October 25, 2011
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I'm Stylish
@adventofreason posted this fact post thingie about something called the Stylish Awards and I was deemed worthy to be a recipient of her award thingie and now I get to share 7 facts about myself. I don't think I'm that interesting but I will try to find 7 things about myself that you may enjoy.
1. While I was studying to enter the ministry/teaching world, I spent time working as a bouncer at a strip club. It was quite an interesting job. I had to protect dancers from customers, dancers from dancers, and dancers from themselves. There was never a dull moment. I saw a lot of nudity but to be honest I didn't really notice it because I was too busy making sure everyone was behaving. There was one time when a male customer lost his mind and his pants and tried to get on stage but I grabbed him by the neck and somewhere else to toss him from the club. People asked if I felt guilty about working at a place like that and working on a ministerial education and I'd say no because I'm using the gifts that God gave me.
2. I wear size 17(the American sizing chart) for my shoes. It is damn near impossible to buy shoes. Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13. I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers. I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus. Yes, I rode the bus in high school. I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn't let me have a car because they couldn't keep tabs on the car if I was away. Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size. I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, "I really want to see it." I always tried to figure out their devil's math but they refused to tell me. I also hear that hand size determines penis size. They say that if your ring finger is longer than your pointing finger then you have a big penis. My ring finger is only sometimes longer than my pointing finger. It depends on how arthritic I feel.
3. I once got drunk at a party. A friend and I coerced our designated driver to take us to a 24 hour grocery store. Once inside I was stumbling around. The dd tried to get me to sit down but I screamed, "I WANT CHEESE BECAUSE I'M FROM WISCONSIN!" The check out guy gave me one of the motorized carts and all hell broke loose. Driving up and down the aisles screaming, "Look at me!" My friend crashed his cart into a bread display and I started laughing so hard I cried. It was a fun time and I think our dd broke up with her boyfriend because she realized we were the type of people he hung out with.
4. I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career. 4 of those accidents involved deer. I think it was some karmic thing because I hunt. When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me. My first accident was when I was 18 and had a 90 Pontiac Bonneville. I was going about 45 down a hill with a curve and right as I came out of the curve there was the deer. I hit it so hard. One leg was on the roof and a bunch of entrails were stuck in the bumper. I drove into town because I didn't have a cellphone. I told the cop I hit a deer and he came out and said, "Holy fucking shit, I'd say you hit a deer." He asked if I thought the deer was alive. I told him that I couldn't see it because it ran off. He filled out some papers and then I was on my way. I had to get a new front panel, light, and grill. The second deer was hit less than a year later. I had just bought a new car, a 93 Chrysler Concorde. I hadn't even made the first payment. I was driving home from work and was going through a small town. A deer ran out from a high school parking lot and I slammed on my brakes and swerved but I swerved into another deer that came out of the ditch on my side of the road. At first I didn't think I did much damage but I broke the grill and that turned out to cost $1000 to fix. The next deer was with the Concorde. I was student teaching and I lived in a tiny town in Minnesota, less than a mile from the Mississippi River. I was finishing up grading at lesson plans when the principal came into the room and said that we weren't having school the next day because there was a storm coming and it was set to dump a lot of snow and ice on us. I was happy so I took off and as I was driving I noticed that it was sleeting. The road was awful slick but not that bad. I was about 3 quarters of a mile from the place where I was living when a deer jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes. I know that was a wrong move now but at the time I thought it was wise. Well it wasn't because the road was covered with ice. My car started spinning and the back end started turning clockwise so I was soon facing the direction I was driving from. I ran out of road to spin and my car flipped off the road and down a 30ft. cliff. I don't know how many times my car rolled because the first time I went upside down my roof was crushed and it hit my head and knocked me out. I woke up a half hour later when my Bible hit my head and I realized I was hanging upside down without my glasses. I walked the rest of the way home with my hands above my head because my wrists were cut up and gushing blood. I walked into the house and the pastor who I was living with asked what happened. I told him and he went up to investigate. He found my glasses and made sure my car was shut off. I called the sheriff's department and they sent out police to the scene and paramedics to the house. I refused to be taken to the hospital but about 15 minutes after they left I had a blinding headache. The pastor's wife drove me to the hospital. I had a really bad concussion. Oh and another side effect from that accident was/is that I am now two inches shorter. My other accident with a deer was with my 99 Chevy Blazer. I was coming home for the weekend to visit my parents. It was my mom's birthday that weekend and I had a three day weekend from the school where I taught/ministered. I was about 10 miles from home when a deer jumped out. I didn't slam on the brakes because it was going slow but then it stopped and came back at me. I swerved, hit the deer in the ass with my driver's side mirror which made it bounce into the front side panel, and then I ended up in a ditch. The snow was up to my windshield so I had to get towed out. All the damage was a busted bug guard and driver's side mirror and a dent in the front side panel.
5. I have a fear of birds. I think it began when my parents went on vacation to Sault St. Marie and we were eating these giant pretzels and all these damn seagulls started divebombing me to get my pretzel. I wouldn't give it up without a fight and this caused the seagulls to fight dirty. One dove right at me and it dropped a shit bomb on me. I freaked out and then a couple other seagulls flew down and took my pretzel. Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots. Every single time I went to their house, those flying rats would fly right at me. I thought they were going to attack me so I'd be ducking and dodging these things and wind up curled in a ball in the corner. Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.
6. Brett Favre once bought me coffee and donuts. Favre owns hunting land near my hometown. I was heading to work one morning during the summer and I stopped off at a gas station so I could get some caffeine to stay alert so I could pay attention if I met up with any Amish buggies and also to wake myself up because it was about 6:30AM and I didn't get home until 1:30AM the night before because of work. I walked in and there was Favre sitting around the coffee island chatting up everyone in the place. I casually walked up to him and asked how this season was going to be. He laughed and said something akin to winning the Super Bowl. That made me smile and say, "Glad to hear." He said something about wishing I was one of his blockers. I grab myself a large coffee and a box of donuts and he said it's on him. He was buying stuff for everyone that morning so I guess I shouldn't feel that special.
7. I coached high school football. It was great. I loved working with the kids to improve their game. The team I coached when 9-1. The only loss was the game that would've put them in the state semi-finals at the Metrodump. I think my favorite memory from that season was the first game of the season when we went to this dump of a town with a shitty field. During the second quarter, half the lights on the field went out so the refs and coaches came up with the bright idea to play only on the lighted side. Once a team made it past the fifty yardline, the teams turned around. It was such a long game. My second favorite memory of that season didn't involve football. Well technically it did. One Saturday morning we had a scrimmage early in the morning. We didn't have enough room on the bus so one other coach and I loaded up some gear in my Blazer and we followed the bus to the middle of nowhere Minnesota. Actually it was pretty close to where Little House on the Prairie took place. We had the scrimmage where there were no real winners or losers. After we got everything packed up on the bus I took off for Milwaukee, WI. It was about a 6 hour drive. I went to Milwaukee to see Radiohead at an outdoor concert. That was such a good show. After the concert, I drove back to my apartment in Minnesota, another 6 hour drive. I took about an hour nap and then went out to my school where I was ordained as a minister.
Now my 7 recipients:
@TheSecretLifeofPandas
@dirtbubble
@raiderjester
@justjace
@peridot21
@cestovatelka
@thegiantslayer
@your_paper_heart
@theladyofabundance
@MelFamy
@nattataDid I mention that I can't count?
Comments (43)
you know what they say about men with big feet.
i love the Brett Favre story. awesome. did the packers win that year? i did a stint as a waiter at the United Nations Plaza Hotel's Ambassador Grill. my most memorable experience was waiting on Mohammed Ali. his body guard was with him, Mr. T. Peggy Flemming was another. She was truly delightful.
you lived in the proximity of Little House on the Prairie. i lived in the proximity of the Amityville Horror house. wanna trade?
good luck in the contest. i think you've got it won hands down
I have no interesting facts. Thank goodness you didn't pick me. Well, I have one horrendous car wreck story and one stalker... but that's about as interesting as I get. LOL
Man, deer hate you. Buy some salt licks, or food to put out for them in the dead of winter, or something. And not to lure them in to shoot! Geeze!
Thanks man... you made me notice something that I now cannot unsee. On my right hand, my ring finger is longer than the pointer, on my left hand its the same size... That's really weird to me.
ahhh... you got melfamy.... he was gonna be on my hit list.
definitely enjoyed - you are a wonderful story teller/narrator/conveyor of information - a pleasure as always to read...
for wisconsin...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZmimJGmrUQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_3ECxWjPyc
I love the story about the grocery store.
great stories. have you ever seen Legends of the Fall? (the deer heart thing reminded me)
Have you tried those deer whistles that you stick on your car? My mom has hit a handful of deer and slapped a dozen of those suckers all around her car and she's been deer free since 2009.
Number 5. I'm right there with you. Birds are no bueno.
How did you become 2 inches shorter?
My husband hates birds too. He does the bird dance whenever they fly near his head.
I probably shouldn't laugh but I do.
You have a very entertaining way of writing. I enjoy reading your blogs.
I have to hunt to find size 14 shoes. Dick's Sporting Goods usually has a couple of selections (New Balance and Nike), and I found black leather shoes at a Rockport place. Size 17 would be even tougher.
I''m wondering, on that math you were talking about: what is the significance of flat feet, for instance, or plantar fasciitis?
My husband wears 16-17 depending on the brand, if you know your size in a certain brand hit up Ebay. I enjoyed this post!
So what do I do?
I have no more interesting facts about myself. I've given them all up.
ha.
If you were a bouncer at a club where I was getting belligerent, would you throw me out???? ;p
I don't trust birds either!
This was cool (except, I'm sorry, I only skimmed the deer accident part). My husband's gonna be pea green with envy when I tell him about Favre!
A woman that I used to work of was REALLY afraid of birds... and it was like they KNEW it, because I had never in my life seen a bird attack a person. I mean, just any kind of bird! One time a crow flew into the shop where we worked and went straight for her FACE. It was freaking scary!
My brother (my younger brother) wears a size 18 shoe. I think he orders his shoes from someplace in NJ. Not sure. It was mentioned in front of a couple of my girlfriends back in high school and they were all giggling. I asked what was so funny, they told me and I was really, really grossed out. He's my brother! EW!
You're priceless, indeed.
In what universe would someone not find every bit of this interesting? Each thing was great. Thank you for playing along. Loved it all.
yayyy, i made the list!
... and, ya know, i already knew a lot of this stuff about you... (see that, i was paying attention!) 
wow. those deer really seem to have an agenda against you.
you actually met brett Favre? that's awesome.
You know what they say about men with big feet? They wear big shoes. And socks. I bet you didn't know that.
Seagulls and geese are amongst the most evil birds in the world. When I was a kid we would go to the park and feed bread to the ducks but if there were geese around we did not because the geese would chase after you, wanting more bread when you had already given it to them. Now there are hundreds of geese around, hardly any ducks and everyone hates them. They block the roads when I am driving to work but nobody drives over them. Everyone hates them but when a family of geese crosses the road they can't bring themselves to run them over. So they honk, and the geese just honk back.
#1 - Lutherans make some mighty interesting folks. I was president of Lutheran Student Movement in my senior year. ... and I was known for upholding the "presidential tradition" of being a semi-alcoholic.
... don't worry, I've stayed away from the sauce for the most part lol
Oh, and I did this seven-thing thing already lol
It was nice getting to hear these personal stories. You did an awesome job with this.
When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me.
So what do you do on a first date?
Birds are the debil!
So did you ever watch the movie The Birds????
You do such a great job of sharing stories about your life! I love when you do this! You are such an interesting person, Matty! #'s 1 and 6 were my fav to read!
HUGS!
So it was you who threw me out of that club! I hope you washed your hand.
@BenelliMan - they have big socks and shoes.
@TheSutraDude - That's awesome you met those people. My other claim to fame was hanging out with a professional wrestler and then another time talking to him right before he got arrested for assaulting a person seeking an autograph. It was probably my fault because I recognized him and we struck up a conversation and he remembered me. I also had Scottie Pippen walk into a store that I was just about to close up for the night. He ended up buying $700 worth of sunglasses.
You know the Amityville place would be interesting but I'll stick to Little House.
@spinner_mom - Stalker...I forgot to mention that. There's this guy that he does odd jobs for me and we go fishing. He's a little slow or whatever but he does weird stuff like driving by my house. Today he must've seen my car gone in the afternoon and then found it at the hospital. I was getting my flu shot and I look down the street and I see him parked in his truck. As I turn the corner to go to my vehicle I hear his truck start up but he can't pull out of his parking space because of traffic. I quick get to my vehicle, start up and back up and drive up a side street. He didn't see me pull out because a huge tractor drove through and blocked his view. I got home and locked the doors.
I live in town so I don't know if salt licks would work. My aunt lives on the edge of a town and she has so many deer in her lawn every night. I'm tempted to sit outside her house for hunting.
@TheGiantSlayer - They also say that if your pointing finger is longer than your ring finger you could be a homosexual. It has something to do with testosterone in the womb.
@roscoes_farm - well you could always tag him twice and tell him that he now has to do 14
@starmanjones - I have heard people say I have butcher's hands and then some have said I have chef's hands. I think I'm more of a butcher because that's what my name means.
@xplorrn - glad you enjoyed, I like my droning style. I try to be a more back home on the farm Hunter S. Thompson. Oh and thanks, I found some more Lenny and Squigtones youtube videos to convert to mp3.
@the_peach_assailant - I ended up buying this stuff called farmer's cheese. I love farmer's cheese that I get from farmer's or at cheese store's but something made by a big corporation cheese company was nasty or maybe it was that it didn't go so well with all that beer I had that night.
@promisesunshine - You know, I have never seen that movie. I think it's about time I get around to watching it.
@AmanduhPie - actually for my first 3 accidents I had deer whistles on my car. I didn't put them on my Blazer and I haven't hit a deer since 2004.
@Bricker59 - My back was compressed or something like that. I forget what they said but I was shorter and it was noticeable in my pants.
@bakersdozen2 - thank you, glad you enjoy. The worst is when I'm driving and birds seem to be attracted to me and they fly straight at my windshield. One time I was coming home and about an hour or so away from my place and all these sparrows flew straight into my car and most swooped away at the last moment and of course I'm ducking inside my vehicle. One sparrow didn't make it. When I got home I noticed one little bird was stuck in my grill.
@Roadkill_Spatula - I usually go to a place that carries large sizes because they are one of the largest shoe stores in Wisconsin and they also do business with all the University of Wisconsin athletic teams. I used to wear nothing but Nikes except for dress shoes but then I'd even wear Nikes when teaching/ministering but they were plain black. I switched over to New Balance because I would've started wearing an 18 in a Nike. I won't wear anything but New Balance now. I have no clue if flat feet factor into that math.
@whit1980 - thanks and thanks for the tip. When I need shoes, I usually hit up this place that works with the University of Wisconsin's athletics and they carry large sizes. They carry some shoes up to 20.
@raiderjester - I think you tell me 7 things about yourself.
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas - would I throw you out? well I don't think you'd get that bad because if the dancers took a liking to you they may have gotten you involved. Usually dancers had a way of picking out women who caused problems and when they danced at them or tried to get them out of clothes the problem cases would leave.
@nattata - the only birds I trust are cooked chicken and turkey.
@SamsPeeps - I've only met one person with larger feet. That was a kid who was a basketball star in Wisconsin who was recruited by colleges all over the country. He was about 2 years younger than me and when I was sporting a 16 or 17, he had a 22 but then he was 7ft. tall. He never did make it at basketball but that's a whole other story. The store where I get my shoes does a lot for the University of Wisconsin athletics...you habla Wisconics...The Shoe Box in Black Earth and Baraboo.
I think the birds know I hate them and also they know I have cats who can't get at them so they like to sit outside windows and mock us. They tried that with my first cat. He'd be outside on a leash and the birds would swoop at him and he'd show them he wasn't to be messed with.
@RestlessButterfly - aww thank you
@adventofreason - glad you enjoyed. I guess I don't always divulge into my personal life because a person here once told me that people didn't care about me as a person and that I should stick to just being funny without my real life put out there.
@Peridot21 - you get an A+, gold star, and a cookie.
@StrawberrySunrises - I've actually killed more deer with cars than with guns or so it seems. Favre was a pretty cool guy at the time.
@leaflesstree - I should show you my socks that my mom knitted for me a couple Christmases ago. Oh wait, you can see them, click here. You can see a cameo by one of my cats.
Oh yeah, we've been having problems with geese around here lately. They stop at the lake. Some mornings if I listen closely and don't have the tv turned on, I can hear them honking at the lake about 5 blocks from my house.
@Cestovatelka - I think Lutherans live such interesting lives because of Luther's statement about sinning: "If you're going to sin, sin boldly." and if you like drinking there was a beer called Sin Boldly but I don't think they make it any more.
@distractedbyzombies - On first dates I usually get slapped when I ask about eating my date.
@godfatherofgreenbay - bahahaha! Gees, I'd think they'd be calling for the check.
@AdamsWomanFell - actually I have and the girl who was in The Birds was born in the town where I went to college and she grew up in that area.
Glad you enjoyed.
@Aloysius_son - I wore deer skin gloves...not that you noticed.
@godfatherofgreenbay - it is brilliant (legends of the fall)
@godfatherofgreenbay - haha $700 worth of sunglasses. i liked Scottie Pippen. he was to the Bulls what Carl Banks was to the Giants. if not for Michael Jordan and Lawrence Taylor they would have been the stars. i love the wrestler story. it probably was your fault. i've photographed a lot of famous people when i was a pro photographer. Walter Cronkite, Anthony Quinn, Gary Trudeau, Lawrence Rockefeller, VP George W. Bush who i spent an hour photographing with several people at a luncheon, Paul Anka, Donald Trump, Ashford and Simpson, Cheryl Tiegs, a long list really. i worked for a woman and we were hired privately to photograph the rich and famous and the Town and Country crowd at all kinds of events and private parties. i loved walking past the paparazzi to enter places they were not allowed to enter, like photographing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin at a private charity event at the Waldorf.
one of my best friends wasn't looking where he was going and bumped into a woman across the street from the U.N. he caught her before she fell. the woman was Jackie Kennedy. instead of cursing him out as is often the case in NYC she smiled at him, then laughed and told him she was okay as he apologized. she was truly a class act.
@godfatherofgreenbay - I have been to the Shoe Box in Black Earth, just a little over a month ago now. I liked it.
I certainly hope that you will ignore anyone who says that to you in the future . . . I think you are intensely interesting.
@distractedbyzombies - yeah some women are such prudes, they eat on my dime so they should at least me dine on theirs.
@promisesunshine - well I went to find it in my library's system however the library I use is closed until the end of November. I'll have to wait until then.
@TheSutraDude - That's awesome you saw all those people. I probably mentioned the time my dad got to drive B.B. King from the airport in Madison to the casino where he played. Oh and that wrestler's name was Sean Waltman. He was busted for assault after someone at a waterpark kept bugging him for an autograph. I worked in that waterpark and before my shift started I saw him and he remembered me from the previous year. that was an awesome feeling.
@godfatherofgreenbay - you might have mentioned B.B. King but i never saw it. that is awesome. he's a national treasure and still going strong. haha the wrestler. it was your fault. no denying it. i'm sure he remembers you even more.
@SamsPeeps - I've been going there for years. The one in Baraboo isn't as crowded nor does it have all the kitschy stuff but it doesn't have the bargain room. Also, the one in Baraboo had so many Crocs in their store. I didn't know there could be that many Crocs in one place and then I went to the outlet mall in The Dells and saw that they had a Crocs store.
I had an interesting "in" with the owner through my dad. The last time I was there I bought two pair of New Balance shoes for $15. It should have been $90. My dad worked with a guy who was friends with the owner of The Shoe Box and this guy told my guy to mention his name. Apparently he took the fall for the Shoe Box guy for something or other so we got the huge discount.
@adventofreason - aww thank you, I do think that was in my really blue period but that's another story.
@TheSutraDude - well I wonder if he would since he's been in and out of rehab and released a sextape.
@godfatherofgreenbay - a professional wrestler in a sex tape? thanks for ruining my dinner.
@TheSutraDude - well if you ever want to suppress your appetite for some time, look up his partner in the video named Chyna and her rather large appendage.
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