November 25, 2011
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How to Ruin Thanksgiving
So I thought I would share multiple ways you can ruin your Thanksgiving because I did some experimenting this year. Of course, you will have to try these next year.
Something may be labeled NSFW
-Call your father a “butt plug” during the pre-meal prayer
-When saying the prayer, throw your arms in the air raising them to heave and begin to sway like one of those wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men and then start screaming in tongues.
-Tell the cook that Chef Gordon Ramsay would kick them out of Hell’s Kitchen for their culinary abortion and that Guy Fieri would enjoy the food because he is a dullard.
-Drink 10 beers in 10 minutes and let the fun begin and of course the beer has to be Schell’s Lake Maid and with every bottle say “Normally I wouldn’t eat (insert type of fish here) but for Miss (insert type of fish here) I’d make the exception. You really need to go to the website to understand my lame attempt at humor. Also you have to remember that I started that company’s myspace site and refused to sell. I am a moron.
-Be a Lions fan so the meal will be more depressing.
-Hit your brother-in-law in the face while playing a pick-up game of basketball…that happened last year when Barack Obama’s brother-in-law elbowed him in the face during a game. Surprisingly, he’s still alive and Obama didn’t use one of his free kills on him.
-Discuss how your daughter will be starting college and your granddaughter will be graduating from kindergarten this school year and you are only 30 years old.
-Demand that everyone watches the news and when it’s not turned to FOX News go into a tirade saying how FOX News is the only fair and balanced news source and when asked about certain issues facing our country and you have no clue say that FOX News hasn’t told you how to think about these issues.
-Become a militant NASCAR fan and demand that NASCAR be deemed a legitimate competitive sport
-Go shopping
-Tell everyone that you got a new job with TSA and grope yourself at the table and say that you are just practicing
-In most states marrying your cousins is legal…wink wink nudge nudge say no more
-When you see a family member drinking Starbucks declare your hatred for the chain and say they are responsible for the collapse of the economy but laud their use of this song in their new commercials because Matt Pond PA really rocks.
-Two words: pro-wrestling reenactments
-Tell everyone that you are a “master baster”
-Talk about how awesome Tumblr is especially when your URL is AnalGoatFister69
-Show how much you appreciate the meal by belching and farting at the table.
-Set all the clocks in the house back or ahead an hour.
-Silly string makes meals memorable
-Explore your new found love of nudism.
-If you don’t have a significant other and want to avoid family asking if you’re out of the closet yet, hire a hooker to be your date and when asked how you met her tell your family you bought her on the street corner.
-Serve Kool Aid at your family’s meal. Spike the drink with methylene blue. When methylene blue is ingested it will change the color of urine to blue.
-Unscrew the filters to every water faucet in the house. Fill the cap with potassium permanganate. When people use the water, there will be a reaction between the water and potassium permanganate and the water will turn purple. Hopefully you come from a family of dullards and they love the novelty of purple water and put it on their hands and face. When the water and potassium permanganate combine and come in contact with human skin it stains the skin brown. Then when you see family members with stained hands ask if they haven’t been potty trained and don’t know how to wipe their asses. If it’s on their face, start singing the country song, “Looking for love in all the wrong places”.
-Secret ingredient…silver nitrate. When silver nitrate comes in contact with skin, it stains skin black.
-Let this be your family meal:
“Give us this day, our daily white bread.”
-This is your meal:
Don’t worry, I’m not a cannibal. I’m just a deviant. I hope that didn’t trigger any recovering cannibals out there in Xanga land.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.
Comments (63)
LMAO!!! Looking for love in all the wrong places…
most of the jokes were pretty dry though…
I remember asking my mom if I could have a slice of her gravy once. She didn’t laugh the way I had hoped. I am bloated and feeling enormous. Like that makes me different from any other day. Bahahaha. Happy Thanksgiving, sir.
I didn’t know the tea party was invited for dinner!!!
Oh man…those pics…ewww!
LMAO!!
I hope you had an amazing holiday…even though your experimenting may have pissed off your family and you might be in jail right now.
LMBO! Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.
@adventofreason - One year, I think it was for Christmas, my mom received an electric knife. My dad grabbed it and said something like, “Oh good! Now it will be MUCH easier to serve the gravy!” My mom’s gravy was a family joke… and Mom told some of the best ones.
lol
omg silly string! that would have been perfect. ok, next year for sure!
Your title reminded me of this video I watched recently.
All that dye in the tap water would make me crazy if they came out of the bathroom and their skin hadn’t changed color…. and then someone else, and someone else, and you had to realize about 80% of your family didn’t wash their hands after using the bathroom!!!
Having lived in Detroit a short time, I know how they love their Lions Thanksgiving Day “Classic”– and how every year, it’s a classic disaster .
hahahahaha master-baster hehehe
that’s novel 
eww, eww. I must admit, not Gordon Ramsay, but Alton Brown will be influencing my turkey this weekend. A vegetable brine marinade! Happy Thanksgiving!!
There’s some great advice up there. I especially like the “Silly String makes meals memorable”. I’ll have to try that next time we get together with the in-laws
Oh wow, these are way too funny. All of them are hilarious; I can’t choose a favourite.
Maybe I’ll keep this in mind for Christmas.
So, that drunk huh?
But my Father is a butt plug:)
What we are not supposed to belch and fart at the table. Well crap-who knew:):)Hey I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
maybe it’s just my juvenile scatological tendencies i’ve honed to a PhD level…but i think calling your dad a butt plug during the pre-meal prayer totally takes the cake (as it should, because you’d be damn lucky to take a crumb after pushing that one out).
@College_Ruled11X85 - yeah, I think that’s because of my mostly dry humor. I don’t know what wet humor is.
@adventofreason - hope you had a good one, I once said my mom’s gravy was rougher and lumpier than a certain country road in our area. She didn’t take to kindly to that.
@hesacontradiction - well if people identified themselves as tea partiers at any function I threw I’d make them sit at the kid’s table and give them little tea sets with imaginary food so they could play tea party all they wanted while we ate real food and did something worthwhile.
@firetyger - I was once accused of causing someone to have feelings of cutting themselves with a photo I once posted so I just hope those last pics don’t inspire anyone to be a cannibal.
@ZombieMom_Speaks - It’s all part of our game called Out Asshole the Asshole.
@SamsPeeps - I think with you two sharing gravy stories I need to share a story about gravy. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving
@James2012 - glad you liked
man – you did some research with the water colorization… nice job – we need some more pics of your table settings… quite lovely… are they from wisconsin or are they imported?
or maybe table setting album covers…
@Peridot21 - just, whatever you do, DO NOT USE THE SILLY STRING IF YOU HAVE CANDLES ON THE TABLE! It’s flammable. See what I mean.
@Hinase - hahahaha…that’s great, I’ll have to include that next year
@spinner_mom - that’s a good way to check to make sure your kids are cleaning after and it’s also a good way to get them to stop cleaning after the bathroom.
@roscoes_farm - the boy named Suh made that game a disaster. The Packers would’ve had to settle for a field goal and then he slammed that guy’s head to the turf and then kicked him giving the Packers a first down and allowing them to score a touchdown. Then Detroit imploded, Stafford threw a pick and then Rodgers schooled him by throwing a touchdown the next play. I feel bad for Detroit.
@tribong_upos - It could also be used when opening a fishing shop. You could call it The Master Baiter.
@sleekpeek - hope your brine turned out. Have you ever noticed that once Alton Brown stopped looking like a homeless guy with unkempt hair and beard that he started looking so sickly?
@ShadesOfWynter - whatever you do, make sure there isn’t any open flames when you use the silly string. That stuff is highly flammable. See here.
@Cestovatelka - YES! I totally forgot about Christmas. I may have to hire a hooker for that one if my family decides to have a get together.
@DivaJyoti - well I try to avoid the liquor otherwise I’d probably do these things
@Grannys_Place - hope your’s was good too. I hear in some cultures that belching and farting are expected of people to show they had a good meal.
@godfatherofgreenbay - oh, I saw you over there on Theo’s place saying you were the obnoxious one in the family, so I thought maybe you did some of those.
good list. funny idea. I will try to do one of those kind of blogs for fun too.
holy shit dude I just caught that bottom set of photos.
@complicatedlight - haha…pushing out.
well I think it depends on the father. I think after the last time I posted this and doing that he’s sort of improved and is a father instead of this rebellious teenager that’s try to deny I’m his son.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Yeah, he pretty much has amazing funny stuff on his youtube page. It’s really worth checking out.
lol gordan ramsey would probably kick everyone out of the kitchen. show off.
Hope your thanksgiving was a good’un.
@xplorrn - well those lovely place settings can be found at the website in the corner.
I hated science as a kid and during high school and college but when I learned that you could use it for pranks my world turned upside down. Most of those are organic as well so there is really nothing that can get the stains out other than letting them wear out and some take days or weeks. I also think that you could probably remove some with peroxide but I wouldn’t chance it because you could cause another reaction.
@DivaJyoti - oh I may have done a few of those over the years because the holidays have been ruined because it’s family and family brings out the worst in people.
That photo set. I came across that through another website a few years ago and I was just creeped out by that whole notion.
@StrawberrySunrises - I would love to eat some of his food and go into a tirade like what he does when something isn’t to his standards.
I hope your thanksgiving was good and your birthday better.
@godfatherofgreenbay - ah ha, that’s a relief.
Unfortunately, I don’t think any of my cousins are marriage material. They’re mostly girls or way younger (or older) than me anyway. Sigh.
Am I weird for having seen those food-as-porn photos before? I think it was on a Cracked article about the weirdest fetishes out there…and “as food” was one of them. But of course I could be making up that story to cover my own weird fetishes.
@godfatherofgreenbay - He looks great. I don’t have cable, so I’ve lost touch, but Wiki updated me.
This is the Apocalypse! The butt plug is Satan’s favorite toy!!
@godfatherofgreenbay - LOL!! My son John and I play a similar game; see who can get my mom to yell shut up first.
Basically, one of us starts a gross conversation, perhaps regarding a scene from a particularly nasty horror film, or a video one of us found on YouTube (a large cyst or pustule being drained, etc.) and the other feeds it until my mom yells and cuts us off. This is especially effective at the dinner table.
I’ve been playing this game since I was a kid. My brother plays it too. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with us, but I suspect it has something to do with not growing all the way up.
@godfatherofgreenbay - i just kinda reread the last few lines… yeah, screw the cannibals… the deviants are far worse… just for you… http://www.kink.com/k/sites.jsp?c=2
@SamsPeeps - Hahahaha . . . I am sure she appreciated it very much. Snort. Those kind of memories are so precious. I have a hunch you would love to have that gravy one more time. Hugs and smooches forever.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Mom’s gravy was never lumpy, just FIRM. This year, when I made the gravy, by the time we were getting ready to put it in the gravy boats, I lamented that it seemed a little stout. She proclaimed to be the best she had had in a long time. Bahahaha.
so. when master baster rhymes it’s really not that funny.
i still have one more family gathering. i suspect i’ll see a few of these things.since it’s my family.
@godfatherofgreenbay - I hate it when people project their own issues as blame on other people for ‘making’ them do or feel something.
Personal responsibility, people.
Awesome stuff.
Thanks for the chemistry lesson. Heh.
down here, next to the gulf of mexico, we are master-baiters. wink, wink, nudge nudge.
LOL
@godfatherofgreenbay - omg
thanks for the info! that poor guy 
… and his poor kid, freaking out… 
@godfatherofgreenbay - bwahahaha
@adventofreason - sounds like how my mom hates venison yet a few weeks ago I scored some venison summer sausage and I think she ate the majority of it. She said it was the best sausage she’s ever had but once I said it was venison she said it was horrible.
@promisesunshine - good luck
@In_Reason_I_Trust - glad to help, it’s amazing what you can do with chemicals that also double as pool cleaners.
@RestlessButterfly - glad you liked
@godfatherofgreenbay - venison summer sausage is to die for even though i hate to eat bambi. and jerky. mmm… mmmm… crap, i don’t think my f-i-l hunts anymore. and i’m drooling.