October 29, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 10/28/11

  I figure I have to stop updating my last post.  I keep finding costumes and I have to post them...must stop.  Anyway, such a nice day of doing nothing.  I sat around naked and eating Milk Duds.  Ladies, I could be yours.  Anyway it's time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  This is for @rob_of_the_sky, Weird Al turned 52 this week.   I remember my first year teaching at a Lutheran high school.  They were pretty strict about their dress code and all musical acts other than the school band were forbidden from being worn.  I was torn when I saw kids wearing Weird Al shirts because the night before there was a Weird Al concert and just hours after the concert his parents died.  I pretended I didn't know who Weird Al was.  I can't believe I denied Weird Al.  I went through a period in life where I hated Weird Al and that was because I had a girlfriend who only listened to Weird Al.  Her music library consisted solely of Weird Al CDs.  It was a little strange.  Also the only movie she wanted to watch was "The Nightmare Before Christmas".  Even though I've come to enjoy Weird Al again I don't think I'll ever be able to watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas".  Anyway #weirdalshouldfollowrobofthesky
  
  Tila Tequila turned 30 this week.  You know how you can tell she's maturing in her old age?  She hasn't released a sex tape in at least a month.
  
  This lovely man is Steven Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith and judge on American Idol.  Aerosmith is currently touring in South America.  While in Argentina Tyler claims he contracted food poisoning and when he got to his hotel in Paraguay he was very sick and went to shower but he had a bout of diarrhea and slipped and fell.  He knocked out two teeth and required stitches.  Aerosmith had to postpone their tour because of his fall.  I don't think his fall was because of diarrhea or food poisoning or even being drunk.  He's 63.  He should start wearing one of those medic alert necklaces.  And because I am a freak I've had the Aerosmith song "Dream On" stuck in my head but I've tried changing the lyrics to "di'rrhea, di'rrhea, wipe, wipe with me, wipe for the year, wipe for the laughter and wipe for the tear".  I'm no Weird Al. 
  
  In case you didn't know or smell, Snooki has her own perfume fragrance.  This week the Home Shopping Network announced that they would have a two hour special for Snooki to sell her perfume and other products.  It will air November 10th.  I bet thousands of people will turn in to buy the shit as gag gifts and she'll rake in a fortune.  So what does Snooki's perfume smell like?  I'd say it's a combination of vomit, feces, urine, and desperation.  There is a cheaper way to smell like Snooki.  Step 1: Lick the inside of a dirty ashtray.  Step 2: Bathe in toilet water.  Step 3: Roll around in dog feces.  Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3 every ten minutes.  To be honest, she should be selling a product designed to prevent you from smelling like her, something I like to call "soap".
  
  Robin Williams married his girlfriend Susan Schneider this week.  He gave her carpet burn on their wedding night from rubbing his fur coat all over her body.  This is Robin's third wife.  You know what they say, "Third wife's the charm"...because straight people have kept marriage sacred.
  
  Tonya Cooley, middle, was on The Real World Chicago.  She was also featured on the recent season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.  She is suing MTV because of some shenanigans that took place while filming.  She claims that Kenny Santucci, left, and Evan Starkman, right, sexually assaulted her while filming.  She alleges that one night while she was sleeping, these two "men" took her toothbrush and raped her with it while she slept.  I guess that's what MTV wants us to know what happens when people stop being polite.  She also says that the cameras caught every minute of her assault and none of the cameramen nor producers did anything to intervene.  Tonya said the producers didn't tell her of the assault and they destroyed the evidence and gave her a new toothbrush.  Several other girls have come forward because they heard producers encouraging the male contestants to grab women in their off-limits parts before, during, and after challenges.  The producers also are alleged to have stolen bathing suits while females were showering or swimming nude and had the male cast members inappropriately fondle them.  Kenny and Evan never got in trouble on the show for their rape but Tonya was kicked off the show because she slapped a fellow contestant.  I don't watch reality series and this is why.  I think we need to bring all reality programming to an end because I bet this type of thing happens on other shows as well. 
  
  Hey, Miley Cyrus was out bird watching this week.  She flipped the bird and the paparazzi watched it.  Remember when Miley was wholesome and god-fearing?  She's done a 180 degree turn.  I bet she's on her way home with that big bag of birdseed to do drugs and have sex and tape the World Series without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
  
  Because Hugh Hefner is old and can't see too well, he offered Lindsay Lohan $1million to pose naked for Playboy.  Originally they offered her $750,000 but she refused so they threw in an extra $250K and now she's going to get naked for the cameras.  They have reportedly done the photoshoot this week so they can get the photos in the January issue and so that they will have plenty of time to photoshop the pictures.  Hustler didn't make an offer because they know that in 6 months they can buy her services for hardcore porn for a bottle of Thunderbird.  First reports said that Lindsay would be nude but her naughty bits wouldn't be visible.  Well new stories are out that she will be showing off everything because a source at the shoot said when the cameras went click, Lindsay spread her legs and showed off what it would look like if the Slim Jim man rolled around in a cave of rancid roast beef covered in a body suit made of scabs.  A check is a check and this will probably boost the pornographic economy and help Playboy recover their declining numbers.  They say it is tastefully done but that just means it's Girls Gone Wild with better lighting.  In 2005, Lohan was asked about doing nude scenes for a movie.  Here's what she said: "You’ll never see me in a nude scene.  I think there’s a way to for those kinds of things to be tastefully done and you don’t need to show that, and I don’t think that’s what is needed to win someone an Oscar.  For me, personally… I think there are other things you can do to show people that you have talent.”  It took 6 years for her to go from an attractive girl to a cracked out meth freak who'll get naked and do god knows what else for drug money.  Giving young women with drug and alcohol problems $1million to take their clothes off really sends the wrong message and can cause long term damage to the fabric of our society.  I have to go to the ATM and withdraw $40 with a $3 surcharge if I want to go to a stripclub to see women take off their clothes.  What kind of world are we leaving for our sons if we teach our girls that they need to get paid $1million to take off their clothes?  I don't know America any more.  Also this week, Lindsay Lohan's reps were approached by the good people at Fleshlight(very NSFW) hoping to sign a deal that would see Lindsay mold her vagina and Fleshlight could begin producing authentic Lindsay Lohan sex toys.  Many porn stars have molded their lady parts to make sex toys and they've made quite a pile of money.  There is no word on whether or not she is going to do this but like I said earlier, for a meth freak a check is a check and money buys more meth.  Her representatives say she won't do that but just give Lindsay two months of no work and she'll be begging to have her vagina molded. 
  
  In other Lohan family news, Lindsay's father, Michael Lohan, was arrested this week.  He was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence and fleeing police officers.  Michael sure shows his daughter that he's a stable role model for her.  He allegedly came home drunk and high and tried to get his girlfriend to perform oral sex on him but she refused.  When she said no he went nuts.  He tried to throw her off a balcony.  So how are you going to commit murder for not getting a blowjob?  I mean I haven't experienced that bit of heaven in ages but I'd never murder anyone because I'm not getting head.  He then threw a TV remote at her, pushed her, broke her cellphone, grabbed her arms and said that he'd slit both of their wrists right there so they'd both die.  ALL BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T GIVE HIM A BLOWJOB!?!?!?!?!  When police showed up they saw Lohan on the second floor balcony trying to hide behind a pillar.  The police yelled at him to give up but he tried hiding himself better.  Police approached and he ran up a stairwell.  He was on the 3rd story balcony while police were on the second and he tried to grab onto the roof but he fell off and onto the balcony where the police were standing.  He got up and ran before police could catch him but this time he got on the roof and ran away.  He then fell off the roof and landed on a bunch of wooden chairs.  Police estimated that the fall was at least 34 feet.  Lohan then tried to climb a tree and hide from police but they removed him from the tree.  When they finally got him out, Michael clutched his chest and complained that he was having chest pain.  I wonder why.  He's running from the cops, running on roofs, falling on balconies, landing in wooden chairs, climbing trees.  That actually sounds like my playing style on Grand Theft Auto.  I've been trying to wrap my head around this story but you can't explain the actions of a sociopath.  No wonder Lindsay is messed up.  It's hereditary. 
  
  This is Melissa McCarthy.  She's dressed as Divine from Pink Flamingos for a photo shoot in Entertainment Weekly.  I love Melissa and I love Pink Flamingos.  John Waters is so fascinating.  When I first saw these photos I was concerned that they were going to remake that movie.  How could they in this day and age when every remake has to be a big budget movie?  Would they include the dog scene?  Would they include the chicken scene?  The only person that could pull off that remake would probably be Judd Apatow.  But Melissa McCarthy...yum.
  
  Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon took time out of their schedule of working on _____ to show off their twins, Moroccan and Monroe.  I believe Moroccan is the boy being held by his father and Monroe is the girl being held by her mother.  You know, those are cute kids.  Most of the time I think babies look like wrinkled old men in small packages with pink raccoon eyes but these kids are cute which makes me wonder how much plastic surgery Mariah's put them through.  Oh I shouldn't joke, she looks so happy.  Fuck, I'm just jealous.  Next.
  
  Madonna was booed at the London premiere of her movie "W. E." set in 1937 about Wallis Simpson and how Prince Edward abdicated the throne so he could marry her.  Madonna also contends in the movie that Wallis and the prince were Nazi sympathizers.  Critics have absolutely panned the movie and now the English people are quite upset at Madonna.  Of course this movie was going to suck.  It was made by Madonna.  Maybe she'll come back to our shores where she can take care of her brother who is homeless.  Yes, Madonna's oldest brother is homeless and living under a bridge in Michigan.  I think if he wants her to take care of him, he should move to Africa and pretend to be an orphan.  In other news, Lady Gaga said she was going to direct a film called "E. W." and it's going to be set in 1973 and is going to be about a woman named Simpson Wallace and how she made Prince Tedward take the throne of France.  See, it's totally not the same thing.
  
  Kirsten Dunst recently tweeted about how big her boobs are.  She was spotted in Las Vegas this week wearing a bikini.  I'm adjusting my glass and reaching for my compass and protractor from my pocket protector.  I'm also adjust my pants because they are getting tight for some unknown reason.  Well I can't say anything about her breasts being too big or too small since I have nothing to compare them to.  If any of you ladies want to help in scientific research you can send me nudes.  OK, I just want to see boobs.  I'll be upfront about it.  Please help a dying* man see his dream fulfilled.
  
  Tyler Perry has cast a former amateur porn star named Kim Kardashian to star in one of his new church movies titled The Marriage Counselor.  It's been said that Tyler Perry was so impressed by Kim not showing any human emotion while getting plowed by Ray J so he wanted to cast her in one of his movies.  Seriously, what does he see in her?  Oh yeah, her butt, her ass, and her booty.  Kim will be the titular character and probably the tittiest character as well unless Tyler Perry decides he needs to satisfy his crossdressing needs.  Actually I think this movie will be the only movie in history where the public begs for Madea.  The movie will be about a marriage counselor who breaks her own advice and sleeps with a client only to realize she has made a huge mistake.  The only mistake Kim has made is not getting an ownership clause in her sextape deal.  A story was also released this week that Kim's husband, Kris Humphries wasn't her first choice of husband.  E! executives arranged for Kim to date another NBA player named Danilo Gallinari.  The executives told Gallinari that if he dated Kim then his career would explode but Danilo turned them down.  I think it was because he doesn't speak much English and couldn't understand all those fancy Hollywood types with their fancy talk.  This story is believable for two reasons.  1.  There is a "K" in the word "fake" which describes everything about Kim and also the Kardashian Klan is trying to copyright the letter "K".  2.  Kim wanted a husband really bad and was going to have her mother Kris do anything it took to get her one including putting out notices to every single professional athlete who wouldn't mind urinating on people.  People are upset with Kim Kardashian because they claim she's cheating in order to get her brother Rob to advance on Dancing with the Stars.  This past weekend she put out a tweet about having Justin Bieber's phone number and she posted the phone number but it turned out that it was the phone number that people call in order to vote for Rob on Dancing with the Stars.  The tweet was retweeted thousands of times so who knows how many people saw it and believed it.  I hate myself for typing that.  She later said she was joking but who can tell how many of Kim's fans are also DWTS fans.  Where is the moron overlap?  Normally, I’d say that Kim cheated and Rob should be eliminated, but then I remembered that the only people who were tricked were fans of the Kardashians, Justin Bieber and Dancing with the Stars. Namely: morons. Sure, what Kim did was completely unethical, as is pretty much everything she does, but to be fair, if you like all three of the things listed above, you should probably spend less time getting all huffy over this and more time padding the sharp corners of your house.
  
  This is Kat Dennings and even though I dislike her show I find her to be an inspiration.  There is an average part of me that wants to go between her breasts and go ahlsdhfjklsdhsdioupewqrmasdbfublumpkin.  That is all.
  
  In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, Justin Bieber gave his girlfriend Selena Gomez a free exam.  A lot of people were upset by this and I can see why.  I once was young and many still consider me young and I love boobs but don't do that in public.  Of course I'm not a celebrity so I don't know the pressures that the media puts on you to grab your girlfriend's breasts in public but since people have called me a Xanga-lebrity or whatever I'm willing to let you ladies come over and have me grab your breasts.  Just putting that out there.  I think Selena and Justin are trying to unite Canada and Mexico against the U.S.  By the way, they were at a hockey game...dun dun dun.  This is why the U.S. should invade Canada before that unborn Mexican-Canadian John Connor can take over our airwaves with shitty music and destroys good music forever.  It shouldn't be hard to take over Canada because it's Canada.  Captain America could walk in with a megaphone and take it over.
  
  Jessica Simpson's father Joe is trying to get a large amount of money from magazines for Jessica to reveal her pregnancy.  He's been asking for $500,000 for her to announce that she's pregnant.  Well she sort of spoiled his plans by going out in public wearing a spandex shirt exposing her pregnant belly.  Maybe she's not pregnant, maybe she just has a bloated belly from enjoying 5 too many McRibs...like me.  I love me those McRibs.
  
  Elton John and his husband David Furnish were out and about with their son Zachary this week.  Every time I look at that photo I crack up when I see Zachary's face.  Either he's showing his displeasure for the paparazzi or he's embarrassed by his fathers or he's upset that he's been seen in that outfit.  Mittens and a porkpie hat?  Really?
  
  Eddie Murphy tells Rolling Stone magazine that he is finished making family movies: “I don’t have any interest in that right now. There’s really no blueprint, but I’m trying to do some edgy stuff. And I only want to do what I really want to do, otherwise I’m content to sit here and play my guitar all day. I always tell people now that I’m a semiretired gentleman of leisure, and occasionally I’ll go do some work to break the boredom up.”  That may be the best career move he's made since he made Beverly Hills Cop.  Speaking of which, he doesn't want to do another Beverly Hills Cop movie but he's interesting in making a sitcom based on the movie series but have it follow Axel Foley's son.  He also talks about getting back into doing stand-up.  Man, I guess Eddie has finally wised up in his life but then you can go nowhere but up after Norbit.
  
  Remember this guy from Saturday Night Live?  His name is Darrell Hammond.  When he did the skits as Sean Connery he did such a great job imitating Connery and even had his constant drunk slur down.  Well in his new autobiography, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked, Darrell says that the reason why he sounded drunk was because he was probably drunk.  He says that in order to go on stage he did massive amounts of coke and drank a lot of cognac.  He claims that he had a lot of traumatizing experiences as a child and that caused him to turn to drugs and alcohol and when that didn't work he would cut himself.  In the late 90s he was taken out of NBC in a straightjacket and then in the 2000s he would do a lot of coke but was creative about how he did it during telecasts so people wouldn't catch on.  He said his lowpoint came in 2009 when he was smoking crack at a crackhouse in Harlem.  Now he is clean thanks to rehab.  This has been a public service for the 99% of funny people are battling demons.  I guess this explains why Hammond did Agent Cody Banks.  A check is a check.
  
  Last weekend Courtney Stodden and her serial killer looking husband Dough Hutchinson were escorted out of a pumpkin patch because concerned mothers thought they were displaying too much public affection.  According to Doug and Courtney they are in love and like to show that they love each.  Courtney also claims that the mothers were jealous because she is hot and they are not.  She also said that some of the complaining mothers were wearing shirts that showed off cleavage and wondered why they weren't asked to leave.  They also claim that the fathers loved her antics and that many little children thought she was a Pumpkin Patch Princess.  After they were escorted out of the pumpkin patch Courtney took to Twitter to show that she's a good Christian girl: "Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24"  I'm sure if Jesus had internet access in heaven he'd change that passage to something like "Do not judge by appearance but judge the shit out of lying attention whores."
  
  And for those of you who were wondering, here's an older photo of Courtney Stodden compared to a current photo of Courtney Stodden.  Yeah, she's a natural 17 year old.  I can't believe she didn't start out as a clone of a Pamela Anderson sex doll.  So this evidence tells me one of two things.  1.  She's not really 17. -OR- 2.  She's had extensive plastic surgery.  It has to be one or there other or sadly it's probably both. 
  
  Britney Spears was back in concert and she looks like she puts on a sexy show.  You know, I think she's hot although I didn't quite understand the part of her concert where she had her back-up dancers rub her bunions.  Burn all the calories you want hating on her all you want but deep down you wish you could look as sexy as her when you're holding back your farts.
  
  An autopsy report was released this week.  Doctors determined that Amy Winehouse died of what they called "alcohol misadventure" and "accidental death".  They said her body had five time the legal limit of alcohol.  I feel bad for her.  She was so troubled but unless she was strapped down to a bed and accidentally given an IV full of vodka or fell into a vat of beer, how can that be considered accidental?

  Hey look...it's before midnight.  I'm getting better at staying in on Friday nights!  Have a great weekend!

  * Aren't we all dying from the moment we're born?

  • 7:13 PM
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