September 3, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 9/2/11

  I keep thinking I am done with work on my float but things keep popping up in my head and I'm going to be doing more work.  Great.  At least today I didn't get burned when I used the hot glue gun.  I really need to remember to charge my batteries so I can get some photos.  Anyway it's time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  There have been many rumors floating around that state that Tupac Shakur is still alive.  Well members of his former rap group, Young Outlawz, made a video this week stating once and for all that he is dead.  They have proof.  They took his ashes, rolled them with some marijuana and smoked Tupac.  They said they did it because in one of Tupac's last "songs" he said that his last wishes were for n-words to smoke his ashes.  Well I guess that solves that although I'm sure there will be people that will deny that they smoked his ashes and claim that he's still releasing songs.  Well when all you do is rhyme words it's not that hard to put out hundreds and hundreds of songs.
  
  You better not mess with Steven Segal because if you do he'll shoot your puppy and run over your roosters.  While filming another season of his reality show, Lawman, Segal and the police department were going to take out a farm that was allegedly raising roosters for fighting.  Well the police decided the best way to take out this cock fighting ring was to drive their tactical tank to the farm.  They ran over a wall and actually crushed the chicken coop killing multiple roosters.  Also when police left the vehicle shots were fired and they killed a dog.  The owner of the roosters and dog is now suing the police department and A&E and Steven Segal for $100,000.  The guy's name is Jesus thus proving once and for all that no one fucks with the Jesus.  All of that for a Big Lebowski joke...I rule.
  
  While everyone was bracing for Hurricane Irene no one was planning on Hurricane Shia.  He proved once and for all that he is a terrible dinner guest.  He was dining with Marilyn Manson and Manson's girlfriend and Shia's girlfriend Karolyn Pho.  Shia took a drink from his water bottle and spit it all over his date.  He then took another drink and spit it all over Marilyn Manson.  He then started screaming at his date and became very angry and got up and left and tried picking fights with people in the crowded venue.  He eventually left even after strangers tried to hold him back so he wouldn't hurt someone.  His date quickly followed and Marilyn Manson remained seated.  People should have spit water at him because he always looks like he needs a shower.  I think Hurricane Shia blew more than Irene.
  
  Say what you will about Marilyn Manson, but you have to admit that he dates the most graceful and demur flowers.  Manson was spotted with this new girlfriend by the paparazzi and she donned a mask and showed off her brand new merkin.  Sweet Lord!  A MERKIN!  How awesome is it that I am writing about merkins?  One of my favorite characters in cinema was named Merkin Muffley...true story.
  
  Robin Leach turned 70 this week.  When I was a kid I always dreamed of being on his show.  Does that antiquate me?  Well I never made it on his show mostly because the decade of decadence came to an end and people got pissed about the super wealthy.  Now I will mock him.  Have a happy fucking birthday you fucking limey jerkwad.  There, I showed him.  Suddenly I am in the mood for cupcakes.
  
  Richard Gere turned 62 this week.  I don't know how he celebrated but you can't find a gerbil anywhere.  Seriously, I wonder if he'll ever live that down.  I bet when he dies, the cable news networks will have experts on to discuss whether or not he shoved gerbils up his ass.
  
  If I had a dollar for every time Minka Kelly acted like she wanted to fondle me, I'd be pretty rich.  Actually she's just showing of how big of bats Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez were packing.  No way I could date her after she dated 2 Yankees...wait, who am I kidding?  Beggars can't be choosers.
  
  If you had any plans of making out with Michelle Branch...DON'T!  It looks like she has a case of the Paris Hiltons.  Just wait a few days for that to clear up.
  
  This is Matthew Fox.  He played Jack Shephard on LOST.  He is currently filming a movie in Cleveland.  Last Saturday Matthew was out drinking because apparently there isn't anything else to do in Cleveland.  He then tried to board a private party bus but the bus driver told him that he couldn't board.  The bus driver repeatedly tried to tell him to leave but Matthew was slurring all his words and she couldn't understand what he was saying.  She finally understood when he started throwing punches.  He punched her in the breasts and then he threw a few punches and they hit her in the vag.  He was drunk so they weren't great punches.  The bus driver reared back and cold-cocked him in the jaw.  He fell backwards and started coughing up blood.  Unless you're Chris Brown, what sort of asshole punches a woman in the vagina?  Prosecutors in Cleveland have charged him with assault and he was arrested.  The bus driver is also in the process of filing a civil suit.  I don't understand the whole punching thing and I probably never will.  Sure I punch women in the cervix but that's because I'm a romantic.  I just don't see any love in the world these days.
  
  Whitney Houston was discussing a time she ate at Michael Jackson's house this week.  She said that while they were eating she dropped a knife and Michael quick jumped under the table to retrieve it.  Then Whitney claimed she felt something take off her shoe and start sucking on her toes.  She said Michael's name and he popped up and asked what she wanted.  She looked under the table and there was Michael's chimp, Bubbles, sucking on her toes.  I wonder if she had peanut butter on them.  I'm not shocked by this story.  Maybe all the molestation accusations against Michael were wrong and Bubbles was the naughty one.
  
  Malin Akerman loves me!  She really loves me!  Oh you didn't know but my name is Matthew Oswald so she had to share her love for me in shirt form.  OK so maybe my name isn't Matthew Oswald but for her I'd change my name so she could show her love for me on a t-shirt.  T-shirt expressions of love are the purest form of love.
  
  Madonna made an appearance at the Venice film fest this week.  Aging and Kabbalah water haven't been too kind on her.
  
  Lindsay Lohan got herself a new tattoo.  I almost thought about sharing it in my Terrible Tattoo post but I thought it would be better here.  In case you can't read that because Harvey Levin has to stamp his brand everywhere it says "Clear as crystal sharp as a knife I feel like I'm in the prime of my life".  So how do we interpret that tattoo?  "Clear as crystal"...clear as a crystal meth pipe that she shared with multiple people at her last party.  "Sharp as a knife"...that she threatened to stab herself with the last time Sam Ronson broke up with her and also the knife she used to kill her career.  "I feel"...like going to the bar and getting blitzed.  "I'm in the prime of my life"...LOL you call this the prime of your life, please, you haven't been popular for anything positive since Herbie and that movie blew.  In other destructive behavior, Lindsay tweeted Chris Brown at the VMAs and asked if he wanted to meet-up with her.  OK, Lindsay, that may just be lust but if you want to pursue a relationship with Chris Brown, here are some tips.  First, you have to stand up for yourself because he hates passive women.  Next, don't be afraid to voice your opinion no matter how much he disagrees with you because Chris enjoys a good debate.  Finally, if you have to criticize him, do it in a disrespectful manner because he loves to be corrected by his girlfriends.  He will fall madly in love with you if you follow these simple steps.
  
  Leann Rimes was spotted frolicking at the beach this week.  Did you know that for just 25 cents a day you can sponsor a starving former celebrity?  God, I would crush her. 
  
  A mystery buyer approached Vivid entertainment this week and said they wanted to purchase the rights to Kim Kardashian's sextape.  They want to purchase everything, including the footage that wasn't included in the original release.  The owner of Vivid, Steve Hirsch, said this buyer doesn't intend to broadcast or sell the tape but to completely remove it from the market.  It looks like Kim's mom finally unveiled her wedding present to Kim and Kris.  I guess that's the great part about giving the rich tax breaks.  They can buy up all the rights to their child's sextape.  Hirsch said the buy offered $5million but he said that he won't sell it for less than $30million.  I have a feeling that this is just another publicity stunt by both Vivid and the Kardashians.  They don't want the tape off the market, they just want people buying it again even though the tape is like taking Ambien.  I had more exciting sex last night and I was all by myself.  I'm pretty sure they know this tape won't completely disappear but if they talk about it it will sell.  In fact, this story was a #1 story on CNN a few days ago.  I know one person that hasn't seen that sextape.  It's Kris Humphries.  Just this week he was on an airplane flight and was seated in first class next to Kim's sextape partner Ray-J.  Ray-J asked if he knew who he was and Humphries said he didn't and Ray-J told Kris he used to date Kim and Humphries just stared at him blankly.  Kris Humphries should send thank you cards and flowers and chocolates every day for the rest of his life to Ray-J since Ray-J made sure Kim's vagina was lined with gold, both money and the gold he showered her with.  I'm glad Ray-J showed restraint.  If that was me, I would've whipped out my dick on the tray and said, "This is what made your wife rich.  All that stuff you now married into, it's because of this."  People are saying that Kim and Kris are no trying to have a baby.  I suppose that's the next step in this relationship.  No, it isn't welcoming in a new life into the world to lavish it with love but it's so they can exploit a new human being on E!.  They'll sell exclusive photograph rights to everything for that kid.  Afterbirth...dirty diapers...breast feeding...yep, just prepare yourselves for the onslaught.
  
  Julianne Hough, of Dancing with the Stars, had her phone stolen and intimate photos she took for her boyfriend Ryan Seacrest posted online.  Well this is probably the most intimate of the photos.  She sure does know how to use a camera phone.  Does anyone else remember when cell phones didn't have cameras?  Do you remember when there weren't any cellphones?  Do you remember when there were only rotary phones?  God, I am really antiquating myself in this post.
  
  A judge this week ordered that Jon Cryer must pay his ex-wife $8000 a month in child support.  Here's the kicker, his ex-wife doesn't have custody of their child, Cryer does.  His ex was deemed an unfit mother.  This is totally fair.  It's really expensive these days to raise a child who isn't in your custody.  Wow, I think his character on Two and a Half Men is less of a loser than the real life Jon Cryer.
  
  This is for @raiderjester because he likes hearing about cancellations.  Sad news, everybody, TNT canceled Jada Pinkett Smith's TV show, HawthoRNe.  Mark Anthony was also in the cast.  Poor Jada, last week she endured all these rumors about her marriage ending and this week her TV series ends.  Somewhere Xenu is laughing and is set to launch an attack on mankind. 
  
  OK this is the most bizarre thing I have ever written.  Jack White, of every good band of the past decade or so it seems, and the Insane Clown Posse have collaborated on a cover song.  That's not the bizarre part.  The song they covered is a song that Mozart wrote.  See music teachers try to deny this and they won't talk about it in classes but Mozart was really freaky and wrote a lot of dirty songs.  The song that ICP have covered is called "Leck Mich Im Arsch" which literally translates as "lick me in the ass" and probably is our idiom "kiss my ass".  Anyway, this is just so weird.  You can give it a listen over here at Soundcloud.
  
  To combat the leaked photos of the next Batman movie, photos this week were leaked from the set of the new Superman movie.  I don't know about it but it looks sort of weird.  All I can think is "Bow to the cod-piece."  I think the movie will have a legal fight on their hands for rights to the name ManOfSteel69 on most adult dating websites.  OK quick question about Superman, how did people not know that Superman and Clark Kent were the same person?  I mean it's pretty obvious since he doesn't wear a mask.  Are people just that dumb?
  
  Hayden Panettiere was showing off her skills at a premiere.  Trust me, Hayden, it will fit once you start working.
  
  This may be the saddest story I've ever written.  David Hasselhoff was spotted buying wrapping paper for his daughter's birthday and then he ate at a Chili's...alone.  Oh that's so sad.  David, I'll be your friend...as long as you pay for our meal at Chili's.
  
  Courtney Stodden turned 17 this week.  Her husband is still 51.  She told everyone on Twitter that she was going to spend her birthday with her husband.  She also tweeted this: "While I lie beneath this sizzling-sun, the popsicle that I am sweetly sucking on begins to melt & drips irresistibly all over my moist body!"   And this: "Celebrating the last night of being sweet-n-sexy 16 by wearing NOTHING but my tasty bday-suit! Mmm; Yummy! "  I think she's trying to hard to be cast in a new movie based on the Nabokov novel "Lolita".  I hope I look that good when I turn 17 for the 30th time. There is no way she is 17 but I guess that won't stand up in court but it will get her married.
  
  Last week Chelsea Handler was escorted out of a private party at a nightclub because she was caught in the men's bathroom in a stall with a guy who was wearing gold shoes who wasn't her boyfriend and had been suspected of selling coke.  When will people learn?  You don't use toilet seats to snort that good shit, you use a mirror you keep in your purse.  GLAAD was offended by Handler this week when she made jokes about Dancing with the Stars cast member Chaz Bono.  She said, "The Dancing with the Stars cast has been announced and, this is season 13, it includes Chaz Bono, otherwise known as Chastity Bono [laughs] before she got her penis".  GLAAD is demanding an apology and also for Handler to have transgender celebrities on her show so that she will be able to know the hurt she has caused based on her punchlines.  Look, I don't find her that funny and she's sucked off half of Hollywood because how else would you explain how she got on TV and she treats everyone like shit.  Apparently Chaz doesn't have a penis...yet.  Maybe Chelsea can wait for when Chaz gets his dick so she can see if she recognizes it.
  
  Beyonce debuted her new addition to the world at the VMAs.  That's right, Beyonce is pregnant and Jay-Z is the father.  If Jay-Z says he still only has 99 problems then he probably isn't that good of a father and we better call CPS on him.  Apparently Snooki approached Beyonce at an after-party and had Beyonce her Planned Parenthood frequent buyer card and said that if Beyonce wasn't sure about keeping it she should use Snooki's card so Snooki can get her next mistake taken care of for free.  And let the hate poor in...email me at thetheologianscafe at yahoo dot com.
  
  And as I mentioned earlier, Dancing with the Stars announced it's next cast this week.  I kept seeing DWTS everywhere this week and I once again thought it stood for "Dining with Tartar Sauce".  Here they are: Nancy Grace (you know she's going to give that evil glare at the judges every week and she'll have to make comments about Casey Anthony and thank her because without Casey Nancy Grace is nothing), Chaz Bono (Cher's daughter who became a guy and who FOX News is trying to crucify), Elisabetta Canalis (I think the only thing she's famous for is boning George Clooney), Carson Kressley (He's one of those gay guys that try to prettify straight guys...sweet Jesus, prettify is an actual word, spellcheck accepted it), Rob Kardashain (Just another Kardashian trying to be an attention whore), Chynna Phillips (Member of Wilson Phillips who I really don't know), JR Martinez (he's an Iraqi war vet who became a daytime soap opera star), Ricki Lake (She will win this mess because just look at her dance in Hairspray), Ron Artest (I won't call him Meta World Peace until he legally changes his name, he couldn't change his name because he had unpaid traffic tickets, since the NBA is on strike he has nothing better to do than to dance on national television but then again that is how I view basketball), Kristin Cavallari (some hoe from The Hills who was dumped by Jay Cutler, he can't see anything through to the end, can he?), Hope Solo (She's Han Solo's love child with Princess Leia and she plays a sport where she slaps balls, how could I not be in love with her?), David Arquette(Former WCW wrestling champion turned alcoholic).  I may actually have to give this season a viewing or just when Hope Solo and Ricki Lake dance.

  Video Section:
  Kim Kardashian is now whoring herself in the music industry.  Here's a preview of her music video.  It hasn't been fully released yet because the Kardashian Klan know how to pimp themselves out to the world.
  
  I need to wrap this up before this thunderstorm hits.  Have a great weekend.

  • 8:13 PM
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