December 7, 2011

• Motivation

  I’m sick and tired of going out and being mistaken for Brad Pitt.

  I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob, therefore I touched her boob...the transitive property...God I love algebra!

  Did you know it's impossible to say "eBay" in pig Latin?

  This probably already has been done but a loan officer during the day, fights crime at night: The Loan Ranger

  Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

  Inside every girl gone wild, there is a grandma waiting to escape

  My world is currently upside down. So if you don't mind, you'll have to talk to my ass.

  Masturbation is self-sufficiency in its purest form so is therefore the most American of any activities.

  I saw a biker with a shirt that said "If you can read this, the bitch fell off." and wondered, "Does that come in a mask?"

  I bet people stare at the television more than any other household appliance

  When telling children about Santa Claus, why do parents leave out the Krampus?

  Once to score free drinks at a bar in Minneapolis, I told people I was the fat, silent kid on The Cosby Show

  I'm thinking of changing my name to Scott Free because it's awesome to hear the ladies talk about how they got off Scott Free

  I like my women like bowling balls: three functioning holes and found in alleys.  And I wonder why I'm single.

  Money making scheme #357...a dating site for gangstas called Bone, Thugs, and E-Harmony.

  They have a Throwback Pepsi that contains "real" sugar. If Coca-Cola were to make a Throwback Coke, would it contain cocaine?

  I don't want lady luck on my side as much as I want lady crotch on my face.

  Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.

  If anyone goes to a NBA game, could you do me a favor and vote for me for the All-Star team?

  If there's one thing I learned in life it's ladies of taste and refinement prefer strip scrabble or strip chess over strip poker

  I finally understand what Iggy Pop meant when he sang about a heart full of napalm, buffalo chicken pizza was not a wise choice

  To reiterate, I hate repeating myself.

  My dad told me that he inspired the lyrics for "Smooth Operator"

  Some men think that having big breasts make a woman stupid. In fact, it's just the opposite. Big breasts make men stupid!

  I have the strongest desire to go to Chicago so that I can hijack a parade and lip-synch Beatles and Wayne Newton songs.

  Is it me or do Crown Royal whiskey and Royal Crown cola seem to be made for each other? Like waffles and cocaine.

  I feel like royalty when I dine at Burger King plus I love cardboard crowns.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation which may be NSFW:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  The road to success is always under construction.

  If loose lips sink ships, then my last love interest was the admiral of the Navy.

  Confession time…I once forgot the Alamo.

  A friend of mine was complaining that the WWE was rigged.  Anyone else want to handle that one?

  It looks like ABC has halted production of Pan-Am due to low ratings.  The show is losing so much money that ABC stopped production to look for way to charge viewers a baggage fee.

  Nissan is working on a car that drives and parks itself.  If you can’t drive and park, what’s the point of owning a car?

  Cuba is on the Facebook bandwagon.  A Cuban version of a social network was created this week.  All three computer owners in Cuba are now members.

  The first protective cup used in hockey was in 1874.  The first helmet used in the NHL was 1974.  This reaffirms that men have their priorities straight.

  U.S. auto sales have risen to a 2 year high but that’s only because Chevy Volt owners have to buy another car that actually runs.

  TV ownership has dropped for the first time since TVs have been introduced to the market.  The three reasons why sales have dropped: Kate Gosslein, Jersey Shore, and the Kardashians.

  They say on your first day of prison you are supposed to beat someone up.  What do you do on the last day?  Group hugs?  Apologize for all the shower rapes?

  Ladies, you can turn down all the men you want but remember we have porn and porn doesn’t talk about its feelings.

  Guys, what’s going to happen when boobs find out we’re staring at their women?

  Xanga should be about having fun, smiling, and making people smile.  If you make it a competition to get on the top blogs or form of validation for yourself well I pity you.  I hope you find a friend or a good therapist.

  If it wasn’t for multiple personality disorder Xanga wouldn’t have 75% of the users.

  This week on Xanga I learned that someone who disagrees with someone is a troll and that it’s perfectly sane to make multiple accounts and have conversations between those accounts.  Oh and it’s also trollish behavior to view posts and it’s also trolling when you block someone.  You're a horse's ass.
  

  Checking Xanga has become like checking my fridge for something to eat, it's the same stuff that was there before.
  

  "The greatest thing about Xanga is you can create a quote about anything and totally make up the source."- Abraham Lincoln
  

  Cliffhangers are
  

  OK, I have to go now.  My mom found my Xanga and I’m grounded.

  • 1:49 PM
  • 35 Comments