November 26, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 11/25/11

  So today was meant for laying around and watching college football to recover from eating and watching football yesterday.  I get a phone call from my mom and she asked if I wanted to go to a store a few towns over because she doesn’t like driving alone at night.  I jumped at that because I’d get to see what got picked over during Black Friday.  I was surprised to see everything in it’s right place.  Saw some deals and let them stay at the store.  I did end up buying a toy car for someone.  I think I’m done with my Christmas shopping…for now…but I might see something and get it down the line.  I got some Culver’s tonight because the flavor of the day was Brownie Thunder…vanilla frozen custard, caramel swirl, and huge chunks of brownies.  I think I had at least 3 brownies in my serving.  Anyway, it’s time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  This is Taylor Momsen.  She’s 17 years old so quit thinking those thoughts, perv.  I don’t have kids that I know of but I’m pretty sure if I did I wouldn’t want them to act like Taylor, you know, out doing underage smoking and dressing like that to attract the attention of old men.  Who cares if she likes to dress like that?  She’s my daughter.  But then I’m pretty sure that last question will come under fire but oh well, once a girl turns 18 then I’ll let her wear as little as she wants.  Maybe parents want their kids to act like this because so many parents these days live vicariously through their kids.
  
  Bjork turned 46 this week.  Yeah…Bjork.  I remember a few weeks or so ago I tried to start Operation Pjork Bjork.  It didn’t take off because she’s really touchy about stalkers ever since that one guy killed himself because of who she was dating.  Anyway, Bjork’s hot and do yourself a favor and find a copy of “Dancer in the Dark”.  It’s a good movie.
  
  Sofia Vergara’s former publicist wanted her to get breast reduction surgery.  I couldn’t find his name but I’m pretty sure it was Lucifer Devil Satan.  Sofia told her mother what the publicist said and her mother said that if she cut her boobs, God would punish her.  Sofia said she didn’t regret it because her boobs play a big part in her career.  A big part?  Those are her career.  If she had the surgery, she’d be a small breasted bimbo with no talent whatsoever, sort of like Paris Hilton.  I think her mother was right.  If she would’ve had surgery God would’ve become angry and my wrists probably wouldn’t have so much arthritis.
  
  This week Miley Cyrus turned 19 and Snooki turned 24.  They share the same birthday which explains quite a bit.  I’m still a little shocked that Snooki hasn’t started bootlegging whiskey but that may be a new venture for 2012.  Good news, Kelly Osbourne is throwing Miley a birthday party because she thinks that even though Miley is only 19 she’s on the same mental age as Kelly.  Well, I guess 13 is an age.  Kelly also said that Miley deserves a party because she has so much pressure on her.  Really?  What work has Miley done except getting in front of a camera this year.  I’m thinking this party will be a blast and people will be talking about it for some time considering the amount of time Kelly has spent in rehab and the amount of criticism Miley got for smoking something legal.  I expect the party to involve massive amounts of pie and Miley and Kelly talking shit about people who are more relevant than they are.  Or maybe they’ll go all out and have Cherpumple.
  
  Now back to Snooki…sorry.  She broke up with her long-time boyfriend after her birthday party.  Well I guess in MTV reality star years, 3 years dating someone is a lifetime.  She told her boyfriend that she was famous and should be dating someone famous.  OK, Snooki, you’re an idiot.  You have to limit yourself to who you can date because of Jersey Shore-itis (a medical term for the massive amounts of STDs each cast member of Jersey Shore has been infected with).  The only people you could date at this time that have the same amount of STDs if not more, are Paris Hilton and every person she’s slept with so I guess Snooki has a lot of options for dating.
  
  Speaking of Paris Hilton…you know she has so many STDs, namely herpes, and she’d give a horse a blowjob if it meant getting publicity and news time, so here’s a photo of Paris in a bikini while infecting on vacation in Bali, if you’re into that sort of thing, perv.
  
  Salma Hayek stumbled while leaving a hotel she was staying at while visiting Paris.  At first I was thinking that her daughter pushed her but look at that adorable face, she’s not capable of doing evil.  I figure Salma is just top heavy.  QUICK!  Someone hand her a baby to breast feed.  You know, the related videos on youtube are quite strange.
  
  Reese Witherspoon went for a walk this week and that’s about it.  Nothing to see or mention here.  Just keep reading and whatever you do, don’t click on the photo because there is nothing to see.  *starts whistling innocently*
  
  This is Nicole Scherzinger.  P Diddy compiled a coffee table book that is called Culo.  The book is just a compilation of celebrities baring their asses hence the title.  So while you drink your coffee you can enjoy looking at celebrity asses.  Dear Santa, please give me Culo.  Dear God, please let Coco be in that book.
  
  I once promised a Xangan that I would never post photos of Mickey Rourke but I think she’s no longer active here so here’s Mickey Rourke.  I just couldn’t resist posting this photo.  I guess pants are always optional when you’re Mickey Rourke.
  
  A song by David Bowie comes to mind when I look at Kate Gosslein over the years…Cha cha cha Changes!  I’m not one to speculate but I’m pretty sure she got a facelift because that last photo is the current Kate.  Either that or she was burned alive and replaced with a clone.  I’m pretty sure I could have my head cut off and replaced with a basketball and I’d be more recognizable than her.  Can you imagine the conversation she had with her kids when she told them she was having a facelift…”Well, kids, Mommy’s going to use your college fund to get a facelift because Mommy needs to shake off the cobwebs and get laid.”  Staffers say she is obsessed with her image and in 2007 she had a tummy tuck and in 2009 she had breast implants and she has a tanning session three times a week.  She even tried to give herself Botox injections and if you look at the last photo you can tell she botched it.  Just look at her eyebrows.  I can’t blame her for trying to fight Mother Nature and Father Time.  They are a formidable tag team.  Too many women let themselves go after they have kids so take a lesson from Kate Gosslein.  That lesson is that no matter how many kids you poop out don’t give up on your looks until the bitter end.  Remember, this is a man’s world and you have are your looks.  Now that you’re done reading this could you make me a sandwich and fold and iron my laundry?  By the way…THIS WAS SARCASM!  Don’t be like, Kate.  Be happy with who you are.  I’d also say don’t wear a lot of make-up.  Guys like the minimal effect.  All the surgeries in the world won’t fix your attitude and Kate should learn THAT lesson.
  
  Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were spotted together at the America Movie Awards.  Isn’t it cute when little kids play dress up?  In other Bieber news, he took his DNA test last Friday.  Just a few more days and we should know the results.  If Mariah Yeater’s kid is Bieber’s then she hit the jackpot and if it’s not his kid then she will be fed alive to the rabid Bieber fans.  Bieber was on Letterman and Letterman said that he could smell a weasel and Bieber agreed.  Now Bieber has to wait on Yeater to have her baby tested.  You know if Maury handled this it would’ve been taken care of in like 5 minutes.
  
  Joel McHale turned 40 this week.  I only post him because he’s sort of my inspiration in writing this post but then I have miles and miles to go before I get on his level.  PLEASE READ THIS JOEL!  I WANT TO WORK ON YOUR SHOW…WELL THE SOUP SINCE NBC SCREWED COMMUNITY!
  
  Yes, Jennifer Lopez, we get it.  You’re single and ready to mingle and by mingle I mean have casual sex.  I can see she really wants to jump on any man with a pulse but she had better be careful backing that ass into Pitbull otherwise we may have to call the ASPCA on her for animal abuse.  Even worse, we’d have to get the little people on Pit Boss after her for abusing that Pitbull.
  
  Jessica Simpson has told people around her that she’s having a difficult pregnancy and that’s mostly because her doctors warned her that if she doesn’t stop eating junk food, she’s going to hurt her baby.  Her mother and sister Ashlee have told her about all the chemicals in processed food but she won’t have none of their propaganda.  She begs her boyfriend/fiance Eric Johnson to bring her a brownie.  One isn’t bad but when Jessica eats a brownie she has to have ice cream, potato chips, and french onion dip.  She’s also having trouble sleeping because she’s suffering supposed withdrawal from her junk food and the stress is hurting the baby.  I think in this photo she’s on her way to the local meeting of Occupy McDonald’s.  Let’s not kid ourselves here.  There is a chance the kid will have a lobster claw growing out of it’s back simply because Jessica Simpson is the mother.  She’s sort of weird like that.  Now her baby will probably also have diabetes and a high cholesterol level because Jessica is eating junk food like the kid who discovered the chocolate river in the Willy Wonka movie.  She’s negotiating a deal with Weight Watchers for $4million to lose the pregnancy weight.  Eric Johnson has said that he’s disgusted by her weight gain so this was why Jessica initially contacted Weight Watchers but that was BEFORE she got pregnant.  If Johnson doesn’t like her, I’m sure he could find a job pumping gas in El Salvador.  Jessica will just move on to another overrated NFL quarterback.  Jessica could date Tim Tebow.
  
  Jennifer Love Hewitt broke up with her boyfriend this week and it looks like she’s not handling it.  Actually he broke up with her via text message.  Who does that?  Seriously!  The text messaging and email break up is so fucking spineless.  This is her third break up this year alone.  I’m starting to think that there’s a problem with Jennifer but what could it be.  Does she have a lobster claw growing out of her back?  Does she have a farting problem?  Is she related to Courtney Love?  How can someone run through so many d-list men without getting married?  I guess now she can hook-up with Seth Green or that guy who played the police officer turned psychic on Heroes.  You know the guy, he’s the one who read minds and solved crimes and then when the storylines got so messed up he could make people think what he wanted them to think and then for a while he could go into dreams and then he was invincible.  Yeah, Heroes sucked.  I have a feeling the reason why Jennifer can’t keep a man is what the great philosopher/police chief Clancy Wiggum once lamented…why are all the pretty ones insnae?
  
  Speaking of Courtney Love…ain’t she glamorous?  It looks like she almost popped out of that dress.  It wouldn’t have happened if she wore the dress properly, namely not having it on backwards.  Is it me or does her right boob look like it’s trying to migrate left to be joined with it’s silicone twin?
  
  I know last week I said I’d never write about her again but…PUBLICITY STUNT ATTENTION WHORE!  How can you help serve the homeless when there are cameramen around you?  Oh and I won’t mention her by name but there is a new book called Celebrity Inc. and the author states how people like this whore make their money for doing absolutely nothing.

  1. On average celebrities make $33,000 per pound just for losing weight when they have an endorsement deal with a weight loss company.
  2. $10,000 per Tweet
  3. 50% of all proceeds from staged paparazzi photos
  4. $10,000 “secret” endorsement checks to wear certain items of clothing.
  5. $100,000 for baby photos (except for the very high end babies which can command $1 million)
  6. $25,000 for a club appearance
  7. All expense paid trips for them and their entire family to show up and say they support a charity

  ARE YOU SICK YET?
  
  Her brother, Rob Kardashian lost the Dancing with the Stars competition.  This was a surprise since his sisters cheated by posting a number to vote for him on Twitter claiming the number was Justin Bieber’s phone number.  I guess people actually hate his family.  He actually had a lead in the dancing portion but he lost by a large margin once the votes were tabulated.  And like every Kardashian, Rob was graceful in defeat when he said this: “I’m super thankful.  This is such a crazy experience. I’m definitely not sad. I won in my book.“  Well just wait, when your mom writes another book about how she’s such a great mother she’ll claim you won the competition and the dullards who buy the book won’t question anything because they have less than half a brain.  This guy is 24 years old and is only famous because he lives with his sister, a sister who once took a load of semen in her mouth on camera from a guy who only achieved fame because his sister was a singer.  I guess because his sister enjoys ingesting semen (I hear it’s good for the skin) he gets to be on TV a lot.  There are Egyptians in Tahrir Square and Americans occupying various places who are on TV quite a bit as well but I’m not going to pick up my phone and vote for them because they did a mediocre samba.
  
  This is what Brett Favre has been doing in his retirement.  I think he’d better stay off the football field and not sign with the Chicago Bears or Houston Texans otherwise Clay Matthews would be posing with the lifeless carcass of Favre and then he’ll taxidermy Favre and place his taxidermied body in the atrium of Lambeau Field.

  Well that was a quiet week.  I hope you enjoyed.  Have a great weekend.

  • 2:43 AM
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