November 19, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 11/18/11

  I really should be sleeping because I'm thinking I'm hitting the woods tomorrow but I'm up.  I'm contemplating life and what not and I ate too much for supper.  I was going to include a Packer to the round up but I didn't because I'm sure most of you non-Packers fans are sickened by Green Bay's dominance over your squad.  Time for the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  The Situation is an idiot of epic proportions.  A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how Snooki said he's broke well it may be worse.  A former friend said that the Situation has absolutely no money and this was a guy who made $100,000 per episode of Jersey Shore and had millions of dollars in endorsements.  The friend said that he's bought a fleet of high end cars, custom made jewelery, and even hired an entourage to follow him around everywhere.  How lame must you be as a human if you have to hire friends?  He's lost upwards of $10million.  Because Jersey Shore is losing it's name power, events aren't hiring him for appearances and he's losing endorsement deals.  His friend predicts that he'll have to sell his Ferrari and drive a more practical Ford Focus.  I want to feel bad for this guy but I can't.  It's like he's a cartoon character.  He's been put in our reality because someone decided to put him there.  He's like Pokemon.  Sure Pokemon is nice but we wouldn't be worse off if it had never been put on paper.  I guess this is karma and it's going to send him back to whatever alley MTV dragged him out of.  Maybe The Situation can join the Occupy Movement and fist pump for equality in wealth.
  
  Of all the celebrities I've posted, I think Ryan Gossling made my list of good people.  This week he was at a party hosted by Jimmy Kimmel.  When Gossling was getting ready to leave, he walked to all the servers at the party and gave them each a hundred dollar bill.  Jimmy Kimmel found out and approached Ryan and told him that all the tips were taken care of and he didn't have to tip anyone.  He laughed at Jimmy and continued to hand out money as he left.  So this Ryan Gossling is famous, good looking, and generous with his money.  That's the holy trinity for women.  How can I compete?  I bet next week there'll be a story about him keeping his pants up by fashioning a belt with his dick.  I would caution him to be careful with his reckless spending.  If he keeps up he may wind up being a Congressman.
  
  Rihanna was feeling very patriotic this week by donning those American flag shorts.  GOD BLESS AMERICA!  Suddenly I find myself wanting to explore the Mississippi even though I have no clue what that's supposed to mean.
  
  Ricky Martin has returned to the stage and is staring in the Dr. Seuss musical.  Here we see Ricky freestyling a new song and it goes a little something like this: "I will not eat it on a chair, I will not eat it with red hair, I will not eat it anywhere, I do not like golden cooch with glam."
  
  AWESOME NEWS!  After a 9 year break, the Ricki Lake Show will be returning to the airwaves.  Rumor has it that up to 50% of the nation will get to see Ricki in all her glory.  I hope this brings back all those 90s trash talks shows.  Springer is still around so he doesn't count.  Jenny Jones...Richard Bey...Dick Dietrich...I have the most awkward boner.  I'm just thinking about Ricki and all those Geek to Chic makeovers and the blind dates between members of the Black Panthers and the KKK.  I hope it features real people instead of actors like Jerry, Steve Wilkos, and Maury.
  
  Rev Run of Run DMC turned 47 this week.  So, how about it ladies, do you fancy Rev Run?  Be careful how you answer that question about this fine masculine specimen otherwise you'll hurt my feelings.
  
  Friday was Regis Pilbin's last episode of Live.  He finally retired.  I think I will best remember him for all that spastic barking he did when hosting that show and also his work making people want to strangle him for taking commercials at the height of excitement on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.  He also brought us drunk Kathy Lee Gifford who had to drink just to put up with him.  Reeg will definitely be missed from TV but I'm sure he'll find his way back on a show and if not he'll just break down your door and shout at you for a half hour and then go on to the next house.
  
  Paris Hilton was in Bali this week and she tweeted about how she found this stray dog on the street and she thought it was starving so she went into a restaurant and ordered an $80 steak.  She fed the steak to the dog.  Remember when Paris Hilton said she was the 99%?  Yeah, let's not occupy anything Paris related because if you do you'll probably turn up with numerous diseases.  She currently has 14 guys occupying her bedroom.
  
  So what exactly does NBC stand for?  National Broadcasting and Censorship?  Nobody's Broadcast Company?  Nincompoops Buttheads Company?  Wait I know...NOTHING BUT CRAP!  I'd actually say "shit" but that doesn't fit.  This week NBC announced that they were basically canceling Community, one of the best shows on that channel that isn't named The Office or SVU.  They also announced that they were ordering more episodes of Whitney, a show that I've found to be virtually unwatchable, and will move it to Wednesday night to air before a new show called Are You There, Vodka, it's Chelsea, a show that's based on books written by Chelsea Handler.  I can't remember the number of seasons Community has had but given it's NBC, it was canceled at the height of popularity just like Friday Night Lights.  Hopefully the outcry will be such that another network picks it up and NBC airs it in the summer sort of like how they did with Friday Night Lights.  I bet the person that cut this show was the genius who cut Freaks and Geeks.  I just looked at their midseason lineup and 6 nights will feature reality programming.  Well they are in last place so they can do whatever they want and they are doing just that.  NBC has ordered a new TV show that is a remake to be made by the guy who created Pushing Daisies.  NBC has ordered a remake of The Munsters.  Yes, that's right...THE MUNSTERS!  I'm really at a loss for words but all I know is they better cast Ray Romano as Herman, Regis Pilbin as Grandpa, and Courtney Stodden as the dragon under the staircase.
  
  This is Lottie Moss.  She is the younger sister of renowned drunk Kate Moss.  Lottie has followed in her older sister's steps and has started modeling.  Care to guess how old she is?  Look at the photo.  Study it.  Guess.  Nope, you're wrong.  She's 13.  When I was 13 years old, there were no girls that looked like that.
  
  Friends of Lindsay Lohan told the National Enquirer this week that Lindsay still thinks her career is going strong and she's in a position to one day win an Oscar for her acting ability.  Shit, the only movie award that Lindsay will win is if the word "cum" is in the title.  The only way I can see her winning an Oscar is if she sleeps with every member of the Academy.  My guess is that she'll end up on reality TV by the end of 2012.
  
  Poor Liam Neeson.  He peed his pants.  I hear that happens when you get older or suffer from alcoholism.
  
  Here we see Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Carey Mulligan on the set of The Great Gatsby.  Yes, that mess is actually happening.  I grew to detest that book because I read it 3 years in high school and almost every semester in college and every time the teacher insisted that it was a classic.  I didn't agree but as I look at those dandies I have the urge to go do the Charleston.
  
  Is it me or does Lady Gaga's hat look like a Pepto Bismal sperm?  People are saying that Lady Gaga fired one of her music collaborators because she compared Gaga to Madonna.  Before Gaga fired her she read up on Madonna's personal life and found out that Madonna once fired someone for comparing her to Patti Smith.
  
  Kim Kardashian is a whore but I don't think she's a human whore.  I'm fairly certain that if you cut her open you'd find a robot inside that is fueled by straight cash, homey.  Just think about it.  Have you ever seen her eat?  Now, how many times have you seen her handle money or do things simply for money?  A book has been released that claims Kim used to love going out with her friends to have a good time but because she was pushed by her mother to be a fame whore Kim won't go out to clubs unless they pay her to make an appearance.  Also the book says that Kim demanded $60,000 to use a lipgloss on her reality show.  Really?  You don't need to pay her $60,000 to put something on her lips.  Just make sure it comes out of something shaped like a penis and that something shaped like a penis has a large bank account.  She'll do anything for that.  I'm surprised she isn't selling her own feces or used tampons at this point.  Last week I mentioned how a former publicist claimed that everything about Kim is scripted including her latest marriage.  What?  People don't get married on TV and then 72 days later get divorced on TV for love and $20million?  Well that publicist is now shopping a book he wrote about working for the Kardashians however he's facing a lawsuit because when he left the job he supposedly signed a confidentiality agreement.  The Kardashians are suing for $200,000.  Like they need any more money.  They're still sitting on piles of blood money their dad made by defending O.J. Simpson.  Screw, the Kardashians.  Let this guy say whatever he wants.  A report is saying that the next season of Kim's reality show will portray her as the victim in the divorce and show Kris Humphries as a lazy and incompetent oaf who holds Kim back from taking over the world and that she is very sad about the whole thing.  Kim Kardashian is sad because her business and TV show are being affected by her divorce, not because her marriage actually ended. The only thing this bitch truly loves is money.  Kim is telling people that she fears that if she disappears from the public eye for even a week, she'll disappear completely.  And with that, I will no longer talk about Kim Kardashian with the hopes that she'll disappear.  The only thing that will make me bring her back is sex tapes or nudity.  I'm a guy, what are you going to do about?  Come over to my house and make a true man out of me?  Ball's in your court, ladies.
  
  Well maybe we'll talk more about Kim Kardashian's 16 year old sister, Kendall Jenner.  Kendall just turned 16 and had a Sweet 16 party that was possibly filmed by MTV.  She received a 2012 black Range Rover.  I guess all those Kardashian girls love to ride black things.  This family...can you believe them?  They have been exposed as frauds and whores and they feel there's no need to hide just because the world thinks they're trash.  Maybe Jerry Sandusky could learn something from them.  No, that's not possible.  They're females.
  
  Kathy Griffin and Jesse Tyler Ferguson did some-why Lord WHY!
  
  I title this story "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me 19 times..."  Kat Von D took to her Facebook page and announced that she believed in true love and that she found out that Jesse James cheated with 19 different women while they were together.  She said, "Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year ... Sure, its easy to tell someone, 'I told you so' especially if you're criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love. I know I deserve a big fat  'I told you so,' from everyone, and wish I didn't have to say, 'You all were more right than you'll ever know' but you were."  I feel bad for her.  It's not like Kat knew Jesse was a serial cheater.  She was totally fooled sort of like the time I went to Compton and was wearing my lucky red shirt and got shot at numerous times.  Oh wait...she DID and she was one of the women he cheated on his wife Sandra Bullock with.  I don't know how that guy has the time to cheat on her with 19 different women.  I'm starting to think that the only way he can find satisfaction is if he's cheating and the woman is wearing a swastika.  Well maybe Kat will luck out and get a reality show out of the ordeal since her other show was canceled.  Maybe they can call this one 19 Skanks and Counting.
  
  
  Well it looks like the Maury special event paternity test to end all paternity tests won't happen because the DNA test won't happen because it turns out Mariah Yeater was trying to extort money.  She dropped her lawsuit against Justin Bieber but she still wants DNA.  The counsel for both sides said that there would be a private test conducted.  TMZ also obtained these text messages and in them Mariah urges the guy to stop referring to the baby as his.  I don't know.  I think she probably dropped the suit because Justin Bieber probably dropped a briefcase filled with money on her doorstep.  So, kids, what does history teach us?  If women want to make money in this world they can do one of two things with their vagina, either put something in it or push something out of it.  Then after that has happened they file the lawsuits.
  
  Judge Joseph Wapner turned 92 this week.  I actually have to admit that I thought he was dead.  Even at age 92, he's better than most of the judges on TV.
  
  Jay-Z showed his true colors this week and that color would be green.  Jay-Z has been making these Occupy Wall Street shirts in his Rocawear clothing line and he has made a nifty profit on them but hasn't donated any of the money to the cause which he promised.  That's how the 1% stays the 1%.  I think the most surprising thing is that his Rocawear clothing line is still around and the next most surprising thing is that a Kardashian didn't come up with that money making idea first but then they're too busy spreading their legs to attain fame.  I guess you can't blame the guy for being American and trying to stash away a few extra bucks since he's expecting a child who'll have to have a diamond rattle.
  
  Danny DeVito turned 67 this week.  I think he's seen better days.  OK that's not DeVito in the brown shirt.  Look at the pink.  OK that's not Danny.  If you want to see what he looks like, look here.
  
  This week Connie Britton adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia and named him Yobi.  She is recently divorced.  There is no word if she will raise the boy with the Latex Man.  I'd volunteer...gosh she sure is pretty.
  
  Fun Fact #369 Coco's middle name is Elegance.  I'm thinking about hunting but I can't help but feel like a deer hypnotized by Coco's headlights.
  
  Bradley Cooper was named sexiest man alive by People magazine.  Did all the other men on the planet die?  Wait, I'm writing this and let me check...yep, still there.  Did all the men on the planet besides me and Bradley Cooper die? 
  
  Brad Pitt was recently interviewed for Australia's version of 60 Minutes and in the interview he said that he was going to retire from acting and three years and turn his focus to producing and directing.  And of course the internet went crazy with people imploring Brad not to retire.  I'm thinking he's saying this because the holiday season is fast approaching and he wants you to stock up on Brad Pitt DVDs for stocking stuffers.  Well after much outcry, Pitt released a statement saying he basically changed his mind and wasn't giving an exact timetable when he said three years.  He will continue acting.  I've read transcripts of the interview and the statement and I think Pitt has been hitting the bong a little too much.  He isn't coherent which makes me wonder how can he act in movies.  He also said he wants to take care of himself.  I hope that means going to Jiffy Lube to get his hair degreased.
  
  YAY!  Anne Hathaway joined the Occupy Wallstreet movement and she had a sign that said, "Blackboards Not Bullets".  I'm thinking she has large investments in blackboard stock.  In TOTALLY unrelated news, Anne Hathaway once rented an apartment on Fifth Avenue in New York City that cost $65,000 a month.  You are not the 99%.
  
  Joe Perry, Joey Kramer, and Steven Tyler of Aerosmith were out and about on vacation.  Tyler looks good considering the last time we saw him he was all beat up from falling in his shower.  He should be careful in that water.  Maybe they got him a walker.  OK, ladies, I'll leave you now so you can go to your fappy places.
  
  I have lost all respect for Adrianne Curry.  We all know that paper towels should be hung over instead of going under.  I thought they taught that stuff in grade school.  She should be ashamed.  Oh and boobs.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 7:03 PM
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