September 14, 2011

• Motivation

  Have you ever wondered if white supremacists hate zebras?

  When a bum asks to bum a cigarette does he say, “Will you me me a cigarette?”

  I’m trying to avid political jokes simply because they are too easy sort of like Bristol Palin.

  OK, one…my idea of a tea party debate is when I get my girlfriend really drunk and try to get her to open her mouth and let me dunk my nuts.

  I was reading up on my mythology this week and was excited to read the chapter about the mythical creature that is the girlfriend who eagerly wears a jersey her boyfriend gave her and watches football patiently without asking questions or complaining about how my farts really smell and I need to lay off the spicy food.

  Beer before liquor, you’ll never be sicker.  Liquor before beer, I’m sorry I put a hole in your wall and punched your dad and set your refrigerator on fire.

  I took a bite out of a cookie expecting it to be a chocolate chip cookie but it was raisin.  That was the biggest Shamylan twist of my life.

  A recent study found that houses built in 2010 were 650 sq. ft. larger than houses built in 1980 and that is because people are 650sq. ft. larger today.

  A study recently found that an apple a day is not a proper substitute for health insurance.

  The board game clue is being upgraded with a Casey Anthony edition.  She did it with a chloroform rag in the car’s trunk.

  The stock market is going down faster than a prostitute who just got paid.

  The NFL approved players’ personal salutes for the tenth anniversary of 9/11.  Most players were expected to wear special gloves and shoes.  The NFL stepped in before Plaxico Burress could deliver his one gun salute.

  Texas A&M is set to leave the Big 12 Conference.  BYU has expressed interest by arriving at Big 12 headquarters on their bikes and knocking repeatedly asking for a minute of their time.

  I think the new movie “A Dolphin’s Tale” is a reworking of “A Bronx Tale”.  Chaz Palminteri was replaced by a dolphin.  The dolphin has more charisma.

  My girlfriend loves it when I share a bubble bath with her.  She just doesn’t like it when I share my own bubbles.

  Guys, if a girl invites you to her house to “watch a movie” at her house and you actually watch a movie then you are a failure as a man.

  If you think God moves in mysterious ways then you should see how I move after I see a spider.

  Have you ever seen someone jogging who doesn’t look miserable?  Why bother if it’s not going to make you happy?

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I’m working on inventing an ice cream sandwich that doesn’t look like you’ve been playing with shit after you’ve finished eating it.

  People tell me I should try stand-up comedy but I’d probably be so nervous onstage that I’d piss all over the place and the audience but that could be good because I’d be a Gallagher/ R. Kelly hybrid comic.

  I think Blow Pops were originally marketed for girls with daddy issues.

  Did you know girls poop?  I didn’t and now my world is upside down.

  If I ever have kids, I’ll force them to wear Crocs if they ever tell me they hate me.

  Is the lady who delivers your food to your table at Burger King considered a waitress?  I think it’s classier to say I banged a waitress instead of I banged the lady who brings food to your table at Burger King.

  Most of my knowledge of the female orgasm comes from the one time I saw When Harry Met Sally.
  

  To all the ladies who have propositioned me over the years here on Xanga…yes, I will have sex with all of you.
  

  “You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.
  

  I’m trying to help Xanga start a new marketing campaign and I’m submitting two new slogans.  First: “Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”  Second: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”
  

  I wish I could ctrl alt delete some Xangans.
  

  AOL is in talks to purchase Xanga.  They want to merge so all their users can have one place to gather.  This will double the amount of users to 48.
  

  • 9:28 PM
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