October 26, 2011

  • Motivation

    The United Nations says that the world’s population could reach 15 billion by 2100 and that’s just the 5 or 6 generations from Octomom’s family.

    My girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said.  She was going on about something or other.  I think it was how I don’t pay attention to her and I said “If I want any lip from you, I’ll unzip my pants.”  So are there any single ladies out there tonight?

    A study revealed that shy teenagers may have social phobias.  How can you tell which teens have social phobias?  They’re the ones who only communicate on Facebook or through texting.

    Teenagers who drink energy drinks are more likely to engage in risky behavior.  The most risky is drinking energy drinks.

    More and more teenagers are engaging in unsafe sex.  When I was younger, unsafe sex meant running the risk of getting caught by her parents.

    Walmart announced that they were cutting employee health benefits.  I’m shocked.  Since when did Walmart offer benefits?

    The best way to get a good night of sleep is not to have any kids.

    A study revealed that heart disease in the United States is declining.  I think it’s because the people with heart disease are dying so they don’t get included in the surveys.

    Student loan defaults are at a record high.  It’s pretty hard for the repo men to come to their houses to repossess their education.

    I think the real reason that Pluto is no longer considered a planet is because NASA got sick of paying Disney’s licensing fees.

    Starbucks will soon be selling beer and wine in their stores.  Apparently people are no longer willing to pay $9 a glass for coffee but they will for beer and wine.

    Light travels faster than sound which is why some people appear to be bright before they speak.

    100% of divorces are caused by marriage.

    A recent study revealed that 75% of women say that one of the criteria for picking a spouse is that they marry a “smart man”.  The joke is on them because smart men don’t get married.

    The best way to keep from mornings bringing you down is to sleep until noon.

    50% of Americans support legalized marijuana and not surprisingly most of those Americans own stock in Little Debbie, Hostess, and Nabisco.

    ESPN announced that Tim Tebow bought his Halloween costume today.  He will be going as Aaron Rodgers.  When asked why he decided on Rodgers, Tebow said that he always wanted to be a football player.

    Ladies, you can send me all the nude pics you want but I’ll never leave my wife.  One reason is she always smells like blueberry muffins and the other reason is that she’d kill me.

    The Badgers lost on Saturday.  I didn’t cry that much since I saw myself on video playing air guitar to “Forget About Me” by Simple Minds.

    If you want to have some fun when one of your friends gets drunk.  Take their cellphone and switch his/her mom’s phone number with their boyfriend/girlfriend’s number.

    I invested in celery futures and to help drive up my stock I’ve been calling celery “Edible Ranch Dressing Shovels”.

    Since Mitt Romney is pretty much denying everything else about his life, I bet within the next couple of weeks, he’ll deny he’s Mormon so he can get the Christian Conservative vote.

    And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
















    Since the dollar is losing value, I’ve thought about getting back into collecting Beanie Babies.  In related news, I plan on never having sex again.

    Have you ever drank yourself sober?  Me either but I keep on trying.

    Remember the good old days of the History Channel when you could watch it and see shows about World War II?  Now all that’s on there are shows about pawn shops, trash pickers, aliens, and truck drivers.  HOW IS THAT HISTORY?

    Ladies, bigger isn’t always better so stop with those huge sunglasses and thinking my penis isn’t adequate.

    Babies are so cute when they smile, laugh, sleep, and aren’t mine.

    When a woman says “come here” I never pay attention unless she’s pointing to her face or chest.

    I tend to have more manners than most guys.  I introduce myself before I stare at a girl’s boobs.

    Why do people say men suffer from premature ejaculation?  It’s the women who are suffering.

    I’m not too picky when it comes to girls.  All I like is that they are 18 or older and I have consent.

    The most popular girl in my high school class had the surname “Rimmer” but she wouldn’t get asked out on as many dates as the girl who had the surname “Hooker”.

    I delete typos because I hate mistakes.  I’m glad my parents loved theirs.

    Someone thought they were insulting me when they called me a Xangalebrity.  You should’ve seen the size of my erection.

    Do you want more people to follow you on Xanga?  Well do it like I do.  Be sexy as hell.

    I think half of the heart attacks in the world are caused by English teachers logging into Xanga and reading top blogs…yes I’m not well at grammar.

    The only thing worse than Nickelback’s music is all the shitty Xanga jokes about Nickelback making shitty music.

    Oh Xangan who always says not a single fuck was given but it's quite obvious that you care because you have to repeatedly type that mantra to make us think you don't care, even if I did give a shit, I wouldn’t give it to you.

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