September 15, 2011

• Haikus and Other Stuff

  Don't I have issues
  I should really be locked up
  Straight jacket for me
  

  I'm American
  The only cure that I need
  is even more pills

  Zoos can be much fun
  Single moms bring their children
  Single moms need fun

  A water closet
  To a Wisconsinite is
  The great outdoors, ja!
  

  My love life is dead
  Much like Martin Luther King
  But I'm not that free

  I woke up early
  Weeding blueberry bushes
  Oh sweet, blueberries

  Love lives are haikus
  They are short and long and short
  Just like my penis

  Haikus can be fun
  All of the time and each time
  Tumblr is not fun

  The Pro Billiards League
  My balls need to get in holes
  That's innuendo
  

  It's interesting
  because it's the spice of life
  not coriander

  Haikus in German
  Ausgezeichnet but too hard
  I'll stick with English
  

  The lake at nighttime
  One can hear the bugs humming
  Over the silence

  Winter, we don't speak,
  But spring brings me back to you
  Autumn leaves fall like me.

  Snow falls heavenly.
  Blanketing the earth in white.
  I repose in thought.

  I see you drivin’
  round town with the girl I love,
  And I'm like, fuck you

  I see you drivin’
  round town with the girl I love
  and I’m like, fuck you

  In the moon you fly,
  only to be lured away.
  The candle flickers.

  You're all indifferent.
  Post-industrial mindset.
  America in decline.

  With work tomorrow,
  I await the rise of the sun.
  I don't give a fuck.

  The trees are bleeding
  Their leaves have covered the ground
  Where we shall return

  Collective conscience.
  You're all fucking slaves to me.
  Solace in groupthink.

  Winter Battle dawns
  Snowblower is ready, OH FUCK
  Starter cord snaps in two

  I should go to bed
  My television interrupts me
  God damnmit pawn stars

  My penis itches
  A prostitute gave me this
  Doctor tomorrow

  Fleshlight seemed cool
  Does not alleviate sadness
  It’s fucking plastic

  Ungh. Oh sweet Jesus.
  Gotta take a wicked shit.
  Ungh. Oh lordy. Shit.

  I killed a hooker.
  Said my dick was "mangina"
  Just like Uncle Joe.

  Haikus can be fun
  Not everyone can write them
  Eat watermelon

  Bravo, I like this
  Haikus can be really fun
  Orange elephants.

  I love the haiku
  I am the haiku warlock
  yours is much better

  I need to write more
  Xanga revolves around it
  Haikus and drama

  Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs
  boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs
  boobs boobs boobs melons.

  winning at winning
  I'm writing winning haikus.
  women still hate me.

  This is a rabbit.
  It was born to fuck non-stop.
  Too bad it's not straight.

  Wow bitch, you scare me
  I need to get away now
  Oh crap Im so screwed

  my penis rages
  at the sight of this lady
  goddamn, I'd hit it.

  I'd take my cum hose
  and fill her with my man-juice
  I guarantee it.

  my glasses shatter
  why do you do this to me
  my nutbladder broke

  I've had it with these
  Motherfucking snakes, on this
  Motherfucking plane

  yes i hope they die
  and they deserve to burn
  I am Sam Jackson

  it'll get you drunk
  hows it taste muthafucka
  this is how i talk

  Captain Obvious
  Is that you? You still fucking
  fail, again, die please.

  watching while you sleep
  you sleep with your mouth open
  which is convenient

  HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER
  FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE
  I GUARANTEE IT

  girl, eating her lunch
  suddenly drenched by manseed
  flash mob bukkake

  stretching, chunky pain
  maybe we need more butter
  mmm corncob assplug

  i pulled up to the
  house around seven or eight
  and yelled to the cab

  homes smell you later
  then i looked at my kingdom
  i was finally

  there to sit on my
  throne as the prince of bel air.
  Will Smith still sucks dick

  loving you is hard
  but not as hard as Slayer
  that shit fucking rocks

  Birthdays are so fun
  Why did my friends leave early?
  Stillbirth party hat.

  I had killed a man
  he had a wife and two kids
  I slept peacefully

  we are going back
  to potatoes to get my
  fucking power wrist

  She never forgets
  to clean up after herself
  Because I beat her

  She don't move around
  She don't make a single sound
  Necrophilia!

  salty taco bell
  three dollars for a whole meal
  my farts are drippy

  George W Bush.
  Santa declared terrorist.
  North pole genocide.

  I eat the mushroom,
  I become a man, so tall!
  I'm a shit plumber

  An in-call stripper
  Makes virtually no noise
  When stuffed in the fridge

  A Big Mac, some fries
  Oral sex from a hobo...
  Things that cost a buck.

  Unhooking the bra,
  The moment of truth...oh no
  Bologna nipples!

  worker bees can leave
  even drones can fly away
  the queen is their slave

  This is Major Tom
  Captain, something has gone wrong
  Send help; Major Tom

  God, Fucking magnets
  How do they work, Fuck this shit.
  Ima just go troll
  

  refrigerator
  antidisestablishment
  so many elephants

  My alligator
  he is like shining gold sun
  gives me big hard on

  You wrote a haiku
  I am known to dabble too
  Sex sex sex sex sex

  these haikus are good
  I try to write some haikus
  Green Bay Packers win?

  Yes, the Packers won!
  They are America's team
  Drink beer and eat cheese

  Haters gonna hate.
  Art thou furious broski?
  They see me rollin'
  
  I like poetry
  Especially my haikus
  I need to write more
  
  
  I saw this on the Secrets post and I was all like...AWESOME...but think I was like ONCE?  I bet it was past tense because of all the masturbation jokes and creepy haikus or they saw the true me in my vlogs...sigh...please tell me who you are.
  
  This really made my day.  I hope this post didn't repulse you even with the necrophilia haikus.
  
  I will never forget.  I just need to know who you are.
  
  So I  will keep posting Caturday posts...AS LONG AS YOU TELL ME WHO WANTS TO GIVE ME A BLOW JOB!
  
  Someone hates their job.
  
  They really have run out of ideas in Hollywood.
  
  You lost to a girl.  You mad, bro?
  
  I am so addicted to winning and writing haikus.
  
  and in case you want to troll...remember, I have a crown.

  • 4:08 PM
  • 67 Comments