October 26, 2011
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Motivation
The United Nations says that the world’s population could reach 15 billion by 2100 and that’s just the 5 or 6 generations from Octomom’s family.
My girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said. She was going on about something or other. I think it was how I don’t pay attention to her and I said “If I want any lip from you, I’ll unzip my pants.” So are there any single ladies out there tonight?
A study revealed that shy teenagers may have social phobias. How can you tell which teens have social phobias? They’re the ones who only communicate on Facebook or through texting.
Teenagers who drink energy drinks are more likely to engage in risky behavior. The most risky is drinking energy drinks.
More and more teenagers are engaging in unsafe sex. When I was younger, unsafe sex meant running the risk of getting caught by her parents.
Walmart announced that they were cutting employee health benefits. I’m shocked. Since when did Walmart offer benefits?
The best way to get a good night of sleep is not to have any kids.
A study revealed that heart disease in the United States is declining. I think it’s because the people with heart disease are dying so they don’t get included in the surveys.
Student loan defaults are at a record high. It’s pretty hard for the repo men to come to their houses to repossess their education.
I think the real reason that Pluto is no longer considered a planet is because NASA got sick of paying Disney’s licensing fees.
Starbucks will soon be selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently people are no longer willing to pay $9 a glass for coffee but they will for beer and wine.
Light travels faster than sound which is why some people appear to be bright before they speak.
100% of divorces are caused by marriage.
A recent study revealed that 75% of women say that one of the criteria for picking a spouse is that they marry a “smart man”. The joke is on them because smart men don’t get married.
The best way to keep from mornings bringing you down is to sleep until noon.
50% of Americans support legalized marijuana and not surprisingly most of those Americans own stock in Little Debbie, Hostess, and Nabisco.
ESPN announced that Tim Tebow bought his Halloween costume today. He will be going as Aaron Rodgers. When asked why he decided on Rodgers, Tebow said that he always wanted to be a football player.
Ladies, you can send me all the nude pics you want but I’ll never leave my wife. One reason is she always smells like blueberry muffins and the other reason is that she’d kill me.
The Badgers lost on Saturday. I didn’t cry that much since I saw myself on video playing air guitar to “Forget About Me” by Simple Minds.
If you want to have some fun when one of your friends gets drunk. Take their cellphone and switch his/her mom’s phone number with their boyfriend/girlfriend’s number.
I invested in celery futures and to help drive up my stock I’ve been calling celery “Edible Ranch Dressing Shovels”.
Since Mitt Romney is pretty much denying everything else about his life, I bet within the next couple of weeks, he’ll deny he’s Mormon so he can get the Christian Conservative vote.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
Since the dollar is losing value, I’ve thought about getting back into collecting Beanie Babies. In related news, I plan on never having sex again.
Have you ever drank yourself sober? Me either but I keep on trying.
Remember the good old days of the History Channel when you could watch it and see shows about World War II? Now all that’s on there are shows about pawn shops, trash pickers, aliens, and truck drivers. HOW IS THAT HISTORY?
Ladies, bigger isn’t always better so stop with those huge sunglasses and thinking my penis isn’t adequate.
Babies are so cute when they smile, laugh, sleep, and aren’t mine.
When a woman says “come here” I never pay attention unless she’s pointing to her face or chest.
I tend to have more manners than most guys. I introduce myself before I stare at a girl’s boobs.
Why do people say men suffer from premature ejaculation? It’s the women who are suffering.
I’m not too picky when it comes to girls. All I like is that they are 18 or older and I have consent.
The most popular girl in my high school class had the surname “Rimmer” but she wouldn’t get asked out on as many dates as the girl who had the surname “Hooker”.
I delete typos because I hate mistakes. I’m glad my parents loved theirs.
Someone thought they were insulting me when they called me a Xangalebrity. You should’ve seen the size of my erection.
Do you want more people to follow you on Xanga? Well do it like I do. Be sexy as hell.
I think half of the heart attacks in the world are caused by English teachers logging into Xanga and reading top blogs…yes I’m not well at grammar.
The only thing worse than Nickelback’s music is all the shitty Xanga jokes about Nickelback making shitty music.
Oh Xangan who always says not a single fuck was given but it's quite obvious that you care because you have to repeatedly type that mantra to make us think you don't care, even if I did give a shit, I wouldn’t give it to you.
Comments (45)
Good finds
hahahaha..... an introduction always is called for before staring.
hmm i'm trying to figure out who the xangan is that you mention in the last line there...
some mighty fine giggles in there.
Thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed it.
“If I want any lip from you, I’ll unzip my pants.” HAA!!!
I was thinking about beanie babies the other day while driving home from work. I wonder if people still keep them in plastic cases? I wonder if their ever going to be worth any money? I wonder why I didn't keep my pog collection...
100% of divorces are caused by marriage... LOL So true.
Yes, it IS the women who are suffering!
Love the line about English teachers and Xanga!
HUGS and Happy Hump Day!
'The best way to get a good night of sleep is not to have any kids.' 100% agreement on that thar statement!!!!!
Love love love the Perspective poster!!! I have *got* to have that one!!!!
@npr32486 - glad you enjoyed
@roscoes_farm - that way they can use my name and remember it when they call me a perv
lol swimming
Light travels faster than sound which is why some people appear to be bright before they speak.
At times that is a very good description of me. Like last night. Conversation by text with a friend. Surprise, surprise I end up confused. And said as much. Their response "Inside your blond baby" which in the context of the conversation we were having made no sense to me. Which I said. This is the response I got "Ok...hair is black and blue...yet when opening a jar you wonder why the electric can opener doesn't work on it"
I think people keep me around to make themselves seem far more intelligent then they are. Although I am finding that the low expectations do have their benefits hehehe
@Peridot21 - oh I think you probably know but then maybe your hiatus left you high and dry as to drama and movers and shakers of Xanga
@promisesunshine - glad you enjoyed
Can I just say that I love the part about Tim Tebow? Genius.
"The best way to get a good night of sleep is not to have any kids."
I should have that tattooed on my body somewhere... Probably across my belly as a reminder that No kids! also means... no warped stretched tattoos around the belly area.
@ShadesOfWynter - glad I could help
@AmanduhPie - OH MAN POGS! I still have some next to my sports cards. I have one case of Baywatch pogs...BAYWATCH POGS! And I wonder why I complain about being single.
@RestlessButterfly - maybe that's why I don't get married
@AdamsWomanFell - I never quite got the idea of how men suffer from that other than I feel like I'm going before I'm coming.
@spinner_mom - glad you liked that poster. I have worried I was getting to the bottom of the barrel in my motivational poster folder. I have to transfer all the new ones over to that folder.
I think that's why I like teaching kids because I only put up with them a few hours a day.
@boilingicicle - I love that one but I think people think I'm weird for saying that.
@cja1976 - I tend not to do much or say smart things so that way people won't expect much out of me or come to me to solve problems.
@JUST_ME_1984 - I am so sick of Tebow. Half of ESPN wants him crucified and the other half claim he's the Savior of the NFL. You can really tell that they are hurting for news with no NBA if all they have to talk about is Tebow and Boston Red Sox players eating chicken and drinking beer. I could care less about players eating and drinking in the bullpen. Years ago I remember a controversy when a player, David Cone, masturbated in the bullpen. Tim Tebow and eating chicken aren't newsworthy.
@TheGhioniFiles - hahaha...tattooed YES!
@JUST_ME_1984 - Oh and I'm not done bashing Tebow. For the majority of that game, like 55 minutes, he was such a horrible passer. He was averaging 7 inches per pass. That's INCHES and not YARDS! If the Broncos wanted someone to give them 7 inches a pass they could've gotten me to play QB, I would've given them 7 inches..but not in that way...yeah that's pretty bad. Anyway, he passed 7 inches per pass. How is a team going to win with that? Maybe I'm spoiled because I've had Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers. I try to forget Don Majikowski and Anthony Dillwig.
@godfatherofgreenbay - well, a couple of names did come to mind... but idk if i'm right (and, yeah, my hiatus really put me out of the loop as far as xanga drama goes) ... will you give me a hint? like is it a guy or a girl?
I don't know about social phobias but I have a serious talking-to-strangers-on-the-phone phobia. If I don't recognize the number that shit is going to voicemail... I don't know what I'd do if texting didn't exist.
do knock-off Ray Bans count as huge sunglasses?
Of COURSE she doesn't do drugs! That would be silly.
You were on your game here. Sharp!
I love your taste in music.
I don't know if I have told you how much I appreciate your blog. Not only does it make me laugh, which is terribly important, but you keep this place so warm and personal too. I am so grateful I found my way here. Thank you for keeping things fun.
i'd like to see an "education repo man" ... snort snort!
@Peridot21 - what if I said both?
@carolinavenger - Today I kept getting these phone calls that played a recording "We have an important message for you but our operators are busy". I usually hang up when I get a recording like that. If it was so important then they'd be on the line waiting for me to answer. Well I hung up and then I tried calling the number from my caller ID. It was a porn line. So about 9PM I get another call from the same number and they want me to consolidate loans. I'd be interested to see those banks
@Wait_by_Moonlight - Yes, indeed, pure silliness.
@distractedbyzombies - I'm pissed that the last song isn't working but I suppose if people really want to hear it they can go to youtube which is where I downloaded it from.
@adventofreason - hmmm I'm trying to figure out what you mean by personal, I try to reveal little snippets of my life here and there.
@windupherskirt - I think they'd have to come into a house with a bone saw and a bucket.
@godfatherofgreenbay - hahaha
@godfatherofgreenbay - or a suction thingie to suck out your brain! ick!
@godfatherofgreenbay - (chris farley lol) umm well, my first thought was that it's a chick... but it's very possible that she's not really, so that would work, i guess
(how 'bout this? just tell me who it is!!!)
I'm confused on the shrimp too.
@godfatherofgreenbay - You still have them? You need to pull those bitches out and play with 'em. I wish I still had my collection but my sister traded them for some makeup.
"Do you want more people to follow you on Xanga?Well do it like I do.Be sexy as hell."
*takes notes*