October 31, 2011
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My Balls
I thought since there is all this focus on breast cancer and female Xangans are posting photos of their breasts, I would take a second and post a photo of my balls.
So here they are, my balls:
Like I would really post a photo of my testicles here on Xanga.
This is a story from a few years ago when I had a close call with what I thought was testicular cancer. I felt a sharp pain in my groin and it went away so I thought nothing of it. Anyway about two weekends later I was sitting around on a Friday night and I decided it was time for a self-examination of my testicles. So maybe it wasn't really a self-exam but screw you for judging me. It's not like you've never done that before. OK I'm over it now. I was "examining" and I found a lump on Ol' Lefty. So I freaked out. I was so scared. Something like that isn't supposed to happen to a 25 year old guy (at the time). I started worrying I would never have kids and I would lose my balls and women wouldn't want a guy who has no nuts and can't produce children. I had visitors over that weekend and I think I was a little withdrawn from them. I had a lot running through my mind. I just couldn't talk about it. Honestly, who goes up to their friends and says, "Hey, John, I have a lump on my testicle. How about those Packers?" I was thinking of going to the pastor for advice but how would I put it. "Hey pastor, last night I was manipulating the ship's primary firing mechanism and I found a barnacle on the starboard side." Yeah, like that would happen. So I went to the doctor while I was at home visiting my family. While my parents went to the grocery store I snuck out and went to the clinic. I almost chickened out when I saw the receptionist. This knock-out blonde...how am I going to tell her I have a lump on my balls? Well, I told her that I had a skin condition that the doctor needed to check out. The doctor saw me right away which was odd because usually a nurse pre-examines and a doctor just checks out. He came in and I told him and he looked at it and said I had a cyst. I was foolish and just felt the lump and didn't go further into my exam. He said it wasn't cancer because it wasn't on the testicle. Yes he pulled my satchel to show me. He removed the cyst with a scalpel which was a little scary. So he stitched me up with two stitches and everything was all swell. He said that it was good that I examined myself and when I found something I went in. The doctor also said and I quote "It takes a lot of balls to do what you did today." Apparently most guys just shrug it off and it's too late when they find it and they might have to lose Ol' Lefty or Righty. He also said that I should try to look at this with humor. Yeah, I thought I wouldn't ever have kids but now I am thinking that the swelling might attract the females. Guys feel your balls. It's a serious issue. I didn't even have cancer and it scared me. Girls stop thinking about balls and examine your breasts. Early detection is the key. Sorry not to just focus on my balls but I do support the fight against breast cancer. Just remember the words of Tom Green, who lost his balls:
Hey kids feel your balls
So you don't get Cancer
Hey kids feel your balls
So you don't get cancer
Feel your balls
Squeeze your balls
Tease your balls
Please your balls
Early detection is the key
Rub your balls and you won't get cancer
Hey kids feel your balls
So you don't get Cancer
Hey kids feel your balls
You don't want cancer
Rub your balls
Squeeze your balls
So you don't get cancer
MASTURBATE EVERYDAY!
Hey kids feel your balls
So you don't get cancer
Hey kids rub your balls
So you don't get cancer
RUB YOUR BALLS WHILE MASTURBATING!
Hey kids rub your balls,
While masturbating looking for lump
If you find a lump
Then go to the doctor
And get your testicle removed
RUB YOUR TESTICLES,
WHILE MASTURBATING OR WHILE NOT MASTURBATING!
Rub your balls for no reason
Other then for checking for cancer
Or rub your balls
Specifically for the only reason of
Checking for cancer
Or rub your balls
Only for pleasure
Or for pleasure and
For checking for cancer at the same time
You can pleasure your balls
And also check for cancer
At the same time
You can pleasure yourself
And also check for cancer
At the same time
TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE!
Pleasure your balls
And check them for
Cancer at the same timeSeriously, check yourself. God won't strike you down for touching yourself to see if you are in tip-top shape.
Comments (39)
Great post.
is it ok if i just laughed?
I am glad that this had a happy ending and that you took care of things. Indeed, all adolescent snickering aside (and trust me, balls in general engender that response), this is a serious thing. Thank you for sharing. Gotta tell you though, the whole barnacle thing had me just about spewing my morning diet coke. Serious in and of itself.
ha so clever you are... srsly tho, glad everything was okay
I'm glad everything was okay. Yay balls!
Wait...how am I supposed to do my Samhain/halloween thing if I'm focused on balls all day?
Oh, and happy halloween!
I see the surgery left a lot of scars. He should've used smaller stitches.
I have the strongest urge to kick someone balls right now. Don't worry, not yours. But I don't mind if you let me practice on yours.
I was trying to feel my balls, but I ended up just feeling this like...gushy spot.
FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT.
No seriously though, this is a good post and it's super important to bring awareness. Thanks Matty
@ZombieMom_Speaks - You're trying to tell me focusing on balls ALL DAY wouldn't make your, um, moonlight ritual a little more exciting?
@adventofreason - Diet Coke is a precious resource!!
Good advice! Glad you are performing regular exams for your good health.
I had a scare a few years ago. I found a few lumps on both breasts, but the biggest one was in the same spot where I had been hit by a softball a year earlier. It was a pretty hard hit and it left a huge nasty looking bruise that took almost two weeks to heal and I never got it checked at the time so I was sure I was screwed. They all turned out to be harmless cysts. It was scary going through the tests, especially the mammogram, just because I was sure they would say they were tumors, but totally worth it.
Check your boobs and balls kids!
I'm glad you're OK. Good advice!
I would take your advice and check my balls now if I had balls. Since I don't, I'll simply say that I admire your photo and the many clever euphemisms you put into this telling. I have heard many people speak in euphemisms for the penis, but not so many for the testicles. Thank you for educating me today.
That is a lovely set of balls you've got there. Although I'm pretty sure you've got a couple of extra ones...and they seem to be rather varied in size.
you have 4 balls?
I check myself very often. I have to constantly check to make sure I don't have a disease.
@SamsPeeps - thank you!
@promisesunshine - yes, I was hoping to illicit laughter and men taking heed.
@godfatherofgreenbay - heed. nope. not saying a word.
@adventofreason - sorry to make you lose your diet coke. I owe you one. I think testicles are God's joke for mankind.
@Peridot21 - as am I, I'm not a good bicyclist like Lance Armstrong so if I had cancer I wouldn't have a bicycle career to help me fight cancer.
@ZombieMom_Speaks - you have balls on the mind? weird because most men's minds are in their balls.
@distractedbyzombies - I wanted the stitches extra large so the ladies could get a better grip on the balls.
@RestlessButterfly - well I mind, I mind quite a bit
@opticalnoise - glad I could help one way or another
@godfatherofgreenbay -
@girlForgetful - great advice, I don't know why people are afraid to check themselves. I think it's the stigmata people put on masturbation.
@ShadesOfWynter - thank you!
@leaflesstree - well thank you, I'm glad I could illicit that response
@cja1976 - they called me E.T. in high school (extra testicles) which is better than a friend whom everyone called One Nut because he lost one in an accident.
@maniacsicko - they call me E.T., the extra testicles
@Rob_of_the_Sky - I also check to make sure I still work
You gotta protect the boys !!!!
Balls or boobs, always good to get them checked! But a pic of your testicles might have made a better impact! lol
@roscoes_farm - hell yes except when I played football I never wore a cup
@beauty_is_truths_smile - yes, it's always good to stay on top of things. Hmmm do I give away a secret in this post?
@godfatherofgreenbay - damn... I always wore one, even tho the damn things are uncomfortable.... yoweeeeee
Comments are closed.