October 9, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 10/08/11

  Well I wasn't around much yesterday or today.  I left home on Friday morning to go to Chicago to pick-up one of my aunts at O'Hare.  God that was a rush.  I think my blood pressure rose 10 points.  I'm not used to driving in the third largest city in America especially not when my current town only has about 1300 people.  I was also shocked at prices.  Man I really am turning into a country boy.  I may not be able to drive in rush hour traffic but I know how to milk a cow and throw 100lb hay bales into a wagon so there.  Today a friend wanted me to go with him to look for some hunting supplies and other stuff.  I also checked out a machine that rolls cigarettes for you in the store.  God bless technology!  Now you got the long awaited Celebrity Round-Up.  I know three of you were chomping at the bit for it.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Zach Galifinackis turned 42 this week.  Oh Zach, you don't read this but I hope you had a happy birthday.  Thanks for answering me over on the other site.  I wonder if his birthday celebration was anything like the characters he portrays on film.  It probably was nothing like that.
  
  Well the crazy Tupac fans that think he's still alive now have more evidence.  A sextape is supposedly being released featuring Tupac Shakur.  People claim that it's as erotic as his sex scene in Poetic Justice.  Even though the action in the tape supposedly took place in 1991 there will be people that claim he's still alive because how else would someone have a sex tape if they weren't alive?  The tape is only five minutes long and Tupac enters the room with a cocktail in one hand and a joint in another.  Then a groupie services him while one of his songs plays in the background and he "sings" along to it.  Then a member of Digital Underground, Money B, enters the room and he and Tupac sing the song all while the woman keeps Tupac's California Love in her mouth.  That actually sounds more entertaining than most celebrity sextapes but then I've never seen one so what do I know.  I think by holding a cocktail, smoking a joint, and getting a BJ, Tupac would definitely win a "pat your head and rub your belly at the same time" championship.  I wonder if the woman will come forward and tell her children and probably by now grandchildren that is her on her knees.  Such a proud family moment. 
  
  Country music singer, Toby Keith, weighed in on the gay marriage controversy and what he had to say was sort of surprising.  Keith is pretty adamant in his support of the U.S. military and rightwing causes however when asked about "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Keith went on a rant: "That whole gay issue thing, that's never bothered me.  I've never seen what that affects and [why] anybody should care -- and they never do affect me.  First of all, we're going to stop somebody from getting a marriage license because they're gay? You won't stop them from living together, so what have you accomplished? ... Wasting a lot of money here and a lot of time that could be spent working on this deficit that we're under ... I never saw the reasoning behind getting in people's personal lives.  But the military is a tough thing. I don't worry as much about the heterosexual people fighting as I do ... about the gays. ... In the military or any class in life, you have people who have problems with it, and I'm wondering how that's going to be compatible on the battlefield. That's the only question I have, other than that I don't care.  It's just such a big issue that people make such a big stink about -- 'don't ask, don't tell.' ... And that sounds like our government: 'We'll fix it by saying, "Don't ask, don't tell." Everybody agree, raise your hands. All right, let's go get a snack.  You know, I don't know enough about what they proposed or what they've put in place here. ... Somebody's sexual preference is like, 'Who cares?'"  You know it's hard to give this guy credit because this is the guy who a few years ago wanted to see the Dixie Chicks beheaded because they had the audacity to question President Bush.  But now he's alienating the vast majority of his fan base because he doesn't see a problem with homosexuals having human rights.  Good for him.  There are bigger things that Americans need to be worrying about.  Things like gas prices and bears and the Brewers winning the World Series and the Packers winning the Superb Owl.
  
  And while we're talking about country music...ARE YOU READY TO GET FIRED?  Last Monday, country singer and alleged legend, Hank Williams Jr. went on the FOX News program FOX and Friends and compared John Boehner playing golf with President Obama to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu playing golf with Adolf Hitler.  Yes, apt comparison because President Obama has imprisoned millions of people and killed off 6 million people because of their ethnicity.  In wake of the controversy, ESPN pulled the intro song to Monday Night Football which Hank has sung for 20 years.  I think ESPN waited for Hank to issue an apology but he didn't, all he did was say they were dumb, so ESPN announced that they would no longer use his song for their programming.  After the firing, Hank took to his blog as so many other people did and said his First Amendment rights were violated.  FUCKING HELL!  Let me explain this to you slowly because your fucking brain obviously can't grasp a simple concept.  The First Amendment doesn't apply when the government isn't involved.  If you represent a private corporation and you go on TV and say something asinine to millions of people that company has the right to fire you BECAUSE YOU REPRESENT THEIR PRODUCT!  If Hank said that and then a person went out and killed President Obama because of Hank's words then his First Amendment rights would've been violated.  If you are so gungho about defending Constitutional rights, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING UNDERSTAND THEM FIRST, YOU FUCKING NUMBSKULL!
  
  OK, better music, better music, better music.  Thom Yorke turned 43 this week.  What a weirdo?  Why is he even here?  He doesn't belong here.  He's a creep.  Yes, I know...lame.
  
  Thomas Jane plays a guy on TV who sells himself for money.  Well they say art imitates life and it's true because Jane said that at one point in his life he sold his services on Santa Monica Boulevard.  The funny thing is, he admits he once tasted man but he said that if his character on the show ever did then the show was over.  And then the gay community was on his ass for his comments for free.  Well I guess he never really admitted anything: "I didn't have any money and I was living in my car. I was 18. I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean? You're a lot more open to experimentation as a young man. And for me, being a young artist and broke in Los Angeles, I was exploring my sexual identity. And probably because of my middle-class, white blue-collar upbringing, I would have never had the opportunity to confront some of my own fears and prejudices had I not been hungry enough to be forced to challenge myself in that way."  Then he was asked if it was a choice: "I don't know. I think up to a point it's a choice. But I'll tell you what — it's not a choice until you're open enough to experience both male and female sexuality. Until you've tasted the food, you don't know whether you'll like it or not, as my mom always said."  Basically he's saying it wasn't his choice to be straight but it was his choice to devour some man's tube steak sandwich.  Maybe he's just whoring himself with those comments to get an endorsement deal with Subway.
  
  A lot of people are speculating that this may indeed be the final season of The Simpsons.  FOX told the show that they wanted all the voice talent to take a 45% salary cut.  The actors said they were willing to go as low as a 30% cut.  Given how much revenue that show brings to FOX they should either keep the pay the same or agree to the 30% cut.  I do blame Xenu for all this trouble.  He's upset because Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson) didn't give enough of her paycheck to the Church of Scientology.  When will we learn?  We must appease Xenu.
  
  The show Free Agents was canceled after just three episodes by NBC.  I watched the premier episode and wasn't impressed.  The only thing they had going for them was the poster.  Maybe Hank Azaria should settle for that 45% pay cut from FOX since this show got canceled.  Maybe he wasn't cut out for being in front of the camera and should stick to voicing Moe, Apu, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Carl Carlson, Cletus Spuckler, Professor Frink, Dr. Nick, Lou, Snake, Kirk Van Houton, Sea Captain, Superintendent Chalmers, Disco Stu, and Duffman on The Simpsons.
  
  NBC also canceled the Playboy Club after just 3 episodes.  Man, they are really going through their new shows and giving them the axe and yet they keep Whitney.  I don't get that show.  Is it supposed to be funny?  Am I supposed to feel bad that she's a victim of bad plastic surgery?  Why do they shove reality shows down our throats?  Hasn't the Biggest Loser been done to death?  I mean don't people get offended by that title.  They are calling the fat people on the show losers.  I think part of the reason why Playboy Club didn't last a full season was because it was supposedly controversial.  Some NBC affiliates didn't even bother airing it.  Screw you, Utah.  It probably also didn't last because it didn't cater to the lowest common denominator like Two Broke Girls or the re-tooled Two and a Half Men.
  
  Just when you though I was going to bring you only depressing TV news, here's news that made me erect.  FOX pulled the plug way too early on Arrested Development and for the past 2 years there have been rumors as to whether or not there would be a movie to tie up all the loose ends.  Well the creator announced this week that the movie was going to happen and he gave everyone a bonus gift in saying that in 2013 there would be a new short season of possibly a dozen episodes.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOB MAKE IT HAPPEN!  If you want to watch the show you can catch it on IFC or Hulu.
  
  The biggest Cinemax slut married the biggest man whore in rock music last weekend.  Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed tied the knot after living together for 28 years.  He promised to love her until another hot chick walks by.  If you want to read about the details of the wedding go here.  I hope those crazy kids make it and their marriage lasts for eternity or until their reality show needs a ratings boost so they go through a fake divorce.
  
  Ron Jeremy introduced a new line of work.  He makes his own signature rum and is calling it Ron de Jeremy.  He even has cocktails you can make with his rum.  One is called a Ron and Coke.  It's four ounces of rum and one splash of Coca Cola and 0 bits of dignity.  Seriously, would you put your lips near anything that is associated with him?
  
  Rihanna kicked off the European portion of her tour this week in London and she forgot she was performing in front of 20,000 people when she started thinking about me or at least that's what I'll tell the judge when I'm brought to trial for doing the exact same thing.
  
  Have you ever read "Where the Wild Things Are"?  It was written by Maurice Sendak and this week he basically sent CBS a resume for the position that Andy Rooney left open.  This week he was interviewed by The Guardian and had many things to get off his chest.  Here's what he thinks of e-books: "I hate them. It's like making believe there's another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of sex. There isn't another kind of book! A book is a book is a book." Hell yeah says the man who wants an e-reader but lives on Ramen.  Here's what he said about Rupert Murdoch: "His name should be what everything is called now. (Reporter: But doesn't he publish your books?) Yes! Harpers. He owns Harpers and I guess the rest of the world, too. He represents how bad things have become. But I don't know a better house. They're all in trouble. They're all terrible."  American politics: "These Republican schnooks would be comical if they weren't not funny."  Salman Rushdie: "That flaccid fuckhead. He was detestable. I called up the Ayatollah, nobody knows that."  Roald Dahl: "The cruelty in his books is off-putting. Scary guy. I know he's very popular but what's nice about this guy? He's dead, that's what's nice about him."  Stephen King: "Bullshit."  I think those quotes should be put into a new edition of "Where the Wild Things Are" and they should be read to children every single night.  Maurice truly is a wild thing.
  
  This is the NSFW and NSFL portion of the Celebrity Round-Up.  Madonna had a photoshoot earlier this week and a few photos of Madonna changing outfits for the shoot leaked.  Well that sure is a see-thru bra.  I won't say anything disparaging otherwise @justjace will physically harm me.
  
  Lindsay Lohan had nothing better to do this week than posing for photographs in Paris.  It's not like she has 400+ hours of community service remaining.  Have you ever got the idea that Lindsay's mom is forcing her to live this way and giving her the drugs?  I have this weird idea that Lindsay's going to die when she's 27 and her mom is going to make so much money on Lindsay merchandise by claiming that she was a legend.  I know I think weird but come on, Herbie Fully Loaded may just be the greatest film of my generation.
  
  Kim Kardashian bought a $325,000 Ferarri this week with her blood money...ok so maybe she's no longer living off the money her dad made for defending O.J. Simpson but she's still probably living on her sextape money.  That's a lot of money to spend on something she can't and probably won't drive.  I guess Kim is just trying to think outside of the box and try something new.  Well it's hard for her to think outside of the box since she will always be tied to that sextape.
  
  This is Kendall Jenner.  She is Kim Kardashian's 15 year old half-sister.  Kendall is now making money as a bikini model.  Her mom, Kris Jenner, should be proud.  I guess Kendall is just following in the footsteps of the typical Kardashian whore plan.
  
  YES!  Cher tells it like it is!  I smell a Twitter war brewing.
  
  An early photo was released of Julia Roberts as the wicked queen in the live-action Snow White movie.  I think this will be a bad movie.  That laugh of hers puts people in comas and she's just plain creepy.  Even dogs are afraid of her.
  
  Singer JoJo has joined the ranks of attention whores and posted photos of herself in a bra on Twitter.  I don't know any better way to come out as an attention whore.  I don't think these were good shots.  Her hair makes it look like she still is wearing a shirt.  Next time when she decides to post photos of herself in a bra she better get a smaller bra or better yet no bra at all. 
  
  Have you seen the new previews for The Rum Diaries?  The new Johnny Depp movie is about Hunter S. Thompson's adventures.  I really want to see the movie however something is making me apprehensive and that is the previews.  They are using songs by Pit Bull...wtf?  Anyway, Johnny Depp reminded us this week why he doesn't do many interviews.  He had this to say about photoshoots: "Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow.  Raped … It feels like a kind of weird — just weird, man."  I don't understand how celebrities find it appropriate to complain about their plight of being famous by comparing it to sexual assault.  Well if Johnny wants to use sexual assault in a comparison then he should apologize for molesting me out of money and time to see The Tourist.  God that movie was awful.  And in other news, Depp had a dumptruck drive to his house and dump a pile of money on his doorstep to do a live-action movie about Dr. Seuss.  I wonder if Tim Burton will direct and they will make Dr. Seuss seem like a bizarre and fucked up man.
  
  Jenna Fischer (she plays Pam on The Office) gave birth to a baby boy and named him Weston Lee.  This was her first child.  If you watch The Office you'll know that Pam is pregnant.  In fact she was pregnant when they filmed episodes for this season.  I wonder if Weston will make his screen debut next season as Jim and Pam's baby.
  
  Hulk Hogan is complaining about the economy.  He is trying to sell his 17,000 sq. ft. house.  He originally had it listed at $25million but because no one was buy he's had to drop the price and now he has it listed at $8million.  This house has 5 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms, a waterfall, boathouse, and a 4 car garage.  Boo-hoo!  Who hasn't suffered in this economy.  Top Ramen is now 30cents instead of the regular 25 cents and because of that I've had to quit eating breakfast.  Thank god that I find half eaten and expired food in the dumpster at the local convenience store.
  
  17 year old Courtney Stodden seems like she's a devout wife.  You can't see her husband but he's there.  Yeah the photos that were taken had to be staged because no one wears high heels to the beach.  And since you've stared at this hot mess, listen to this hot mess sing.  I bet in a few years that will be our new national anthem.  Courtney has been complaining that people think their relationship is fake.  Well when I think of fake and Courtney Stodden I just think of her implants.  Not even Roman Polanski believes she's 17.  And if you want to follow her and see how fake and crazy she is, take a look at her Twitter.
  
  Coco posted these photos to Twitter and her nipples made a guest appearance.  HOT DAMN!
  
  Amanda Seyfried posed for a magazine or something but sweet Lord look at those legs.  Those legs...damn.  Do they have leg implants because those can't be natural but damn them legs...wow.
  
  Al Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders, passed away at the age of 82.  He was a maverick in the NFL.  Not only was he the owner of the Raiders but at one point he served as head coach and general manager.  He was the first person to draft a black quarterback.  He was the first person to hire a Latino head coach.  He was the first person to hire a black head coach.  He challenged the NFL when others remained silent.  He transformed misfits into winning football teams.  He made the NFL what it is today.  Davis will be greatly missed.  Just win, baby.

  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

  • 1:05 AM
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