November 3, 2011

  • Man Law

    The other day on @bonmots site she was talking about how men didn't rush at the chance to watch Fried Green Tomatoes.  I replied that I enjoyed that movie.  Later on I realized I had broken a man law in that I admitted to liking a chick flick.  Then I got to thinking of other man laws.  Here are some I've found along the course of my life sentence being a man.

    1.  Under no circumstance may two men share an umbrella
    2.  It is OK for a man to cry for the following:

    -During a movie about dogs or cats that isn't animated
    -If the man hears a story about a dog saving his master
    -When a woman on the TV starts unbuttoning her blouse
    -If you get in a car accident with your boss's car
    -One hour, twelve minutes, and thirty-seven seconds into "The Crying Game"
    -If your lady friend uses her teeth

    3.  If a man brings a camera to a bachelor party, he may be legally killed by the other party goers.
    4.  Unless a friend murdered your family, you must bail him out of jail within 12 hours after he calls.
    5.  If you know a guy for more than 12 hours, his sister is off limits.
    6.  It is wrong to complain about the beer in your friend's refrigerator.  It is OK to complain if the beer isn't a suitable temperature.
    7.  No man is required to buy a birthday present for another man.
    8.  The strongest bladder determines pit stops on road trips, not the weakest.
    9.  If a man stumbles upon other men watching a sporting event, it is OK to ask what the score is but not what teams are playing.
    10.  If you have given a woman an orgasm then it is alright if you fart in front of her.
    11.  It is acceptable to drink fruity alcoholic drinks during the following situations:

    -You are on a tropical beach
    -You are drinking with models
    -The drink is free

    12.  Only in situations of extreme physical danger are you allowed to kick another guy in the marbles
    13.  The only time it's OK to fight naked is if you are in prison and you are protecting your ass.
    14.  Never wear Speedos...EVER!
    15.  If another man's fly is down, that's his problem.  Make sure your zipper is up and go about your business.
    16.  Women who say they enjoy sports are spies and should be treated as such. 
    17.  If you are in the company of a hot woman who is suggestively dressed, you must remain sober in case you have to defend her honor.
    18.  Never hesitate when reaching for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but never both because that is plain greedy.
    19.  If you compliment a man on his six pack it can only be about his beer.
    20.  Never join your woman in gossiping about your friends unless she is withholding sex from you.
    21.  Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal ground i.e. both pissing, both crapping, both washing hands.  All other conversation must be limited to a nod unless on equal ground.
    22.  Never let a phone conversation with a woman last longer than the amount of time it takes you to have sex with her.
    23.  If you meet a girl for the first time and have sex that same night and feel guilty in the morning, that should not keep you from having sex with her before she leaves.
    24.  It's acceptable for a girl to drive your car but it's not acceptable for you to drive her car.
    25.  NEVER BUY A PINK CAR!
    26.  If you ask your girl "What do you want for Christmas" and she replies "If you loved me then you'd know what I want" it is permissible to buy her an XBox.
    27.  There is no reason a man should watch men's figure skating or men's gymnastics.
    28.  It is not OK to admit that you enjoy a chick flick even if the movie involves cannibalism.
    29.  If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her its a 6 day waiting period.
    30.  When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
    31.  If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.  (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his frinds home)
    32.  Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
    33.  When a man is borrowing a buddy's tool or other equipment, if the borrowee puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following:

    -If the item costs under $50 then you replace it
    -If the item costs over $50 then you give your friend a case of beer because who wants to spend more than $50 on something that isn't yours.

    34.  Every man should watch sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
    35.  Don't start a beer if you can't finish it.
    36.  Men should know how to drive a stick shift.
    37.  When riding with a fellow man...don't fuck with his radio unless granted permission.
    38.  If a man is dumped by his girl, his buddies need to make sure he gets laid by an equally hot or hotter girl with in the week.
    39.  No man may give himself a nickname (such as THE KING). It must be earned, and given to him by others.
    40.  Men do not go shopping. We go buying.

    Do you have any man laws to add?

Comments (35)

  • HA HA HA on The Crying Game!

    BA HA HA this is true: If you have given a woman an orgasm then it is alright if you fart in front of her

    This is the funniest thing I've ever seen you blog.  You have to do a lot more of these!

    and yeah, don't fuck with my radio and for God's sakes, EVERYBODY should know how to drive a stick shift.

    PS.  I'ma borrow that bottom picture for some future time when I will use it in my own blog.

  • Ha! these are great! I only know the ones men have told me about.
    I love #'s 10, 13, 22, 40!

    How 'bout...If you absolutely have to use a urinal next to another dude, do not look over for a look see. ???

    Or...how about...A man's gotta' scratch what a man's gotta' scratch.

    Or...Remote controls and thermostats are ONLY for men to mess with.

    Or...If you jiggle it more than twice you're playing with it.

    HA!
    HUGS!

  • So I'm a spy? Haha, cool.

  • you really ought to be writing for them movin' picture things. or at least a sitcom. you have punchlines for half a season wrapped up right here. 

  • man, its about time somebody laid down the law !!!!!  

  • 26 is quite epic :)

  • so, which chick flick involves cannibalism?  

  • LOL!! My husband would be in agreement on all of these (except for the one regarding the XboX and the one about farting - he hates gaming and has no issues whatsoever with releasing his inhuman trouser boom-booms in my presence, even if I am eating).

    On # 26: An XboX is always going to be the right gift. Unless she already has one. In that case, supplying her with new games on their launch days is considered the second greatest expression of love and affection, just one short step behind gaming with her and appreciating her skills. Mention of said skills does not have to be made in the presence of your friends. Keeping your commentary regarding her awesome sniping/run and gun skills between the two of you is fine, as long as you commend her on them at least once per week. You will be considered the greatest boyfriend/husband/sex toy ever.

    # 41: If you follow rule #26, then it will always be considered reasonable to expect your girlfriend or wife to make sure she always has your favorite pizza, beer and games on hand. It is also reasonable to expect her to compliment on your skills as a sniper/marksman and sex toy in the presence of your friends.

    #42: Enjoying horror films and movies depicting voracious gore with your woman is considered an act of love. It is respected and appreciated not only by her, but by your friends. In return she will agree to keep quiet regarding any chick flicks you may have recently enjoyed with her while in the presence of your bros. As with all others, this amendment to the rules should be unspoken yet mutually agreed on.

    I'm not 100% on those, however, as I am unclear how my possession of a set of lady bits affects my ability and/or right to create/edit rules for men.

    @maniacsicko - Porn. Because of the...placement of faces. Also, Cannibal Holocaust. Ever see the infamous 'chick on a stick' scene? I like, cried, man! It changed me.

  • freaking hilarious. oh, and i learned a lot.

  • It is okay to lounge around on your floor, sofa or chair in positions such as:

    - lying down on your back with your feet flat on the surface of the floor/bed/couch and knees up in the air

    - on your side with your head up being supported by your hand/fist and elbow and your butt arched out as if your in a half way fetal position 

    - on your stomach with your head up being supported by your hands/fist and elbows and again while your legs are at a 90 degree angle with your feet up in the air.  

    These positions are perfectly fine for lounging around your crib if you deem them comfortable...even if they do look feminine. 

    NEVER station yourself like this in the presence of another man or your friends!  Only slouching while sitting is acceptable.

  • These are awesome!

    I have two..

    Two dudes cannot lay in the same bed unless there is a female in between them.  The correct order should be boy girl boy.  Not boy boy girl or girl boy boy.

    Dudes should always always hug another dude with a hardy pat on the back, never a rub.

  • lol yep, seems about right... ;)

  • This is a good list. Pretty enjoyable, too.

    And hmm,

    please add:

    Matt should remember to talk to Ritz at least once a month. Can you do that? Like starting nao?

  • Cool stuff.

  • hahaha you ARE fucking hilarious

    i will save this. thank you

    we go buying

    gold

  • and no wonder i've had more traffic this morning than the usual 5 footprints

  • Pears have a similar list of rules, but ours also involve a lot of references to juicers. 

  • I heard this on Southpark last night:
    "Women should give men blowjobs on football Sunday."

    Man law only applies to women if they approve the man law with a majority vote, though, so don't hold your breath.

  • brilliant list!

    #1 is especially true on a golf course - i mean who came up with that lingo in that game - drivers, putters, wedges, fairways, bunkers, tees, holes in one, birdies, bogeys, carts...  no wonder tiger lost his shit...  he was inundated with faerie talk all the time...  he snapped and was boinking anything that had any femininity to it...

    #17 - needs some clarification - is she related to you?  is anyone else in the room?  what is her sexual orientation?  did you pay her to be there?

    so there's some dress stuff code kinda - like the height pants start and stop at - how tight they can be - like camel toe on a woman can just be a reality...  on a man, not so much; t-shirts need to reach at least your waist - showing belly button is creepy; how many buttons need to be buttoned on a dress shirt...  you can wear shoulder pads only if you are really playing tackle football, or hockey... 

    men always use combs, not brushes, and if you use a hair dryer, you better have been careless and dripped after you peed... 

    if a woman asks you to watch her purse - she'll be right back - you have to sit down immediately - no matter where you are - you can't walk and carry a shoulder bag... 

    oh and as a dad - a guys daughter is never, you can never ever make any comments about a guys daughter...  ever.

    mr. godfather - you knocked this one out of the park!!!

  • very good to know!
    do they hand out this list in schools?

  • I don't understand these rules. I need a woman to explain them to me.

  • So much yes to number 26. My ex used to do that to me. She also got incredibly pissed when I said I wanted to put a PS3 on our hypothetical wedding registry. Hell, we'd use it more than the crock pot she wanted!

  • We must share a brain, I was thinking about blogging on Man Laws earlier. Only mine were internet related. Such as, a man may only use exclamation marks when his sports team just won, an attractive girl has just undressed, or he's just watched something getting blown up. I don't really tend to stick to those, but I notice most other dudes do! 

  • MAN LAWS!!!!!!!!!

  • 1. A grunt is a perfectly acceptable reply.  Especially during playoffs.
    2. If I had to open a can to make it, then it's considered cooking.
    3. Greeting a good friend by calling him "a sorry sack of shit" is a sign of affection.

  • In reference to 17; if it becomes increasingly clear during the course of the night that the mans sobriety and chivalry is not going to end with the man getting at least a blow job out of the deal, it is perfectly acceptable to get one's drink on and throw her to the wolves ;)

    I would like to add that it is never acceptable for a man to send a woman a picture of his penis, unless the man is 100% sure that it is the largest penis she has and will ever see and he is 100% sure that said picture will result in him getting laid.  Otherwise, it is a pathetic and desperate move sure to result in the woman showing the man's penis to all her friends and having a good laugh over it.

  • Regarding #1...I've know quite a few guys who refused to use any umbrella at all, so I presumed it was considered unmanly to even own one...unless perhaps it was a really serious downpour. Acceptable means of coverage include your own shirt, your own jacket, a newspaper, a backpack, a hat, a book.

    Also, only wear a coat if it's below freezing or your woman has nagged you senseless to wear one. Otherwise, such garments are unnecessary.

    Of course, I'm only a girl, so what do I know?

  • @DivaJyoti - I learned how to drive stick from a guy who was trying to sell me a truck back when I was 16.  It was the only time I've ever driven stick.
    I saw The Crying Game a few weekends ago on one of my network stations.  It was so heavily edited that I had to check it out through my library.

    @AdamsWomanFell - hahaha...those are great, can't believe I forgot about the remote or the thermostat but then because I have no one to fight with about those I just forget.  The scratching one is funny too because I remember an entry somewhere on Xanga where a woman complained about men who blatantly scratch or adjust themselves.  I told her that I'm going to adjust whenever I sit down because it's too painful to sit on the old beanbag.  I think it's three times or at least that's what I believe.

    @carolinavenger - *looking suspiciously at you*

    @complicatedlight - You know they say that Jews control the media but then why am I not in the media?  Every time I actually had people express interest in material I had written for TV the show was up and canceled.  Did you know Minneapolis is a hotbed for TV writers?

    @roscoes_farm - well I try, I just need to get a lawyer to see if these are binding

    @bmojsilo - It's how I'm planning on getting an XBox 360.  Now I just need a girlfriend who will say that.

    @maniacsicko - Fried Green Tomatoes...the name is misleading but there is cannibalism in that movie.

    @ZombieMom_Speaks - Well that's awesome that your husband agrees.  I am glad I have at least one man on my side.
    #26...I was considered a good boyfriend once upon a time because I bought a sex toy because I went to school 4 hours away from her.
    I never had a girlfriend say what a great lover I was in front of my friends but she said that in front of her friends which I think means more.

    @promisesunshine - I bet you learned why I am single

    @bluepillorredpill - you know, I've never considered how I sat around my friends.  Wait, I take that back.  In college we always made fun of a guy because of how he sat.  He always had his legs spread way way out so it was like his legs were forming a 180 angle thus putting his goods on full display.  Men don't sit like that.  Women should sit like that.

    @AmanduhPie - I think the closest I come to hugging other guys is shaking their hand with my right hand and putting my left hand on their shoulder.
    hmm I've never had the opportunity to sleep in a bed with two other people...sigh...Penthouse Letters has led me to believe this happens all the time. 

    @Peridot21 - I was going to do one about birthdays but I can't even remember my own so I can't make a law about it.  I was going to say something about if you expect a man to remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, important dates, you should be required to remember the scores and records of the man's favorite sports team and how they won a title and how the players are.  BUT I can't remember my birthday but the Packers are awesome.

    @Rainboxx - I need to remember how to get onto the chat thingie.

    @RestlessButterfly - thanks

    @spinner_mom - Oh man I can't believe I forgot that one about the last beer.  I probably forgot it because I always am stocked.  When I lived in MN, I had two mini-fridges, one for each bedroom in my apartment, that were fully stocked with beer so we never worried about running out when we drank at my place which ended up being a major destination for all my married friends.  It was a man's clubhouse.  I had guitars and posters on the wall and what they couldn't have at their homes. 

    @bonmots - thank you so much, glad you enjoyed.  Well you know I didn't know if I should link to your site but I thought I'd give it a shot.

    @TheMushyPear - steroid abusers?

    @girlForgetful - you know, that would be too much for me to handle if it was during the game.  Maybe after a victory as a way to celebrate or after a loss to cheer me up but not during a game because I'd be afraid of jumping around and getting teeth.

    @xplorrn - The only golf I play is mini-golf and that's because I'm up here in the mini-golf capitol of the world but in both regular and mini-golf the object is to get into a hole so...yeah.  Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden.
    Ah, yes, she is a date or someone from whom you can expect sexual relations.
    Those are some good ones.  I forgot about the purse because it's been so long since I've had to guard one but now that I think of it I always sat down.
    Thank you so much, glad you liked.

    @Zissu25 - maybe I should start a finishing school to teach men how to be men.

    @GodlessLiberal - hmm a PS3 or a crockpot...when I was ministering I think I actually used my crockpot more than my PS2.  I absolutely hate when I hear a woman say things like that or "it doesn't matter".  IT ALWAYS MATTERS!

    @distractedbyzombies - OOPS!  I just broke your rule!  I actually use exclamation marks frequently but that might be because of my English background.

    @BenelliMan - YEAH!  NOW I WANT TO GO FIRE MY 12 GAUGE!

  • @godfatherofgreenbay - on the contrary, it's unfathomable that you're single.

  • @adventofreason - #1...ugh #2...I did cooking today, I dumped a can of re-fried beans in a pot and then a can of red beans and a can of black beans and some mozzarella cheese and made bean burritos.  Yep, I'm alone for a reason.  #3...oh that is so true, I like to greet friends by calling them a "dirty son of a bitch".  Religious teacher conferences are so much fun when I'm there.

    @cja1976 - hahaha...I'll have to keep that addendum in mind.
    That's good to know about penis pics and why I never send any of mine out although the exhibitionist in me sometimes hides links in my posts of my penis pics.  No links are in this post.

    @leaflesstree - I use an umbrella when I'm dressed up but not if I'm in just regular clothing like a hoodie and jeans.  Also one of the most ridiculous things to do when it's raining and you don't have an umbrella is to run in the rain.  You're going to get wet whether you walk or run and if you run you're risking breaking an ankle.  I don't know first hand but when I was a kid I had a friend whose mom would run when it was raining and she slipped and broke her ankle and now she permanently walks with a limp.
    I will only wear a heavy coat when it's below zero.  Usually a hoodie or two is good enough for me but then I'm fat so I have plenty of insulation.

  • Awesome stuff.

    I didn't quite get #24. I think I'm missing something...some subtext or whatever.

  • omg it would be so sweet if my bf got me an xbox! though, there's so much other technology i already also need. a sweet new monitor would be just as exciting. i'm usually a shopping list though if someone asks what i want. if i give everyone a list of like 20 things, i'm still surprised by whatever of those things i get! 

    also, my bf REALLY takes #10 to heart...

  • @In_Reason_I_Trust - well I'm assuming that like most of the women I've been associated with except the doctor they drive little dinky cars.  The doctor drove a BMW and she never let me touch the steering wheel.  She wouldn't even let me wash it.  The last car I sort of associated with had a really tiny Ford that I think I could bench press.

  • @Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato - that's awesome, I don't know many girls that would want a video game system.  Years ago I got a PS2 and I loved playing college football and this girl said it was a waste of time.  Little did she know that I took one of the offensive systems in that game and incorporated it into a team I coach in real life.

    #10 is difficult for me, well the farting part, I find it hard to bring myself to go to the bathroom when I know a woman I adore is around.  I'm weird like that.

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment