November 2, 2011

• Motivation

  Only in America do we complain about childhood obesity and give children who knock on our doors free candy.

  If you have a significant other and you get jealous when they speak to a member of the opposite sex then you shouldn’t be dating.

  November 1^st is the day that the most photos are uploaded to the internet of the year.  Who wants to see photos of my penis?

  I find it ironic that a Christian dating website advertises during syndicated episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on my local FOX channel.

  It’s so gratifying trick-or-treating in Wisconsin.  You spend all that time picking out a costume and working out only to have it so cold that you have to wear a coat over the costume.

  A study revealed that Viagra may help treat depression in women.  They cited that Viagra has made plenty of men happy so they figured women should give it a shot.

  Kim Kardashian filed for divorce.  During this troubled time the Kardashian family asks that you give them as much attention as humanly possible.  Kim earned $18million for her wedding and 72 day marriage AND GAYS ARE DESTROYING THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE!

  A poll revealed that candy corn is the least favorite of all Halloween candy handed out to trick-or-treaters.  The second least favorite was a tie between whatever R Kelly and Roman Polanski hand out.

  A man bombed a Taco Bell this week because he said they didn’t put enough meat in his chalupa.  A spokesperson from Taco Bell said, “Meat?  We put meat in our food?”

  Why hasn’t Wikileaks released that sensitive information about what Willis was talking about?

  Oil companies reported record profits.  In related news, the sun rose in the east and set in the west.

  A study found that 90% of men kissed their wives when they left the house.  The other 10% kissed their house goodbye when they left their wives.

  Medical researchers found that people who have trouble sleeping at night run a greater risk of suffering from heart attacks.  Well that should help to get them to sleep faster.

  The Walgreens in my town was robbed.  The suspect took 60 bottles of Viagra.  Police say they are looking for one hardened criminal.  That’s two Viagra jokes.  How awesome is that?

  When females have an orgasm they burn 27 calories.  When they fake orgasms they burn 160 calories.  I’m proud to say I’ve been helping women lose weight.

  Tim Tebow calls 4^th downs “jews” because they are the most difficult to convert.  I also think Tebow found a loophole in the Bible.  The Bible says homosexuality is a sin but Tebow continues to suck balls.

  Have you ever had the feeling that Penn State is playing “Weekend at Bernie’s” with Joe Paterno?

  I’ve always wondered why guys get married and make one woman miserable when they could stay single and make thousands miserable.

  Why is it illegal to use a cellphone while driving but cops can use laptops?

  The worst thing about beer is running out.

  I’m a superhero.  My special power is converting certain foods into tear gas.

  I want to invent something some day that is so popular that if I changed it in the slightest way people all over the internet would flip.

  The best part about learning a new grammatical rule is being able to browbeat those who don’t follow the rule.

  I should apologize for my criticism of Herman Cain.  I know that pizza men are smart and can benefit society because after all Chuck E. Cheese holds a Nobel Pizza Prize.

  Remember when the Republicans running for office in 2010 said they were going to pass bills to make jobs?  How many jobs have been introduced through a Republican jobs bill?  I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Nero.

  I finally figured out why my girlfriend doesn’t want to leave the lights on when we have sex.  I thought it was because she had body issues.  It’s actually to hide her looks of disinterest in me.

  When people say that they should have a reality series based on their life, I assume they have a really, really shitty life.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  The worst Halloween costume is a mummy.  It took me two hours to get this girl I met unraveled out of her mummy costume.  By that time the Viagra wore off.  THIRD TIME IS A CHARM!

  I’m starting a new movement for the lady protesters.  It’s called Occupy Godfather’s Bedroom.

  No trick-or-treaters came to my house because of Baptists protesting Halloween.  They didn’t accomplish anything other than helping me arrange a party at my house tomorrow.  Please come to my house for a diabetes party.

  Guys, the best way to tell how long your relationship will last is to watch your significant other eat a popsicle.

  Nipples are nature’s thermometer.

  Does “No Shave November” include my pubes?

  Do pro-lifers ever feel guilt when they eat eggs?

  I call my exgirlfriend “Octomom” because at one point she’s had 80 fingers inside her.

  If you mix packets of Taco Bell hot sauce with your ramen it’s tastes like poverty.

  I don’t like to remain friends with exgirlfriends.  It’s like if I quit a job I wouldn’t stick around to watch someone else do my job.

  You can tell I write too much literotica when I misspell “comes” and the first spelling suggestion spellcheck gives me is “cums”.
  

  October is great because it turns Xanga into a softcore porn site with the Save the Boobs campaign and Halloween party photos.
  

  Xanga is a social network, not a social life.  Make friends here and be nice to them just like you would to people in real life.  You wouldn’t treat your real friends like how you treat people here, you piece of shit.  Also, get outside and get some air.
  

  My grandma is a cynical, racist, foul-mouthed woman who hasn’t been laid in 30 years so I thinking she’d be perfect for Xanga.
  

  Thanks to Xanga, some of my friends are people I hope I never meet and pray I never will.  In other news I love my Xanga friends and some of you, well, I love more than friends.  I should just come out and name names but I’m too shy to say I like certain girls and ask them to convert to Mormonism so we can all get married.  Or we could just stay whatever religion you want because the Bible really never expressly forbade plural marriage.

  • 9:13 PM
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