November 23, 2011

• Motivation

  I just accidentally took a daytime cold medicine instead of a nighttime cold medicine.  I’ve had three cups of coffee, it’s 225 miles to Chicago, I’ve got a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark outside and I’m wearing sunglasses.  It’s time to get weird.

  PETA has denounced the new Mario game because Mario wears a fur coat.  Sadly, the coat was made from Donkey Kong.

  Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable.  They also said that if the word “salad” is used in the food’s name then it is healthy.  Well I’m off to make some caramel apple and Snickers and deep fried butter and marshmallow salad.  If pizza is a vegetable then I know a lot of obese vegetarians.

  Whenever you talk to someone who is attractive, the chances you do something stupid multiply by 100.

  Papercuts are the last act of vengeance committed by trees.

  A study said that 25% of Americans will have to work until they are 80 before they are able to retire but only if they can find a job before they turn 80.

  Being a responsible adult is really screwing up my life.

  Why is it that people want a piece of cake after someone has blown and spit on it?

  A study found that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has an 89% approval rating.  Only two people have higher ratings, Abraham Lincoln with 91% and Jesus with 93%.  I wonder if this means that many years from now people will deny that Aaron Rodgers existed.

  Do you remember when people used cellphones to call each other?

  Two men recently invented a video game that can be played while men use the urinal.  This is a great thing except when the guy next to you asks to use your joystick.

  The best way to cure an upset stomach is to have sex with a red-head because studies have shown that using ginger cures stomach ailments.

  A study found that 50% of Americans have cut back on driving because of high gas prices. The other 50% have to walk everywhere they go.  Also drunk driving arrests are down because people can no longer afford booze and gas.

  Always be yourself no matter what unless you suck then you should try being more like me.

  A recent study found that teenagers who are sexually active are in the minority but there are still more teenagers having sex than married couples.  The study may be inconclusive because the married women faked all their answers.

  I was sort of excited to see Breaking Dawn until I learned it wasn’t a porn movie starring Ron Jeremy.

  I conducted a research study with a group of astrophysicists and we determined that the earth does not revolve around my ex-girlfriend.

  Do you know that look women get right before they have sex?  Yeah, I don’t either.

  I can hardly hear the TV over my dishwasher.  I sure hope my wife quits talking soon.

  I have a huge money making idea.  I’m going to invent a remote control that will find my other lost remote controls.  Who am I kidding?  I’d lose that one too.

  I have another big money making opportunity.  I want to make an ice cream sandwich that doesn’t make your fingers look like you’ve been playing with your own feces after you eat it.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  93% of married men say they want to drown their troubles but they can’t get their wives to go swimming.

  There are reports that Urban Meyer is set to become the next head coach of the Ohio State football team.  I hope for his sake that Columbus has good hospitals because he’ll need to fake heart attacks when the NCAA sanctions come in.

  I’m going to write the memoirs of my childhood but I’m going to make it all about bounce houses and hitting homeruns in little league.

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away or in my case three apples a day keep my hemoglobin levels higher than those of a five year old.

  The best part of having hardwood floors is that you can put on socks and pretend you are ice skating.  The worst part of having hardwood floors is that I can no longer feel my legs after that last fall.

  The best part about being single is that I feel so accomplished when I eat a bag of chips or a whole pizza all by myself…and then the depression sets in.

  The holidays are ruined.  My neighbor put up an inflatable snowwoman in his front yard and I had sex with it…all before Thanksgiving.  What is wrong with people?

  What do you get if you combine B (boron) with O² (Oxygen)?  The element of surprise.  No one will get this.

  The worst part about dating smart people is that I have to talk about things other than professional wrestling, weather, or Dancing with the Stars.

  75% of all my flirting ends with me apologizing.

  Xanga is pretty much like masturbation.  You are here to please yourself and if others like what you do then that’s even better.

  If you’re new to Xanga then I have some advice for you…LEAVE!

  When I see someone has unfriended me on Xanga, I get pissed off and say, “Fuck that loser” but then I read the post where I talked about soaking my girlfriend’s tampons in horse tranquilizers to keep her mellow during her period and then I’m saying, “Yeah, I feel you.  I’d unfriend me too.”

  Get ready Xanga, we are now entering the time of the year when I become irrationally livid with anyone who lives in a tropical or subtropical climate.

  A recent study revealed that the thing that brings people closest together is the mutual hatred of a third party.  Ladies, email me which Xangans you hate and I’ll see if we match up or you can just do the old-fashioned thing and send me nude photos.
  

  Now people who are addicted to Xanga can log off from their home computer, walk to their car, log back on to Xanga while they go to work.
  

  If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?
  

  The more time I spend on Xanga, the more people I hate.
  

  You do realize that in the time it took you to read this that somewhere in the world a teenage boy was caught masturbating by his mom.

  • 2:01 PM
  • 36 Comments