October 15, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 10/15/11

  I think I'm feeling better but it's a slow recovery.  I spent most of today under a blanket and watching Maury.  I did venture out and got a haircut.  The haircut made it feel like I've lost a significant amount of weight.  Anyway my life is boring at the moment so round up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Tina Fey was spotted out about town this week.  She posed like this so it's quite obvious that she is trying to become as famous as the Kardashians and has resorted to Kardashian-like measures to attain that fame.
  
  This week at a golf tournament, a crazy fan ran out onto the golf green and threw a hotdog at Tiger Woods.  Usually Tiger is tossing his wiener at whores so I guess that is the closest thing we have to a Tiger Woods sex tape.  Here's how Tiger described the occurrence: "Some guy just came running on the green, and he had a hot dog. I don't know how he tried to throw it, but I was kind of focusing on my putt when he started yelling. Next thing I know, he laid on the ground, and looked like he wanted to be arrested."  Wow, that sounds like most of my dates.  You know that's a waste of energy and a hotdog.  It would've been more symbolic if the guy had a roast beef taco and snuck up behind Tiger and tripped him so that Tiger would've fallen face first into the taco.  Then ESPN could have a field day with the headlines: "Tiger Woods throws himself face-first into a beef taco"
  
  Sean Lennon(right) turned 36 this week.  His father, John Lennon, would've turned 71 this week.  Such a loss.
  
  In other Beatles news, Paul McCartney got married again.  He married his girlfriend Nancy Shevell yesterday because all his problems seemed so far away and decided that the best way to cure that was to get a wife.  Yeah, I'm jealous that I'm sitting alone on a Friday night and don't have a wife in bed with me who I can make suffer with a dutch oven.  The good thing about Nancy is that she has a leg up on Paul's last wife in that the place where they got married was the same place where he married his first wife Linda and in another freaky fact they got married on the anniversary of John Lennon's birth.  So Paul's first wife died of cancer, his second wife was hit by a car and lost a leg, and I'm expecting this wife to have a piano fall on her head.  He's living some sort of Final Destination life or maybe the McCartney double is since we all know that Paul is dead.
  
  Paris Hilton was spotted getting out of a car.  I noticed two things about this photo.  First, she has huge feet.  I think Paris and I could swap shoes.  Those have to be nearly the same size as mine, 17 4E.  Secondly and most importantly, Paris actually got out of a car and didn't flash her vagina.  I swear the world must be coming to an end.  If the sky turns red and glows with the force of 1000 suns, don't say I didn't warn you.  Maybe this is was on the Mayan calendar.  Also, Paris was a guest in Poland for an event at a mall.  The mall has a walk of fame and they debuted a star for Paris Hilton.  They even spelled her name correctly.  Watch out moon, Paris is shooting for the stars.
  
  The accountants at the church of Scientology are breathing a sigh of relief this week.  Last week I mentioned that FOX was asking the cast of The Simpsons to take a salary reduction by 45% and the cast would only agree to a 30% reduction.  Well FOX said that the ratings were falling and they weren't able to pay for production without the ratings.  The cast members agreed to the 45% pay cut but will receive a portion of profits.  This season they were making $8million each but with the pay cut and profit sharing expect more Simpsons merchandise to be released and another movie.  FOX said that they are signed for two more seasons and will run until at least 2014 so The Simpsons can celebrate 25 seasons on TV.  They'll never stop The Simpsons.  So Nancy Cartwright, voice of Bart Simpson, will get paid and will be able to give all her money to the Church of Scientology and Xenu will be appeased.
  
  Poor Minka Kelly!  ABC canceled Charlie's Angels this week.  I didn't really watch the show.  OK I watched it but I had it on mute while I had Marvin Gaye playing on my stereo and I decided which hand lotion to use.  Such a loss for TV lovers.  Now what will I fap to?
  
  Former Weezer bass player, Mikey Welsh, died this week at the age of 40.  He played in Weezer from 1998 to 2001 when he left the band because of a nervous breakdown and drug addiction.  Police found Welsh unresponsive on the floor of his hotel room.  There was no official cause of death but they suspect it was drug related.  He was in Chicago to attend a Weezer performance.  The weird thing about this was that a few days prior he wrote on Twitter that he dreamt he had a heart attack in his sleep while he was in Chicago and said he needed to write his will.  Weezer issued this statement.  Mikey will be greatly missed.
  
  The prosecution in the case of Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, keeps releasing death photos of Michael Jackson.  I'm staring at the man on the gurney...yikes.  How could an anesthetized zombie drug addict who had missing parts on his face be taken from us so suddenly?  Of course he had to have been killed.  I'm thankful they censored out the photo otherwise they'd probably have a string of people lining up saying they recognized those genitals.
  
  Awww Matthew Broderick and his wife Sarah Jessica Parker were caught sharing a tender moment.
  
  So Lindsay Lohan is sober now?   Lindsay is in trouble again for not showing up to the women's shelter where she was assigned community service.  She only showed up 9 times and worked 1 hour instead of her court mandated 4 hours per visit so they kicked her out of the program.  I doubt they'll send her to jail for not completing her community service.  California has more important things to worry about like falling off the continent into the ocean.  Lindsay of course said that she was treated unfairly and that the staff at the women's shelter was really mean to her and that the paparazzi hounded her while she tried to help.  Her next progress report is next week so it will be interesting to hear what the judge decides.  Nothing they have done so far has worked. Not the warnings. Not the fifth and sixth chances. Not the threat of jail time. Not the public beheading. Wait, they haven't mentioned a public beheading yet? That should look into that. Because I'm pretty sure cutting off her head will free up a lot of the court's calendar.  TMZ also reported that Lindsay hasn't been seeing a psychiatrist at least once a week which is part of her probation.  Lindsay has said she wasn't able to visit a shrink because she's been working out of the country but a judge said that was not a reasonable excuse because work is no excuse for failure to comply with terms of probation.  You know they have only focused on the negatives.  They leave out all the good.  For instance she hasn't overdosed once during her probation.  Not once, not on coke and not on meth...NOT ONCE!  They're probably just jealous of how pretty she is. Oh and instead of complying with the terms of her probation when she returned to the U.S. from her European work-cation, Lindsay bought a $100,000 car, a Porche Panamera.  How can she afford that car if she doesn't work, complains about having no money, and yet spends money frivolously?  Forget Hollywood, Lindsay belongs in Washington D.C. 
  
  People magazine asked Lindsay Lohan's representatives to comment on her deteriorating teeth.  The publicist refused to comment.  God, she looks like she ate her way out of a pile of horse manure.  I think that she has something dentists call Methavitis because I hear that one of the first things that goes on meth addicts is their teeth...well that or their sanity.  She should get some white paint on those things.  Who knows maybe the paint will be taste better than what she normally ingests.  Maybe Lindsay is just a fashion trend setter and is trying to match her teeth color with her hair color.  I think it's horrible that at the age of 25 it looks like her teeth are going to fall out.  I've had homeless women who've propositioned me for blowjobs in dark alleys that look better than Lindsay.
  
  Is it me or does Larry King look like he's really constipated?  Or maybe he's just really horny.  Either way, look out, ladies.
  
  Kristen Stewart recently said that because of her acting career she had to quit school after 7th grade.  I guess it shows.  I mean she acts like a middle school drop-out in all her movies.  Kristen doesn't blame her parents for having to leave school, no, she does the only logical thing to do these days when a child struggles...BLAME THE TEACHERS!  Here's what she said: “School became genuinely uncomfortable. I was feeling a little self-conscious about the acting thing with my peers, but also my teachers became a problem. They didn’t want to do the extra work or put packages together so I could keep up while away.  They failed me. My teachers failed me. Not one, but all of them. I’m always slightly ashamed in a way, about what I do. I’m slightly embarrassed as I had such serious ambitions when I was younger, I just never imagined that I would ever have a reason not go to school. But then this happened.”  No, they didn't fail you.  If you don't go to school regularly then you fail yourself.  I could tell you so many stories.  "Could you give me assignments because my family is going to Mexico for a month."  I'd love to go to Mexico for a month in winter but I HAVE A FUCKING JOB!  "Could I have my assignments because my dad and I are going hunting for two weeks."  I'd like to go hunting for two weeks but I HAVE A FUCKING JOB!  "I need my assignments for the next three weeks because I'm going fishing and I'm one of the youngest professional fisherman on the bass fishing circuit."  FUCK THAT!  Shame on those teachers who worked a full day, graded papers during dinner, put together packages for sick students afterward and completely ignored the needs of Kristen who couldn't go to class because she had to report to a day job that paid her twenty times more than her teachers make. DECERTIFY THEM ALL!  You know she does have enough money thanks to those god-awful Twilight movies to quit acting for a couple of years so she could go to school but then she's a middle school drop-out and can't figure that out for herself.
  
  Kirk Cameron turned 41 this week and this was a shot of his birthday celebration in his office.  You'd think the power of Christ would compel his workers to do something more elaborate.  Come on, this guy proved that evolution is phony just through showing us a banana.  I'd think they could get more than a few salad dressing packets, 3 $5 Subway footlongs, a KFC cake, and a half bottle of orange juice.
  
  Kim Kardashian's mother, Kris Jenner, said this week in an interview that the reason Kim had such a big wedding was because she didn't want to disappoint her fans.  Please.  Kim can't tie her shoes unless she has a 5 person camera crew present to capture it on tape.  Kim added this: "That was a really big discussion, we took weeks to decide if we were going to film it or not, but I felt like my fans - everyone that has gone on this journey with me, seeing different relationships that I've been in - would feel cheated if I didn't film it. It was something that Kris and I were okay with, and the beauty of it is we get to edit it. It [will be] great to look back at that and see this time in our lives."  I'm pretty sure the wedding planning went something like this.  The E! executive said, "We'll pay you $13million to televise your wedding and will make it a 5 hour long event."  The editor of People magazine said, "We'll pay you $3million to photograph your wedding."  Kim Kardashian orgasms.  Kim really needs to quit acting like she has morals because we all know they were surgically removed when she had butt implants.  Also how can a person with morals live on the blood money that freed O.J. Simpson?  Kris Humphries is already urging Kim to have babies and move to Minnesota and live in a house on a lake.  BAH!  There are 10,000 lakes in Minnesota so that wouldn't be exclusive enough for Kim.  On a recent trip through security at the Minneapolis airport Kris Humphries lost his wedding ring.  He was spotted crawling around the floor searching for it and was in a panic.  No one bothered helping Kris as he crawled around so eventually a guy recognized who he was and helped out.  They found the ring.  Afterward the good Samaritan was shocked that he was the only one who knew who Kris Humphries was.  So that means that either Kris is insignificant in the NBA or no one cares about the Kardashians.  But then he was a "star" for the University of Minnesota basketball team.  I don't know why he was in a panic.  The Kardashians have plenty of blood money to buy him another ring.  Also there weren't any cameras around so why bother.  The Kardashians won't even die unless there are enough cameras present and they have proper lighting.
  
  How do you say "attention whore" in Arabic?  Yeah, that's Kim Kardashian.  She and her mother Kris Jenner are in Dubai this weekend and I can only presume they are there to sell off the youngest members of the Kardashian Klan to some billionaire sheiks or discuss what to do with the rest of their blood money.
  
  Kate Gosslein was pulled over for speeding this week and received a ticket because she was doing 88mph in a 55mph zone.  She also had some of her children in the car at the time.  Her ex-husband Jon is worried that her driving will hurt the kids.  This isn't the first time Kate's been pulled over for speeding.  It's just that this is her first ticket because usually she is able to talk her way out of the ticket but since she doesn't have a TV show anymore the police consider her one of us now.  Jon shouldn't be worried that she's exposing their children to that excessive speeding.  There are far worse things they are exposed to like her voice.  Seriously, she could talk the paint off a wall.
  
  Who didn't see this one coming?  Jonah Hill broke up with his girlfriend after he dropped 40lbs.  He got back down to dating weight so he had to test the waters.  Of course he dumped her.  Why would a skinny guy date a girl that likes fat guys?  He couldn't possibly please her like a fat guy could.  Oh and if there are any girls out there that are currently single and want to date fat guys, drop me an email and some nude pics.
  
  A couple celebrities popped out babies this week.  First, Johnny Knoxville and his wife Naomi Nelson welcomed a baby girl into the world.  They named her Arlo Clapp.  This is their second child.  They have a two year old son named Rocko Akira Clapp.  Rocko Akiro Clapp sounds like a type of STD you'd catch from an anime character.  I like the name Arlo but not for a girl.  I wonder what they'll do for a stunt at the Jackass baptism.  My guess is they'll have goldfish in the baptismal font and baby Arlo will swallow them live.  Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott welcomed a baby girl into the world and they named her Hattie Margaret McDermott.  I feel sorry for Hattie.  Call up your inner grade school playground bully and think of all the names that will rhyme with Hattie.  I know one and it's probably the same one that rhymes with my name.
  
  Normally when you see a photo from an Austin Powers movie around this site, the story I'd write would be about Mike Meyers.  Not this time.  This is about Joe Son (left) who played Dr. Evil's assassin, Random Task, in the Austin Powers movies.  Son started serving a life term after being convicted of torture and conspiracy to commit murder for raping a woman in 1990 on September 16th of this year.  No one ever said that justice was fast.  Well this week Son found himself in more trouble when prison guards found Son in his cell with his cellmate who was dead because he had been stabbed numerous times.  So Son was found in his cell with his dead cellmate's body on the floor.  Let's not jump to conclusions because there are literally a million things that could explain what happened.  Maybe Son and his cellmate were having a pillow fight and because Son was recently trying to break into MMA he got carried away and started fighting back.  OK that's one.  You think of the other 999,999 things that could've happened.
  
  Sometimes I find it hard being a celebrity gossip blogger.  It's not all fun and games.  I sometimes find myself taking off my shirt and walking into the ocean and staring at the water while I contemplate why God made me so handsome and others so ugly.  Actually that's not me.  It's Joe Manganiello from True Blood.  He was spotted staring at the water contemplating why God made him so handsome and me so fat and ugly.
  
  It looks like @AmericanAlien won't be returning to Xanga any time soon.  Fred Durst has signed a deal with CBS to develop and star in a comedy series about a rock legend who is trying to juggle his career and family.  When I first heard this news I screamed, "Give me something to break!"  I think the show is tentatively titled Douchebags.  It also looks like the C in CBS stands for Crappy.
  
  Courtney Stodden's mother recently was interviewed and discussed why there is such negativity toward her 17 year old daughter and why her Facebook page was shutdown 10 times for being inappropriate.  It's simple...y'all women are jealous.  Here's what Courtney's mother, Krista Keller, said: "It's the jealousy from the women towards her. The men love her, the women hate her. The women report the photo because it's so easy to do. You just click a button. They think she's too sexy, they all report her together, and it's done.  On any Facebook page, people can report it for inappropriate content. There is nothing on her page you wouldn't find anywhere on Facebook! She has never done any nudity. Not a breast, not even a butt cheek. It's just her in a bathing suit!  A lot of men and young girls love her page, but when the wives see their husbands on her page, they team up to get Courtney kicked off! When Facebook gets enough reports on one page, it locks her out."  I'm sure all you mothers will one day love to say the words, "A lot of grown married men LOVE my teenage daughter's Facebook page."  It makes sense to me because I see stuff like that on Xanga where people go reporting sites for being inappropriate and then they rate the sites EX and every time it's perpetrated by women.  I got my site rated low by a woman because she didn't like my content.  That being said, Krista is nothing but a child pageant stage mom who is living vicariously through her daughter.  Also, I think the marriage to the old guy is a PR stunt concocted by the desperate mom. A brilliant move because what other tactic could have garnered her under age daughter this much attention? I don't get these attention hungry moms who are so desperate for any shot at the lime light that they don't think anything of whoring their own daughters out. If the mom had a life of her own (and friends!) Courtney would probably be doing normal teenage stuff like having sleep overs and going shopping at the mall with her girlfriends. As it is, the mom is really nothing more than a pimp or even worse, a Kardashian.
  
  I have no clue what Courtney Love is wearing here but I had to share.  It looks like she's living in the sewers and killed dozens of sewer rats and used their hides to make an outfit.  In an upcoming book titled "I Want My MTV: The Uncensored Story of the Music Video Revolution" which is supposedly going to explore the classic days of MTV when they actually played music videos.  Courtney was interviewed for the book and she talked about the first time she saw the Nirvana video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit".  Courtney and Kurt had just finished having sex at a Days Inn in Chicago and they turned on MTV and the video came on.  She said she had to pull away from his embrace because she said it was his moment.  He just had sex, it was his video, his music, and he looked like he was the king of the world.  She said the next time she saw the video was after she had sex with Kurt in Minneapolis at the Omni Northstar Hotel.  She actually went to that show to have sex with Billy Corgan but wound up in bed with Kurt.  She thinks that was the night they conceived Frances Bean Cobain.  In another interview Courtney said that if Kurt came back today she'd kill him because she had to play paramedic because he OD'ed so many times and killed himself.  You know, I'm starting to get an idea about why Kurt did kill himself.  Living with Courtney must've been brutal.
  
  Coco's contribution to society is that she posts these photos on Twitter every Thursday which she calls Thong Thursday.  Her contributions have benefited significantly.  I think she should win a Nobel Prize.
  
  Coco also posted this.  I may have to go out and buy an XBox 360 now.  I wonder if she is a paid spokesperson because she sold me on how great XBox 360's are.
  
  This is Christopher Chaney.  He is the computer hacker that the FBI busted for stealing personal information and photos from Scarlett Johannson, Blake Lively, Vanessa Hudgens, Renee Olstead, and Jessica Alba.  So how did he do it?  I was thinking he had to have a crew of Chinese computer hackers working day and night to try to infiltrate these celebrities' personal accounts to steal information.  It has to be that way, right?  Actually it's not.  Chaney monitored social networking sites that the celebrities used and looked for things they talked about like names of pets.  Then he went through public files to find email accounts and tried words he saw in social networks as passwords.  That's right...he guessed passwords.  He hacked into accounts by guessing their fucking passwords.  I just can't believe it.  Celebrities seem so stupid.  How are they able to breathe or shower without drowning?
  
  Christina Aguilera performed at a tribute for Michael Jackson in the UK this week.  You know, there's something different about her.  I think she's trying to look like Snooki.  Christina's only demand for performance was that she get paid in pizza.  Oh, yeah, that explains it.
  
  Chris Brown was going to perform at that tribute show for Michael Jackson but he has been banned for the UK because of his criminal record.  Why did we revolt from Britain?  They seem to have their priorities in place.  They ban wife-beaters instead of making excuses for them.  Guys who hit women should be forced out of this country and forced to live elsewhere.  It worked for Britain.  Yay Australia!
  
  Chris Tucker is losing his $6million mansion to foreclosure.  He supposedly owes $4million on the house.  He also owes the IRS $11.5million in taxes because he didn't bother paying them from 2001 to 2006.  The mansion had 5 bedrooms, three fireplaces, a spa, an outdoor kitchen that overlooked a pool, and a basement that was made to look like a pirate ship.  His monthly mortgage payment was $26,000.  You know he probably wouldn't be in this mess if he didn't ask for ridiculous amounts of money to be in movies.  Remember when he was one of the biggest up and coming stars in Hollywood?  Yeah, his exorbitant money demands sort of killed his career.  Chris Tucker is the 99%.
  
  I don't know, Adrianne Curry, I think Coco did it better.
  
  Brett Favre turned 42 this week.  He is the greatest quarterback in NFL history...deal with it.

  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  I was going to write 2 posts on Friday but I was sick.  I will have a special post tomorrow so stay tuned.

  • 4:59 PM
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