November 9, 2011

• Motivation

  Every time I watch “How I Met Your Mother” I can’t help but get the feeling that people who have devoted their time in watching this show over the years will be let down by the ending.

  If Michael Jackson had anything to say about Conrad Murray being found guilty I bet it would be, “Naw, that’s ignorant because I’m the addict that took too much.”

  If you ever see me smiling at work you can assume I’m making animal shapes with my genitals under my desk.

  Golfer, Nick Faldo, said that the era of Tiger Woods domination is over.  I guess that means Tiger is back to dating only one woman at a time.

  Ladies, here’s the best pick-up line to use on fat guys if you like fat guys: “Hey, want to go to a buffet?”  That would so work on me…just dropping that out there for the dozens of you who have crushes on me.

  Sleep paralysis is more common in students.  Parents were quoted as saying, “Duh!  Have you ever tried to wake up my kids in the morning?”

  Whenever someone asks me if I am ticklish I say, “I have explosive diarrhea.”  I know it’s wrong to lie but at least I don’t squeal like a girl when I get tickled.

  A recent study found that people who feel lonely tend to toss and turn more when they sleep which probably explains why they are alone in the first place.

  November is Tongue Awareness Month.  It’s supposed to mean you are aware that your tongue is in your mouth and uncomfortable but in actuality it means that I have a tongue and it’s looking for work.  I’m looking for a lady who can provide benefits.

  My girlfriend hasn’t spoken to me in a month.  I debated breaking up with her because she doesn’t talk to me but thought against it because girls like that are hard to find.  She told me her favorite sex position was called The Zombie.  She just lies back and lets me eat her.

  Want proof that women have worse taste in picking a partner than men?  Women have dated me and men haven’t.

  I started teaching a class at a local community college.  The goal of the class is to make students more optimistic.  I’m not sure how this class will work because in the first week the class has been half empty.

  The only drinking problem I have is affording it.

  And now here's your weekly dose of motivation...by the way, I'm only including a few to keep them timely.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Last week I wrote: "Have you ever had the feeling that Penn State is playing "Weekend at Bernie's" with Joe Paterno?"  I have a feeling that Joe Paterno wishes that were the case this week.

  Scientists have discovered the gene that causes obesity.  That gene is Gene Milman, founder of Krispy Kreme donuts.

  A recent study found that 2 to 3 minutes is too short for sex unless you are a man.  Selena Gomez sings about loving a person like a love song.  Since most love songs are about three minutes long I don’t know why women complain.

  Australian scientists have determined that cellphones cause more cancer than cigarettes.  They weren’t able to explain why people are smoking cellphones though.  It’s probably because cellphones are cheaper than a pack of cigarettes.

  New Kids on the Block will be touring again this summer.  The tour will be sponsored by Rogaine and Viagra.

  Hell is being in the most comfortable bed on earth and not being able to sleep.

  They say a woman’s work is never done and that’s because a man will always be either horny or hungry.

  The people at Apple are working on a device that turns your thoughts into speech.  That’s totally unnecessary because we already have it and it’s called alcohol.

  The funniest thing about this Herman Cain sexual harassment scandal is hearing the phrase “pizza tycoon” over and over again.  If people are so enamored with Cain being president and not being a politician, I wonder if they would get heart surgery from an auto mechanic.  I also wonder if they would hire a CEO who has no business expertise.  Herman Cain’s pick-up line of the week: “I love the taste of a hot pie.”

  I’ve come to the conclusion that bras must be uncomfortable so you should probably ditch it about right now.

  I don’t know why people cry on another person’s shoulders.  Boobs are so much softer.

  The local orphanage called and asked for a donation so I sent them my kids.
  

  Do you ever have that feeling that you have a lot of work to do but you don’t know where to start?  That’s why I’m on Xanga.
  

  There’s always that one person on Xanga whose friend request you regret accepting but you just can’t delete them from your friends list.  That person is most likely me.
  

  I can’t believe some of you think I have a girlfriend or wife.  If I did I wouldn’t be on Xanga this much.  I’d be out having threesomes and going to wine tastings.
  

  How many followers on Xanga do I need before I can classify myself as a cult?  In any case, you better stab yourselves or I’ll look like a bad cult leader.

  • 12:56 PM
  • 31 Comments