November 14, 2011

• Duggar Facts

  Because I’m late to the Duggar bashing party:

  -Michelle Duggar wears special underwear that doubles as a net to catch babies.
  -Jim Duggar’s sweat contains traces of sperm.
  -Researchers at DuPont are studying the cell structure of Michelle Duggar’s uterus in order to find a replacement for Teflon.
  -Some of the older Duggar children are old enough to have fathered/mothered the younger children.
  -They’re not even Catholic.
  -Michelle Duggar believes her uterus communicates with her and demands babies.
  -You know when your stomach growls because it’s empty?  Michelle Duggar’s uterus growls when it is empty.
  -Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are having a 20th child so they can form their own city with their own form of government.  It will be a theocracy.
  -The Duggars are now an incorporated business so they can write-off their children’s allowance on their taxes.
  -Jim Bob Duggar has never masturbated and has never cleaned himself after sex with a sock, tissue, or towel.  He uses Michelle.
  -The Duggar family can eat an entire cow in a week.
  -At one point there were 35 Duggar children but during the winter of 2004 they lost a few children because on a flight home from a soccer match, their plane crashed in the mountains and they had to eat the weakest children.
  -The Duggars need 20 children to form Voltron.
  -When the Duggars were low on funds they tried to sell some of their kids on the black market however they weren’t offered much money because the market has been flooded with Duggar children.
  -Michelle and Jim Bob did not actually want that many children, but they have a rare genetic mutation that makes their pubic hair serve as natural Velcro, sticking them together in a very stimulating way every time they lie down in bed together.
  -Michelle gave birth to her last 5 children while she was sleeping.  This briefly led her to believe they had been brought to her by the Baby Fairy.
  -Michelle Duggar’s OB/GYN calls his mansion “The House the Michelle Duggar’s Uterus Built”.
  -Surprisingly, the Duggars favorite musical album is Nirvana’s “In Utero”.
  -When Michelle Duggar gives birth, there is no afterbirth, it’s just replaced by another baby.
  -Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar called the police because they saw ventriloquist Jeff Dunham on TV with his puppet Peanut and they thought Dunham had kidnapped one of their children.
  -Jim Bob’s penis is so massive he and Michelle are unable to have sex.  They have hoped that by having twenty children they would be able to loosen her enough for sex.  Jim Bob has to use a turkey baster to get her pregnant.
  -The Duggars had two children they named Beavis and Butthead.  Jim Bob and Michelle didn’t like them because they listened to the Devil’s music so they bought a house in Texas and forced Beavis and Butthead to live there under the watchful supervision of animators at MTV.
  -The Duggar children consider hearing their parents having sex to be a weekly rite of passage.
  -Jim Bob and Michelle needed extra money to raise 20 children so they use Michelle’s uterus for a human trafficking operation.  They smuggle people out of countries in her uterus.
  -Jim Bob Duggar is not lactose intolerant because the average age gap between children is 18 months.  There is a good likelihood that while having sex in that time span he gets sprayed with breast milk.
  -The Duggars get a $3,400 tax deduction for each child and a $500 tax credit for each child.  They live tax free.  There you go, Tea Party and people who don’t like taxes, start having more kids.
  -A family having 20 kids has not changed the rest of America’s opinion about Arkansas.
  -The Duggars were investigated as a cult and terror cell during the Bush administration but the investigation was dropped when it was determined they weren’t Muslim.
  -The recent Duggar babies have been determined to have lactose intolerance.  They really aren’t and can have dairy products.  It’s just that they are so sick to their baby stomachs to find out they have so many siblings.
  -The estimated time when whites will no longer make up the majority of Americans has been pushed back eight years — to 2050 — because of the recession,  stricter immigration policies, and the baby-popping ability of Michelle Duggar.
  -Jim Bob Duggar came across a car accident and he saw a young girl in the backseat who was unresponsive.  It turns out the young girl had stopped breathing because she joked on a chicken nugget.  He saved her life.  When asked why, Jim Bob said, “I have lost count but I just assumed she was one of my kids.”
  -The Duggars are claiming credit to starting the Occupy Movement.  They say they started Occupy Uterus back in 1984.
  -Jim Bob Duggar has to tie a 2×4 around his ass so he doesn’t fall in when he and Michelle try to conceive another baby.
  -With 20 children, the Duggars can field a football team and then they will be invited to join the SEC.
  -All the Duggar children have names that begin with the letter “J”.  The next child will be named “Just Stop”
  -Everyone thinks it sucks being the middle child.  Just imagine what it’s like to be one of the 18 middle Duggar children.
  -Jim Bob Duggar said he will stop having children with same number of appendages he can count them on so expect at least one or three more children.
  -The Duggars will eventually have more children than the number of day Kim Kardashian was married.
  -Jim Bob Duggar is a degenerate gambler and he’s trying to have enough children to get a blackjack.
  -A game of Monopoly lasts at least one month in the Duggar house.
  -The hand-me-downs for this baby will be cool again by the time he wears them.  So by 2027, the 20th Duggar child will look really cool wearing a Members Only jacket.
  -The Duggars have singlehandedly helped the economy.  Their babysitter made enough money to pay her tuition for a year after babysitting all the Duggars for one night.
  -They can’t eat meals in the same room at the same time because with that many people in the same room it’s a fire hazard.
  -The Duggars have enough members to unionize.

  

  • 7:16 PM
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