December 3, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 12/2/11

  This Pac-12 championship game is pretty boring.  The only thing saving it is Gus Johnson talking about UCLA is clawing their way back into it but they are down 25 points going into the 4th quarter.  UCLA being in that game is a joke but USC has to pay a price for paying their players.  My life is boring.  Time for the round-up. 

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Uma Thurman was spotted at the Snowflake Ball hosted by UNICEF.  You know, I think I finally see what Quentin Tarantino sees in her.
  
  Sofia Vergara should be on more magazine covers and I would hope those magazines would be in English.  I'm not to fluent in that language but I'm pretty sure it's about motorboating.
  
  Sarah Silverman turned 41 this week.  Oh gee whiz.  I adore her.  She looks young for her age.  I always assumed she was in her 20s but then I'm an idiot when it comes to gauging a person's age.  I'd love to be with her although she would have to do something with her hair problem.
  
  Sara Gilbert, of Roseanne and CBS' version of The View fame, broke up with her long time life partner not so long ago but she was recently spotted with a new flame.  When I saw this new girlfriend I stopped, looked at the photo and then said, "HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea!" I said, "hey, what's going on?"  I hope someone gets this.  Her girlfriend is Linda Perry of the band 4 Non Blondes.  It looks like they must be in love because they are spending so much time together and have no time to shower.
  
  This is Ryan Kwanten.  He turned 35 this week.  Why did I include him?  He plays the dimwitted brother on True Blood and I kind of like that show.  Also I realize I tend to post a lot of girls and most of my readers are attracted to men so I guess this will have to suffice.  Enjoy.
  
  Oh here's another one for the ladies.  Pierce Brosnan was spotted in Hawaii.  It looks like he really enjoyed Thanksgiving.  Remember when that guy was one of the biggest sex symbols in the world?
  
  Patrice O'Neal passed away this week at the age of 41 from complications of a stroke he suffered in October.  He was best known for his stand-up comedy.  He also appeared on Web Junk, Arrested Development, and The Office.  The Sea Monster will be greatly missed.
  
  Paris Hilton bought a $300,000 Ferrari on Black Friday.  OUTRAGEOUS!  Paris has spoiled a brand that is synonymous with performance, sophistication, and quality.  Now the Ferrari brand will be associated with washed-up whore, wonk eye, and Valtrex.  Cancel my order.  I'll stick with the other Italian high performance car, the Fiat 500. 
  
  Pamela Anderson has decided to rent out her Malibu beach house because she no longer spends time in California.  Her house is right on the beach and boasts a private pool, decks on all floors of the house, a sauna with TVs, views of the ocean and mountains, a home theater that rivals some movie theaters, baby grand piano, and iPad docks that can control music and videos through out the whole house.  All of this could be yours for the low price of $75,000 a month.  Just keep in mind that hazmat suits aren't provided.
  
  This is Mindy McCready.  She's a former country star and a current mess.  She's been arrested numerous times and has sold off her body to buy prescription drugs while she was pregnant.  Well she made people assume the worst this week when an Amber Alert was issued in Florida this week because her son Zander was reported missing.  Mindy's mother has custody of Zander and Mindy can only visit Zander when he is with his father.  Mindy took Zander from his father's house however she claims she didn't kidnap him and take him to Nashville.  She said she can't kidnap what is hers.  The police in Florida spoke with Mindy and Zander through Skype of all things to make sure he was OK and that his mother wasn't trying to trade him for meth or something like it.  Mindy is an alumnus of the wonderful Dr. Drew's rehab.  That Dr. Drew sure works wonders!  Remember the episode when Mackenzie Phillips found Mindy having seizures and she just laughed at her because Mackenzie thought Mindy was faking?  Yeah, that's how I feel about Mindy and Dr. Drew right now.  Man, her life really has turned into a country song.
  
  Miley Cyrus confirmed something everyone already knew.  She admitted at her birthday party that she was a big stoner.  Wait, you mean to tell me that a girl who can't go a minute without saying the word "like" love the ganja?  WELL I NEVER!  Miley said this: "You know you’re a stoner when friends make you a Bob Marley cake. You know you smoke way too much fuckin’ weed."  NO!  Miley Cyrus smokes weed.  How will she ever pass a urine test when she gets hired to work at McDonald's?  At this point, if she's admitted to being a stoner she may as well cash in on it and become a spokesperson for Doritos or Funyuns.  Wake me up when she's turned into Lindsay Lohan and has real issues with things like meth, heroin, and employment.  She said that in front of her parents too but then I don't think they'll ground her because she pays for everything including her mother's Valtrex and Plan B birth control after she had sex with Bret Michaels. 
  
  I never really cared for Hulk Hogan.  I was more of a Rowdy Roddy Piper and Macho Man and Ultimate Warrior and Million Dollar Man fan but I feel so bad for the Hulkster after I heard about his divorce settlement with his wife Linda.  Court filings report that Linda will receive 70% of their liquid assets, 40% ownership of their companies, and a $3million share of their property holdings.  She received $7.44million dollars and Hulk was left with $2.9million.  The only bright side to all of that is that Hulk will not have to pay alimony.  Let this be a lesson to all wealthy, iconic, and famous celebrities out there.  NEVER GET MARRIED.  Why sacrifice so much for a fling that isn't grateful?  If you're as smooth as someone like me, you don't need to put a ring on a chick's finger to get a girl to have sex with you.  All you need to do is buy her the occasional flower bouquet, take her to a nice dinner, and make sure you're never late when picking her up after she's done with her classes.
  
  Lily Allen gave birth this week to a baby.  Publicists from Lily's camp have remained silent however two of her friends took to Twitter and made the announcement.  They haven't announced the name but her friends are calling the baby Mini Cooper because the father's surname is Cooper.  How clever!  this is such great news for Lily because she has suffered multiple miscarriages and a still birth last November.  Maybe if the baby is a girl they could name her Minnie or better yet to fulfill my nerd fantasies they could name her Winnie.
  
  Lady Gaga has been a champion of AIDS research and fund-raising so it didn't surprise anyone when she announced on World AIDS Day that she has flawless skin because she has lots of orgasms and the only thing she looks for in a man is if he has a Harvard degree or a big dick.  Happy World AIDS Day!  She also went on to say: "I have an inability to know what happiness feels like with a man.  I have this effect on people where it starts out good. Then, when I'm in these relationships with people who are also creative, or creative in their own way, what happens is the attraction is initially there and it's all unicorns and rainbows. And then they hate me."  Ugh...Lady Gaga talking about beauty and creative is like the Taliban talking about raising pigs.  This doesn't explain why Popeye is more attractive than her but when she talks about dating guys who like unicorns and rainbows it doesn't help her case in denying that she has a penis. 
  
  Kate Moss posed for the cover of Vogue as David Bowie's character Ziggy Stardust.  When asked why she did, Kate simply said that David Bowie was inspirational. The real reason is that Kate has snorted tons of stardust in her life.
  
  Kaley Cuoco turned 26 this week.  Not much to say about her other than she looks good in a bikini and she's on a "meh" TV show.
  
  Jessica Simpson showed off her pregnant belly and her boyfriend whatever his name is at some event this week.  A lot of people give her crap for being fat but I think she looks beautiful.  I mean she has to be at least 5 months pregnant.  Of course a woman is going to look "large" with a mini-keg attached to her abs.
  
  Here Jessica was spotted holding her nephew Bronx Mowgli.  Well it really looks like pregnancy agrees with her and there's one reason why. Scratch that, there are two reasons why pregnancy seems to agree with her.  It's now official.  Her boobs are bigger than her brains.
  
  Jaleel White turned 35 this week.  He is best known for playing Steve Urkel on Family Matters.  Here's a little known fact about Jaleel White.  His catchphrase as Urkel was, "Did I do that?"  Well he got that from his mom who said that her husband, Jaleel's father, said that during his childbirth after he slipped after her water broke and he knocked out a nurse and doctor.
  
  This is Jackie Stallone.  She is the mother of Sylvester Stallone.  She turned 90 this week.  Did you know that Jackie is a practitioner of the the ancient art known as "Rumpology"?  For those that don't know, rumpology is an art in which the lines, cracks, crevices, dimples and folds of your butt can be used to determine your character and determine your past lives.  All you have to do is send a photo of your ass along with $600 to Jackie and she will tell you all you need to know about you.  Don't believe me, just head over to her website.  Oh and I also forgot to mention that she's an astrologer to the presidents.  Don't believe me, just check out this AMAZING VIDEO.  I wish she would bring back GLOW Wrestling.  Jackie will live forever because this is her universe and we just are visiting.
  
  OH GOD!  Abraham Lincoln is alive and well and is back fighting vampires and has assumed a hipster persona.  Actually that's Daniel Day Lewis.  He was spotted at a restaurant in Richmond, VA this week.  He is in Richmond filming Steven Spielberg's biopic about Abraham Lincoln.  Other people in the movie are Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Jackie Earle Haley.  Wow, all those people have 3 names.  Wait, Sally Field doesn't but she is playing Mary Todd-Lincoln.  Abraham Lincoln, an honest and thoughtful man who loved his country, followed his conscience, and always thought before he spoke. Hard to believe he was a politician.  I wish we had some modern day Abe Lincolns.
  
  OK this is more Daniel Day Lewis or as we can see the many faces of Daniel Day Lewis in his movies.  Such an amazing actor.
  
  Daniel Craig is my new hero and based on what he said about the Kardashians we should make him James Bond for life.  He said the Kardashians were "fucking idiots".  Here's the full quote: "Look at the Kardashians, they're worth millions.  I don't think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them.  You see them and think, 'What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot and you'll pay me millions?'  I'm not judging it - well obviously I am."  He also talked about not wanting to be famous anymore because of all the attention he receives.  Normally if a celebrity says they don't want to be famous I'd say he could do dinner theater at the Fireside in beautiful Fort Atkinson.  This is Daniel Craig, the best Bond since Connery and hater of the Kardashians.  He can say whatever he wants.
  
  Courtney Stodden was spotted exiting church this past Sunday with her husband Doug Hutchinson.  Courtney wore that outfit to church just like every other god-fearing 17 year old Christian girl.  Thank Jesus for clear bra straps!  This week Doug actually quit a movie.  He was playing a part in a movie called The Genesis of Lincoln about a director who is deeply attracted to an underage pop star he has cast in a movie.   Apparently his moral convictions to the church made him quit and he wasn't feeling guilty.  In Doug’s defense, the script might not accurately showcase the very real and spiritual connection a middle-aged man can feel for a 16-year-old girl’s mixed-up, undefiled sexuality. The movie probably doesn’t even deal with the complicated dance of hearing your new child bride talk about her hopes and dreams while secretly knowing that her own mother essentially sold her into white slavery and realizing they don't make padlocks on basement doors like they used to.
  
  Courtney Love, who is no stranger to making astonishing claims, said this week that she is Lindsay Lohan's sobriety coach.  Courtney said this: I’ve taken up Lohan because nobody else will. She’s further down the line than I was, because there was no TMZ then."  As hilarious as it sounds that a cracked-out Lindsay Lohan is seeking advice from an equally cracked-out Courtney Love, I highly doubt this is the case.  I mean Courtney is still in the United Kingdom hoping to meet a member of the royal family so that she can marry and become Lady Love.  Courtney was probably just name dropping again.  She has no right to coach anyone in any aspect of life.  It's just another case of the crackhead leading the crackhead.
  
  Christopher Meloni hasn't been doing any work since he didn't have his contract renewed with Law and Order: SVU so he's been looking for work.  He may not have to look much longer because he is being considered to play a new character on True Blood.  You know that show has a new character every time I blink my eyes.  He supposedly will play a very powerful vampire.  Hmmm I thought every vampire on that show was powerful.  Given the track record of all but one of the vampires on that show, maybe they'll finally just say to hell with it and call him Count Cockula.
  
  Not much can be said about Amanda Seyfried's acting ability but you have to admit she has proper form when lifting heavy weights.  LIFT WITH THE LEGS!
  
  Britney Spears turned 30 this week and she's still crazy after all these years.  I sort of remember 11 years ago when I would've smothered a puppy just for a chance to bang her.  Well two kids, a probably meth addiction, a public mental breakdown, and a court ruling her mentally disabled later, Britney is another year older.  Happy birthday and may your pinata be filled with Cheetos and your cup overflowing with Mountain Dew or Starbacks and your Little Debbie snack cakes not past their expiration date and your cigarettes firmly packed.  Thanks for giving me so much to write about over the past 4 years.

  It was a slow week, sorry.  I tried my best to be entertaining.  Have a great weekend.

  • 1:06 PM
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