters in my memories
oi he must have been quite the memories. ever notice how important as in you will be wrestled and or carried bodily out to the doctors or woodshed if you do not? eff conformity.
The original story of Checkerman the crime fighter shall live in my brain FOREVER.
Yippee! Breastfeeding time!
@ZombieMom_Speaks - i was thinking the same thing
the system really failed Lucas
@opticalnoise - I think another reason he turned into a zombie for a while was because his foster mom died. I forgot to mention that his foster dad was a cousin of mine through some shirt tail relation. He remarried not long after his wife died and the new wife really did help Lucas. I think Lucas didn't respect his first foster mom because she was about his height. I don't think she was much over 4ft tall.
@AdamsWomanFell - Yeah that teacher was notorious for doing stuff like that. There was also the time that she believed a kid who outright lied simply because he was a pastor's son. He said I called him Four Eyes but the truth was I didn't even talk to him. She punished me for something I allegedly said at the bus stop 10 miles away.
I had a few students that I thought would wind up in prison for murder but they proved me wrong and went into the military.
Glad you enjoyed.
@pinktiger335 - I haven't heard but I think they had a child together but I don't think he has visitation or custody.
@TheGiantSlayer - Yeah, I was shocked to read it in the papers. I did a Google search and found him on prison penpals. I think he gets out in about a year.
@girlForgetful - Yeah, I just tried to ignore him because he was sort of special and I don't know if it's a phobia but I feel uneasy around some special people but that's because I was attacked at a group home by a guy with Down's Syndrome because I beat him in a video game.
@AmanduhPie - I wouldn't have had issues if she named him just after my first name but first and middle was awfully weird and then what made it weirder was how my mom would stuff diaper coupons in my book bag and I would have to give them to her every Monday morning.
@ZombieMom_Speaks - See after he went on medicine and his foster mom died he seemed decent. I don't know what exactly he had but it was pretty heavy. He had to sit in the front seat of the bus every day no matter what. He begged to sit in other seats but the driver wouldn't let him.
@starmanjones - Oh Checkerman is just one character for me.
@SasGal - I've often wanted to draw comics of Cherkerman but I can't draw.
@RestlessButterfly - I wonder if that is a factor in his behavior.
@BranmacFeabhail - yeah I feel bad because I now see he needed special education more than he needed a religious education where the teachers aren't properly trained to teach differently abled children. All my training was a one semester course called Teaching Exceptional Children.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Make stick figures OR http://superherosquad.marvel.com/create_your_own_comic
@godfatherofgreenbay - Never mind me, I'm just being silly anyway.
BTW, I like your new ProfilePic! Did you make that?
@godfatherofgreenbay - yea, I'm sure he wouldn't. It must surely be hard for the girl and child. *sigh* so many tough times in life.
Alle Damen lieben der Fuhrer. Das sehr stimmt!
Oh, that story made me literally lol, not just fake lol. I have a lot of good memories of crazy kids from when I was in school, but nobody quite THAT crazy. I think if Checkerman had been in my grade he would have fit in just fine. We used to pretend to be superheroes and all that all the time.
Gosh I miss 3rd grade. I thought I went to a small school - there were only 48 kids in my grade - but yours is way smaller.
They're called the formative years ... for what reason? I don't know, but to have the understanding of adults ... and fellow classmates, rather, to understand the adults? And fellow classmates. Yours are jam packed with experience!
@SasGal - awesome...thank you
@AdamsWomanFell - no I just took a movie poster of a movie that is about me
@Cestovatelka - Es ist richtig
@pinktiger335 - life is a giant struggle, just some have more than others. I think he gets out in April of 2012.
@leaflesstree - I think there were 100 kids total in my school. Basically 20 to a classroom and then maybe 10 in a grade. In the world of Lutheran schools that's considered a large school although my friend who teaches at a Lutheran grade school said he usually had over 20 in one grade.
There was a girl at my school who was sort of like Checkerman in that she did very unusual things like scolding my friend Steve because after he took a drink at the bubbler he burped. She chased him down the hallways screaming about how he thought burping in school was cool but it wasn't and how it was really bad.
@sleekpeek - I now know not to make suggestions of someone being a superhero.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Yes, very true... and struggles in many different levels. I hope he's on his Meds when he gets out for the sake of his child.
That is amazing! We have a white tile back splash that lacks
imagination (installed by previous owner), but this rocks! Great style!
ming green marble Tile
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<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="19" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false"
unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"/>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}