November 10, 2011

• Story Time

  From time to time I shed light on events in my life like the legend of One Nut and the best wedding ever.  Since i have nothing better to write about I figure I'd share some more of my stories because I was talking with @xplornn the other day about some of his stories and I promised that I'd share some of my stories.

  Back when I was in the 8th grade, I attended what some would call a small school.  I think I would estimate that there were only 90 to 100 students in the whole school.  The thing is it was a Lutheran school and for a school that size it meant that it was large.  I already wrote about some of my experiences at that school in a post that I consider to be epic, Checkerman.  Back to 8th grade, I was a pretty smart kid, not to brag, but I didn't always use my smarts to the best potential.  I think you can understand that better by taking a look at my Xanga over the course of a week.  Anyway, this story is about me, a kid we'll call Nerd, and a girl we'll call Girl.  Now, don't go calling me sexist and whatnot for labeling Girl "Girl".  She was the only girl in my class.  Let's go down my class there was Ninja, Brick, the Bucktoothed Bandit, the Hulk, the African Dream, Celebrity Chris, Nerd, Girl, and Me.  Our teacher was called the Excited Southerner because even though he was originally from Nebraska he had the worst Southern accent and it became a joke during classes. Well he was teaching the 7th grade math right after recess and while the 8th grade was doing other homework and enjoying fresh chocolate milk on our daily milk break.  I was sitting in the last desk in the row, Girl sat across from me and Nerd sat in front of me.  Nerd had a crush on Girl and it was quite obvious.  I think he came on stronger than I do here on Xanga.  Sorry to those girls who I've come on to way too strong. 

  As I was saying, we were enjoying our fresh chocolate milk and Nerd was sitting in his desk and reading.  Nerd had this weird habit of putting a book on the floor while sitting in his desk and bending over to read the book.  This was particularly hilarious when Nerd and I attended the same private high school and you'd walk into the bathroom and could figure out Nerd was taking a dump because he was bent over and reading a book on the floor.  Nerd also had impeccable clothing.  He was smaller than his younger brother who was in 4th grade.  So Nerd got hand me ups.  Well these particular hand me ups didn't really fit and when Nerd bent over to read his book on the floor, his butt crack was showing.  I got a bright idea and I don't know how people in that classroom didn't see the dirty lightbulb light up over my head.

  That day Nerd was hitting on Girl pretty hard.  She played piano for opening devotion and after devotion Nerd was, "Oh Girl that was the best piano playing ever.  You should really consider playing recitals because you are the best piano player I've ever heard."  Then Girl answered a question in catechism class. "Oh Girl, you are so smart.  You should really consider answering more questions because you are the smartest catechism player ever."  Then came reading class where Girl read aloud for the class.  "Oh Girl, you are the best reader ever.  You should really consider reading more because you sound so smart and you have a perfect figure."  Yes, he said that last bit.  Then at recess he kept trying to get near her but Girl sought shelter with some of us who were playing football.  Girl was all time quarterback.  She came from a pretty athletic family so we accepted her arm.  She didn't throw like a girl.  "Oh Girl you are the best quarterback ever.  You should replace that Brett Favre guy because he'll never amount to anything." (That was Favre's second season with the Packers.)

  Recess was over and we got our milk and were chilling like the cool 8th graders we were.  Then Nerd started up.  "Hey Girl, hey Girl, hey Girl, I have to show this design of a house I made last night.  It's so cool because I even drew out where I want to put the garage and indoor swimming pool."  I laugh as Girl sighs with disgust.  2 minutes later.  "Hey Girl, hey Girl, I drew this scene of a battle from World War II.  I know it's only stick figures but should I enter it in an art contest?"  3 minutes later.  "Hey Girl, hey Girl, hey Girl, my dad is a pastor so he knows ancient Greek and he's totally going to teach me.  I should teach you once he teaches me."  Finally Nerd settled down and started doing the reading as I mentioned earlier.  He's bent over with his butt crack exposed.  I turned to Girl and say, "Hey Girl, hey Girl, hey Girl...look at me!"  I totally said that in Nerd's high-pitched squeaky voice.  Then she looked and gagged as she saw Nerd's buttcrack but she started laughing as I took my milk carton and acted like I was about to dump it down his exposed buttcrack.  Girl said, "Godfather, if you do that I will suck your dick."  I went into shock.  I just froze.  I couldn't move.  Girl was looking and smiling and nodding.  I couldn't move.  Finally, I hear, "Godfather, why are you holding your milk out and why do you look like you've seen a ghost?"  I shook my head and came to and said, "Shut up, Nerd."  I missed out.

  Another story I was going to tell was from the same year.  The Excited Southerner set up a field trip to go see a play adaptation of "Journey to the Center of the Earth" because we had read the book in reading class.  It was an awesome trip.  I loved going to Madison.  I think I went there every other week.  It was the happening place to go considering my hometown had the population of 1200.  This play was at some playhouse near the University of Wisconsin campus and for the life of me I can't remember the name of the playhouse.  We rode down on a bus and the only chaperons were the Excited Southerner, the bus driver who was nicknamed Crazy Ray way back then because he once flipped a bus because he overcorrected going off the road because he fell asleep and when the ambulances came to check everyone out Crazy Ray was laughing and he didn't stop laughing for at least two hours according to a couple of kids from my class who were in the hospital with Crazy Ray, and my dad.

  Crazy Ray dropped us off and said he had to go find a parking place when in reality he was trying to find a dorm so he could by chance peep some naked co-eds.  Crazy Ray should've parked the bus and came in with us.  When we entered the building, the first person to speak was the Bucktoothed Bandit and all he uttered was, "Holy shit!"  See when the Excited Southerner planned this field trip he didn't know that this playhouse also had an art exhibit and he didn't know that the art exhibit at the time featured the work of a UW student and this art was just a bunch of naked people enjoying others' genitals.  The photos depicted an orgy and anything you could imagine these people were doing.  I think there was photographic evidence that the blumpkin exists.  The Excited Southerner says, "Oh my gosh.  LOOK AT THE FLOOR!  LOOK AT THE FLOOR!  LOOK AT THE FLOOR!"  I didn't.  My dad hit me upside the head, "Godfather, look at the floor like Mr. Excited Southerner said."  My girlfriend giggled.  The Excited Southerner went to one of the people at the playhouse and screamed, "I HAVE MY GRADE SCHOOL CLASS HERE AND THERE ARE PENISES AND VAGINAS ON FULL DISPLAY!"  They apologized and explained how that was the art exhibit and they had no control over what was displayed.

  We watched the play but my dad and the Excited Southerner went out front and told us to stay.  The funny thing about that time was all the guys and girls paired up.  We were impressionable youths and we saw engorged genitals in action.  We didn't know any better.  The only sex ed. we had at that point was knowing what the parts were called and "You shall not commit adultery".  One of the people from the playhouse escorted us backstage so we could leave without seeing the display of carnal lust once again.  It still had an effect on us because on the bus all the boys who paired up with girls sat with each other.  The chaperons sat in the front and discussed stupid things like politics while some of us in back recreated what we saw in the art exhibit.  I think that may have been the best field trip ever. 

  The next two stories happened recently.  I was shopping at Walmart and I had two items, fish hooks and swivel snaps.  I get to the front and there are two lanes open and there must've been 50 people in each lane.  I get impatient and then I walk over to the jewelery department and this lady said, "I can ring you up."  I sat the fish hooks and swivel snaps down and paid for it.  I grabbed my bag and walked by all those people in line and held up my bag and nodded.  They all look at me like I'm some sort of Walmart V.I.P.  I swear I heard some people say, "How the hell did he do that?"  I walked out of Walmart like a boss.

  A couple of months ago I was working as a smuggler and was helping the rebels in Egypt.  I was doing a lot of work and President Mubarak didn't appreciate me helping the rebel alliance so he put a bounty out on my head.  Well I got caught along with this really hot chick who was a princess trying to escape from a city.  We figured this might be the last time we'd see each other and she leaned over to me and said, "I love you."  I replied, "I know."  Then that damn bounty hunter froze me in carbonite.
  
  A couple of weeks ago I went on a drive through the country and driving down one country road I chased this four legged creature down the road.  I hope to find him next weekend and shoot him so I can eat his heart.
  
  This was the snowstorm today.
  
  This is from my backporch and look out at the library.
  
  Just two weeks ago I picked a second crop of raspberries.
  
  My apple tree...under snow!
  
  That is the JFK memorial park.  He was the only president to ever visit my small town so they put in a bench last summer commemorating the event.

  • 5:06 PM
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