November 12, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 11/11/11

  Well I’m alive and so are all of you.  There was no Rapture or Mayan calendar falling out of the sky and the nation-wide emergency broadcast didn’t happen today because an asteroid hit the earth.  I was up at 5 to drive to the airport.  I was thinking I was supposed to go to Chicago but once we got on the interstate I was told I only had to go as far as Madison and my aunt would hop on a shuttle for the rest of the way.  Sad face.  I wanted to go to Chicago and explore. Oh well, I was down on the UW campus and got a copy of The Onion.  It seems so right that I get a copy of The Onion in the place where it originated.  I drove home and chilled and caught up on sleep.  I also felt sentimental as I put my fishing poles away.  Today also sucked because I put $45 worth of gas in my vehicle.  I also broke an ice scraper scraping off my windshield.  Anyway enough of my shit.  Time for a round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Former pornstar and now mainstream actress, Sasha Grey, has caused an uproar over appearing in a first grade classroom and reading to the students to promote a charity named Reading Across America.  The school that invited her to read only knew about her appearances in Entourage and not her porn career.  After people started complaining the school denied that she read to students even though this photo went out across the internet.  I’m pretty sure the children’s innocence was preserved and they were fine even though a person who had sex read to them.  It could’ve been worse.  Kim Kardashian could’ve read to them and she’s a whore and can’t read.  I bet you’d hear plenty of kids yelling, “SOUND IT OUT YOU STUPID BITCH!”  Sasha didn’t get in front of the class and demonstrate what she once did for a living.  Maybe kids should be taught the nuances of ass to mouth and double penetration if they ever hope to get into a prestigious college some day.  I guess I shouldn’t judge because I don’t have kids and once upon a time I had sex so I guess I’m just as guilty as Sasha.  Parents need to learn that she was just reading to kids and not teaching them how to use a double-sided dildo.  Sasha released a statement saying she was going to tackle childhood illiteracy the same way she tackled cocks in Butt Sex Bonanza: “I committed to this program with the understanding that people would have their own opinions about what I have done, who I am and what I represent.  I am an actor. I am an artist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a partner. I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am.  I believe in the future of our children, and I will remain an active supporter and participant in education-focused initiatives.”  You know Sasha Grey once won an Adult Movie Award for Best Oral Sex for her movie Throat: A Cautionary Tale.  If someone is going to read aloud to children I guess it should be someone who is known for their oral skills.  It’s been a while but isn’t oral sex just talking about sex?  Sasha does make a good point.  First graders can barely read and she can read.  If she wants to help them then we should shut up unless parents contribute the time and effort she has. 
  
  This is Rihanna’s 8500 sq. ft. 10 bedroom house.  She bought it for $7million but after living there for a short time she has put it on the market for only $2million.  She claims that it is poorly constructed, has many leaks, and is in dire need of repairs.  I guess that will teach celebrities to research their houses before they buy them because they have a high price tag.  So if you have $2million you can buy Rihanna’s fixer-upper.  The only way the house could be worse is if it was located in Detroit. 
  
  A former reality show person…I can’t bring myself to say star…is claiming that she’s four months pregnant and the father is Mel Gibson.  Laura Bellizzi of Secrets of Aspen is pregnant and friends close to her claim Mel is the father however Laura’s lawyer issued a statement saying Mel wasn’t the father.  Friends say she told them he was the father but she wants to keep it a secret because she’s afraid of the media circus it would create.  Well her last name is Bellizzi so I can safely assume she isn’t Jewish so I guess that’s good for all parties involved.
  
  LOST star Matthew Fox is suing the woman who has accused him of punching her in the vagina.  A while back a female bus driver on a private party bus said Matthew tried to board the bus but she refused to let him on and a drunken Matthew allegedly punched her square in the vagina.  He’s suing because he claims that her telling everyone that he’s a dirty vagina puncher has caused him to receive ridicule and lose work and not be cast in any movies or TV.  I’m all about punching vaginas but not out of drunken anger, out of love and with my dude piston.  You have to listen to vaginas and hear what they want and if you have a small penis you have to do a lot of listening…trust me.
  
  Star of the TV show, The King of Queens, Lou Ferrigno turned 60 today.  I also think he was in something called The Incredible Hulk.  I included this for the ladies.  How am I supposed to compete with that?
  
  This past weekend Lindsay Lohan tried to get into a party but apparently saying, “I’m Lindsay Lohan” doesn’t exactly make the doorman let you in these days.  I doubt Lindsay could get a seat at IHOP these days.  Lindsay showed up at a party thrown by Leonardo DiCaprio after the premier of J. Edgar.  Party security wouldn’t let Lindsay enter and she started arguing with security and tell them that she had to go see Leo.  They eventually let her in but when she went in everyone avoided her and Leo kept security between the two of them at all times so she couldn’t get to him.  I found out that the party had free booze and of course Lindsay would be there.  Here’s a note to all celebrities.  If you don’t want Lindsay at your parties, have a cash bar.  She’s allergic to them.  After going to the party Lindsay went home and prepared herself to serve her thirty day sentence.  She checked into the jail at 8:48PM on the 6th and was released at 1:30AM on the 7th.  She served a thirty day sentence in 4 hours and 42 minutes.  I’ve had sex that lasted longer than that.  I hope she learned her lesson.  If she messes with the legal system, she’s going to miss the end of a football game.  Seriously, what does this bitch have to do to spend more time than a Redbox rental in jail? Steal the Hope Diamond? Shoot up heroin on Good Morning America? Kill a baby on a paid webcam show? EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE HAVE TO DO? I could illegally park and get more jail time than this.  Also people are claiming that Lindsay’s recent Playboy photoshoot is exactly like one she already did.  I posted the photos when she did them but I’m too lazy to find them.  So once again they have her channeling Marilyn Monroe.  Maybe they should keep having Lindsay channel Marilyn Monroe since it ended so well for her.
  
  Leonardo DiCaprio turned 37 this week.  I don’t really get what this photo is about.  I thought some reader may know.  Are we supposed to swoon for swans?
  
  LeeAnn Rimes was backstage at some country awards show with Miss Piggy.  Is it weird that I find the puppet more attractive?
  
  I think this may be the first time in the world that anyone has ever felt sorry for a cigarette.  That’s not any dig about her weight like some people think I do.  It’s a dig against crazy-ass Kirstie Alley.  She’s seriously crazy but then you’d have to be to be associated with Scientology.
  
  Kim Kardashian has caused an uproar for a movie that hasn’t filmed yet.  As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Kim was cast for a Tyler Perry movie tentatively titled The Marriage Counselor.  Tyler Perry’s films are geared toward a predominately religious crowd.  Imagine their surprise when he hired a porn star to play in one of his movies.  A group has said they will boycott this movie because they claim that Kim Kardashian uses black men for money and sex.  Tyler Perry has said that the movie will go on as planned.  Also this week, Kim was followed by cameras to Minneapolis where she met with Kris Humphries and the pastor who married them.  I can only assume Kim was paid for their special reunion and it will be milked by E!.  One of Kim’s former publicists was on a radio show and he talked about all the moments they staged on the show that everyone thought was “reality”.  He said they were in a mall and Kim’s mom, Kris Jenner, wanted Kim to get some more publicity so they went to a ring store and bought a ring to make it look like Reggie Bush had proposed to her.  This publicist began working for Kim the day her sex tape was released and he said that she wasn’t upset at all and in fact he was led to believe that she leaked it herself.  He also believes that her recent marriage and divorce was staged.  WHAT?  SAY IT ISN’T SO!  The backlash against this brothel of Armenian whores has been pretty strong in the past couple of weeks and it is making this world a better place.  Why I just saw a unicorn flying through a double rainbow and a rose growing through concrete and puppies pulling wagons filled with kittens.  Just imagine how great this place will be once they go away for good.
  
  Whoever did Katy Perry’s hair and make-up must’ve been seeking revenge.  She looks like the way her music sounds.  You know she’s not able to keep her Christian life held down while she sings about having sex with a girl and giving you a blowjob if you come to California…hahaha she said lollipop.  Now Katy is saying she wants to go the Michelle Dugar route and have a lot of kids.  She said: “I think that’s one of the reasons you get married.  Especially to the person you marry. You think, that person is going to be a good partner, a good parent. But, I’m not sure it’s time yet. We’ll see, ya know?  If it doesn’t hurt the first time, I’ll keep popping them out!”  I’m torn about this because on the one hand her boobs will get even bigger and on the other hand her boobs will get even bigger.  I guess I’m not torn after all.  Proceed.
  
  This is Jonathon Lipnicki.  Remember him, the little kid in that Jerry Maguire movie?  He’s now 21 and he took these odd photos of himself wrestling another man.  Here we seem him pulling the other guy’s head into Jonathon’s crotch.  I forget what that hold is called.  I have no word as to why he took these photos.  I can only guess that Lipnicki is trying to get into the Church of Scientology and Tom Cruise suggested that his entrance fee be that set of photos.
  
  Heavy D, of Heavy D and the Boys, passed away this week.  He collapsed and was unconcious for a short time.  The ambulances arrived and Heavy was awake and talking with paramedics but then when he was in transit he died.  He was 44.  He sent out a tweet not long before he died and it simply said, “BE INSPIRED!”  He will be missed.
  
  This week, the man they had pegged to produce the Oscars, Brett Ratner, went on Howard Stern’s show and gave very graphic details about his sex life including that he sends girls to his personal doctor to get checked for diseases before he beds them.  He was also asked about rehearsing for the Oscars and Ratner said, “Rehearsal is for fags.”  Well a few days later Ratner stepped down as producer for what he says are artistic differences.  Artistic differences my ass!  How can he claim he’s artistic when he has Rush Hour on his resume?  Brett Ratner alienated the only demographic that gives a shit about the show he was hired to produce. The only way he could have pissed more Hollywood suits off is if he also closed with a Holocaust joke.  Ratner had convinced Eddie Murphy to host that mess and because Ratner is no longer producing, Murphy stepped down as host.  Thank god because I’m sure the above character would’ve made it on stage.  I was going to start two petitions as to who the next host would be, either Betty White or Courtney Stodden.  However before I could get the ball rolling, the new producers announced that Billy Crystal would once again be hosting the awards show.  Billy tweeted this: “Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up my prescriptions. Looking forward to the show”  I know Billy’s about as enjoyable as watching paint dry but it’s better than Norbit and Rush Hour.
  
  Coco was spotted on the beach in Miami this week.  Al Gore needs to thank her profusely because it looks like Coco is singlehandedly or is that singleassedly stopping the rising ocean levels with that ass.
  
  Bil Keane, creator of The Family Circus, died this week of congestive heart failure at the age of 89.  The Family Circus debuted in 1960 and is currently in 1500 publications worldwide.   Keane once said, We are, in the comics, the last frontier of good, wholesome family humor and entertainment.  On radio and television, magazines and the movies, you can’t tell what you’re going to get. When you look at the comic page, you can usually depend on something acceptable by the entire family.”  He will be missed.  His son Jeffy has been helping him for the past few years and will more than likely take over the full strip.
  
  
  Everyone knows that Avril Lavigne is such a kind, warm, compassionate, and decent human being so it is such a shock that she got into a fight with a stranger.  Wait…it’s not.  She’s awful.  She picked a fight with a person at a club and their words got pretty heated.  Her boyfriend, Brody Kardashian Jenner, intervened and while he was pulling Avril away, he was hit in the head with a bottle.  Hotel security broke up the fight and Avril took off to avoid police and when police came they viewed Brody, who was the only one involved that was still there, as the victim of assault with a deadly weapon.  Well this story confirms what I know about Avril.  She’s a bratty, entitled, instigating little shit. Brody helped her out, so she left him bleeding to deal with cops alone. The only way she could be a better girlfriend would be to kick him in the nuts when he comes home to find her screwing one of his friends.  Is it fair to say that Avril Lavigne is finished? I mean, come on. When was the last time anyone said “I can’t wait until the new Avril album drops.” Now things have gotten so bad that she’s staging fake fights.  The bottom photo is the aftermath of her fight.  Was she attacked by a human or a bear?  Those sort of look like sex scratches.  In Avril’s defense, this is the first time I’ve thought she’s ever looked punk rock.
  
  After this week, Ashton Kutcher has been cast in a new movie called “Dude, Where’s My Brain?”  Ashton was one of the first celebrities to embrace Twitter and he has made a lot of interesting and noteworthy tweets over the years but none have been as noteworthy as one he sent out this week: “How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”  This is sort of interesting since just a year or so ago Kutcher and his wife Demi Moore used Twitter to spearhead a campaign to end child sex slavery.  You can imagine the tweets that came pouring in.  Kutcher went on to say this: “Heard Joe was fired, fully recant previous tweet! Didn’t have full story. #admitwhenYoumakemistakes.” and “As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.” and Honestly just had half facts man my bad … I need 2b more responsible 4 my voice.”  He went on later and said that he was finished with Twitter and he pulled down those tweets.  He was persuaded to come back but he said that he would consult a publicist before he pushed send.  If you were unsure whether or not most celebrities were lemmings who just attached themselves to causes and issues to make themselves seem smarter than monkeys who read words written by other people, well I think you have proof.  Ashton Kutcher made anti-sex slavery PSAs but he can’t be bothered to know that the Penn State showers were a romper room and his ignorance shines forth.  The guy has 8million followers on Twitter and he doesn’t know about the only story in the news and the only mention of Joe Paterno in years.  He thought the firing was a football thing?  Yes Ashton, Joe Paterno was fired because his offense just hasn’t been scoring enough points this season. You’re either incredibly dense, or a really bad liar. I’m going with both.  I also view Ashton as a little bitch.  Last week during tapings of Two and a Half Men he broke down and started crying.  He went and ran to a corner and had to be consoled by castmate Jon Cryer whose first marriage ended in divorce.  The interesting thing is that when Charlie Sheen started having his breakdown Cryer told him to get help and don’t do it again.  Now Cryer is giving that same advice to Kutcher.  If Jon Cryer is the one who was giving Charlie Sheen advice then Ashton better run.  What could he teach Ashton?  How to get women through pity?  The best way to get over it is to go out and get hookers and coke just like Charlie Sheen did.  OK, maybe Jon Cryer did give good advice.
  
  This week, Andy Rooney died.  He died after suffering complications from a minor surgery.  He was 92.  It’s interesting how he died 6 weeks after he retired.  I always enjoyed reading and listening to his material.  Sometimes he was right, sometimes he was wrong and sometimes he said crazy-ass shit.  And throughout all of that he didn’t give a shit what anyone said about him or his work.  Here are a couple of my favorite quotes:  “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” “Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.”  Good night, grouchy prince.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I sincerely mean that so don’t doubt me.

  • 3:17 PM
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