I haven't done one of these in a long time, class.

 

So...who wins in a fight and why does that group win?  Make sure you include why they win otherwise your grade will suffer.

Get to work!

#caturday I stay up late last night and I have to get up early today.  I decide to go hunting.  Get up at 4 and drive up to my cousin's farm and they're all out so I don't want to go walking in the woods without letting them know I'm there.  I wait around and of course it starts raining and my asthma starts acting up so I head in.  No deer yet.  Maybe later this week.  I get home and rest and then I go out.  I'm seeing all these other hunters registering their deer and it was amazing how many deer were harvested this year.  I went out and saw this girl that I've wanted to ask out for some time but because I have little confidence so anyway there's this girl and we're talking and it's going good and I get ready to ask and then out of nowhere this guy walks by and I stopped because I saw it in her face.  Her jaw drops and she checks this guy out from head to toe.  Then came the blush and the smile.  "What was it you wanted to ask?" "Nothing.  I'll talk to you later."  Nothing like trying to ask someone out and they check out another person to ruin your day.  Then a little kid looked at me and asked his mom, "Is that Santa?"  It sucks to be fat during the holidays.

Well cats made things better for now.

I really should be sleeping because I'm thinking I'm hitting the woods tomorrow but I'm up.  I'm contemplating life and what not and I ate too much for supper.  I was going to include a Packer to the round up but I didn't because I'm sure most of you non-Packers fans are sickened by Green Bay's dominance over your squad.  Time for the round up.

The Situation is an idiot of epic proportions.  A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how Snooki said he's broke well it may be worse.  A former friend said that the Situation has absolutely no money and this was a guy who made $100,000 per episode of Jersey Shore and had millions of dollars in endorsements.  The friend said that he's bought a fleet of high end cars, custom made jewelery, and even hired an entourage to follow him around everywhere.  How lame must you be as a human if you have to hire friends?  He's lost upwards of $10million.  Because Jersey Shore is losing it's name power, events aren't hiring him for appearances and he's losing endorsement deals.  His friend predicts that he'll have to sell his Ferrari and drive a more practical Ford Focus.  I want to feel bad for this guy but I can't.  It's like he's a cartoon character.  He's been put in our reality because someone decided to put him there.  He's like Pokemon.  Sure Pokemon is nice but we wouldn't be worse off if it had never been put on paper.  I guess this is karma and it's going to send him back to whatever alley MTV dragged him out of.  Maybe The Situation can join the Occupy Movement and fist pump for equality in wealth.

Of all the celebrities I've posted, I think Ryan Gossling made my list of good people.  This week he was at a party hosted by Jimmy Kimmel.  When Gossling was getting ready to leave, he walked to all the servers at the party and gave them each a hundred dollar bill.  Jimmy Kimmel found out and approached Ryan and told him that all the tips were taken care of and he didn't have to tip anyone.  He laughed at Jimmy and continued to hand out money as he left.  So this Ryan Gossling is famous, good looking, and generous with his money.  That's the holy trinity for women.  How can I compete?  I bet next week there'll be a story about him keeping his pants up by fashioning a belt with his dick.  I would caution him to be careful with his reckless spending.  If he keeps up he may wind up being a Congressman.

Rihanna was feeling very patriotic this week by donning those American flag shorts.  GOD BLESS AMERICA!  Suddenly I find myself wanting to explore the Mississippi even though I have no clue what that's supposed to mean.

Ricky Martin has returned to the stage and is staring in the Dr. Seuss musical.  Here we see Ricky freestyling a new song and it goes a little something like this: "I will not eat it on a chair, I will not eat it with red hair, I will not eat it anywhere, I do not like golden cooch with glam."

AWESOME NEWS!  After a 9 year break, the Ricki Lake Show will be returning to the airwaves.  Rumor has it that up to 50% of the nation will get to see Ricki in all her glory.  I hope this brings back all those 90s trash talks shows.  Springer is still around so he doesn't count.  Jenny Jones...Richard Bey...Dick Dietrich...I have the most awkward boner.  I'm just thinking about Ricki and all those Geek to Chic makeovers and the blind dates between members of the Black Panthers and the KKK.  I hope it features real people instead of actors like Jerry, Steve Wilkos, and Maury.

Rev Run of Run DMC turned 47 this week.  So, how about it ladies, do you fancy Rev Run?  Be careful how you answer that question about this fine masculine specimen otherwise you'll hurt my feelings.

Friday was Regis Pilbin's last episode of Live.  He finally retired.  I think I will best remember him for all that spastic barking he did when hosting that show and also his work making people want to strangle him for taking commercials at the height of excitement on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.  He also brought us drunk Kathy Lee Gifford who had to drink just to put up with him.  Reeg will definitely be missed from TV but I'm sure he'll find his way back on a show and if not he'll just break down your door and shout at you for a half hour and then go on to the next house.

Paris Hilton was in Bali this week and she tweeted about how she found this stray dog on the street and she thought it was starving so she went into a restaurant and ordered an $80 steak.  She fed the steak to the dog.  Remember when Paris Hilton said she was the 99%?  Yeah, let's not occupy anything Paris related because if you do you'll probably turn up with numerous diseases.  She currently has 14 guys occupying her bedroom.

So what exactly does NBC stand for?  National Broadcasting and Censorship?  Nobody's Broadcast Company?  Nincompoops Buttheads Company?  Wait I know...NOTHING BUT CRAP!  I'd actually say "shit" but that doesn't fit.  This week NBC announced that they were basically canceling Community, one of the best shows on that channel that isn't named The Office or SVU.  They also announced that they were ordering more episodes of Whitney, a show that I've found to be virtually unwatchable, and will move it to Wednesday night to air before a new show called Are You There, Vodka, it's Chelsea, a show that's based on books written by Chelsea Handler.  I can't remember the number of seasons Community has had but given it's NBC, it was canceled at the height of popularity just like Friday Night Lights.  Hopefully the outcry will be such that another network picks it up and NBC airs it in the summer sort of like how they did with Friday Night Lights.  I bet the person that cut this show was the genius who cut Freaks and Geeks.  I just looked at their midseason lineup and 6 nights will feature reality programming.  Well they are in last place so they can do whatever they want and they are doing just that.  NBC has ordered a new TV show that is a remake to be made by the guy who created Pushing Daisies.  NBC has ordered a remake of The Munsters.  Yes, that's right...THE MUNSTERS!  I'm really at a loss for words but all I know is they better cast Ray Romano as Herman, Regis Pilbin as Grandpa, and Courtney Stodden as the dragon under the staircase.

This is Lottie Moss.  She is the younger sister of renowned drunk Kate Moss.  Lottie has followed in her older sister's steps and has started modeling.  Care to guess how old she is?  Look at the photo.  Study it.  Guess.  Nope, you're wrong.  She's 13.  When I was 13 years old, there were no girls that looked like that.

Friends of Lindsay Lohan told the National Enquirer this week that Lindsay still thinks her career is going strong and she's in a position to one day win an Oscar for her acting ability.  Shit, the only movie award that Lindsay will win is if the word "cum" is in the title.  The only way I can see her winning an Oscar is if she sleeps with every member of the Academy.  My guess is that she'll end up on reality TV by the end of 2012.

Poor Liam Neeson.  He peed his pants.  I hear that happens when you get older or suffer from alcoholism.

Here we see Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Carey Mulligan on the set of The Great Gatsby.  Yes, that mess is actually happening.  I grew to detest that book because I read it 3 years in high school and almost every semester in college and every time the teacher insisted that it was a classic.  I didn't agree but as I look at those dandies I have the urge to go do the Charleston.

Is it me or does Lady Gaga's hat look like a Pepto Bismal sperm?  People are saying that Lady Gaga fired one of her music collaborators because she compared Gaga to Madonna.  Before Gaga fired her she read up on Madonna's personal life and found out that Madonna once fired someone for comparing her to Patti Smith.

Kim Kardashian is a whore but I don't think she's a human whore.  I'm fairly certain that if you cut her open you'd find a robot inside that is fueled by straight cash, homey.  Just think about it.  Have you ever seen her eat?  Now, how many times have you seen her handle money or do things simply for money?  A book has been released that claims Kim used to love going out with her friends to have a good time but because she was pushed by her mother to be a fame whore Kim won't go out to clubs unless they pay her to make an appearance.  Also the book says that Kim demanded $60,000 to use a lipgloss on her reality show.  Really?  You don't need to pay her $60,000 to put something on her lips.  Just make sure it comes out of something shaped like a penis and that something shaped like a penis has a large bank account.  She'll do anything for that.  I'm surprised she isn't selling her own feces or used tampons at this point.  Last week I mentioned how a former publicist claimed that everything about Kim is scripted including her latest marriage.  What?  People don't get married on TV and then 72 days later get divorced on TV for love and $20million?  Well that publicist is now shopping a book he wrote about working for the Kardashians however he's facing a lawsuit because when he left the job he supposedly signed a confidentiality agreement.  The Kardashians are suing for $200,000.  Like they need any more money.  They're still sitting on piles of blood money their dad made by defending O.J. Simpson.  Screw, the Kardashians.  Let this guy say whatever he wants.  A report is saying that the next season of Kim's reality show will portray her as the victim in the divorce and show Kris Humphries as a lazy and incompetent oaf who holds Kim back from taking over the world and that she is very sad about the whole thing.  Kim Kardashian is sad because her business and TV show are being affected by her divorce, not because her marriage actually ended. The only thing this bitch truly loves is money.  Kim is telling people that she fears that if she disappears from the public eye for even a week, she'll disappear completely.  And with that, I will no longer talk about Kim Kardashian with the hopes that she'll disappear.  The only thing that will make me bring her back is sex tapes or nudity.  I'm a guy, what are you going to do about?  Come over to my house and make a true man out of me?  Ball's in your court, ladies.

Well maybe we'll talk more about Kim Kardashian's 16 year old sister, Kendall Jenner.  Kendall just turned 16 and had a Sweet 16 party that was possibly filmed by MTV.  She received a 2012 black Range Rover.  I guess all those Kardashian girls love to ride black things.  This family...can you believe them?  They have been exposed as frauds and whores and they feel there's no need to hide just because the world thinks they're trash.  Maybe Jerry Sandusky could learn something from them.  No, that's not possible.  They're females.

Kathy Griffin and Jesse Tyler Ferguson did some-why Lord WHY!

I title this story "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me 19 times..."  Kat Von D took to her Facebook page and announced that she believed in true love and that she found out that Jesse James cheated with 19 different women while they were together.  She said, "Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year ... Sure, its easy to tell someone, 'I told you so' especially if you're criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love. I know I deserve a big fat  'I told you so,' from everyone, and wish I didn't have to say, 'You all were more right than you'll ever know' but you were."  I feel bad for her.  It's not like Kat knew Jesse was a serial cheater.  She was totally fooled sort of like the time I went to Compton and was wearing my lucky red shirt and got shot at numerous times.  Oh wait...she DID and she was one of the women he cheated on his wife Sandra Bullock with.  I don't know how that guy has the time to cheat on her with 19 different women.  I'm starting to think that the only way he can find satisfaction is if he's cheating and the woman is wearing a swastika.  Well maybe Kat will luck out and get a reality show out of the ordeal since her other show was canceled.  Maybe they can call this one 19 Skanks and Counting.


Well it looks like the Maury special event paternity test to end all paternity tests won't happen because the DNA test won't happen because it turns out Mariah Yeater was trying to extort money.  She dropped her lawsuit against Justin Bieber but she still wants DNA.  The counsel for both sides said that there would be a private test conducted.  TMZ also obtained these text messages and in them Mariah urges the guy to stop referring to the baby as his.  I don't know.  I think she probably dropped the suit because Justin Bieber probably dropped a briefcase filled with money on her doorstep.  So, kids, what does history teach us?  If women want to make money in this world they can do one of two things with their vagina, either put something in it or push something out of it.  Then after that has happened they file the lawsuits.

Judge Joseph Wapner turned 92 this week.  I actually have to admit that I thought he was dead.  Even at age 92, he's better than most of the judges on TV.

Jay-Z showed his true colors this week and that color would be green.  Jay-Z has been making these Occupy Wall Street shirts in his Rocawear clothing line and he has made a nifty profit on them but hasn't donated any of the money to the cause which he promised.  That's how the 1% stays the 1%.  I think the most surprising thing is that his Rocawear clothing line is still around and the next most surprising thing is that a Kardashian didn't come up with that money making idea first but then they're too busy spreading their legs to attain fame.  I guess you can't blame the guy for being American and trying to stash away a few extra bucks since he's expecting a child who'll have to have a diamond rattle.

Danny DeVito turned 67 this week.  I think he's seen better days.  OK that's not DeVito in the brown shirt.  Look at the pink.  OK that's not Danny.  If you want to see what he looks like, look here.

This week Connie Britton adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia and named him Yobi.  She is recently divorced.  There is no word if she will raise the boy with the Latex Man.  I'd volunteer...gosh she sure is pretty.

Fun Fact #369 Coco's middle name is Elegance.  I'm thinking about hunting but I can't help but feel like a deer hypnotized by Coco's headlights.

Bradley Cooper was named sexiest man alive by People magazine.  Did all the other men on the planet die?  Wait, I'm writing this and let me check...yep, still there.  Did all the men on the planet besides me and Bradley Cooper die? 

Brad Pitt was recently interviewed for Australia's version of 60 Minutes and in the interview he said that he was going to retire from acting and three years and turn his focus to producing and directing.  And of course the internet went crazy with people imploring Brad not to retire.  I'm thinking he's saying this because the holiday season is fast approaching and he wants you to stock up on Brad Pitt DVDs for stocking stuffers.  Well after much outcry, Pitt released a statement saying he basically changed his mind and wasn't giving an exact timetable when he said three years.  He will continue acting.  I've read transcripts of the interview and the statement and I think Pitt has been hitting the bong a little too much.  He isn't coherent which makes me wonder how can he act in movies.  He also said he wants to take care of himself.  I hope that means going to Jiffy Lube to get his hair degreased.

YAY!  Anne Hathaway joined the Occupy Wallstreet movement and she had a sign that said, "Blackboards Not Bullets".  I'm thinking she has large investments in blackboard stock.  In TOTALLY unrelated news, Anne Hathaway once rented an apartment on Fifth Avenue in New York City that cost $65,000 a month.  You are not the 99%.

Joe Perry, Joey Kramer, and Steven Tyler of Aerosmith were out and about on vacation.  Tyler looks good considering the last time we saw him he was all beat up from falling in his shower.  He should be careful in that water.  Maybe they got him a walker.  OK, ladies, I'll leave you now so you can go to your fappy places.

I have lost all respect for Adrianne Curry.  We all know that paper towels should be hung over instead of going under.  I thought they taught that stuff in grade school.  She should be ashamed.  Oh and boobs.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

What a night!  I guess I shouldn't use an exclamation mark because it wasn't that exciting but in grammar when you start a phrase with an interrogative pronoun and it isn't a question you use an exclamation mark.  Anyway I watched some TV and was relaxing.  I love The Office this evening.  I was worried that the show wouldn't be that good without Steve Carrell but it actually works so much so that when I see syndicated episodes I feel weird seeing Michael.  Erin is such a rube and I love it and then the Battle of Schrute Farm...OMG!  Too funny.  I tried watching Whitney and only made it 3 minutes into the show.  It's so awful.  So I decide that I'm going to try to have a healthy snack and finally eat a persimmon I bought last weekend.  I've never had a persimmon and this was the first time I've ever seen one in a store.  I've seen trees for sale and have thought that if I liked the fruit I may plant a new tree.  I take a bite and notice it has an interesting flavor and texture.  I take another bite and think...hmmm my mouth feels funny.  This is weird.  Bite three.  I can't swallow.  OH MY GAWD SOMETHING IS WRONG!  My throat is swelling and it feels like my mouth has turned to gravel.  I quick grab and inhaler and take a puff.  I'm breathing and I spit out the fruit.  I run to my kitchen and put my mouth under the water faucet and start drinking so I can wash my mouth out.  I think I had an allergic reaction.  I threw out the remainder of the fruit and said "Never again."  I'm still still rinsing my mouth out and now I think I'm developing heart burn.  That was so freaky.  Then I watch It's Always Sunny and The League.  That show was awful in a good way.  Then I caught some Law and Order Criminal Intent and saw Jim from The Office playing a high school basketball player.  Times like tonight make me wish I wasn't alone.  Times like this make me want links...oh here they are.

1.  I was at Walmart the other day looking at movies, specifically Pirates of the Caribbean 4.  I wanted to buy it but I have no use for a BluRay disc so I figured why spend $15 extra for something I won't use.  Then it hit me.  There are so many pirate movies out there.  Here are some you won't see in Walmart.

2.  Another thing I've noticed as far as movie trends go is that there are a lot of vampire movies out there.  In fact I think Twilight opens today.  I like vampires but not the sparkly wussy kind.  I've often wondered if people truly feared those creatures.  Well here's a collection of actual vampire hunting kits so I guess that answers my question.  Has anyone out there read Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

3.  I often use puns on this site because let's face it, the pun is the funniest form of humor.  Well here are some puns that you might think are quite punny.

4.  If you know one thing about me, you'll know I like video games.  I'm not to hip on the new stuff but old school games were my thing.  Some of the best video games were series games like Double Dragon, Mario, Megaman, Street Fighter, Madden, etc.  Well sometimes the company put out a game just to make a buck and it was quite obvious.  Here is a list of some of the worst games in beloved series.  #6...the name alone tells you it was bad.

5.  I hear there are some of you who enjoy sexual relations.  I have no clue what those are.  Here's a list from everyone over at Lovelyish's favorite website, College Candy, talking about the worst places to have sex.

6.  Here's another site that offers a he said/she said guide to the worst places to have sex.  No backseat of a Volkswagen?

7.  A couple weeks ago I went overboard with the Halloween costume links.  Here's one last link to the best Halloween costumes of this year.

8.  I have to admit something to you fellow Xangans.  I created a Tumblr.  This site on Tumblr is my favorite Tumblr.  It's called Facts and Chicks.

9.  I'm not entirely sure about the background of this Tumblr.  It's a guy who is doing the Occupy Wallstreet but he's also protesting things sports related.  He also goes to College Gameday so he can Occupy Herbstreit.  If you like the college sports you may enjoy.

10.  I know I've posted this site before but it's a good one.  If you've read this site for some time you'll know that I have a distaste for the Food Network.  Anyway, this site is called Food Network Humor.  I have to say it's pretty funny.

11.  I remember watching the first few seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I enjoyed it but over time it lost it's aura because the Star Trek market got watered down with all the different variations of the show.  Well there was always rumors about an eighth season because the actors were contracted for an eighth season, it was never produced.  Well here is a site that has tweets from a twitter account that features possible plotlines for the unaired 8th season.

12.  Have you ever have a job interview that went poorly?  Have you ever had a job interview go so bad that you bit the interviewer?  Read this.

And because some of you don't like words...

The only thing I can think of for this one is...Darwin.

That's what I would end up buying if someone bought me Guy Fieri DVDs.

If Jerry Sandusky is executed for his crimes, this will be his last meal.

She'll live on and on.

That's how I plan my knuckle children.

I think I'm going to try this.

I love math almost as much as I love Jell-o Pudding Pops.  I wish they still made them but I suppose I could make Jell-o Pudding and put a stick in it and then put it in my freezer so I can have my own pudding pops.

Connect the dots...la-la-la-la...connect the dots.

Connect the dots...la-la-la-la...connect the dots.

Well I don't like to brag but I think this post made me do just that.

I just realized that I am wearing a Monty Python t-shirt and sweatpants.  How awesome would that be if I died and they found me wearing that?  Maybe they'd think I was doing the dead parrot skit.

I haven't done one of these for a couple of weeks so I thought I'd bring it back because I've found more tattoos, some of a questionable nature.  In my last post @peridot21 asked for more Elvis tattoos...well here you go.

Hunk a hunk a rotting flesh

Did you know Elvis was cross-eyed?  Neither did I?

Vampire Elvis will suck your blood and then eat all your peanut butter and bananas.

A lot of people think that when you die that your hair and fingernails keep growing.  It's just the flesh receding.  Anway, corpse Elvis has some awesome hair for being a corpse.

I can't tell if this is zombie samurai Elvis or vampire samurai Elvis.

You know you don't see many tattoos of Elvis when he was...ahem...larger.  Well here's large zombie Elvis.  He really seems to be Takin' Care of Brains.

Here's larger zombie Elvis.  I never knew brains weren't healthy for you to eat.

This zombie Elvis is quite the singer, he sings out of the side of his mouth as well.  He also has quite the ventriloquist act.

At first I thought this was Michael Jackson but then I realized that Michael Jackson was white.

"Your brains were always on my mind"
In my last post @godfatherofgreenbay asked for more board game related tattoos.

OK so maybe it's not a board game.  Maybe it's just that guy's favorite exclamation during sex.

Would you like to have surgery from a surgeon who has this tattoo on his arm?

I don't think that mouse trap would catch anything, especially not girls.  It would be impressive if he had the whole trap tattooed on his body and it was interactive.

You guessed "7"?  YOU GUESSED "7"!

I don't know what Dzienis is but I think I know 5 across is sex.  Also I love how soccer is falling apart.

It would be impossible to be a criminal with a Colonel Mustard tattoo.  They'd always suspect you.

I bet if SOPA passes this tattoo will get Xanga shutdown because that guy is definitely infringing on copyrights.  Great tattoos but that artist is no Van Gogh.

Keep it real...real awesome.  Wait, is that Tupac in the background?  He's still alive you know.

I'd like to have that whole world in my hands.

Well it looks like Kelly is a load of fun.

I hope you enjoyed

I figure I may as well post this now because it's bound to get here sooner or later and I wanted to be the one who posted this.  Somehow nude and sex pics featuring yours truly with my last girlfriend leaked on Tumblr last night.  I have no clue how they were accessed but somehow there they were.  Well if you are curious, here they are.

She said she didn't think they were that big.

She started singing that Katy Perry song about the lollipop at this point.

She's the one who brought the handcuffs.

I think we did everything in the Kama Sutra.  I think this one was called Flexing Grasshopper Laughing Dog.

I have no clue why I was wearing a top hat and a monocle but she I wasn't second-guessing her when she let me do that to her.

I hope she's not lactose intolerant.

I'd thought I'd also include the video if you want to watch it all transpire.

OK, time to get serious.  There were no nude pics and no sex.  I'm still celibate.  What I was trying to do here was show you what will happen if the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) is passed.   When you think of it, stopping online piracy sounds like a good thing but this could change the internet as we know it.  The entertainment industry will be able to block or censor sites that they think violates copyright infringement.  The vagueness of this bill could affect sites you use every day.  Sites like Youtube, Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, eBay, Myspace, Megaupload, Esty, Livejournal, Mediafire, WordPress, Wikipedia, Google, all forum sites, and the site you're reading this on...Xanga.

I can understand that the entertainment industry isn't thrilled with people illegally downloading and transmitting their products without paying for it but the issue isn't if you support, oppose, or don't care about this act.  SOPA will allow companies to block the domain names of websites that seemingly encourage or are capable of allowing online piracy.

Kids, this means that if the old godfatherofgreenbay wrote a few posts about downloading music or TV shows, the people at an entertainment company could block the domain name of Xanga.  They can't block the IP address of Xanga, they can just block the domain name so technically you could still access Xanga but only if you knew the IP address.  The bill is flawed because it will not stop online piracy.  It's just going to stop people promoting piracy.  If it's possible to post pirated material on the site, then a claim can be filed against the website.  What could bring it down?  It could be something like posting a copyrighted image in a post or leaving a positive comment about online piracy in the comment box.  If a site is found to violate this act they will have 5 days to appeal and when running the risk of copyright infringement the company will err on the side of caution and remove the material. 

What can you do?  Educate yourself.  Read through this post about what all the bill entails.  Also, read through the actual bill and see how vague and draconian it is.  Next, contact your congressman and not by email since most of the time they don't spend time reading emails.  They'll just send you a form letter saying that they appreciate your comments.  CALL THEM!  Flood their phone lines.  Sign petitions.  Get the word out.  This bill has been fast-tracked in Congress so we need to get the word out now.

Sign a petition here.  Contact your Congressman.

There are three sizes of condoms…small, medium, and liar.

Did you know that the new iPhones and iPads float on water?  If you have either you should really try it.  SERIOUSLY, TRY IT!  A 90 year old guy bought an iPhone and he came back the next day because he said he couldn’t work it.  The store clerk took it and it worked just fine.  He asked the old man what seemed to be the problem and the old man said, “I press home and it doesn’t take me home.  I sat at the bus stop all goddamn day.”  Watching the elderly handle an iPhone or iPad is like watching a cat play with a dangling string.

A recent study found that guys who wear fanny packs are less likely to get in a girl’s fanny.  I can't believe I just said "fanny".

Thanksgiving is coming up and that means it’s time for my family’s favorite game to resume.  It’s called “Out Asshole the Asshole”.  Basically, I just act like myself.

When my parents wanted me to watch less TV and read more, I turned the closed captioning on while watching TV.  Best of both world, baby.

You know why women ask so many questions?  It’s because they have an extra why chromosome.

My dick is like a ninja.  Even when you can’t see it, you know it’s there.  He’s probably just hiding in my fat.

Experts discovered that 98% of people can’t touch their teeth with their tongue.  Experts went on to say that 100% of people reading touched their teeth with their tongue.

They are remaking the movie “The Never Ending Story” but they are changing the story to a guy who asked his wife how her day went.

President Obama has spearheaded a study to find ways to put out of work veterans back to work other than the Republicans plan of invading Iran.

You can’t spell Penn State University without “penis taster”.  And you can’t spell “I’m in a beautiful relationship” without “bullshit”.

Archeologists have found evidence that ancient Greek homes doubled as bars and brothels so this explains why fraternities and sororities have Greek names.

I always found it odd that my former girlfriend would let me put my tongue anywhere on her body but she wouldn’t let me drink from the milk jug.  Maybe that was her way of telling me she was dirty.

The odds of an NBA season happening this year are about the same as the chances of LeBron James actually winning a championship.

Whoever came up with the term “less is more” was never broke or didn’t have a small penis.

You can tell things are going well in Green Bay when there’s disappointment in the air when the Packers have to settle for a field goal.

Have you ever wondered why women’s Jell-o wrestling isn’t an Olympic sport?

Joe Paterno is seeking legal aide for a potential lawsuit against Penn State for wrongful termination.  It’s too bad that the only lawyer who will help him is named Grimm Reaperstein.

November 16^th is National Vagina Appreciation Day…just kidding…every day is vagina appreciation day.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Every time I hear a girl say that size doesn’t matter, I get a bit closer to finally taking the rolled up socks out of the front of my pants.

The NBA players aren’t worried about being locked out and able to drive it to the hole because they have Kim Kardashian for that now that she’s no longer married.

You should put a dollar bill in a jar every time you masturbate.  Don’t believe me?  I dictated this post to my assistant in the back of my own limousine.

John Huntsman seems like a reasonable and nice guy which automatically disqualifies him from winning the GOP nomination.

What do Jerry Sandusky and Michael Jackson have in common?  They’re both white.  What did you think I was going to say?

Do girls still find it attractive when a guy sings “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” in a crowded bar?

The news that Community has virtually been canceled is almost as bad as hearing “the condom broke” or “we’re out of bacon”.

Whenever I hear someone say they are going to do something “Texas style” I imagine that means they are going to execute something mentally handicapped.

Women aren’t as shallow as you think.  I’ve gotten plenty of attention from ladies for making them laugh.  It also helps having a big dick and piles of money.

I blame people’s problems with not being able to distinguish between “were” and “where” on Twilight and the growing popularity of wherewolves.

A dude with a ponytail and a sweater vest once made fun of my soulpatch and hoodie.  A blackhole of douchiness was created and it sucked up three hipsters in Minneapolis.

I was going to make a joke about how marijuana causes memory loss but I couldn’t remember it.

There are few Xangans that I won’t name by name but I’m sure you know who I dislike by this point that are what it would look like if urinal cakes took on a human form.

The difference between Xanga and Tumblr is the same difference as calling a girl cute or pretty.

New Xanga motto contest…Xanga: Bring the Drama of the Outside World to Your Home Computer.

Apparently there are new levels of dating: 1^st date=kiss, 2^nd date=blowjob, 3^rd date=sex, 4^th date=anal sex, 5^th date=tell your lover about your Xanga account and if they aren’t revolted then you’ve found true love.

People often say that Xanga is like high school.  If I went to high school with as many horrible people there are on Xanga I would’ve burnt that place to the ground.

Because I'm late to the Duggar bashing party:

#caturday I really don't have nothing witty to say other than the University of Minnesota's football really sucks.

Es kommt nach Hause.

I was going to kill two birds with one stone and have this post be a Caturday post and a post about the Duggars.  I don't think it worked after looking at it a few times.  If you got to see the Duggar version...well lucky you.  I'll save that post for a little later.

Well I'm alive and so are all of you.  There was no Rapture or Mayan calendar falling out of the sky and the nation-wide emergency broadcast didn't happen today because an asteroid hit the earth.  I was up at 5 to drive to the airport.  I was thinking I was supposed to go to Chicago but once we got on the interstate I was told I only had to go as far as Madison and my aunt would hop on a shuttle for the rest of the way.  Sad face.  I wanted to go to Chicago and explore. Oh well, I was down on the UW campus and got a copy of The Onion.  It seems so right that I get a copy of The Onion in the place where it originated.  I drove home and chilled and caught up on sleep.  I also felt sentimental as I put my fishing poles away.  Today also sucked because I put $45 worth of gas in my vehicle.  I also broke an ice scraper scraping off my windshield.  Anyway enough of my shit.  Time for a round-up.

Former pornstar and now mainstream actress, Sasha Grey, has caused an uproar over appearing in a first grade classroom and reading to the students to promote a charity named Reading Across America.  The school that invited her to read only knew about her appearances in Entourage and not her porn career.  After people started complaining the school denied that she read to students even though this photo went out across the internet.  I'm pretty sure the children's innocence was preserved and they were fine even though a person who had sex read to them.  It could've been worse.  Kim Kardashian could've read to them and she's a whore and can't read.  I bet you'd hear plenty of kids yelling, "SOUND IT OUT YOU STUPID BITCH!"  Sasha didn't get in front of the class and demonstrate what she once did for a living.  Maybe kids should be taught the nuances of ass to mouth and double penetration if they ever hope to get into a prestigious college some day.  I guess I shouldn't judge because I don't have kids and once upon a time I had sex so I guess I'm just as guilty as Sasha.  Parents need to learn that she was just reading to kids and not teaching them how to use a double-sided dildo.  Sasha released a statement saying she was going to tackle childhood illiteracy the same way she tackled cocks in Butt Sex Bonanza: "I committed to this program with the understanding that people would have their own opinions about what I have done, who I am and what I represent.  I am an actor. I am an artist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a partner. I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am.  I believe in the future of our children, and I will remain an active supporter and participant in education-focused initiatives."  You know Sasha Grey once won an Adult Movie Award for Best Oral Sex for her movie Throat: A Cautionary Tale.  If someone is going to read aloud to children I guess it should be someone who is known for their oral skills.  It's been a while but isn't oral sex just talking about sex?  Sasha does make a good point.  First graders can barely read and she can read.  If she wants to help them then we should shut up unless parents contribute the time and effort she has. 

This is Rihanna's 8500 sq. ft. 10 bedroom house.  She bought it for $7million but after living there for a short time she has put it on the market for only $2million.  She claims that it is poorly constructed, has many leaks, and is in dire need of repairs.  I guess that will teach celebrities to research their houses before they buy them because they have a high price tag.  So if you have $2million you can buy Rihanna's fixer-upper.  The only way the house could be worse is if it was located in Detroit. 

A former reality show person...I can't bring myself to say star...is claiming that she's four months pregnant and the father is Mel Gibson.  Laura Bellizzi of Secrets of Aspen is pregnant and friends close to her claim Mel is the father however Laura's lawyer issued a statement saying Mel wasn't the father.  Friends say she told them he was the father but she wants to keep it a secret because she's afraid of the media circus it would create.  Well her last name is Bellizzi so I can safely assume she isn't Jewish so I guess that's good for all parties involved.

LOST star Matthew Fox is suing the woman who has accused him of punching her in the vagina.  A while back a female bus driver on a private party bus said Matthew tried to board the bus but she refused to let him on and a drunken Matthew allegedly punched her square in the vagina.  He's suing because he claims that her telling everyone that he's a dirty vagina puncher has caused him to receive ridicule and lose work and not be cast in any movies or TV.  I'm all about punching vaginas but not out of drunken anger, out of love and with my dude piston.  You have to listen to vaginas and hear what they want and if you have a small penis you have to do a lot of listening...trust me.

Star of the TV show, The King of Queens, Lou Ferrigno turned 60 today.  I also think he was in something called The Incredible Hulk.  I included this for the ladies.  How am I supposed to compete with that?

This past weekend Lindsay Lohan tried to get into a party but apparently saying, "I'm Lindsay Lohan" doesn't exactly make the doorman let you in these days.  I doubt Lindsay could get a seat at IHOP these days.  Lindsay showed up at a party thrown by Leonardo DiCaprio after the premier of J. Edgar.  Party security wouldn't let Lindsay enter and she started arguing with security and tell them that she had to go see Leo.  They eventually let her in but when she went in everyone avoided her and Leo kept security between the two of them at all times so she couldn't get to him.  I found out that the party had free booze and of course Lindsay would be there.  Here's a note to all celebrities.  If you don't want Lindsay at your parties, have a cash bar.  She's allergic to them.  After going to the party Lindsay went home and prepared herself to serve her thirty day sentence.  She checked into the jail at 8:48PM on the 6th and was released at 1:30AM on the 7th.  She served a thirty day sentence in 4 hours and 42 minutes.  I've had sex that lasted longer than that.  I hope she learned her lesson.  If she messes with the legal system, she's going to miss the end of a football game.  Seriously, what does this bitch have to do to spend more time than a Redbox rental in jail? Steal the Hope Diamond? Shoot up heroin on Good Morning America? Kill a baby on a paid webcam show? EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE HAVE TO DO? I could illegally park and get more jail time than this.  Also people are claiming that Lindsay's recent Playboy photoshoot is exactly like one she already did.  I posted the photos when she did them but I'm too lazy to find them.  So once again they have her channeling Marilyn Monroe.  Maybe they should keep having Lindsay channel Marilyn Monroe since it ended so well for her.

Leonardo DiCaprio turned 37 this week.  I don't really get what this photo is about.  I thought some reader may know.  Are we supposed to swoon for swans?

LeeAnn Rimes was backstage at some country awards show with Miss Piggy.  Is it weird that I find the puppet more attractive?

I think this may be the first time in the world that anyone has ever felt sorry for a cigarette.  That's not any dig about her weight like some people think I do.  It's a dig against crazy-ass Kirstie Alley.  She's seriously crazy but then you'd have to be to be associated with Scientology.

Kim Kardashian has caused an uproar for a movie that hasn't filmed yet.  As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Kim was cast for a Tyler Perry movie tentatively titled The Marriage Counselor.  Tyler Perry's films are geared toward a predominately religious crowd.  Imagine their surprise when he hired a porn star to play in one of his movies.  A group has said they will boycott this movie because they claim that Kim Kardashian uses black men for money and sex.  Tyler Perry has said that the movie will go on as planned.  Also this week, Kim was followed by cameras to Minneapolis where she met with Kris Humphries and the pastor who married them.  I can only assume Kim was paid for their special reunion and it will be milked by E!.  One of Kim's former publicists was on a radio show and he talked about all the moments they staged on the show that everyone thought was "reality".  He said they were in a mall and Kim's mom, Kris Jenner, wanted Kim to get some more publicity so they went to a ring store and bought a ring to make it look like Reggie Bush had proposed to her.  This publicist began working for Kim the day her sex tape was released and he said that she wasn't upset at all and in fact he was led to believe that she leaked it herself.  He also believes that her recent marriage and divorce was staged.  WHAT?  SAY IT ISN'T SO!  The backlash against this brothel of Armenian whores has been pretty strong in the past couple of weeks and it is making this world a better place.  Why I just saw a unicorn flying through a double rainbow and a rose growing through concrete and puppies pulling wagons filled with kittens.  Just imagine how great this place will be once they go away for good.

Whoever did Katy Perry's hair and make-up must've been seeking revenge.  She looks like the way her music sounds.  You know she's not able to keep her Christian life held down while she sings about having sex with a girl and giving you a blowjob if you come to California...hahaha she said lollipop.  Now Katy is saying she wants to go the Michelle Dugar route and have a lot of kids.  She said: "I think that's one of the reasons you get married.  Especially to the person you marry. You think, that person is going to be a good partner, a good parent. But, I'm not sure it's time yet. We'll see, ya know?  If it doesn't hurt the first time, I'll keep popping them out!"  I'm torn about this because on the one hand her boobs will get even bigger and on the other hand her boobs will get even bigger.  I guess I'm not torn after all.  Proceed.

This is Jonathon Lipnicki.  Remember him, the little kid in that Jerry Maguire movie?  He's now 21 and he took these odd photos of himself wrestling another man.  Here we seem him pulling the other guy's head into Jonathon's crotch.  I forget what that hold is called.  I have no word as to why he took these photos.  I can only guess that Lipnicki is trying to get into the Church of Scientology and Tom Cruise suggested that his entrance fee be that set of photos.

Heavy D, of Heavy D and the Boys, passed away this week.  He collapsed and was unconcious for a short time.  The ambulances arrived and Heavy was awake and talking with paramedics but then when he was in transit he died.  He was 44.  He sent out a tweet not long before he died and it simply said, "BE INSPIRED!"  He will be missed.

This week, the man they had pegged to produce the Oscars, Brett Ratner, went on Howard Stern's show and gave very graphic details about his sex life including that he sends girls to his personal doctor to get checked for diseases before he beds them.  He was also asked about rehearsing for the Oscars and Ratner said, "Rehearsal is for fags."  Well a few days later Ratner stepped down as producer for what he says are artistic differences.  Artistic differences my ass!  How can he claim he's artistic when he has Rush Hour on his resume?  Brett Ratner alienated the only demographic that gives a shit about the show he was hired to produce. The only way he could have pissed more Hollywood suits off is if he also closed with a Holocaust joke.  Ratner had convinced Eddie Murphy to host that mess and because Ratner is no longer producing, Murphy stepped down as host.  Thank god because I'm sure the above character would've made it on stage.  I was going to start two petitions as to who the next host would be, either Betty White or Courtney Stodden.  However before I could get the ball rolling, the new producers announced that Billy Crystal would once again be hosting the awards show.  Billy tweeted this: "Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up my prescriptions. Looking forward to the show"  I know Billy's about as enjoyable as watching paint dry but it's better than Norbit and Rush Hour.

Coco was spotted on the beach in Miami this week.  Al Gore needs to thank her profusely because it looks like Coco is singlehandedly or is that singleassedly stopping the rising ocean levels with that ass.

Bil Keane, creator of The Family Circus, died this week of congestive heart failure at the age of 89.  The Family Circus debuted in 1960 and is currently in 1500 publications worldwide.   Keane once said, We are, in the comics, the last frontier of good, wholesome family humor and entertainment.  On radio and television, magazines and the movies, you can’t tell what you’re going to get. When you look at the comic page, you can usually depend on something acceptable by the entire family.”  He will be missed.  His son Jeffy has been helping him for the past few years and will more than likely take over the full strip.


Everyone knows that Avril Lavigne is such a kind, warm, compassionate, and decent human being so it is such a shock that she got into a fight with a stranger.  Wait...it's not.  She's awful.  She picked a fight with a person at a club and their words got pretty heated.  Her boyfriend, Brody Kardashian Jenner, intervened and while he was pulling Avril away, he was hit in the head with a bottle.  Hotel security broke up the fight and Avril took off to avoid police and when police came they viewed Brody, who was the only one involved that was still there, as the victim of assault with a deadly weapon.  Well this story confirms what I know about Avril.  She's a bratty, entitled, instigating little shit. Brody helped her out, so she left him bleeding to deal with cops alone. The only way she could be a better girlfriend would be to kick him in the nuts when he comes home to find her screwing one of his friends.  Is it fair to say that Avril Lavigne is finished? I mean, come on. When was the last time anyone said "I can't wait until the new Avril album drops." Now things have gotten so bad that she's staging fake fights.  The bottom photo is the aftermath of her fight.  Was she attacked by a human or a bear?  Those sort of look like sex scratches.  In Avril's defense, this is the first time I've thought she's ever looked punk rock.

After this week, Ashton Kutcher has been cast in a new movie called "Dude, Where's My Brain?"  Ashton was one of the first celebrities to embrace Twitter and he has made a lot of interesting and noteworthy tweets over the years but none have been as noteworthy as one he sent out this week: "How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste."  This is sort of interesting since just a year or so ago Kutcher and his wife Demi Moore used Twitter to spearhead a campaign to end child sex slavery.  You can imagine the tweets that came pouring in.  Kutcher went on to say this: "Heard Joe was fired, fully recant previous tweet! Didn't have full story. #admitwhenYoumakemistakes." and "As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case." and Honestly just had half facts man my bad ... I need 2b more responsible 4 my voice."  He went on later and said that he was finished with Twitter and he pulled down those tweets.  He was persuaded to come back but he said that he would consult a publicist before he pushed send.  If you were unsure whether or not most celebrities were lemmings who just attached themselves to causes and issues to make themselves seem smarter than monkeys who read words written by other people, well I think you have proof.  Ashton Kutcher made anti-sex slavery PSAs but he can't be bothered to know that the Penn State showers were a romper room and his ignorance shines forth.  The guy has 8million followers on Twitter and he doesn't know about the only story in the news and the only mention of Joe Paterno in years.  He thought the firing was a football thing?  Yes Ashton, Joe Paterno was fired because his offense just hasn't been scoring enough points this season. You're either incredibly dense, or a really bad liar. I'm going with both.  I also view Ashton as a little bitch.  Last week during tapings of Two and a Half Men he broke down and started crying.  He went and ran to a corner and had to be consoled by castmate Jon Cryer whose first marriage ended in divorce.  The interesting thing is that when Charlie Sheen started having his breakdown Cryer told him to get help and don't do it again.  Now Cryer is giving that same advice to Kutcher.  If Jon Cryer is the one who was giving Charlie Sheen advice then Ashton better run.  What could he teach Ashton?  How to get women through pity?  The best way to get over it is to go out and get hookers and coke just like Charlie Sheen did.  OK, maybe Jon Cryer did give good advice.

This week, Andy Rooney died.  He died after suffering complications from a minor surgery.  He was 92.  It's interesting how he died 6 weeks after he retired.  I always enjoyed reading and listening to his material.  Sometimes he was right, sometimes he was wrong and sometimes he said crazy-ass shit.  And throughout all of that he didn't give a shit what anyone said about him or his work.  Here are a couple of my favorite quotes:  "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."  Good night, grouchy prince.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I sincerely mean that so don't doubt me.