October 1, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 9/30/11

  Yep, here I am.  I don't' really have anything cute to say here because I'm sort of exhausted with all the work I've been doing.  It was a bumper crop so I'm thankful.  Anyway it was my parents' 33rd anniversary and I didn't remember that until we are seated at the restaurant and they tell the hostess that they were there 33 years ago for their wedding reception.  It felt so odd to be out with them.  Oh well.  Time for the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Wilford Brimley turned 77 this week.  He couldn't celebrate with a birthday cake because of his diabetes but thanks to Liberty Medical and Medicare because his diabetes testing supplies are covered by Medicare through Liberty Medical.  Thanks to Liberty Medical he's able to check his blood sugar and if you call now you can receive a free diabetes meter.
  
  People are claiming that Uma Thurman trashed a $140,000 yacht last weekend.  She had rented it for a party with her lady friends and they went out on the sea.  When the yacht was returned the owner saw that there were numerous red wine stains on a white Persian rug and some fancy tables were broken in half and the legs were broken off and looked like they were used to smash things around the boat such as dishes and glasses.  It sounds like Uma is turning into a rapper.  She's in her 40s which means no more ragers like that and also she's no longer relevant to the majority of Hollywood.  She will always have a place in Quentin Tarantino's heart.
  
  Sources are saying that there is a new American Pie movie in the works and there was a list of what each of the main characters would get paid.  Jason Biggs would receive $5million and part of the gross.  Sean William Scott would get $5million plus some of the gross.  Alyson Hannigan is getting $3million.  Eugene Levy gets $3million.  Chris Klein, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nichols, Natasha Lyonne, Jennifer Coolidge, Mena Survari, and Shannon Elizabeth will get anywhere from $500,000 to $750,000 plus bonuses depending on how well the movie does and dvd sells.  And then there's Tara Reid.  She will only receive $250,000 for her appearance.  I suppose they could save money and use a janitor's mop in her place.  She doesn't need the money because she'll make billions doing the Big Lebowski sequel that she claims is in the works even though the Coen brothers laughed at her thinking this would happen.  She'll actually come out on top because she'll steal enough food from the catering during production to make up for the money differences.
  
  Stacy Keibler posed for some fashion magazine and reminded us why George Clooney is dating her.  It's odd that they don't show her face but then they did capture her greatest asset. 
  
  I used to make fun of these douche bags on a weekly basis but then they fell off the map and I quit.  Well I heard news about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt that actually made me feel sorry for them.  They are flat broke.  And not only are they broke but they owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in commission to their agents.  They can't get work because no one has interest in them and they ruined their reputations by their behavior on TV and their agents won't get work for them because of all the money they owe.  Spencer is supposedly calling his agent up to 30 times a day begging for work on his agent's voicemail and if he gets through the agent laughs at him.  The agent has also said he won't book them for work until he gets paid.  This is what I see happening to most reality stars and will happen to Kate Gosslein, the Jersey Shore kids, and the Kardashian Klan in the future.  They won the one shot at fame lottery for doing nothing important and then they think they're famous and the money will keep flowing in even though they have no discernible talent.  I have a feeling that in a couple of years I'll be seeing Snooki and Heidi Montag at a place outside of town called Cruisin' Chubbys.
  
  Snooki recently tweeted that she took the diet pill Zantrex to lose weight.  The side effects say a person may suffer jitters, anxiety, increased sweating, increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, nausea, stomach aches, diarrhea, loss of appetite, cold sweats, restlessness, and frequent urination which are the same side effects of having sex with Snooki.  I once took diet pills and spent the weekend sitting in the corner of my bathroom shaking like a heroin user.
  
  Former funk legend Sly Stone has seen better days.  The New York Post tracked down Sly to a van parked in the Crenshaw section of L.A.  His license plate has become his permanent address and he's went from living in mansions to living in a van.  It's tragic that a piece of trash like Lindsay Lohan has a mansion and a legend like Sly has a van.  Stone said that he lost most of his money to drugs and shady dealings.  Just a couple of years ago he was living in Napa Valley and then his royalty checks stopped coming because a manager tricked him into signing over his finances.  He also doesn't own any of the rights to his songs because Michael Jackson bought them years ago.  Sly said he doesn't know if he wants to go back to owning a house because he enjoys traveling in his van.  He's still making music with his laptop but he thinks the FBI is trying to kill him but that could just be all the stuff he's smoked over the years speaking.  Why not put him on Dancing with the Stars instead of some useless model or Kardashian?
  
  Awww...how cute?  In the first photo we see Justin Bieber asking Selena Gomez if she's ever had that not so fresh feeling.  Justin Bieber is quite the romantic.  He was inspired by the greatest love movie of all time...Mr. Deeds...and rented out the Staples Center in Los Angeles just for the couple.  While there, they had a private screening of Titanic.  Of course before they had their private screening, they went to a Demi Lovato concert across the street and then walked underground for their movie date.  Justin Bieber didn't pay a thing because the staff of the Staples Center gave it to him as a thank you for selling out the venue 3 times.  After the movie, Selena lounged out on stadium chairs and asked Justin to draw her like on of his girls on his Etch-a-Sketch.  Man, he's got a lot to learn about dating women.  You don't have to go overboard to impress them, you just have to do enough not to screw up.  The only time you have to impress a woman is when you start dating her.  For instance, on the first date you hold the door open for your woman and then after the date you don't finish off in her hair.  Classy things like that go a long way and can lead to bigger and better things.
  
  I'm not one to spread pregnancy rumors( please tell me you haven't ever read this post before) but Selena Gomez has to be pregnant.  She was spotted outside of a hospital this week, a few days after her big date with Justin Bieber.  Her face says it all and it's screaming, "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!  Why couldn't Justin be classy like the Godfather and finish in my hair?"  Her career will just be fine if she's knocked up.  Remember Jamie Lynn Spears and how everyone said she was doomed for getting pregnant as a teen star?  She's doing alright.  Just last week she got a free couch and slushie because she did a radio ad for Uncle Bill's House of Discount Couches and Slushies.  The good thing about the couch was that it was barely used.  Also Jamie Lynn got an extra spritz of flavor syrup.  The future is bright for Selena.
  
  Sam Ronson was spotted wearing a bikini while vacationing in Mexico with Nicole Richie this week.  Sam supposedly went down to the beach to go for a swim and she was attacked by a shark.  Well not her per se but her fingers.  The shark thought it had encountered a school of tuna.  OK, a lesbian friend gave me that joke.  I don't really understand it because I haven't been with a woman in a long time.
  
  The one thing I've always wanted to see on Dancing with the Stars is a wardrobe malfunction but not a wardrobe malfunction from Nancy Grace.  I don't really think that was a malfunction but was really her boob trying to escape her body.  Even her body parts hate her.  But then that is not an uncommon thing with people and things that get near Nancy.  I think that was just a wink at Casey Anthony and Nancy's way of saying, "Who's sexy now, bitch?"  When I first heard there was a wardrobe malfunction on DWTS I was sort of hoping it was Chaz Bono and he flashed his vagina.  I'm a man's man and I don't discriminate against vaginas even if they belong to a dude. 
  
  Mike Meyers announced the name of his son this week and I bet some of you have had a dog that shared the same name.  His son's name is Spike.  Maybe Mike is trying to compensate for his weakness.  Who knows?  He also announced that he has begun work on Austin Powers 4.  GREAT!  The world was just finished with quoting those movies.  Oh behave, baby!  DAMN!
  
  I saw this photo of Michael Moore and wondered what the "S" stood for.  Is it Stocky?  Swollen?  Stuffed?  Super-Sized Sausage Swallower?  Stank?  Anyway, Peter Griffin should get back to Quahog and get back to his antics with Lois and Stewie.
  
  
  Dr. Conrad Murray went on trial this week for manslaughter in connection with Michael Jackson's death.  The bottom photo was the first photo in a slideshow presented during the prosecution's opening remarks.  The top photo is the actual photo.  So the prosecution wants the jury to think that Conrad Murray drugged a raging child molester with alprazolam, sertraline, omeprazole, hydrocodone, paroxetine, carisoprodol, and hydromorphone until he became an impotent zombie who died by a violent cardiac arrest.  I don't think they thought that through.  It's a bad sign when jurors come walking out with giant foam fingers that say "Conrad Murray is #1!"
  
  Look at this photo of Lindsay Lohan doing a photo shoot for her new employer, Philipp Plein.   Now read this quote that Plein said when he hired Lindsay: "Lindsay is a beautiful, highly acclaimed actress and model. We will be able to create unique images: refined and luxurious, but also full of sensuality,"  He obviously knows what he's talking about.  "Highly acclaimed actress and model"?  It's pretty clear he's trying to get in her pants but that's going overboard.  Hiring Lindsay Lohan as the face of your fashion line just because you want to fuck her is like going pheasant hunting with a rocket launcher.  And later this week Lindsay was spotted at a nightclub in Paris instead of finishing the 448 remaining hours of her 480 hours of community service.  In her defense, they let you get drunk at nightclubs.
  
  Lady Gaga became irate and suffered a near breakdown when a Las Vegas motel refused to give her a private pool.  She was so frustrated that she eventually checked out of the motel because she didn't get her way.  Why, that happens to me all the time.  You know, that's actually a pretty smart move by Lady Gaga for wanting to have her own private pool.  She wears rotting meat and wouldn't want any peasants to get salmonella poisoning.
  
  Last week I was apprehensive about posting a story about Bristol Palin confronting a man at a restaurant in Hollywood after he started insulting her mom.  Well now I know why I didn't.  Kyle Massey, a co-star on a new reality show with Bristol Palin, admitted to TMZ that the confrontation was staged for their reality show.  WHAT?!?!?!?!!?  Something fake happening on a reality show?  WELL I NEVER!  The producers and the guy who caused the ruckus claim it wasn't staged.  I don't know what to think.  It's pretty clear she's acting because she makes a door look like it's a human being with emotions.
  
  Kim Kardashian wore this outfit to go bowling this week.  The leather ruffles make her more aerodynamic so she can roll the boll and be pissed on easier.
  
  Speaking of the world's most famous whore, Vivid Entertainment turned down the "mystery buyer" of Kim Kardashian's sextape.  Vivid will retain ownership of the tape and continue to sell it.  Boy are they daft.  Do you know how many websites I can download it from for free when I do a google search for the sextape?  It's at least 42.  I hope Kim realizes that if her "mystery buyer" did buy that tape that all images wouldn't magically disappear from the internet.  It's online forever.  Apparently Vivid didn't think $20million was enough.  For that money I will sell the Kardashian Klan exclusive rights for the ownership of the sun.  I can sell the sun because I have Native American blood.  It's the law.  Look it up.
  
  Kendra Wilkinson opened her mouth and because she is a classy lady, classy things came out.  She said that while she was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, she would have sex right before the elimination show in her dressing trailer so when she was smiling on the show it was because she just had sex.  You know I wasn't shocked by this.  I figure that if she wasn't famous she'd be having sex in a trailer right about now.
  
  In another classy move by another one of Hugh Hefner's exgirlfriends, Holly Madison insured her breasts.  She insured her career makers for $1million.  Here's how she explains it: ""I've heard about people getting body parts insured and I thought, why not?, because if anything happened to my boobs, I'd be out for a few months and I'd probably be out a million dollars. I thought I'd cover my assets. I think it's kind of funny. I think they're getting the credit they deserve. They're my primary money makers right now."  What does she think will happen?  They pack up and move into Carrot Top's box of props?  Because it's quite obvious they can't stand being next to each other, will they fight their own Civil War between East and West?  If anything happens she'll just go to Mattel and have them use Barbie boobs to help her fill the gaps.  Who does she think she is?  If you search National Treasure Breasts on Google, you won't find Holly Madison.  You'll see Helen Mirren, Christina Hendricks, and Salma Hayek.  By the way, Holly just didn't slap women's rights movement in the face but she slapped it in the face, bent it over a barrel and went in without lube.
  
  Johnny Depp announced that he's going to be bringing the Lone Ranger to the big screen.  GREAT!  Another effort by Johnny Depp to destroy some of my favorite childhood memories.  Oh and Jerry Bruckheimer is producing.  I CAN'T WAIT!  Click here to see what I really think of this.
  
  Last week it was the Civil War era photo of a person who resembled Nicolas Cage and the guy who claimed Cage was a vampire.  This week it's a Civil War era photo of a guy who resembles John Travolta.  Wow, that is eerie.  They even share the same fake hairline.  So I wonder if he is an undead time-traveling vampire?
  
  Rumors are flying around that Jessica Simpson is pregnant.  Her and her rented man, Eric Johnson, were supposed to get married last summer but they pushed it to this November and once again she's changing the date.  People are saying one day she wants a wedding in Hawaii and the next day she wants a wedding in her backyard.  Just do the logical thing and have one somewhere in the middle.  If I was Eric, I'd fly her to Vegas and marry her at one of those little chapels before someone else swoops in and marries her pregnant ass.  Her friends are saying she's eating weird foods such as nacho cheese flavored chips covered with chocolate.  But doesn't she eat that on a regular day?  That's not evidence she's pregnant but just evidence she's Jessica Simpson.  Call me when she has a weird craving like rice cakes or low-fat ice cream.
  
  Ashlee Simpson is on vacation in Mexico with her family excluding Jessica.  Hmmm maybe she should change her name to Asspee.  You may have to enlarge that photo to see what I mean.  I also find it sort of odd that she's with her father, her father who made comments about how nice Jessica's breasts were.
  
  Remember DJ Qualls?  I bet you almost forgot him.  He tweeted last weekend that he was hospitalized in Vancouver because a police officer beat him for no reason.  Later on he said that he witnessed a fight and tried to tell the cop about the man who hit the woman but the cop told him to leave and if he didn't leave he'd be arrested so Qualls asked why and that's when he met the officer's handcuffs and night stick.  He said the cop taunted him for a half hour while they waited for the ambulance and then to add insult to his injuries, he was stuck with an $800 bill from the hospital.  What happened to the free health care?  The cop didn't care that he was an actor.  Qualls also tried to file a complaint but the department was closed that weekend.  In the cop's defense, Qualls looks nothing like an actor so how is he supposed to not know that he shouldn't beat his ass?  Maybe next time he's in Canada or talking with the police he'll have to preface all conversations with, "You might now me from such movies as..."  So can you name any of his movies or TV shows?
  
  Dita Von Teese turned 39 this week.  Oh horsefeathers!  What a dame!  I sure carry a torch for her.  What a tomato!  She sure is a keen Sheba.  I need to take her in my jalopy and visit a speak easy for some hooch and then we can dance the Charleston.  What a broad!
  
  Here's another leaked photo from the Batman movie.  Anne Hathaway is saying, "I am Catwoman, hear me meow."  I think Christopher Nolan is trying to give this Catwoman a Julie Newmar look but if you want a Catwoman to have a Julie Newmar look you should just get Julie Newmar to play Catwoman.  This movie is starting to look as cute as my cats playing with their litterbox cookies and that's not very cute.
  
  Andy Rooney is leaving 60 Minutes after 33 years.  I never thought that his gig was that challenging.  He was only on 60 Minutes for 2 of those minutes and all he did was bitch about random things like most 92 year old men.  Now he can spend the rest of his days going on Scared Straight and screaming at out of control children.  Better yet he can go to grocery stores and bitch.  "Do you remember when you could go to the apple section of the produce department and all the apples were red?  Nowadays they have green apples in there mixing with the red apples.  Why are they mixing the apples?  Aren't they worried about cross-species apple mutations?  Red apples used to be front and center because everyone wanted a shiny red apple.  The green apples were kept in their place at the back of the apple department and were only meant for the people who lived in the outskirts of society.  Those were the days.  Andy Rooney, for red apples everywhere, signing off."

  Anyone else find it odd that in a post where I normally celebrate T&A that I start and finish with bitter old men?  Maybe I am just realizing my true purpose in life.

  • 6:10 PM
  • 33 Comments