December 10, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 12/9/11

  A friend of mine showed up because he bought a new truck and he wanted to show it off.  Pretty spiffy.  We went out for a drive and ended up at a grocery store so he could buy gas.  I went in and bought a 6 pack of Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale.  He didn't like that kid so I drank it all and ended up falling asleep.  Well I don't have a drinking problem so don't worry about the old godfather.  I think this was the first beer I've had since Labor Day.  I've tried taking alcohol out of my diet and have been pretty successful.  Anyway time to round up.
  
  

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Wow!  Sinead O'Connor had a whirlwind of a week.  First she turned 45, then she found her true love and married him.  Back in August I wrote about how Sinead posted a personal ad on her website saying she wanted a man who was 40-something and loved anal sex amongst other things.  Sinead typed this on her website: "With enormous joy myself and my beloved boyfriend Barry Herridge will be getting married tomorrow, December 8th 2011 at 'an un-disclosed location' in my absolute dream wedding ceremony. We will post a photo or two here on the site as soon as possible afterward.  Very happy girl. : )"  How romantic!  It was just yesterday that she took to the internet begging for dick and now she's married to this guy.  If you're thinking Sinead will rival that Kardashian chick who was married for 72 days in a short marriage contest don't count on it because Barry is a therapist and he'd talk the divorce inclinations out of her.  Sinead typed this on her website after the wedding: "Dear friends... amongst whom I include whomever may be reading this with a view to writing about the glorious marriage.  Am blogging this cus media people are naturally seeking me.  On sunday I will put up blog on whole day. Too glorious for words.  For now though, as you will appreciate, it's a bit of a 'Can't. Talk. Cock. In. Mouth'. Situation.  Xxx"  Well that's lovely.  I hope they have a wonderful marriage and enjoy the difficult brown.
  
  It really is hard out there for a pimp.  9 months after Terrence Howard's second wife filed for divorce, she got a restraining order against him because she claims that he beat her and threatened to kill her.  TMZ obtained court documents saying that Terrence threw his wife to the ground in a parking lot and punched her repeatedly in the face and chipped her teeth with his wedding ring.  She also claims he went on a tirade after he beat her and said, "I'll hit a woman quicker than I'd hit a man.  If you tell anyone about my personal business, I will kill you and no one will ever know.  Bitch, walk home. That's my car, I pay for it."  Terrence shot back and said that his wife is making up all these allegations and that he couldn't hurt a fly and that his wife is holding a video of him singing naked in the shower as blackmail saying she'll release it if he doesn't pay her millions of dollars.  More papers revealed that Terrence called up a man's number on his wife's cellphone and left a threatening voicemail that said: "N****, you been calling my wife... If you call my wife again I'm going to come to your house and I'm going to cut your fucking throat.  Understand that. I'm gonna tell you this one time. You call my wife again, I'm going to kill you."  It seems like Terrence seems like he's a lot of fun to be around.  He's beatin' hoes and voicemailin' threats against brothas...he's like Chris Brown but with an Oscar nomination and without the sleeveless jean jackets.
  
  Here's news you wanted to know.  TMZ says that someone is shopping photos of Olympian (that doesn't sound right) Shaun White completely naked.  The photos depict Shaun making out with a random girl and then he disrobes and makes out with her some more.  TMZ also wanted me to tell you that the carpet matches the drapes...whatever that means.  I don't know why but Shaun White sort of looks like the love child of Rocky Dennis from Mask and Carrot Top.  So are you going to try to buy his nude pics?
  
  Well here is Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez doing....hmmmm what are they doing?  Frolicking?  Yeah that's the ticket.  Anyway, Justin Bieber supposedly has released a video promoting his new fragrance for girls saying that fathers should let their daughters stay at home and masturbate to photos of him instead of going out to have sex with a neighbor.  This is the alleged commercial dialogue: "Hey Dad, it’s Justin, your daughter wanted us to chat. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, I mean I get it, I’m a huge mega star, I got a full head of hair…But it could be a lot worse. Think about it. Guys her age… Well, remember when you were her age? Yeah, exactly… I’m a great distraction. She won’t even think about him and someday you might even thank me.  So next time you hear her scream my name, relax. It’s better than hearing her scream ‘Joey’ who lives next door. Am I right?"  That's good and all until you realize fantasizing about Justin Bieber is a gateway drug to fantasizing about sparkly vampires or threatening to kill Selena Gomez so the girl and Justin can be together forever.  Justin shouldn't be asking if dads want their daughters masturbating to him or screwing the neighbor, he should be asking if dads want their daughters on the FBI's watchlist or doing the neighbor boy.  I guess at this point most dads would probably just flip a coin...heads you kill a Disney star, tails you go on the pill and Joey can sleep over.
  
  Sarah Jessica Parker is married to Matthew Broderick and this week she bought an apartment in New York City blocks away from her home with Matthew and their three children.  Matthew was asked if he was happy with Sarah's new purchase he said, "NEIGH!"  OK enough with the horse puns.  But being married and buying an apartment, that's completely normal, right?  SJP said that she needs to get out of the house so she can do her writing and she can't write with all the distractions in her house.  So Carrie moved away from Ferris Bueller and their offspring.  It's a non-story because most women abandon their families so they can work on their writing and SJP is known for her long writing sessions.  She's written anything you can think of.  She writes all day and all night.  She's written about men and women of all different races.  Some have said she's even written about animals, specifically electric eels.  Before you judge, let's see you get some writing done with your spouse and children in the next room.  Oh and just so you know, the word "writing" should be replaced with the word "fucking"
  
  Miss USA Rima Fakih was arrested for drunk driving this week.  She was pulled over for speeding at 3:30AM and she was found impaired with an open bottle of champagne on the passenger's seat and was taken into custody in Highland Park, MI.  Miss USA went to Twitter to plead her case and said that she wasn't even in Michigan and that everyone was wrong because they were talking about the wrong Fakih but the tweet was later deleted.  "Wrong Fakih"? How many of them are there? I'm a little worried now.  So she's a drunk and a liar?  If you threw in "likes to steal" she'd sound like Lindsay Lohan or my exgirlfriend.  I wonder if she answers to their pet name, "YOU STUPID SKANK".  It turns out that she blew on the Breathalyzer two times.  One time it record a .19 and the second time it recorded a blood alcohol level of .20.  The legal limit in Michigan is .08.  She blew over twice the legal limit.  She could face jail time.  I don't know how she could go out driving since a few shots of whiskey make me lose feeling in my legs and drinking a 6 pack of beer this evening made me fall asleep for three hours.  How could she walk let alone drive?  She even claims that she didn't open the champagne bottle and didn't know it was there.  So she was lying even after the cops found an open bottle of champagne in the car?  Miss USA didn't give up without a fight so in other words she's everything I want representing America because Americans don't go down without a fight.  GOD BLESS AMERICA!  Oh I need a Kleenex to wipe away these tears because patriotism brings out such raw emotions in me.
  
  Good news everybody...Nicolas Cage is rich again.  He auctioned off one of his rare comic books this week.  This comic book is Action Comics No. 1 which happens to be the first ever appearance of Superman.  It was also in superb condition.  On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, it was graded a 9.0 which is excellent and sought after.  The comic was sold for $2million.  Nicolas bought the comic book for $200,000.  You know who is happy with this besides Cage?  The IRS because now they can suck him dry for all those back taxes but they better get to him before he blows all the money on dinosaur bones.  It's quite obvious that Nicolas needs the money.  All one needs to do is look at some of his movies from this year...Season of the Witch...Drive Angry...Trespass...even Adam Sandler thinks those movies suck.
  
  Mindy McCready's life is still a mess.  Her 5 year old son Zander was taken into custody in Arkansas this week after she snatched him from his grandmother's house.  Mindy announced that no one could take away what belonged to her.  So kids are possessions these days?  The police found Mindy and Zander hiding in a closet and he's on his way back to Florida while Mindy should be heading to a mental hospital and drug treatment center that Dr. Drew is no way involved with.  If you look at a crystal meth ball and ask to see Lindsay Lohan's future, this is it.
  
  Well it's official, Madonna is going to bring that thrusting power crotch to the Super Bowl.  She will be doing the halftime act at Super Bowl XLVI or for those who don't habla Roman numerals, 46.  You know the Packers are going there again and I feel sorry because they will have horrible acts at both of their Super Bowl victories.  Last year was the Black Eyed Peas.  How are they Super Bowl worthy?  I can just imagine what would happen if Madonna did her crotch thrusting during the show.  Madonna suffers a wardrobe malfunction and her thong flies off, mesmerizing the country with an epic beaver shot.  I bet she could crotch thrust a 70 yard field goal.  I just had to go look but in Super Bowl I had a halftime act done by the University of Arizona and Grambling marching bands.  Super Bowl II featured Grambling.  Then there was a break and Super Bowl XXXI was a Blues Brothers theme with Dan Akroyd and John Goodman playing the Blues Brothers.  Super Bowl XXXII was Motown and Boyz II Men performed with others.  Oh well, I'll just watch the Packers dominate.
  
  A tabloid obtained a private diary penned by Lindsay Lohan and on January 22, 2008 Lindsay wrote about Heath Ledger.  She wrote: "Today Heath died. I’m in love with him…. He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care."  Hmmm maybe there was truth to her parents claim that Lindsay was dating him and that she had intended on flying to see him a day after he died.  I always thought he was dating the Olsen twin, you know the ugly one but who knows.  I'm sure the entry should be taken with a grain of coke because this is Lindsay Lohan.  The producers of the UK show Celebrity Big Brother are trying to get Lindsay to join this season's cast.  First off, she's on probation so good luck with all that. And secondly, being on the show means Lindsay will be locked up in a house for 30 days in a controlled environment with cameras recording her every move. That might not be the best set of circumstances when you suck dick for cocaine.
  
  Oh and this is Lindsay on the cover of Playboy.  Playboy should be ashamed for desecrating the image of Marilyn Monroe.  I think the Monroe thing is way ridiculous and so overdone it's like the real Marilyn Monroe didn't exist.  That being said, if you want to see her naked pics, click here or here.
  
  Leann Rimes wore this snazzy number to some red carpet event.  Since when did they start making leprechaun green Snuggies?  Rumor has it that Leann is trying to hide a pregnancy with that outfit.  I wonder if she'll eat more since we all know how much she loves to eat.
  
  This week Larry King announced that when he dies, he wants to be frozen so that in the future scientists can thaw him and cure him of whatever killed him.  Wait, he's not dead?  I think he just wants to become a mummy minus the 50,000 slaves and the pyramids.  So what does this plan prove about Larry King?  It shows he's self-absorbed and full of shit just like the pair of Depends he's wearing.
  
  This is Kate Upton.  There's something special about her.  She's in the new Three Stooges movie and from the looks of it, she may be the best part of that movie.  Here's the trailer.  Wait, the best part of that movie is at the end of the trailer.  Watch it and see what I mean.
  
  This is Judd Apatow and he turned 44 this week.  He may be one of my favorite directors and producers.  He gave us Freaks and Geeks, Celtic Pride, Heavyweights, The Cable Guy, Anchorman, The 40 year old Virgin, Talladega Nights, Knocked Up, Superbad, Walk Hard and so many others.  He's got a lot of promising future products so he can wear whatever he wants to wear.
  
  This week Jessica Simpson was interviewed by Rachael Ray for a magazine and the article was solely about food and how since she's been pregnant she is always eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and in between bites she licks salt off her hand much like she's doing tequila shots.  You can't blame her for talking about food.  You talk about what you know best.  If I was a sports reporter and had to interview Michael Jordan I wouldn't talk about football but I'd talk about basketball although I'm sure he's knowledgeable on football because he's a degenerate gambler.  If I interviewed Jessica I'm sure that 75% of our interview would involve peanut butter and what she enjoys putting it on.  I can hear her now talking about how she likes spreading peanut butter on the "drinkin' hole on sodie pop cans". 
  
  Jesse James is still an asshole.  Shocking, right?  He was on some motorcycle show called American Chopper: The Build Off and he said this: "I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn’t talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad. . . I feel obligated to reconnect with all these people and show 'em that I'm still the same fabricator motorcycle guy. I'm not what I became."  I wonder if that's the same Hollywood actress that raised his kids because their mother went off on a drug binge.  It must be liberating that the world no longer sees him as a loving husband and sees him for the scumbag he truly is.  Oh and the reason why he didn't talk to his motorcycle friends was because his tongue was constantly down the throat of a woman who posed for semi-nude pics featuring Nazi symbols and regalia.  To be fair, we don't know much about his marriage to Sandra Bullock other than he banged a bunch of chicks behind his wife's back...oh wait, he also did that same thing to his next wife Kat Von D.  He does have a tattoo on his right palm that says "Pay Up Sucker" so it's safe to assume his left hand is the only thing giving him love these days.
  
  Harry Morgan passed away this week at the age of 96.  It may have been due to pneumonia.  Morgan will probably be best remembered for his role of Colonel Potter on M.A.S.H and his work on Dragnet plus the hundred or so movies he did.  Morgan will be greatly missed.
  
  Erin Andrews, ESPN sideline reporter, is suing a motel chain and her convicted stalker for a total of $10million for negligence and undue stress.  She was filmed changing in her motel room when her stalker used some sort of camera in the peep hole of her door.  I guess $10million seems legit.  I mean her life was totally ruined and she wasn't able to show her face on national TV after the scandal...oh wait, she did.  She's great and all but $10million to get naked in this economy?  That's nuts.  I know a lot of girls who'd get naked for a lot less...cough Lindsay Lohan cough.
  
  This is aspiring rapper Chet Haze but that's not his real name.  His real name is Chet Hanks.  He's the son of Tom Hanks and is currently a student at Northwestern studying theater and trying to be a rapper.  Well it seems Chet has been spending too much time on his rapping instead of going to classes.  He sent out this email to every single student at Northwestern: "What Up Everybody, My names Chester Hanks, I’m a junior theater major, but some of you may know me better as “Chet Haze.” Or maybe you dont, which would be embarrassing for me…..Anyway, if the sound of receiving this email on your phone woke you up at this hour, I sincerely apologize. Hopefully, there may be a few of you (like me) who for some reason just need to wait until literally the LAST MINUTE to get any work done—this final paper being no exception. I was wondering if anyone had notes from after November 1st to the end of the course on their computer that they would be willing to send my way. It would be much appreciated, and we could possibly work something out as a reward for the generosity. I’m really crossing my fingers on this one. Thanks! Happy studies.-Chet"  I love how he name drops himself in the email.  Oh and he sent that email on the same day the paper was due.  Nothing like going through a month's worth of notes to write a paper on the day it's due.  One might also question the logic of his strategy in appealing to other procrastinators, since it is clearly the responsible, non-procrastinators whose help he actually needs, and they might not be sympathetic to his casual, almost boastful admission of laziness, unpreparedness, and overall irresponsibility. But if one did question the logic of his strategy, one would be such a nerd and would be ostracized from the social circles of the dental school.  I wonder what one would get for helping old Chet out.  I bet he would make a rap song about them but if it was me I would say that the only way he'd get my notes is if I could star in a buddy cop comedy alongside his dad and it would have to be a remake of Bosom Buddies but as cops.  Yeah, I'll get famous some how.
  
  Brooke Mueller, the on again/off again wife of Charlie Sheen, had been doing somewhat good on the road of sobriety however her first mistake was that Charlie was her guide.  Well she took a sharp turn off the road of sobriety and ended up on Cokehead Way.  Police in Aspen, CO responded to a fight at a music club and they found Mueller, who was the aggressor in the fight, with substanial amounts of cocaine.  She was photographed by paparazzi in June buying cocaine.  It's just amazing that it took the cops until December to find that coke.
  
  Charlie Sheen heard of the news and he returned from Colombia so he could save his children.  Brooke had custody of the 2 year old twins and left them with a nanny the night of her arrest.  Charlie is playing hero now and wants to save his kids from any embarrassment and save Brooke from substance abuse.  Well those kids are going to be so embarrassed when they get older and learn how to use the internet and see their father's behavior in the year 2011.  Here's the thing, Charlie left Colombia for his kids.  Let me repeat that, Charlie Sheen left Colombia for his kids.  That's Colombia.  This implies that Satan must've opened a ski resort in Hell and Charlie and Brooke will snort all those hills of powder.
  
  Bret Easton Ellis is a renowned novelist having penned American Psycho and Less than Zero.  He's also a bisexual and quite open about it.  This week he took to Twitter to make fun of Dan Savage's It Gets Better Project.  Here's what he said: "When I was bullied: you manned-up. You learned something. You realized: I'm not getting the gold star. You realized: you lose. Deal with it." "The "celebration" of victimization is so widespread in the culture: has it created a generation of overly-sensitive narcissistic snowflakes?" "The weak-ass anti-bullying approach: YouTube video with Sia wailing Breathe? I want the kid who growls: "I am gonna break your fucking arm.""  You know what?  I sort of agree with him but of course once Perez Hilton got word of the tweets he had to escalate the Twitter war because he's all about love and acceptance now and he totally wants us to forget how he used to demean celebrities who were in the closet and it was his efforts that dragged Lance Bass out of the closet and made a public spectacle of his homosexuality.  It really sucks that gay kids get bullied and become suicidal.  But it also sucks when it happens to other kids WHO AREN'T GAY!  WHERE ARE THE ACTIVISTS FOR BULLYING AGAINST DISABLED KIDS?  HOW ABOUT BIRACIAL KIDS?  WHAT ABOUT KIDS WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES?  WHAT ABOUT KIDS WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENTS?  See people want you to believe that bullying is a new phenomenon that only afflicts kids who are gay.  I've said it before, YOU CAN'T LEGISLATE MORALITY!  It doesn't matter how many Youtube videos are made, Twitter hashtags are created or celebrities fawning over you preaching love and acceptance, if a bully doesn't like then you're going to get bullied.  You can't force someone to agree with you.  You can't force someone to like you.  If you try to force people to do something they are uncomfortable with then you're just going to be bullied.  What you can do is wait for the bully to go to the bathroom and hide in the stall and when they are vulnerable you knock out their teeth with a bike lock and then stomp on their clavicle.  Stand up in the bullies presence instead of sitting in front of a webcam.  Wanna see results?  This kid stood up to his bully.
  
  Brendan Fraser turned 43 this week.  I don't really have much to say about him.  He was good in Encino Man, School Ties, Air Heads, Gods and Monsters, and all the Mummy movies but that's about it so...you're welcome ladies.
  
  Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight because of an altercation with a flight attendant.  The flight was waiting in line for take-off and the flight attendant saw Baldwin playing the game on his iPad and told him to put it away.  Well how dare she!  He was removed before take-off and was booked on a later flight.  He did have some golden tweets during the shouting match: "But, oddly, 30 Rock plays inflight on American. #theresalwaysunite" "United Airlines should buy Words With Friends" "Now on the 3 o'clock American flight. The flight attendants already look.....smarter." "#theresalwaysunited Last flight w American. Where retired Catholic school gym teachers from the 1950's find jobs as flight attendants."  Getting kicked off a plane for playing Words with Friends doesn't make sense but when you throw in the name Alec Baldwin it makes perfect sense.  Maybe the flight attendant was a die hard Angry Birds fan. 
  
  Adrianne Curry is probably best known for winning one of the first seasons of America's Next Top Model or being on countless VH-1 reality shows because she was banging Peter Brady or her numerous appearances on this site.  Lately she has been a Twitter exhibitionist and posted photos of her breasts.  This week I was shocked to see a photo of her butt.  She also wrote this: "Behold! Thanksgiving put meat in more places than just my mouth...hahahaha. my ass seems2have grown"  If any of my readers study Psychology in school and are looking for a thesis, I'd suggest following her Twitter.  She's obviously posting these photos to gain attention and love.  I guess it's just like the time I posted a photo of my trophy for coming in 10th place at the Midwest Mini-Golf Championship.  OK so I made the trophy with spray paint, a golf ball, and some stuff I bought at the Hobby Lobby but that's beside the point.  Why are you laughing?  I suppose you think you're the Tiger Woods of mini-golf.  Well the next time you're in these parts I challenge you to 72 holes at Pirate's Cove.

  I hope everyone enjoyed and has a great weekend.

  • 1:15 PM
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